What would you do with this ‘friend’

[SitOnMyHouse]

Massively long story but it boils down to this. My dh’s best friends wife has long made it clear that she can’t stand me. Her eldest daughter has recently been diagnosed as being autistic. Dh and his friend were having a conversation about the diagnosis as our eldest son is also autistic. Dh mentioned that I’m autistic and how it presents diferently in girls/ women.

I was unaware that his friend and wife didn’t know I was autistic. I don’t go around telling everyone I meet and usually only bring it up if I feel it’s relevant. On Saturday I received a massively long letter from friends wife apologising for having not liked me. It is the most ridiculously offensive letter I’ve ever received. She insults me for about 2 sides of A4 explaining all the reasons she started to dislike me and after a few years how the feeling became so intense so couldn’t bear to be in a room with me. I’m self obsessed, sarcastic, think my own jokes are much funnier than they are and am cruel to my dh apparently .

But, it’s ok! She didn’t realise I’m autistic! Now she does she understands my behaviour and views me in a completely different light. She’s invited me out to lunch with her for a catch up. My life would probably be more simple if we were, if not friends, then just people who could rub along together. Dh thought the letter was hilariously awful but admitted it would be nice if we got on.

I don’t generally annoy people (I don’t think anyway). I do have pretty low self esteem though and I’m not sure I could sit through a lunch with her if she’s going to reiterate all her reasons for having not liked me. So, what would you do wise MN’ers? I’m still the same person she’s hated for years!

However you respond to her, don't use the phrase "No hard feelings". Lets her off the hook way too much and isn't true!

Tbh, I'd go with your own email.

"Hi Hannah,
It's so important to try and be forgiving of others' issues isn't it? I didn't realise you were also on the spectrum until I got your overly blunt letter!

Unfortunately I am currently too busy seeing people who actually like me to meet up with you in but if they're ever too busy then I'll try and fit you in :)
Best wishes
SitOnMyHouse"

I don’t think she knows my dbro is autistic. Unless dh mentioned it when he was out with his friend recently.

storm I would love to send her that 😆

I’d send your original email. She needs to know that what she said is unacceptable.

Don’t let this bitch get you down, she’s clearly a nasty cunt. Actually no, scratch that: she lacks the depth and the warmth.

I agree, send your original message.

There’s no point in telling her you are hurt, she doesn’t care. She cares about being right . In her mind, “ right” = not being mean to a poor disabled person who can’t help it .

( all bollocks of course )

No one with ANY empathy or kindness sends a letter listing the other person’s faults then asking to be friends.

If she didn’t like you when she thought you were NT, she isn’t going to like you because she now knows you have ASC.

If you didnt like her before , you won’t like her now she has a child with a diagnosis.

She wants to meet up to make HER feel better about being such a witch.

This isn’t going to work for you. You don’t have to get on with her, she’s not close family . I’d send the breezy reply “ thanks for sharing , no thanks to lunch , see you around “.

Not because she deserves your kindness or you holding your tongue. But because YOU don’t need any more grief from her or your husband. You just need to give this toxic person a body swerve .

I feel very angry on your behalf.

I simply wouldn't respond. She basically sent you a character assassination in that letter, I'd never be able to stomach her company again.

I also don't understand why you have to be friends with her just because your dh is best friends with her dh. If there are group activities he should go on his own.

I've often observed that traits which are considered absolutely fine in men are sometimes considered abrupt, rude and downright bizarre in women; mostly by other women. I'd say this fits the bill!

Maybe wear a prosthetic willy next time - she'll be ok with your personality then, with no need for noble forbearance

id just say thats funny i dont like u either

I think @Whatcha’s tweaking of the original email sets the right tone.

I wouldn't send that. You sound angry. Keep moral high ground.

You don't owe her your time or a response. Just leave it. Your words will be wasted on someone like that. She won't understand.

I think shorter is best. Something like:

Got your letter - bit taken aback by it if I'm honest, not great for anyone's self esteem as I'm sure you could imagine? That being said I would like for us all to get on, so let's get together soon. Hope all is going well with xxx

It's polite and open but makes it clear that she's insulted you?!

Wonder if her dh saw the letter, and what he made of it.

She sounds autistic herself.

Can you just reply 'thanks for the apology/note (or I got your message), it will be really good to be able to get along/be friends going forward. See you soon'. Then make an effort to smile and say hi next time you bump into each other. So just ignore the lunch suggestion.

Whoops seem your message, that's very good. Go for it.

I agree with pp. Go with your original email. Then forget about her and carry on with your lovely life

Don't reply yet if you're not sure what to say. I might end up leaving it myself.
I'd also go for a short reply if you do reply.

You could just wait until you see her and then say sorry you didn't get round to replying. If you ever get to talk to her in person you may be able to make some of the points you raised here gently. I think doing it on writing seems more confrontational.

Just send your original email and try to forget about it. Your email is really good and gets across your point really well.

You don't need to be wasting any more time thinking about her.

I think your draft is perfect, but see if you can work in the bit about suggesting she re-read it and imagine someone sending something like that to her daughter.

Send your message OP. And tell your DH to manage his own friendship rather than making it your responsibility.

Grief. The fact she thought it appropriate to wrote that letter tells you to be polite but keep her at arms length. She sounds bonkers.

I like your letter and Storm's!

Storm's made me laugh out loud.

Don't worry burning bridges. I mean, her letter's already ignited, burnt and reduced to ashes that bridge.

Personally I wouldn’t mention the autism / low self esteem thing. She will end up thinking she shouldn’t have sent that letter because you’re autistic, rather than because it’s really rude.

If you really want to get on with her I’d send one of the non-committal “thanks, bit busy right now but hopefully see you at ” type replies.

But if the rift between the two of you has been so bad so far that it’s made both you & your DH avoid group events (if I understood your op correctly) then tbh I’m not sure this is salvageable. If you could be in the same room and ignore her you’d presumably be doing that already. So.... tell her to fuck off

Dh does lots of climbing with his friends that are weekends away with family and kids in tow. The dc love it but if Hannah is there it’s just awful. He doesn’t generally go anymore as he works away Mon-Fri so if we don’t go with him he wouldn’t see us. The dc’s love doing these weekends and I used to as well. But it just got worse and worse with Hannah until it got to the point that if I walked into a room she’d walk out. Which was just awkward for everyone as we’d never had a falling out and I never knew what it was that she’d decided I’d done that wronged her so much.

Life would be much easier if she could be civil to me in these situations. I kind of hope she’s reading this thread (I know she’s a MN’er). I’m sure she has a totally different view of the situation.

Turn her down and spend the time on yourself. You don't need friends like that.