dh and porn- I can't get over it

[Dogmum21]

I have joined MN with the intention of finding out the views of others on here, I don't know if I am overreacting or being unreasonable and I don't feel able to discuss this with friends. You will see why...
A few weeks ago my DH thought I was going out and I didn't actually leave when he thought. I then walked in on him looking at something (I assume porn) on his laptop and masturbating. I was very upset and I know he felt really bad that he had upset me so much. I was very shocked that he felt he needed to do this. We decided to try to put it behind us but tbh I am still feeling really upset and can't seem to get past this. I feel betrayed and like it is only a step away from cheating on me. Now I have lost all my confidence and feel really low about myself, I feel like I have failed and am not good enough. I have always been a confident person before now. I also worry about going out now in case he does it again, and then thinking back I wonder how many times he has done it before, of course I might be completely overreacting and this could have been a one off. I have sometimes found intimacy difficult due to experiences I had when I was 11/12 but we have been together 20 years now and I have relaxed a lot more, but I wonder if I have been a let down. Has anyone else been in this situation, I would really appreciate some feedback.

I hate porn. DH doesn't watch it. He's excellent in bed

Ex abusive wanker very heavily into porn. Couldn't get it up. Took ages to get aroused. Took ages to climax. Couldn't get turned on by anything normal. Sex was awful and painful.

Other girlfriends can tell porn watchers vs non.

DH can wank as much as he wants. But objectifying women, watching women exploited, not for either of us.

And when a 16 year old girl has just been given a colostomy because of gang anal sex down to watching porn, it's a problem for our children too.

I think most people masturbate, I also think most men and certainly many women use porn to that end! It doesn't bother me at all that my dh uses porn, it is not made specifically for him and is produced for the masses so I wouldn't consider this cheating.

For me I think if there was an interaction with another person, like a call or webcam with someone else - from my perspective that would perhaps be cheating. But masturbation is natural and I genuinely don't think his occasionally satisfying himself is a problem.

Remember people have different sex drives and needs, sometimes a person just needs a quick release, which is what masturbation achieves. I honestly don't think this is a reflection on you. X

But we all need clothes and some people genuinely can’t afford ethically sourced clothing. But we don’tneedporn.

Well since you don't need tinned food to survive then I assume that you don't have any in your house? Because strip mining for mineral wealth, specifically metals, is devastating huge parts of the world and fuelling the eradication of indiginous species and populations, deforestation and pollution. So you should avoid all metal products as much as possible. Why take the risk that your tin of mandarins was made from unethical aluminium mining?

The only reason you care about porn at all is because it is highly visible, often discussed, and it fits your narrative of how you view men and women's relationships. Yet you devote less outrage to things that are genuinely killing the entire planet or even whole communities of people, because those are 'necessary', according to you. Seems a bit hypocritical, tbh.

@sethis
Exactly this

So you think, rightly, that we should do absolutely everything we can within our capabilities and budgets to reduce our exploitation of the planet and of other people. But not when it comes to porn. Right.

FFS OP is no one allowed some fucking privacy ?!!

I masturbate. 😱. I am 'of the same generation as OP'
I do this in private. I use all forms of stimulation to 'enhance' the experience from Erotic literature to internet porn.
This is a PRIVATE activity.
I would be beyond incensed to be required to 'discuss' my behaviour with my husband. He could try but would be told to fottfsofatfosm. No OP. Get over yourself and out of his private life. Being married does not mean you aren't entitled to privacy. You only know about this because he thought you were out.

If he had whipped his dick out in the sitting room whilst you were trying to enjoy East Enders , turning the screen instead to 'Nuns suck big cocks' whilst banging one out then you would have justification for complaint.

He didn't .
This was a PRIVATE moment you intruded upon and should simply of apologised and moved on. It was not about you.

Did we ever find out which one the OPs bothered about?

And when a 16 year old girl has just been given a colostomy because of gang anal sex down to watching porn, it's a problem for our children too

I read about that yesterday, that poor girl. Porn is getting more extreme I think.

Hi OP...I stumbled on your thread this morning and after reading through most of the hysterics I wanted to say I understand your feelings.I am however pretty sure the very last thing your husband would want is for you to feel this way.He in turn should not be made to feel like a naughty school boy either. I think it either has to be moved on from or a frank discussion on both sides as to what is acceptable in your relationship.Pretty sure your marriage can move on from this with a bit of understanding from both of you.I do not think this is the first step to him betraying you in any way.I think he wanted some space and some private time thats all.You need reassurance and I get that,however that does not mean he should feel disgraced or ashamed if he wanted to privately do something different.In your post you paint a picture of a loving caring husband and you still have that...use that to build on.was it shock you felt really? Or was it embarassment? Pretty sure you both feel the same maybe for different reasons but I am sure neither one of you wanted this situation to occur.Its no ones fault just an issue that needs addressing because if you don't have the conversation together and move forward your marriage will suffer through guilt,embarrassment and resentment.Have a bottle of wine and a chat clear it up...you speak then let him,,calmly and without accusation.Both of you need to listen to each others opinions and find a solution.This might be totally inappropriate to say but whilst some porn is revolting there is some that is made for women by women...its not what you would think of in the same way as traditional porn maybe it might be worth exploring in private for you to see if this could be something you could enjoy together as a compromise? If all porn is a non starter for you then please disregard that last bit it was merely a suggestion.I believe you can both get past this.Best wishes sent ....

No body is saying that Bertrand.
Look, we get you don’t like porn. That’s ok. Some people do, some people don’t.

This is not about people making the conscious decision to support exploitation of any kind.

For whatever reason people use porn, sex toys, imagination. It’s all ok if that’s what you choose freely.

It’s the exploiters who are completely hideous. They make the conscious decision to exploit and benefit at the expense of others, women, men, children and animals.

Regulated Porn is not illegal. Exploitation is.
Sadly there are very sick individuals, groups out there.

It's because porn has always been a soft target for dangerous authoritarianism that so many of us defend it. Allowing the government unrestricted access to your internet activity would normally be met with 'FOTTFSOF' from most people, but if it's pitched as 'We need to stop evil harmful porn' then more people will accept it.
Porn's problems are a lot more to do with exploitative capitalism than with the evils and dangers of sexual enjoyment.

“This is not about people making the conscious decision to support exploitation of any kind”

Yes it is. Well, unless you are completely naive about the porn industry it is. Just like buying intensively reared chicken is a conscious decision. It may be a decision which you feel you can’t avoid making for economic reasons. Or a decision you make because you don’t care about the welfare of the chicken you eat. But it’s still an active decision. Porn is the same. Except that it’s much easier to make the ethical decision.

Spot on Sethis.

In these discussions, anti-porn posters generally like to ignore the existence of porn that doesn’t fit with their ‘poor exploited woman’ narrative, tarring it all with the same brush. I for one used to frequent a website/company that was as ethical as they come: every ‘scene’ had shots before and after of the actors chatting, coming down from the space they were in during filming, giving their full consent, talking about how it had felt emotionally. Mandatory STI testing, condoms, contracts of employment. On the other side you have the many, many forms involving solo women or women together with no men involved, gay male porn (tried to raise that earlier with Betrand who from the looks of it didn’t really know how to fit that into her narrative so rejected it as an attempted ‘gotcha’ 😂), plenty of amateur people just like you or me who enjoy the aspect of being watched and get kicks from knowing other people are watching them have sex.

Of course porn is wrong if it involves someone coerced, obviously. That’s by far not all that’s out there and I’d argue rather than being ‘porn’ it’s filmed sexual abuse.

People have liked to see other naked people doing sexual activities since there have been people, it’s not going anywhere. Feel free not to watch if it offends your morals, but no amount of complaining is gonna prevent people continuing to watch and create porn. Selective outrage imo.

Agree with the porn I mean not masturbation.

But ultimately OP: your husband has every right to watch porn and masturbate in privacy. He clearly enjoys it. Trying to prevent him from doing it would be pretty controlling (imagine if a guy came on here and said he’d found his wife watching porn/reading erotica and was angry as he thought he should be enough for her and couldn’t move past the thought of her enjoying her own sexuality and body in private!?), so this is who he is.

If you don’t want to be with a man who watches porn, leave him and find a man who doesn’t. You can’t change someone, you can only decide whether the person they are is for you. If you can’t ‘move past this’ that’s unfair on both of you as he hasn’t done anything wrong to be made to feel awful about and you shouldn’t emotionally torture yourself trying to be okay with it. I think you have some thinking to do about this relationship.

I once reacted like you OP. It felt like a betrayal when I discovered my DH loved porn and regularly masturbated. It took me a few years to adjust to the idea and I too felt betrayed and 'cheated' on. I wouldn't go as far as to say I approve of it or like it but I have now accepted it. Men generally view sex very differently to women. They're visual. Most men will tell you it's like scratching and itch. They're almost mind numbed when they're doing it. There's zero emotion in it. It has zero reflection on you or your sexual capabilities. Try not to take it personally because most men will wank and watch porn. Most. Most women masturbate too. Its just visual stimulus isn't usually what turns many women on. If you try to stop him or make him agree to stop he's likely to do it anyway and then lie about it which is worse.

Actually limpbizkit, recent evidence (only from one website, but an extremely popular one so is likely to be fairly representative) suggests that women spend more time watching porn than men:

www.bustle.com/p/women-actually-watch-more-porn-than-men-heres-what-it-is-were-watching-63850

Which kinda calls into question the idea that men are more visual when it comes to sexual arousal.

Why such anger directed at the OP and why such distasteful posts about cocks and banging, there is no need for full descriptions, we all know what porn is.

Try reading, the OP clearly suffered some kind of sexual trauma as a child so that is why she has a perceived over reaction, it's not an over reaction to her and I doubt it would be to any of us having suffered any kind of sexual exploitation and anyone who thinks porn is not exploitative is either thick or in denial.

We don't watch it, yes that includes a man, we prefer to explore ourselves, we don't feel the need for porn, it's boring and unrealistic to us so no, not everyone does it!

OP, masturbation is very healthy and should not be shamed, however, as someone said up thread, in private, I don't think sitting at your laptop wanking is being very private, you probably got a bit of a fright walking in on that, I would too.

You need to talk to him about boundaries and if you don't want porn in your relationship tell him, it's your choice, just like it's his, I hope you can reach some kind of compromise together.

It does nothing for me @vietnamese but I accept your research.

“In these discussions, anti-porn posters generally like to ignore the existence of porn that doesn’t fit with their ‘poor exploited woman’ narrative, tarring it all with the same brush”
The problem is that pro porn posters like to ignore the existence of porn that “does” involve exploited women, and focus on the tiny %age of ethically sourced, free range porn which obviously some people use, but most don’t.

‘poor exploited woman`, don't forget kids, animals, men and women!

I can't possibly know what porn is not exploitative or done out of desperation so I'd rather not watch, simple.

"Of course porn is wrong if it involves someone coerced, obviously. That’s by far not all that’s out there and I’d argue rather than being ‘porn’ it’s filmed sexual abuse"

@VietnameseCrispyFish has acknowledged its existence BertrandRussell.

The problem is that pro porn posters like to ignore the existence of porn that “does” involve exploited women

I think several other posters have mentioned the existence of exploitative porn as well.

Just saying in the interest of clarity.

For those who have such an issue with it incase of exploitation - do you never eat chocolate? A lot of cocoa farmers in third world countries are incredibly exploited and live in terrible poverty!
Ever shopped in places like Primark? Eaten processed meat that more than likely comes from slaughterhouses abroad where the animals are basically tortured to death?
My point is that pretty much every industry has exploitation issues! I wouldn’t watch any porn such as DolcettGirls which is basically torture porn. I will watch porn made by consenting adults and produced by women though (such as Kelly Madison who produces her own porn movies with her husband). I can think of at least 12 other famous porn stars off the top of my head who operate in this way too. It’s not that uncommon anymore

Would just like to say, I think the issue for some women (me included) is that the secretive porn often comes on top of other marital issues/resentments and often seems one more disrespectful thing to deal with, especially when /if they know your feelings on it

Frosty: Erm, yeah, I do know that, it's not exactly hidden and yeah it saddens me but as I have said, it's an individual's choice what they eat, wear and watch, I choose not to watch porn, I don't see what the big deal is about that, I don't care if you watch it.

@adora I just find it interesting that people nitpick which exploitative industries they are ok with supporting and which they aren’t. I’m not going to be losing any sleep over whether you watch porn or not but to pp’s who make out those of us who do occasionally enjoy watching porn are basically the spawn of Satan don’t have a leg to stand on if they want to try and take the moral high ground!