What would you do with this ‘friend’

[SitOnMyHouse]

Massively long story but it boils down to this. My dh’s best friends wife has long made it clear that she can’t stand me. Her eldest daughter has recently been diagnosed as being autistic. Dh and his friend were having a conversation about the diagnosis as our eldest son is also autistic. Dh mentioned that I’m autistic and how it presents diferently in girls/ women.

I was unaware that his friend and wife didn’t know I was autistic. I don’t go around telling everyone I meet and usually only bring it up if I feel it’s relevant. On Saturday I received a massively long letter from friends wife apologising for having not liked me. It is the most ridiculously offensive letter I’ve ever received. She insults me for about 2 sides of A4 explaining all the reasons she started to dislike me and after a few years how the feeling became so intense so couldn’t bear to be in a room with me. I’m self obsessed, sarcastic, think my own jokes are much funnier than they are and am cruel to my dh apparently .

But, it’s ok! She didn’t realise I’m autistic! Now she does she understands my behaviour and views me in a completely different light. She’s invited me out to lunch with her for a catch up. My life would probably be more simple if we were, if not friends, then just people who could rub along together. Dh thought the letter was hilariously awful but admitted it would be nice if we got on.

I don’t generally annoy people (I don’t think anyway). I do have pretty low self esteem though and I’m not sure I could sit through a lunch with her if she’s going to reiterate all her reasons for having not liked me. So, what would you do wise MN’ers? I’m still the same person she’s hated for years!

And do you not think it's time DH had a word with his friend? He should be supporting you and refusing to go as this woman is so unpleasant.

All the rest in the group have been friends since uni, I’m a late arrival. Although I got with dh a year after uni finished and we’ve been together for over a decade. Everyone else in the group has always been nice about it but don’t want to get involved. There’s something sensitive that’s alluded to but I never quite found out what it is that happened to Hannah that the rest in the group suggest explains her behaviour towards me. I always assumed it was her mate having gone out with dh before me (not overlap btw) so it’s even more confusing to find out it’s actually just my awful personality.

Oops. NC fail.

Surely your DH knows about the sensitive thing? If not, can he ask someone? That's really odd that it's never come up!

I wouldn't respond.

That sort of letter does not warrant a reply.

She sounds awful and I would not appreciate being "tolerated " by someone who has behaved so obnoxiously in the past.

She had ignored you, caused an atmosphere, walked out of the room and let you you losing out on group activities.

She sounds awful and a user. Don't get enmeshed now.

You owe her nothing but basic courtesy (that she hasn't managed herself for years.)

Relax, it's not your personality. But she is never going to admit that and feels guilty as all hell because she now knows about your autism, so she is trying to hang it all on that.

This is her way of trying to fix what she's done, but she's gone about it in a cack handed way.

Don't go in all guns blazing, just let it go with a non-committal type of acceptance of her apology. You have a larger group which you need to get along with. Who knows, if she realises that you're not going to be vindictive about it she might one day be more honest about why she was so against you, if not to you, then at least to herself.

Having said that just go on a weekend away again.

Be yourself, and see if SHE has adapted her behaviour. That's what's required in my view. (Who wants to "nurture a friendship" by going to lunch with a vindictive fruit loop?)

Send her a letter.
Forgive her. tell her you know where she was coming from and that she understands its probably difficult being a sociopath like her.....

The funny letters are good on here. Probably mostly unsendable!

I wouldn't do a heartfelt letter of any kind in this situation.

I thought the option of saying if it's brought up again that you'd ignored it thinking it had been written while drunk was something I could say. How does one respond to such an "inappropriate" message?!