Is this just normal for people in their 50s?

[User74000007]

Just wondered if anyone has ever experienced this, or maybe it’s normal and I’m being unfair.

My parents are reasonably well off (relevant). Neither worked for a period in their forties and both now work two days a week, with my mum working from home. Both 55. They don’t need the money but I think it keeps things ticking over so they don’t eat into pension funds. Mortgage paid off and they have a couple of investment homes.

So for as long as I can remember my mum in particular has felt tired and stressed. Both parents seem to feel hard done by in that they will complain if they’ve only had one abroad holiday a year. Last year for instance they went to Asia for a two week holiday, then a few uk breaks as well, and spent circa 10k doing up the house (not needed, just to freshen it up).

If me or my siblings suggest meeting up or them coming over (we all work full time), then there is a big drama over how far they want to travel as they’re ‘nearly 60 now’ and we should come to them. If we suggest meeting for lunch they will frequently say they don’t want to spend money on eating out, they can’t afford it, don’t want to drive, one of them feels ill. There’s always some sort of issue going on and they’re never really fully happy, always comparing with what others have.

My siblings have expresssd to me that they keep secret where they go on holiday as they feel awkward talking about it/feel guilty in front of my parents. I too have felt this (though it’d been a while since I had a holiday!). Is this normal?

I also find it difficult that mum will happily drive hours to catch a flight or spend money in nice places with our dad but never wants to splash out with her children? Am I being too critical?

They’re not like this all the time. Often mum will comment they are lucky, but on a regular basis I will hear how stressful and too much their lives are and how they never get chance to do anything or go anywhere.

Hard to hear when you’re struggling working full time and probably always will, with no weekend breaks let alone one abroad for the last three years. Then there’s the guilt asking them to visit or meet as one of them is undoubtedly too tired or feels ill.

Is this just normal stuff for people their age? Am I being a shit daughter by questioning it? Please be brutal...

I would go NC. They sound vile.

I’m 58 and don’t work due to poor health. As a result I’m on a fixed income (living off savings as not entitled to benefits) but I still travel 5 hours to DD and family as often as I can afford because although it’s bloody tiring it’s still easier for me then them to travel such a distance plus I love to spend time with them. I don’t go on holiday as can’t afford to but I am lucky to have savings to live on even though I’m worried how long they’ll last. My friends are all my age and above and are mainly retired and travel all over the place including to family. They all have a variety of health problems but still are active and mainly positive. My older brothers still works and the oldest who is 67 still goes climbing and on really strenuous activity breaks. Over Christmas most of my friends have done Xmas lunch for their family or travelled a distance to their adult children. One friend regularly provides childcare for her DGC as does one of my brothers. Generally the 50+ generation seem far younger and more active than in the past. My friends are interested in clothes, looking their best, learning new things, keeping as healthy as they can and fighting existing health conditions. It’s sad that your DPs have so much but maybe don’t appreciate it as much as they could and perhaps feel old before their time. 55 is just not old these days.

What is normal? To those that refer to George Clooney being 57, we could refer to Amal. How typically is she of a 40 year old? Having said that, we are older than your parent's and both work full time in full on roles.

Maybe they are unhappy together, but don’t want you to know that . They do sound chronically old before their time. I am their age and if I was in that position and happy in the relationship I would be laughing my head off and sharing the good fortune

They sound a bit like my mum. But she is 90.

They’re not really old before their time as they do go out and do things and do up houses etc. They just always seem stressed or tired if it means driving to see us or taking up an entire day at a weekend for us. Equally with money, they wouldn’t even want to spend 20 quid on the train to see us. It would just be seen as unnecessary cost to them.

I was just trying to work out if it’s usual for people their age to feel this way, and maybe I am being unfair in judging them for not wanting to come over or meet up every week even close to where they live.

It might just be their moany personalities then.

They might actually be stressed and tired if they are dealing with builders, etc.

You might be underestimating how much they're actually doing. Plus if you do that sort of thing, cashflow can be "interesting" and it takes a fair bit of mental effort.

You want to meet up every week? Lots of people on here do, but I've never seen my parents more often than every 6 weeks or so. My DM would get well annoyed if I was there more, she has stuff* to do. She's mid-80's...

• no clue what, just "busy".

Most people will be working to the state pension age of 68 ! It seems they have a very stress free life, no mortgage, savings, holidays, only work a couple of days a week, investments and I assume their health. It seems a little sad that they don't seem to want to spend time with their children. You cannot live their life for them. However, when they get older 80+ will they be asking you for help ? When they don't seem to be putting much effort into the relationship...

We maybe expect too much then. I figure a twenty minute drive when she never comes to my house isn’t really that much of an inconvenience. But I like to meet with people and go out for coffees and catch up. She’s entitled to feel differently snd maybe you’re right that she is too busy to fit it in.

I just don’t think a) we are a priority (maybe we shouldn’t expect to be as adults) and b) they can really be bothered when they have each other to do nice things with and chat to.

Maybe it comes down to that. I wouldn’t be mean to them if they needed us in future. I just find it sad that we can never have a day together or do something nice, yet they do that endlessly together.

They sounds selfish, miserable and out of touch with reality for most people (they are extremely fortunate to have worked so little but be so well off).

I agree that you and your siblings don't seem to be a priority for them now. I think you will need to come to terms with that as it is unlikely you will change them. I hope they don't start trying to make you and your siblings feel guilty when you have children of your own and are busier than you are now/ have other priorities.

I'm in my 50s.

My parents are age 76+ & travel 8 timezones to visit us once every year. Have done for 12 yrs, since Dad retired. They take cruise ship to come to us to avoid jetlag hell. They say the cost is hardly more than flying but much more comfortable (they play cardgames all day & feast like kings in evenings).

They spend maybe 5 days with us & up to 3 weeks with Italian relatives & 10-20 days on other trips in Europe... but to be fair, they come over almost every year which I appreciate is a lot at their age.

I'm going to sound like a really bitter old hag (maybe I am one) but I sadly realised that my parents weren't that interested in me or my kids when DC were very young. They lived nearby but rarely helped out, showed little interest in their development and were never financially generous even though they were very wealthy.
Now they are old and frail they expected me to down tools, give up work and be their carer. I said no, you weren't around for us so we had to get paid help. You'll need the same. My father was angry but he also knew it was true.

you sound switched on, not bitter @OneStep!
out of interest did your father explain why he felt justified in his expectations of you, even though he knew he was being unfair

I'm 54 and my partner is 55, and most of our friends are similarly aged. What you describe is not normal at all.

Blimey-first world problems. I’d ever so gently suggest to them to spend time with their family, count their blessings, occasionally switch the news on to compare their situation with the misery going on and think about helping out at their local food bank, church, charity shop or whatever....

Not normal!

Why does it cost them £10k for a holiday when (presumably) they are not limited to going away during the school hols?

I’m 54. Will be working full time until I’m 67. They don’t sound normal. I run, visit friends, run a house, look after 2 teenagers, etc etc. They sound older than they actually are.

They sound like my parents who are in their mid 70's and two more boring, negative, passive aggressive, self absorbed individuals you will not find elsewhere

The next couple of decades could well get a lot more miserable for you

I'm 56 and I find it a bit patronising that OP could ask 'is it normal for their age'. Selfish behaviour isn't normal for any age unless the people you are talking about are selfish and self-centred. I think that's your answer.

'We're nearly 60 now'??? Give me strength.

Why does it cost them £10k for a holiday when (presumably) they are not limited to going away during the school hols?

That's not an unusual amount if they have plenty of money if they like travelling to unusual destinations. Some cruises come close to that.

Yeah, what DogDay said. It’s just that they are tossers, nothing to do with their age. FFS.

I second @onestep- my mother additionally sent me to boarding school at 9, has made no effort to know me and visited my newborn once in the first 4 months. Zero effort from her as a parent and yet now expects me to ask how high when she says jump.
Interestingly she’s like your parents, OP, about her friends - constantly falling out or bitching about them / their houses / their holidays and criticising them yet also expecting them to dance around her. Listen carefully to your parents when they do this and be sure that they’ doing/ saying the same about you.

(Apologies, it seems I hallucinated you saying they criticised their wealthy friends for their choices)