What would you do with this ‘friend’

[SitOnMyHouse]

Massively long story but it boils down to this. My dh’s best friends wife has long made it clear that she can’t stand me. Her eldest daughter has recently been diagnosed as being autistic. Dh and his friend were having a conversation about the diagnosis as our eldest son is also autistic. Dh mentioned that I’m autistic and how it presents diferently in girls/ women.

I was unaware that his friend and wife didn’t know I was autistic. I don’t go around telling everyone I meet and usually only bring it up if I feel it’s relevant. On Saturday I received a massively long letter from friends wife apologising for having not liked me. It is the most ridiculously offensive letter I’ve ever received. She insults me for about 2 sides of A4 explaining all the reasons she started to dislike me and after a few years how the feeling became so intense so couldn’t bear to be in a room with me. I’m self obsessed, sarcastic, think my own jokes are much funnier than they are and am cruel to my dh apparently .

But, it’s ok! She didn’t realise I’m autistic! Now she does she understands my behaviour and views me in a completely different light. She’s invited me out to lunch with her for a catch up. My life would probably be more simple if we were, if not friends, then just people who could rub along together. Dh thought the letter was hilariously awful but admitted it would be nice if we got on.

I don’t generally annoy people (I don’t think anyway). I do have pretty low self esteem though and I’m not sure I could sit through a lunch with her if she’s going to reiterate all her reasons for having not liked me. So, what would you do wise MN’ers? I’m still the same person she’s hated for years!

Simple, eloquent response...

"Dear Bitchy McFuckface. Thank you for attempting to validate my personality, however I was born autistic but you seem to have worked very hard at being a cunt. That level of commitment to your art isn't to be sniffed at, but your sudden change in tone just because little Esmerelda shares something with me is more transparent than a paper bag that has held a Gregg's sausage roll. I do understand that you'd suddenly like to patch things up with me, and I respect your directness. However, I'm autistic, not a fucking idiot, you can get tae fuck.

Yours,
SitOnMyHouse

Ps: however far you fuck off, you could always try to fuck off further, I will not impede you in this endeavour."

Oh OP. You're more than your autism and deserve to be treated well always. She's a cow but thinks you're useful now (being the expert on autism). Given the way she's set out her "not apology" I'd say she's the narcissist, not you. X

God, what a cow. How on earth did she think this was appropriate.

You could just say your last paragraph, I have a good group of friends that seem to like me despite my unfunny jokes and narcissism so I really don’t need your pity friendship, but I’m perfectly happy to be in your company in a group setting though.

If it would really be easier to be friendlyish, I'd agree to a quick coffee - but be clear that's on the condition there's no harping on about her list of bastardness. You can be as blunt as you like now, surely, since she's been clear she doesn't like you?

Joboy. Hang on, then one of my parents would be. They don't present as autistic to me.

She sounds absolutely fucking insane. Who the hell writes a letter like that, unless the sole intention is to hurt someone? Sounds to me like she's just wanting to dump on you, tbh.

Ignore the woman and her spiteful screed, is my advice. Who needs that shit?

I'd go with Mookatron's suggestion
Me being me I'd also add.
I just thought you were a cunt, and I can see now that I was right

@Joboy you're confusing genetic predisposition with certainty. It's certainly genetically linked, but it's not by any means a definite that an ASD child will have an ASD parent, or even a parent with soft traits, or a linked condition (ADHD, dyslexia, dyspraxia etc). It just increases the odds.

If you wanted to be really evil you could have a lot of fun with this. The letter sounds like a green light to behave however the hell you like whilst she head tilts and ‘understands your behaviour’. Not great for getting her to actually understand autism, help her daughter or support your DH’s friendship, but apart from those minor issues

Oh what a silly woman! I was actually thinking to myself that her telling you this sounds like something my autistic son would do. He told me I smelled horrible the other day and the more I tried to explain to him that it wasn't really an ok thing to say (I had just put on deoderant and he didn't like the spray smell!) the more he gravely attempted to explain to me that it was just because it was a really horrible smell and it had gone into his nose and made him feel a bit sick when he came near me etc etc. He's awesome.

I think I'd write back a very breezy and vague note:

Thank you so much for your letter. Please don't worry about it at all, I promise you it's all forgotten as far as I'm concerned and I'm more than happy for us to be friends going forwards. We must definitely grab that coffee sometime.

And obviously never actually schedule the coffee and be polite and friendly in company but not pally.

Good grief, why on earth would you want to meet up with her? Perhaps you dislike her now?! What a stupid cow!

What an actual cow

Buy a bright red sharpie, write 2 words (7 letters) across the middle of the letter and post it back to her.

Hmmm. I’m wondering about something now. I had a colleague who I found irritating for all sorts of reasons. He later told me about a neuro disability he had (not autism) and how it affected how he did things. It was those things which irritated me, made him come across as arrogant, egotistical and very patronising. When he explained how his mind worked and why he did those things, I did find him less irritating and was able to adjust how I interacted with him, which helped him too. So, I can see where the friend is coming from.

That said, I never once told the guy that I had thought he was an arrogant twat, but it’s ok because he had x. That is unspeakably cruel.

How awful! I would reply saying that she clearly doesn't like you and knowing you have autism shouldn't change that. However it would be good if she can find the social skills to be polite to you so that you don't feel so uncomfortable in her company and you and your DH don't have to miss out on group activities

Crikey OP, I find it hard to get my head around someone writing such an offensive letter. Poor you having to read that.

You could be straight with her. Something along the lines that you would have liked to move forwards and strike up a friendship but having seen exactly what she thought of you written down you are hurt and surprised. You are also confused as to why she choose to describe her feelings in such depth, without much regard to how this might make you feel. As such you are concerned that she will choose to continue along a similar vein if you meet up.

If this was me I'd be telling my dh that couple socialising thing you have tolerated is over now and he can see his pal on his own.

Nope! And all the nope!

You're being set up. Geuine people just dobt behave this way.

Dont go if for no other reason than that appalling piss take of a letter apology.

Why would you put yourself through that? She sounds foul. She needs to own the fact that she has treated you abysmally.

For your dh's sake, I would probably ignore how offensive and insulting she is and not go to town on her.

I imagine she suddenly sees you as useful whereas before she didn't and felt free to make her dislike apparent.

I wouldn't be taking up her offer tho. Hahahaha. No.

Probably just say "I appreciate the apology for your behaviour over the years" and walk off quickly leave it at that.

Why are you even considering meeting with her?

Your DH is being a dick here too. Zero points for loyalty

Showme brilliant reply, almost sorted by bedtime cuppa!

Snorted my- not sorted by!

OP, I suspect that I may have missed a diagnosis myself down the years, but even I can now spot a person who's gone "You are now useful to me" and is being all pally for that reason. Well I can spot them when it's clearly written down like this anyway

She is being manipulative. Possibly also guilty, but definitely that first one. If I were you I'd use that 'sod off with your pity friendship' wording, that's good.

I would swerve her in a big way, what a fucking cow. She's burnt her bridges big time, imo. What a truly appalling letter. You don't need to be her friend just because your dhs are matey.

Showme nailed it, send that and as pp said your dh can see them on his own or show you some damned loyalty. If he is any kind of decent husband he wouldn't want anything to do with her.
And yes she is a grade A twat.