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Original poster

What would you do with this ‘friend’

159 replies

SitOnMyHouse · 14/01/2019 21:48

Massively long story but it boils down to this. My dh’s best friends wife has long made it clear that she can’t stand me. Her eldest daughter has recently been diagnosed as being autistic. Dh and his friend were having a conversation about the diagnosis as our eldest son is also autistic. Dh mentioned that I’m autistic and how it presents diferently in girls/ women.

I was unaware that his friend and wife didn’t know I was autistic. I don’t go around telling everyone I meet and usually only bring it up if I feel it’s relevant. On Saturday I received a massively long letter from friends wife apologising for having not liked me. It is the most ridiculously offensive letter I’ve ever received. She insults me for about 2 sides of A4 explaining all the reasons she started to dislike me and after a few years how the feeling became so intense so couldn’t bear to be in a room with me. I’m self obsessed, sarcastic, think my own jokes are much funnier than they are and am cruel to my dh apparently Confused.

But, it’s ok! She didn’t realise I’m autistic! Now she does she understands my behaviour and views me in a completely different light. She’s invited me out to lunch with her for a catch up. My life would probably be more simple if we were, if not friends, then just people who could rub along together. Dh thought the letter was hilariously awful but admitted it would be nice if we got on.

I don’t generally annoy people (I don’t think anyway). I do have pretty low self esteem though and I’m not sure I could sit through a lunch with her if she’s going to reiterate all her reasons for having not liked me. So, what would you do wise MN’ers? I’m still the same person she’s hated for years!

OP posts:
Jaxhog · 15/01/2019 17:59

I’ve always assumed she disliked me as dh was with one of her best friends for a couple of years before he met me.

This may well be the truth, and she's rationalised her hatred into being YOUR fault.

I don't like everyone, but have never sent them a letter detailing why! It just seems extraordinarily rude and self centered to do that.

Surfskatefamily · 15/01/2019 18:02

Id tell her your glad you can get on better now but maybe suggest lunch with your husbands there too. So you dont feel too one on one with conversation. Easier to get through

NataliaOsipova · 15/01/2019 18:04

I think your email is really good. It’s honest, straightforward and polite. Why should you bend over backwards to make her feel better? No way would I be lunching with her....

ThanosSavedMe · 15/01/2019 18:05

Now I wouldn’t accept her ‘apology’. She wrote a rude and offensive letter.

I would stick with your original draft op but add offensive to where you’ve put hurtful.

percypeppers · 15/01/2019 19:12

Why do you need to respond? What are you hoping to achieve? Do you want to be friends with her?

She wants a response from you. It has nothing to do with you (and your autism) and everything about her/her daughter's diagnosis. She wants to pick your brains about it and is hoping to 'befriend' you because now she sees you as a useful source of information. Why bother? She has already shown you her true colours. If she was a mature adult, she wouldn't have treated you poorly in the first place.

Silence is very powerful. Don't respond and let her sweat. You don't owe her anything and you certainly don't need to pander to her because she has fessed up. Give her a wide berth if you encounter her at group gatherings and if you need to speak to her then be polite but brief. Never diss her to other friends. You are the better person in all this and rising above it all will reconfirm it.

IroningMan · 15/01/2019 19:15

And they say WE are socially inept. I wouldn't dream of doing this. I don't think I'd take up the invitation.

sackrifice · 15/01/2019 19:25

'Hi.
Thanks for the 'letter'.
I have it on good authority that everyone on mumsnet thinks you are a cunt, but actually I just think you are a spiteful cow. I hope nobody ever treats your daughter the way you treated me, and potentially any other women with autism.
I'd rather poke my eyes out than have a coffee with you, but I suppose I'll put up with you in the same room if that occasion merits in future.
I wish your daughter all the luck in the world, with a piece like you for a mother, she's going to need it'.

rytonsister · 15/01/2019 19:50

I'd simply Ask how she would feel had her dd received that letter....

And leave it there. Get her thinking without dignifying it with anything further.

I think she's a cow.
Ds has Aspergers .

Fl0w3r · 15/01/2019 21:06

Oh OP. ‘Hannah’ sounds like a difficult person! I wouldn’t give her the time of day but maybe acknowledge her letter.

In terms of the way you speak about yourself, like not knowing how to be less self centred etc... you don’t need to change you! Especially not because of a cow bag.

You have your lovely life with your family and the friends you have chosen. You just have to tolerate her because you care for your DH. Sounds like you do a lot better at tolerating her than she does you. Gosh she’s really got my back up.

It’s ok for two people to simply just not get on.

In terms of the genetic thing, it doesn’t necessarily mean her parents are on the spectrum, for example in my family, there’s my dad, me, my sister and then my other sister isn’t but she has two kids who are so it skipped a generation there.

yorkshirepud44 · 15/01/2019 21:17

What a twatty letter to send anyone. Hard to tell if it was deliberately mean or just woefully misjudged. Hopefully the latter.

Her loss though. You sound fab to me. I'd be cool and breezy and let her cringe when she works it out.

ThunderR0ad78 · 15/01/2019 21:27

Joboy - parents who are not autistic, have children that are. Am not being rude but you really can't say that!

Binglebong · 15/01/2019 21:32

I've often observed that traits which are considered absolutely fine in men are sometimes considered abrupt, rude and downright bizarre in women; mostly by other women. I'd say this fits the bill!

This is what I had planned to say, although less eloquently. It's either that or she's now lost the place she sees as hers in your DH's life (not necessarily wanting to be with him - just that space).

I like your letter. I'd send it (and warn DH there may be fall out!) but end that you hope her daughter is never sent such an unpleasant thing. Make it clear you're disgusted by her actions.

If you're going to burn bridges you may as well use dynamite.Grin

Cattus · 15/01/2019 21:32

I wouldn’t send your reply. It comes across as lovely to me, but I think she’d just take it as a confirmation of what she’d thought and that you’d eventually get over having been touchy about her letter.

I love the humorous replies on page 2. Either one of those or a polite brush off would do.

Definitely don’t go out of your way to see her again. She sounds to be be a nasty bully.

Binglebong · 15/01/2019 21:34

Live it Sackrifice!

perfectstorm · 15/01/2019 22:34

Honestly, I'd just send:

Hi Hannah,

Thanks for the letter.

I’d be happy to see you in group situations (if you truly are able to overcome your aversion to being in the same room as me) but a one on one meeting would not work for me.

SitOnMyHouse

She's been a patronising cunt, deigning to suggest she tolerates your company. Smacking her down by acknowledging her letter was sent, and declining any contact not in a group situation, is actually a way to demonstrate your independence from her idiocy. It's a way of showing you see what she's like, and are not interested in engaging with her over it. The letter wasn't sent with good intentions. She was dumping on you. Nobody sends a letter like that and expects the recipient to be pleased, and if she really thinks that venting her spleen in that way would be welcome then again, why bother wasting energy?

As you say: nice life, nice home, nice job, nice partner. No need for this decidedly not nice woman in your life. And no time for her shenanigans, either - even by bothering to counter them.

I think, sometimes, what you don't say can speak more loudly than all the words in the world.

perfectstorm · 15/01/2019 22:36

Oh, and for the record? You sound thoughtful, measured, kind and fair. Too bloody good to waste time or energy on this creature.

So sorry you've been subjected to this horrible, horrible treatment. I so, so hope that she's kinder to her own poor little girl than she's managed to be to you.

MilesHuntsWig · 15/01/2019 23:29

Hmmmm. Hadn't realised quite what a petty primadonna bitch she had been.

Tbh I have now shifted opinion and think fuck her, why should you be the peacemaker. Either ignore or provide a short response about how her letter was hurtful and that a one on one doesn't work for you but you're happy to be civil in group environments (if you want to hang out with a group of people who enabled such shitty behaviour).

magoria · 15/01/2019 23:46

She is trying to ease her guilt about treating you like shit because you are 'not normal'.

She doesn't actually give a shit about you, it is all about her.

You don't owe her anything not even a reply to her 'reasons'.

MulticolourMophead · 16/01/2019 01:47

Could always try a classic Civil Service type response.

"Thanks you for your letter of X date, the contents of which are noted."

Which basically translates as "Whatever"

Although my preference is for silence. To me, responding just reinforces the idea that she actually has a point. Which she doesn't, as you're coming across as a nice person.

I'd say the idea that she dislikes you because your DH was previously dating her friend has some legs. Or maybe she's jealous about something else to do with you. In any case, her behaviour is shitty, both the letter and the behaviour when you've all been together. So childish.

Weathermonger · 16/01/2019 02:48

Never mind what she wants (sounds like a right bitch by the way) nor what your husband thinks would be a good idea, what do YOU want to do ? Don't feel like you have to go along to please her, especially when she hasn't exactly offered you a proper apology.

Butteredghost · 16/01/2019 03:44

Not sure if you've sent your email yet, I wouldn't respond at all.

If she or her DH ask you about it, say "oh yes, that was so weird that I assumed you were drunk and ignored it".

Rememory · 16/01/2019 06:38

I'd have to sit in my hands but I'd ignore it. I'd also be annoyed that my DH thought it was funny and didn't get pissed off that his friend would be so cruel to someone he loves. He could have helped this and doesn't appear to have tried.

Binglebong · 16/01/2019 08:07

Since you think she's on mumsnet you could always send back "Are you on glue?".

Nanny0gg · 16/01/2019 09:03

@showmeshoyu

Classic response. Absolutely classic.

I wish there was a topic for classic responses as well as classic threads.

You should use this, OP!

Nanny0gg · 16/01/2019 09:08

Surely if you're in a group situation and there's someone there you don't like, you can politely avoid them.

You don't go out of your way to make everyone in the room feel awkward and embarrassed.

She clearly has no social skills herself. I'm surprised someone else in the group hasn't stepped in to diffuse the situation or just straight out tell her how rude she is.