What would you do with this ‘friend’

[SitOnMyHouse]

Massively long story but it boils down to this. My dh’s best friends wife has long made it clear that she can’t stand me. Her eldest daughter has recently been diagnosed as being autistic. Dh and his friend were having a conversation about the diagnosis as our eldest son is also autistic. Dh mentioned that I’m autistic and how it presents diferently in girls/ women.

I was unaware that his friend and wife didn’t know I was autistic. I don’t go around telling everyone I meet and usually only bring it up if I feel it’s relevant. On Saturday I received a massively long letter from friends wife apologising for having not liked me. It is the most ridiculously offensive letter I’ve ever received. She insults me for about 2 sides of A4 explaining all the reasons she started to dislike me and after a few years how the feeling became so intense so couldn’t bear to be in a room with me. I’m self obsessed, sarcastic, think my own jokes are much funnier than they are and am cruel to my dh apparently .

But, it’s ok! She didn’t realise I’m autistic! Now she does she understands my behaviour and views me in a completely different light. She’s invited me out to lunch with her for a catch up. My life would probably be more simple if we were, if not friends, then just people who could rub along together. Dh thought the letter was hilariously awful but admitted it would be nice if we got on.

I don’t generally annoy people (I don’t think anyway). I do have pretty low self esteem though and I’m not sure I could sit through a lunch with her if she’s going to reiterate all her reasons for having not liked me. So, what would you do wise MN’ers? I’m still the same person she’s hated for years!

You can but try . To get on with her .
You do know autism is hereditary so she or husband will be .

I'm so sorry House, that did make me laugh, what issues does she have to make her so damned rude?

I don't think I could face lunch with someone like that.

Honestly I really don't know how I'd respond, what did DH suggest?

Wow. How odd. Sorry you were on the receiving end of that. Don't think I'd be up for the lunch invitation to be honest.

I would love to tell you to stick the letter up her arse - but in reality you prob need to rub along with her unfortunately. Maybe drop her a text saying it's a shame she didn't like you when she didn't know but you're not going to be any different now. Might be worth asking if she realised that her letter was pretty offensive and offering (if you want to be a peacemaker) to have a coffee to explain.

Joboy, it's nothing like as simple as that.

Hmm. It sounds like my mother. Who, in an apology will be sure to insult you and try to convince you it's actually your fault she doesn't really like you.

I've been NC with her for the last decade. That's what I'd advise too. Or message her to tell her to fuck the fuck off and stick her letter up her arse.

Dh has said it would be good if I went but totally gets why I wouldn’t want to. He’s really close to his friend and because his wife has been so hostile to me for such a long time there’s been a lot of group activities that dh has missed out on.

I’ve never seen any signs to suggest she’s autistic and I’m normally fairly good at spotting it. I could be completely wrong there though!

This made me laugh. What an idiot! She still doesn't like you and is still the same horrible person she always was. Give it a miss.

Think I’d be busy washing my hair

That would unhinge me...

I’ve always assumed she disliked me as dh was with one of her best friends for a couple of years before he met me. No overlap or anything though. It’s a bit gutting to realise she actually just hated me because of my personality .

If I do meet her I know I’m going to feel so self conscious and over analysing every word I say even more than I usually do.

Joboy - there’s a genetic component, that doesn’t mean it’s hereditary.

You don't owe her your time. Your time isn't worth less because you're autistic, you can still say "no thanks", you don't have to be grateful for scraps of friendship given grudgingly.

Sending someone a 2 page letter detailing why you didn't used to like them is just AWFUL. It's so fucking gauche.

I think as a pp said you should acknowledge her letter but say you aren't going to be any different now so why try and be buddies.

You are who you are, it's none of her business what impact your autism has on your personality or behaviours and which parts of those she can pick apart as being understandable now she knows your diagnosis.

Another one here saying tough shit, maybe you don't like her either

Think I would tell her to fuck off. Who needs friends like that?

I wouldn't waste my energy on this idiot OP

I hadn’t considered that she might just want to pick my brains about her daughter. I have a good group of friends that seem to like me despite my unfunny jokes and narcissism so I really don’t need her pity friendship. I’m perfectly happy to be in her company in a group setting though.

Oh bless you! People are truly bonkers.

I’d try and go along as she’s such a big part of your life. Can you detach yourself and imagine she’s an anthropological study for you. Keep nipping to the loo to take notes. Then you can debrief after with dh, a friend, us (! Hopefully). X

I think she's feeling guilty. Although not done very well. You could go once and see how you get on , for your dh if nothing else

I'm a bit marmite, some people hate me on sight but I just can sense this is going to happen now & swerve those people.

I would be civil in company but I wouldn't trust myself to manage a 1:1 lunch.

you may be autistic, but she is socially challenged 😂
It is kind of you to consider your dhs needs. But this, I think, would be of such a great cost to you self-esteem-wise. Do not actively choose to be with people who puts you down.
I would just make an excuse and ignore if any more contact.

I don't like having enemies, even when said enrmies are frightful bitches like this one.
I wouldn't go for this though.
i'd have no problem "making friends" in situations where we all were anyway, but there's no way in the world i'd meet up with her deliberately so she can insult me and make it all seem.okay.

I would advise that you be pally with her, because this diagnosis will be hard for her to deal with (she sounds like she could easily be a AWM™ and they need pulling back to earth often).

Other posters saying that "it's not as simple" as the heredity/genetic link - yes it's not "that simple" but it's very bloody likely, and she's obviously missed some social tricks everywhere

Full disclosure, I'm autistic too.
The woman's a nasty bitch, but she'll need friendly support to stop her screwing her dd's life up.

Say yes but also let’s not dwell on the past or negativity