What would you do with this ‘friend’

[SitOnMyHouse]

Massively long story but it boils down to this. My dh’s best friends wife has long made it clear that she can’t stand me. Her eldest daughter has recently been diagnosed as being autistic. Dh and his friend were having a conversation about the diagnosis as our eldest son is also autistic. Dh mentioned that I’m autistic and how it presents diferently in girls/ women.

I was unaware that his friend and wife didn’t know I was autistic. I don’t go around telling everyone I meet and usually only bring it up if I feel it’s relevant. On Saturday I received a massively long letter from friends wife apologising for having not liked me. It is the most ridiculously offensive letter I’ve ever received. She insults me for about 2 sides of A4 explaining all the reasons she started to dislike me and after a few years how the feeling became so intense so couldn’t bear to be in a room with me. I’m self obsessed, sarcastic, think my own jokes are much funnier than they are and am cruel to my dh apparently .

But, it’s ok! She didn’t realise I’m autistic! Now she does she understands my behaviour and views me in a completely different light. She’s invited me out to lunch with her for a catch up. My life would probably be more simple if we were, if not friends, then just people who could rub along together. Dh thought the letter was hilariously awful but admitted it would be nice if we got on.

I don’t generally annoy people (I don’t think anyway). I do have pretty low self esteem though and I’m not sure I could sit through a lunch with her if she’s going to reiterate all her reasons for having not liked me. So, what would you do wise MN’ers? I’m still the same person she’s hated for years!

I think your draft response is perfect. But also for the future I’d try to keep in mind that for some people something like finding out their child is autistic is a major, life changing event which changes their personality. Having my DS, and some other stuff which happened around the same time, had a major impact on me and I’m a much better person than I used to be. It’s possible that this will be the case for her.

Wow! Go to lunch with her, be exceptionally rude, then blame your Autism

I've read the thread and I think your draft is 98% perfect. I would add after the point you make about how women often have low self esteem issues "and your offensive letter was not helpful in this regard".

Your note is clear and honest and there is no way that she could misinterpret the message that you're trying to make to her.

Best of luck!

If you haven't sent the email, I'd have a serious think about sending it. As other posters have said, it may burn your bridges.

Has your DH read her letter and your email? What's his take on them?

I much prefer this email from a PP * Hi

Thanks for the apology. No hard feelings. Let's move on.

I'm a bit too busy for lunch at the moment but am sure we'll see you at another event soon

OP*

1. don’t reply (blame your autism (BYA))

2. arrange to meet for lunch. Don’t turn up - BYA

3. send her original letter back to her husband - BYA

4. Channel your inner Michelle Obama (when they go low, you go high) and remain dignified. The moral high ground is a beautiful and warm place to be ☀️

Personally I’d keep the direct reference to her daughter out of it unless she references her diagnosis in her letter.

I haven’t sent the email yet. I think you’re all right - short and to the point is probably better and I don’t want her to have anything that could make me out to be the bad guy.

I do often rub people up the wrong way. I have assumed for years that it’s because I’m fairly argumentative and I have learnt to hold my tongue a lot more than I used to. Completely outing, but my twin brother is also autistic. We have pretty much exactly the same personality, when in a room we will very often say exactly the same thing at the same time and hold almost identical opinions on most things. For some reason ‘Hannah’ has always got on brilliantly with my brother on the few times they’ve met 🙄.

I’m not sure how I can go about being less self obsessed. I’m a very important person in my life. Also for the record, I very rarely tell jokes. Maybe she thought I was trying to pass off a normal pleasantry as a joke and that’s why it was unfunny? I do tend to giggle when I’m nervous and I did used to get slightly nervous around her as she so clearly hated me.

OP if I were in your situation I'd reply back and let her know I appreciate her going out of her way to apologise but I'm very busy and don't want to over commit.

(She's a twat and lacks even the most basic social skills)

Atleast then if you reply and let her know you appreciate the "apology" (if you can call it that) then you've done your bit and hopefully there will be no more awkward meets

Good luck. I think whatever you do she will have an opinion on. She sounds like such a bitch that needs to grow up.

I'd be the opposite in this case @SitOnMyHouse. I would have to send an email or letter back to her. Why should she get to vent her spleen for 2 A4 pages worth about how little she thought of you and you can't say anything at all back to her. You could send her this (which is your text but removes the bit about her daughters diagnosis):

Hi Hannah,

Thanks for sending me the letter. It’s good to know after all these years exactly why you were unable to tolerate being in a room with me. I found your letter incredibly hurtful - if you have done any research on autism you will know that women with autism very often struggle with low self esteem and constantly worry how people perceive them. Your letter did not help in that regard.

I’d be happy to see you in group situations (if you truly are able to overcome your aversion to being in the same room as me) but a one on one meeting would not work for me.

SitOnMyHouse

(I slightly tweaked the text but the essence of what you want to say to her is still there.)

I'd let her stew for a bit.

I think the various options are good tho but I'm a wuss & would dither.

I know my own (adhd) traits "get worse" when I'm not comfortable or can sense an atmosphere. Read a good book, which talked about personal triggers & realised a few people in my life do indeed cause me issues. I'd swerve her in future but I can see you might not be able to, difficult one.

You sound nice. Don't worry about your own personality just because this woman's a rude cow. I can't stand loads of people but I wouldn't send them letters detailing why (and if I did I would expect people to hate me).

You must of course do what you feel comfortable with but beware rolling over completely as you'll just internalise the bad feelings and anger that SHE has caused. Just saying you can't meet is fine. If you say 'no hard feelings' she is going to feel great - and you will feel terrible.

I think NeedssomeBottle gives excellent advice.

You don’t need to put up with this shit from her for your husband’s convenience . He’s a grown man and can see his BF without his wife tagging along .

I don't think she wants to meet up just to pick your brains about autism I think she's projecting. She's looked at her daughters future and doesn't want her treated badly by people (like her) and so needs to make amends with you as some kind of hoping the world will be a nice place to her daughter. She sounds awful and I wouldn't be going to lunch.

See, she could have simply said “I’ve misunderstood you, I hope we can move on from it.” The bit that bites for me is that she felt the need to decimate your character and pick apart your actions before generously saying that now she “understands” she wants to be besties. She makes it sounds like she’s benevolently doing charity work!

I like your email. If she can be honest, so can you - there is no need to be the bigger person here if you don’t want to. I think your email responds in the same manner as she communicated with you, and most importantly sets a boundary. Setting boundaries is important, especially with CF.

Please don’t over think her letter if you can. You are starting - from your last post - to take on board what’s saying. Just because she’s said x in a letter doesn’t make it true and also doesn’t mean that she is being truthful. She’s potentially totally rewriting history.

Why does your DH want you to get on?

Why does he still want to be friends with someone like her?

What’s tweaked version would work for me.

Your email is good.

Do you live in Cheshire? Is she Dawn Ward? She is always arranging lunches to ‘get things off her chest’ and insult people!

But seriously: as others have said, take the high road. I wouldn’t go to lunch with the cow. Write the ‘feck you’ email then delete it before sending.

ISleep that’s it, she’s worded it as though she’s willing to condescend to be friends with me despite all my failings. As I said, I’m perfectly happy with the friends I have. I don’t need to be a charity case.

I’m a fully functional adult with a good job, nice family, nice home. She makes me feel as though I’m disabled and need a caring friend to help me out of the house.

She has persuaded herself that it was your autistic traits that she didn't like. Clearly that's bullshit because she didn't react to your brother in the same way. The wordy non-apology apology letter is her way of proving to you that she had 'reasons' to not like you, instead of her just being a bitch.

I'd be thinking she's going to "befriend" you now, as you have...be a saint to her friends for her kindness and benevolence.

Does she know your brother is autistic too?