dh and porn- I can't get over it

[Dogmum21]

I have joined MN with the intention of finding out the views of others on here, I don't know if I am overreacting or being unreasonable and I don't feel able to discuss this with friends. You will see why...
A few weeks ago my DH thought I was going out and I didn't actually leave when he thought. I then walked in on him looking at something (I assume porn) on his laptop and masturbating. I was very upset and I know he felt really bad that he had upset me so much. I was very shocked that he felt he needed to do this. We decided to try to put it behind us but tbh I am still feeling really upset and can't seem to get past this. I feel betrayed and like it is only a step away from cheating on me. Now I have lost all my confidence and feel really low about myself, I feel like I have failed and am not good enough. I have always been a confident person before now. I also worry about going out now in case he does it again, and then thinking back I wonder how many times he has done it before, of course I might be completely overreacting and this could have been a one off. I have sometimes found intimacy difficult due to experiences I had when I was 11/12 but we have been together 20 years now and I have relaxed a lot more, but I wonder if I have been a let down. Has anyone else been in this situation, I would really appreciate some feedback.

Ah. Right. PornHub. Yep-known for their ethics, they are!

Just about the most controlling thing I can imagine is someone telling me what to do in regards to masurbating. Your issue, not his.

“I hate all porn and I think all men who watch porn are bad in bed/filth/addicted/misogynists"

How about “I hate porn and think men who watch porn are happy with the idea of women as commodities to be bought and sold, and I don’t want men like that in my life”.

All this stuff about cheating, and being good or bad in bed, or feeling insecure or thinking that you are being judged and found wanting against the people in porn is a complete red herring. The crux of the matter is “Do you think that women are commodities to be bought and sold?” No more, no less.

Risk of explosion

"Incommmmming" *duck and roll

The crux of the matter is “Do you think that women are commodities to be bought and sold?” No more, no less.

How do you feel about porn involving only gay men then, Bert? Or porn made by a solo woman who gets off on voyeurism and uploads it herself for her own kicks?

I know how you feel.
For me it's not the actual masterbating that's the problem, for me, he can masterbate all he wants but not to naked women doing god knows what.
Yes everyone/most people masterbate but in a women's case( I don't speak for all women) but I wouldn't do it watching porn, looking at other people's naked bodies by myself just to get off.
For me sex is a personal thing which is between 2 people who love each other and see each other naked and don't need anything else to get off on. I don't want to look at anyone else's body just for the sake of an orgasm, I have my husband why can't that be enough.
For me the way it feels like cheating is because I wouldn't go looking online for a naked man to masterbate to, my husband is enough for me.
So it feels like cheating because he has seen other women in intimate ways which I think he should only be seeing me in them ways as I'm his wife.
Yes you can look at someone and think they are attractive and think there sexy etc but to go as far as seeing someone naked getting shagged left right and centre it just makes me feel a bit yuk.
My husband said he was doing it to just get tips for us. So I thought then great our sex life is shite to him but I'm as adventurous as they come so that isn't the problem and if that's the case why not just read it in a book etc rather than get up close and personal with porn hub or whatever sites he was on.

I felt like shit because it felt like he would rather watch porn than have sex with me, I'm here in the flesh when he wants me.
Plus it didn't help that I had not long had my 1st child so felt quite low. We talked about it and I said we could even watch it together but he refused and said he wouldn't watch it again.

What pissed me off is I found out that he was watching it every time he got in from work and was suppose to be having a shower. Then there's me thinking he was just to tired for sex with me after a long day at work but no he already had his jollies in the shower.

I still can't get past it and I probably do need counciling for it as when we do the deed it gets in my head that he doesn't enjoy it or I'm rubbish then I think about the women who are slim and basically everything I'm not or not doing to him what the women are doing in the videos he has watched. It's got to the point where I struggle to orgasm ( sorry if TMI)

I'm done with it now and we don't have sex half as much as we used to. I suppose I'm still angry with him over it. If he wants to watch it then he can go right ahead because it feels he doesn't want me and only uses me to get his release. He can use his hand from now on I'm past caring.

My lady parts are not thanking me though

At the end of the day even if we can't get past it most people think it is normal for men to do and it doesn't bother them.
Our relationship is good still and we love each other to pieces and I couldn't imagine being without him after all marriage or being in a relationship shouldn't just be about sex sex sex but for most people it is and even if we were to separate seen as its classed as being the norm everyman we meet or may fall in love with will watch porn so we're just stuck or pretend to not give a fuck
Maybe I'm just selfish to think this way.

Have a talk with your partner and really tell him how you feel don't leave anything out.

Go to a website that rhymes with "yawnrub".
Look at the Amateur section, especially the Verified Amateur section.
Click on a variety of videos that take your interest, and then click on the uploader's name to see their profile and a list of everything they have uploaded, and also a blurb about who they are.

I wouldn't do that, Bertrand

Sorry, VietnameseCrispyFish- not in the market for “gotchas”!

@bertrandrussell
For someone who is very anti porn, you sure seem to know a lot about it and also seem very adamant on your views.

Nobody here is suggesting masterbating over exploited people is acceptable. Porn involves men and women. Providing they have chosen freely to participate whilst being filmed, there is no problem in my view.
Porn doesn’t just involve women. Millions of women are watching males perform or other females by choice too.

I'd really try not to worry or think about it, it's nothing like cheating,
I think they all do it when we're out?

It's not cheating but it exploits and objectifie women and changes men's behaviour, ick

I can only speak for myself but I love a bit of porn. Doesn’t worry me in the least if my DH uses it. We’ve used it together too. Bit of slap and tickle goes down a treat. I’ve never cheated and I don’t fantasies about the people I watch...I’d try not to go OTT about it.

I don't see an issue here?

“For someone who is very anti porn, you sure seem to know a lot about it and also seem very adamant on your views.“
It would be wrong for me to be adamant if I didn’t know a lot about it!

How do you know the women in the porn you/your partner watch are not exploited?

Bit weird you take my genuine challenges to your points as attempted ‘gotcha’s Bertrand but okay

The overwhelming amount of freely available porn is heterosexual. Women being fucked by men. Often exploited women who suffer physical and psychological damage. In addition, young women are starting to suffer physical and psychological damage because of the unrealistic view of sex so widely available. In these circumstances, “What about voyeuristic single women” frankly strikes me as a classic “gotcha” attempt.

How do you know the women in the porn you/your partner watch are not exploited?

Did you see my last post? The bit where you asked for a method of working this out, and I supplied one? Because all you seemed to do was say "Yeaaaaaahhhhhhh nope", which isn't a logical argument against my suggested course of action. Please provide more detail as to why you disagree with my suggestion (one of several) for vetting your porn.

Regarding this:

How about “I hate porn and think men who watch porn are happy with the idea of women as commodities to be bought and sold, and I don’t want men like that in my life”.

Then sure, that's your opinion, and you have the right to hold it. You have the right to choose partners who hold the same opinion.

Likewise I have the right to hold the opinion that all porn is not the same, and to access and view porn that fits into my own ethical standards i.e. genuine couples or long term professionals working with established companies, and to seek out a partner who shares my opinion on this topic.

Us disagreeing on this doesn't make either of us factually incorrect. It makes us people with different opinions.

Get over yourself OP. You have no fucking right to dictate what somebody does in private. You dont own him.

I think some types of porn are made willingly and non exploitative. Whether this ‘drives the market’ for exploitative porn I dunno.

But I would be upset if my DH was watching it because of similar reasons to itwontrain. I would be ok if he were to wank to pictures of me. Out of interest, for the people who r ok with it, how is it different from their dh’s Going to a lap dance club or sex show? Is there a problem with live cam work?

That article is the usual crock of shit, still citing Malamuth and Donnerstein as 'proof' when their studies have been discredited for about 20 years.

Oh, and suggesting #NoFap as a 'good' thing? Check it out - it's mostly supported and promoted by the most utterly deranged MRA/incel-type men...

With all respect to you Lushlemming, whilst I would agree that you have no right to dictate what someone does in private, and I would certainly say that with regards to masturbation, but I do think in a long term relationship you are perfectly entitled to know if someone watches porn regularly or not. Many women do hold strong views and wouldn't be happy with someone using it either a bit/a lot or at all. I don't see it as any different to hiding a hefty gambling habit or something else that your partner may find a deal breaker. You may not have an issue but some women find it a deal breaker and that's their perogative. Myself, I don't have an issue with the odd bit and have watched the very occasional thing myself and was upfront about it , , I do have an issue when it starts getting to every day type levels and secretive and pretending it doesn't interest them etc.

Yeah, Pornhub has some ethical issues. One of which is their tendency to pirate the work of independent/ethical/feminist porn producers, which harms their ability to make a living/pay performers a fair rate.

Fair enough, not everyone likes visual porn ie footage of real people engaging in sexual activity: some people are not sexually interested in anyone but an actual live partner; some prefer the fruits of their own imagination to wank to; some prefer written porn, etc. But there isn't anything inherently wrong with enjoying footage of real people engaging in sexual activity, and one way to help deal with the issues of exploitation within the porn industry is to seek out and support those producers who are behaving ethically ie ensuring full, informed consent, paying good rates, encouraging diversity etc.

wouldnt need this

I think your reaction is abnormal. He has done nothing wrong, you need to either grow up or seek some help If you're unable to see this as nothing more than it is, irrelevant and fairly normal.

@bertrand
You’re implying all porn involved exploited people. That is not the case.
It’s the same as clothing or other materials. Some people willingly work in safe suitable environments, whereas others sadly are exploited. But it doesn’t mean everyone wearing clothes is doing something wrong because we can’t always say 100% that the orin of the item didn’t involve exploitation of any kind.

I repeat. Nobody here is suggesting exploitation of people within the sex trade or any other trade for that matter is ok. In fact it is most definately not ok.
Should a couple decide to film themselves and share the video with others, they are consenting to that and others will enjoy watching.

“You’re implying all porn involved exploited people.

No i’m not. I’m implying that much does, and most people don’t do anything to find out. And yes, the same applies to many other industries. But we all need clothes and some people genuinely can’t afford ethically sourced clothing. But we don’t need porn. So why run the risk that you’re wanking to exploitation?