Is this just normal for people in their 50s?

[User74000007]

Just wondered if anyone has ever experienced this, or maybe it’s normal and I’m being unfair.

My parents are reasonably well off (relevant). Neither worked for a period in their forties and both now work two days a week, with my mum working from home. Both 55. They don’t need the money but I think it keeps things ticking over so they don’t eat into pension funds. Mortgage paid off and they have a couple of investment homes.

So for as long as I can remember my mum in particular has felt tired and stressed. Both parents seem to feel hard done by in that they will complain if they’ve only had one abroad holiday a year. Last year for instance they went to Asia for a two week holiday, then a few uk breaks as well, and spent circa 10k doing up the house (not needed, just to freshen it up).

If me or my siblings suggest meeting up or them coming over (we all work full time), then there is a big drama over how far they want to travel as they’re ‘nearly 60 now’ and we should come to them. If we suggest meeting for lunch they will frequently say they don’t want to spend money on eating out, they can’t afford it, don’t want to drive, one of them feels ill. There’s always some sort of issue going on and they’re never really fully happy, always comparing with what others have.

My siblings have expresssd to me that they keep secret where they go on holiday as they feel awkward talking about it/feel guilty in front of my parents. I too have felt this (though it’d been a while since I had a holiday!). Is this normal?

I also find it difficult that mum will happily drive hours to catch a flight or spend money in nice places with our dad but never wants to splash out with her children? Am I being too critical?

They’re not like this all the time. Often mum will comment they are lucky, but on a regular basis I will hear how stressful and too much their lives are and how they never get chance to do anything or go anywhere.

Hard to hear when you’re struggling working full time and probably always will, with no weekend breaks let alone one abroad for the last three years. Then there’s the guilt asking them to visit or meet as one of them is undoubtedly too tired or feels ill.

Is this just normal stuff for people their age? Am I being a shit daughter by questioning it? Please be brutal...

No, it’s not normal. They sound like a pair of co-dependent miserable prats.

They’ve probably always been the same, you’re just noticing it now because you’re older and your frame of reference has grown.

They can be lovely though. They’re not always like this...they both have own sets of friends etc but essentially where any of their kids are involved they suddenly act like this.

None of their friends would think any of the above - they’re happy and bubbly around them, I’ve seen it!

Not normal

Not normal.

Also each of us live around 45-60 miles away. They often ask us to move back (realistically can’t as we all work in cities)

I sort of get it. We're a bit younger than your parents & no kids but getting to the point where we can't be asked to do stuff we don't want to do.

Even though they don't have employed work, they sound fairly busy.

My family have rarely travelled to us, so get that bit too.

That said it doesn't sound like they are communicating with you that well. I would let them be a bit ( or maybe tackle it head-on, if I was in the mood.). But strengthen your ties with your siblings & ensure your parents are not always the linchpin for meetings.

Speaking as someone that age, no it's not normal. It's a great time with lots of freedom and enough money to enjoy it. However, it depends on character and it sounds like they have got themselves into a pattern of thinking. Do they have friends that are different? They must have. Personally I wouldn't indulge them. Tell them the way you feel like you did here, though maybe a bit less blunt.

Not normal.

Definitely not like the 55 year olds I know. Why are they acting so much older than their years?

They sound like hard work.

Not at all normal!

DH and I are in our 50s. DH has a high pressured City job. I start a new job with a lot of travel tommorrow. We still have one school age child.

It sounds like they just aren't interested in meeting up. Sadly.

I would organise family get together without them. Maybe then they will want to bother because they are "left out".

Yeah, the more I think about it, I'd reckon there is something going on...

Finding out what might be a challenge.

No, honestly, I think they sound a bit miserable. Are they generally unhappy and instead of admitting that, it comes out directed at you?

Some of it may just be miserly-ness. I know my mum will spend weeks researching flights, have two stopovers, just to save £200. She and my stepdad have an income that most of us can’t even imagine (stepdad’s Christmas bonus is about 3 years of my salary!!). It’s something to fixate on. I don’t really know.

But I know my mum has a weird sort of relationship with her friends. Like to their faces they are the best of friends. Behind their backs, she truly comes across like she hates them. She says they’re fat, lazy, mocks their relationships, is just terrible. I have no idea how she talks about me to them! I think a lot of it is just insecurity and maybe a bit of unhappiness but without being able to admit it. My MIL and her partner are a bit like this sometimes too. It’s because he’s controlling and miserable sand doesn’t want MIL to enjoy anything.

But no, it’s not normal. It sounds exhausting to be honest!

My parents are early 60's and will do anything to see the grandkids and us and and spend money on us all even though they are not particularly well off.

Not sure about normal - they just sound unhappy and deeply self-involved. It's hard as an adult to discover your parents are just not that into you but it sounds that way. They have grown tried of parental obligations.
Just leave them alone for a few months. Wait for them to get in touch. Be completely open about where you go on holdiay and if they whine, say you work full time and deserve a break. Or suggest they up their work days to 3 a week to raise the funds. But they are not your emotional responsibility so don't try and fix them. That's their job.

They are entitled and lazy. 55 is far from old and working two days a week is not going to make them knackered.

Not normal.

People in their 50s are at different stages of their lives too. I am 55 with young school aged children whereas some of my peers are childless and travel a lot and others are hands-on grandparents. Everybody is different.

They have friends with lots of money, more than they have probably, and they do compare a lot. Funnily enough, many of these friends don’t actually do a lot of stuff, they may do something lavish once a year and then that’s remembered by my parents for years to come.

They are forever saying they’re fed up of having to work. That’s been a theme for many years and one I find odd as all their wealthy friends have been in full time work even up to now. I also think it’s unhealrhy to not work in your fifties. My personal opinion!

It’s actually started making me worried that something is wrong with one of them!

My parents have always ‘lit up’ around their friends. They seem to see me and my siblings as extensions of themselves, there to make their lives easier, and requiring no effort or input.

It also sounds to me like your parents don’t want to get sucked in to the ‘grandparent as babysitter’ role, not that I’m suggesting you expect that of them. They’re doing the martyr act to look all helpless so you’ll ask nothing of them and make all the effort.

I wouldn’t bother, tbh.

Absolutely not normal. Poor you.
55 is not old.
Many people that age have children still at home and are busy looking after children and elderly parents.

No its not normal and although there are differences I picked up on many similarities between your parents and my own re the tiredness aspect and being almost expected to visit them. You are right to be questioning.

My parents for what its worth are unsupportive (particularly my mother) and her life still revolves mainly around holidays, shopping and fretting about my childfree adult brother. Its not my fault they are like this and they have not and will not change.

I know my mum resents I moved away with work. Not lived at home for 30 years, still moans about it.

Don't indulge them.

Me & dh have got used to our families & it rankles that we're not close. We describe it as "not abusive, just a little bit shit", I think there was a thread on here saying that phrase & it's stuck.

Your parents sound a bit old before their time to me - i’m nearly 50 and my partner nearly 55 so they are similar ages to us but they sound way older than we feel... we both work full time and do things just like we have always done

They’re not always like this but often are.

Last year my mum was miserable as they’d spent 10k on the house so that was their opportunity for a second holiday gone. This is the 10k they get annually from shares. I just said wait for the next 10k and then use it that time round for a holiday...

I do actually think it comes more from my dad. He’s so desperate to see everything and can be down about the fact he’s not done everything he wants to. I feel terrible when he says that but then have to remember that’s life for most people isn’t it?

Ha, ha, I think I'm in the "entitled & lazy" camp. Don't work much, always knackered!