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Original poster

Partner won’t shower

143 replies

TinselandWine41 · 17/01/2019 17:07

I’ve been with my boyfriend nearly three years; been living together for 2. He’s lovely, supportive, etc... overall no issues in our relationship. Love him to bits. However, his hygiene is just... well.

I’ve known him to go up to a week or longer without having a shower. I’m sure most nights he doesn’t brush his teeth. Funnily enough, he doesn’t really smell. Unless I’m “noseblind”. I usually approach the subject by jokingly telling him how flabbergasted I am that he’s not showered in days and doesn’t smell. As a way of hinting. Occasionally, I’ve tried to gently explain that he needs to shower more; to think of those nooks and crannies... Confused sorry for tmi. He always tells me he was going to, then forgets... don’t know how one couldn “forget”. I wouldn’t dream of leaving the house if I hadn’t showered in 2 days, nevermind a week!

I can completely understand that he might be someone who doesn’t need to shower every day. That’s fine. But I think he should every other day, at least. Even though he doesn’t usually smell, it’s the idea of him going so long without washing that’s quite off-putting. Do I need to approach this differently? I’d feel awful to shame him about it (as I’ve seen people suggest before) - to me that’s just nasty. How can I be more to the point whilst still being tactful?

OP posts:
Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 17/01/2019 17:48

Op you share a bed with poo crumbs.

Original poster
TinselandWine41 · 17/01/2019 17:51

Well, it’s not a dealbreaker for me as he’s not lazy overall. If he were fat, lazy and smelly, that’d be a different story. He takes care in his appearence, wears nice clothes, that sort of thing. He’s a really good partner in every other way; supportive, loving, patient, open and honest, always here for me. Going by how some people describe their partners, I feel lucky to have someone like him. But yes, it’s still not nice knowing he’s not keeping up with his personal hygiene.

OP posts:
NotTheFordType · 17/01/2019 17:51

Why assume he's incapable of wiping his arse?

Adora10 · 17/01/2019 17:51

Wow, someone actually thinks you are not dirty if you don't wash for a week.

twominfromthebeach · 17/01/2019 17:52

Can you entice him into having a shower or bath together, maybe as a prelude to sex?

sanityisamyth · 17/01/2019 17:54

Sounds like my ExH. He's an ex for many reasons. He couldn't figure out why I didn't like kissing him, or having sex with him as he did generally smell. The worst day was when we were moving house and he hadn't put any antiperspirant on and he reaked. My sister kept commenting to me as we were literally heaving every time he walked past us. Was horrendous.

The funny thing when he was texting his 18 year old "friend" that I never kissed him she seemed to think I was the unreasonable one 🤣🤣🤣

Original poster
TinselandWine41 · 17/01/2019 17:54

Just asked my (very blunt, untactful) sister, and she says he always smells/looks clean to her. She’s not noticed anything... Confused

OP posts:
Adora10 · 17/01/2019 17:54

But he is lazy and smelly. He puts on clean clothes on a dirty body, ok that's weird.

Sure he's a lovely guy, you are still going to have to tell him to sort it out if you don't want to continue sleeping with a dirty person, you cannot be clean if you only wash once a week! He won't change his ways now unless perhaps he is actually told.

Original poster
TinselandWine41 · 17/01/2019 17:56

@twominfromthebeach

I have done that before. Trouble is, I want him to be clean even when I’m not in the mood... Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
TinselandWine41 · 17/01/2019 17:58

Any ideas of how to approach the subject?

If, when he gets home tonight I can tell he’s not showered (can usually tell by how soft/shiny his hair is), I’ll defo be saying something. It’ll have been at least 5 days.

OP posts:
okokokok · 17/01/2019 18:02

It is weird, some people genuinely don't smell even when they haven't showered for days. I have a bath once a day and often a shower too. When I went away with friends, I shared with one who is always glam, make up done etc. She didn't have a shower in the 6 days we were away. It wasn't a pool holiday either, it was more of a city break/drinking holiday (hen do). I was really shocked! But I wouldn't have known if I wasn't sharing a room with her. She didn't smell or look unclean. Weird.

Whothere · 17/01/2019 18:04

I think some people are definitely smellier than others eg some men are visibly sweaty and he might not be one of those. However he would still be dirty up close in his nether regions even if the air around him doesn’t smell Confused. The non teeth cleaning would really put me off.

I used to share a house with a girl who only showered once a week and she definitely did smell as she didn’t wear deodorant either and her ear wax was black.

NotTheFordType · 17/01/2019 18:05

@Adora10
Wow, someone actually thinks you are not dirty if you don't wash for a week.

If you don't wash a cup for a week that has been sitting in a closed cabinet, is it dirty?

Some people have hypo hidrosis, means they don't sweat anything like other people.

(Since hitting menopause I have hyper hidrosis, meaning I sweat just pushing my trolley round Morrisons. I shower and change underwear twice a day.)

If something isn't dirty - don't clean it.

This message was brought to you by the Friends of the Earth water conservation project.

Original poster
TinselandWine41 · 17/01/2019 18:06

@okokokok

How strange! It goes to show that it’s possible though, I suppose.

On the contrary, I had a friend staying with me for a few months, and she was depressed and barely showered. When she’d borrow my clothes, I had to wash them twice to get the stench of B.O. out.

OP posts:
Adora10 · 17/01/2019 18:17

If you don't wash a cup for a week that has been sitting in a closed cabinet, is it dirty?

You are actually comparing a cup to a human being, ok then, let's agree to disagree, holds my nostrils.

bowtieandheels · 17/01/2019 18:29

My DP is the least smelly person I know, he doesn't even need to wear deodorant. He's quite clean but there have been occasions that we've been together and he might not shower for a couple of days and he still doesn't smell! He's quite sweaty too...just doesn't smell. I find it quite curious.

EngagedAgain · 17/01/2019 18:31

It depends whether or not he has a good wash daily, because that would suffice in the winter. As for the lack of dental hygiene that would put me right off kissing, it's gross.

Original poster
TinselandWine41 · 17/01/2019 18:33

@bowtieandheels

Haha, at least he does usually shower though! Especially interesting how you say he’s sweaty but doesn’t smell. My DP isn’t very sweaty, but the same with no deodorant (other than body spray; but that’s not antiperspirant). It’s the idea of them going so long without washing that’s a bit grim. As pp have pointed out, the bits and bums...

OP posts:
Original poster
TinselandWine41 · 17/01/2019 18:35

@EngagedAgain

I can only hope he brushes them in the morning (I go to work before him, so don’t know). But again, no bad breath, oddly. Hmm

OP posts:
zenasfuck · 17/01/2019 18:35

That is rank and I'd be very clear in telling him so

I don't smell, even when I've been to the gym but for perspective, I showered yesterday morning before work, came home and still smelt nice and clean. However, and sorry for tmi, there was a definite whiff from my nether regions when I undressed to shower that evening. Not noticeable to anyone else unless they were up close and personal but to be frank, my fanny and arse definitely needed some soap and water

Not washing yourself is vile and I honestly couldn't live with someone who didn't keep themselves very clean

Original poster
TinselandWine41 · 17/01/2019 18:40

@zenasfuck

Well, that’s just the un-pretty truth of the matter, isn’t it? Even if your pits don’t smell, there’s bound to be a whiff from down below...

Perhaps I should leave wet wipes in the loo and tell him, if he doesn’t want a shower, at least get a thorough wipe down!

OP posts:
EngagedAgain · 17/01/2019 18:40

My partner is actually someone who doesn't seem to get very sweaty or smelly, he washes daily but skips showers or baths ALOT. So I think not all men are smelly creatures, but he is terrible with dental hygiene, but oddly he don't have bad breath, but I don't kiss him anymore! I just can't do it!

Closetbeanmuncher · 17/01/2019 18:40

Maybe he doesn't sweat that much but still the bits, particulaly on an uncircumcised man not being washed for a week....No way I would be putting my mouth near that!

Total deal breaker for me, pure laziness

zenasfuck · 17/01/2019 18:43

@TinselandWine41 well yes exactly. It's not nice and we don't like to admit it but for most adults, after a full day out bits and bobs need a scrub to keep them clean and smelling nice

Closetbeanmuncher · 17/01/2019 18:44

@Aprilshowersarecomingsoon that made me giggle Grin