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Original poster

What would you do with this ‘friend’

159 replies

SitOnMyHouse · 14/01/2019 21:48

Massively long story but it boils down to this. My dh’s best friends wife has long made it clear that she can’t stand me. Her eldest daughter has recently been diagnosed as being autistic. Dh and his friend were having a conversation about the diagnosis as our eldest son is also autistic. Dh mentioned that I’m autistic and how it presents diferently in girls/ women.

I was unaware that his friend and wife didn’t know I was autistic. I don’t go around telling everyone I meet and usually only bring it up if I feel it’s relevant. On Saturday I received a massively long letter from friends wife apologising for having not liked me. It is the most ridiculously offensive letter I’ve ever received. She insults me for about 2 sides of A4 explaining all the reasons she started to dislike me and after a few years how the feeling became so intense so couldn’t bear to be in a room with me. I’m self obsessed, sarcastic, think my own jokes are much funnier than they are and am cruel to my dh apparently Confused.

But, it’s ok! She didn’t realise I’m autistic! Now she does she understands my behaviour and views me in a completely different light. She’s invited me out to lunch with her for a catch up. My life would probably be more simple if we were, if not friends, then just people who could rub along together. Dh thought the letter was hilariously awful but admitted it would be nice if we got on.

I don’t generally annoy people (I don’t think anyway). I do have pretty low self esteem though and I’m not sure I could sit through a lunch with her if she’s going to reiterate all her reasons for having not liked me. So, what would you do wise MN’ers? I’m still the same person she’s hated for years!

OP posts:
Surfingtheweb · 14/01/2019 23:25

@showmeshoyu 😂😂😂😂😂😂 whAt everyone would like to say to everyone that's a shit head in their life... but can't 😂😂😂

Yogatrainee · 14/01/2019 23:31

Ah c'mon OP...I can't believe you're even thinking about meeting her. It'll just create unnecessary heart ache & chaos in your mind.

You are not autism which is more/less what she implied. Each person with autism is different with different flaws and strengths. You know that but does she?

I'd write a short, honest letter back saying 'thanks for your attempts at bringing us together. I'm sure it was unintentional but I found your description of why you haven't liked me exceptionally hurtful. I don't hold a grudge against you but I'd rather not meet for lunch. Let's just move on & try to get along when we're out in a group.'

PatricksRum · 15/01/2019 00:51

Respond:

"Hi, thanks for your letter c u next Tuesday (sorry that's my autism)
Lunch would be great, I take it you're paying?

Many thanks"

Order champagne.

Needsomebottle · 15/01/2019 05:47

I think I'd try and find a way to respond in which you thank her for her honest communication and point out that you have had issues with her also all these years, tell her that you appreciate her invitation but it's not necessary and that maybe you both just try being more tolerant in group situations then suggest a group meeting, the sort of event your husband has missed out on over the years that you mentioned. Good luck. She sounds vile.

bloggingmumny · 15/01/2019 07:22

No way in hell would I meet her for lunch and I'm not neurotypical either. Your husband is putting his social wants over putting you in an awful situation.

Two letter options for you OP

Dear bitch face
Thanks for the apology. I always wondered if it was my autism that made it hard for me to get along with you despite the fact I get along so well with my proper friends or if in fact you are a cunt and your letter proved me right. You are a cunt.

I'd sooner cut my fingers off with a blunt nail file than sit down to lunch with you

OP

Too much? Grin

Then
.
Hi

Thanks for the apology. No hard feelings. Let's move on.

I'm a bit too busy for lunch at the moment but am sure we'll see you at another event soon

OP

WhoGivesADamnForAFlakeyBandit · 15/01/2019 07:27

Does her husband know what was actually in the letter? Perhaps she's told him she wrote a gushing 2 page letter of apology in order that you'd help with their daughter and if you don't respond "appropriately" roll over then they'll both be annoyed with you.

Original poster
SitOnMyHouse · 15/01/2019 07:36

Right I’m going to send her an email. How does this sound?

Hi Hannah,

Thanks for sending me the letter. It’s good to know after all these years exactly why you were unable to tolerate being in a room with me. I found your letter incredibly hurtful - if you have done any research at all on autism after Isla’s diagnosis you will know that women with autism very often struggle with low self esteem and constantly worry how people perceive them.

I’d be happy to see you in group situations (if you truly are able to overcome your aversion to being in the same room as me) but a one on one meeting would be too stressful for me.

SitOnMyHouse

OP posts:
Original poster
SitOnMyHouse · 15/01/2019 07:36

Names changed btw

OP posts:
NottonightJosepheen · 15/01/2019 07:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Minniemagoo · 15/01/2019 07:47

Firstly you might want to ask MN to remove the names in the e-mail.
I think your e-mail could be taken confrontationally making you look the bad guy. Theres understandably a lot of hurt in it which I always feels gives the other person the upper hand.
Would you consider phrasing it more along the lines of:
Thanks for your e-mail. Unfortunately.most of the characteristics you describe as annoying you are my personality rather than due to my autism. As your DD has now been diagnosed perhaps further research into the traits is needed. One of the big issues is ....(women struggle with low self esteem etc, rest of your e-mail)

NottonightJosepheen · 15/01/2019 07:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ruddygreattiger2016 · 15/01/2019 07:51

Your email is excellent. (I wouldn't be as polite as you though!)

NoArmaniNoPunani · 15/01/2019 07:52

That's a great response. You've managed to be much more polite than she deserves

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 15/01/2019 07:55

I think your letter is a bit polite - I would substitute offensive for hurtful, substitute willing for happy, and instead of saying a one to one meeting would be too stressful for you, simply say that you would prefer not to meet with her one to one.

The problem here is her, not your autism, so no discussion of that is required.

billybagpuss · 15/01/2019 07:56

I think your e-mail could be taken confrontationally making you look the bad guy.

I disagree, I think its very good. She sent you 2 sides of insults, she needs to be told.

NotANotMan · 15/01/2019 07:58

I'd go with this one from another poster:

Hi

Thanks for the apology. No hard feelings. Let's move on.

I'm a bit too busy for lunch at the moment but am sure we'll see you at another event soon

OP

Yours is great but might burn bridges!

Sunshineboo · 15/01/2019 08:00

I think the below is the best response. And then just avoid her on a one-to-one basis and let her run around after you. Watching her try hard will be the best Hi

Thanks for the apology. No hard feelings. Let's move on.

I'm a bit too busy for lunch at the moment but am sure we'll see you at another event soon

OP

Needsomebottle · 15/01/2019 08:07

I think if you're going with the less confrontational approach I wouldn't be able to bring myself to accept (or sound like I'm accepting) her apology.

I'd go with "thank you for your email, it was very insightful. No need to go for lunch, I'm sure we will catch up soon. Let's just try and move forwards"

Needsomebottle · 15/01/2019 08:08

And then maybe ask her to re-read her letter imagining someone sent it to her child!!!

Musti · 15/01/2019 08:10

Brilliant response op. From all your responses on here I can't tell that there is absolutely nothing wrong with your personality and her taking a dislike towards you is probably because of some issues that she has that has nothing to do with you. The fact that she's written such a vile letter only shows that it's 100% her that's the problem. There are some people who I'm not keen on or could take or leave bit I would never in a million years detail nor think of writing a letter like that. At the end of the day, you have done her no wrong and as such it would be pretty easy to just be polite in social gatherings. The fact that she's made it obvious she doesn't like you and you've all missed out on group gatherings because of her shows that it's all end problem.

MarthasGinYard · 15/01/2019 08:11

'And then maybe ask her to re-read her letter imagining someone sent it to her child!!!'

What a great idea.

Doghorsechicken · 15/01/2019 08:12

I think your email sounds great op

Needsmorebeans · 15/01/2019 08:15

I would also ask her why she felt any of her 'reasons' for disliking you justified her excluding to you such a degree that you and DH missed out on several group social occasions.
She should be reflecting on results of her own behaviour not trying to justify it. She's s nasty little bully.

Jennbot · 15/01/2019 08:16

Yes send that. If you resort to swearing or insults it means she wins. Stay calm and rise above it with your email and avoid in the future.
What a nasty woman. No one needs friends like that ever.

Mookatron · 15/01/2019 08:19

Very good email. Clear, honest, direct. You've been polite throughout but she'll be deservedly devastated when she reads it (unless she is actually a psychopath, which frankly wouldn't surprise me all that much).