Is this just normal for people in their 50s?

[User74000007]

Just wondered if anyone has ever experienced this, or maybe it’s normal and I’m being unfair.

My parents are reasonably well off (relevant). Neither worked for a period in their forties and both now work two days a week, with my mum working from home. Both 55. They don’t need the money but I think it keeps things ticking over so they don’t eat into pension funds. Mortgage paid off and they have a couple of investment homes.

So for as long as I can remember my mum in particular has felt tired and stressed. Both parents seem to feel hard done by in that they will complain if they’ve only had one abroad holiday a year. Last year for instance they went to Asia for a two week holiday, then a few uk breaks as well, and spent circa 10k doing up the house (not needed, just to freshen it up).

If me or my siblings suggest meeting up or them coming over (we all work full time), then there is a big drama over how far they want to travel as they’re ‘nearly 60 now’ and we should come to them. If we suggest meeting for lunch they will frequently say they don’t want to spend money on eating out, they can’t afford it, don’t want to drive, one of them feels ill. There’s always some sort of issue going on and they’re never really fully happy, always comparing with what others have.

My siblings have expresssd to me that they keep secret where they go on holiday as they feel awkward talking about it/feel guilty in front of my parents. I too have felt this (though it’d been a while since I had a holiday!). Is this normal?

I also find it difficult that mum will happily drive hours to catch a flight or spend money in nice places with our dad but never wants to splash out with her children? Am I being too critical?

They’re not like this all the time. Often mum will comment they are lucky, but on a regular basis I will hear how stressful and too much their lives are and how they never get chance to do anything or go anywhere.

Hard to hear when you’re struggling working full time and probably always will, with no weekend breaks let alone one abroad for the last three years. Then there’s the guilt asking them to visit or meet as one of them is undoubtedly too tired or feels ill.

Is this just normal stuff for people their age? Am I being a shit daughter by questioning it? Please be brutal...

Narcissistic?

No, it's not normal. Your DPs sound dreadful. Mean with time, love and money. I'd suggest you keep your distance. Don't make all the effort. People who love you don't behave like this.

Your parents sound utter miseries and I feel for you. You've mentioned a few times being worried for them, not to be harsh but I wouldn't worry too much, they sound like they'll take care of themselves before they start worrying about you.

Wow, they’re only 6 years older than me but sound like a different generation!
I would just back off from them, OP. Let them do the running for a while. If they don’t bother, you know where you stand.

I am sorry for you and I hope you can move on and put them out of your mind as much as you can. My Mum was similar and a total pain about penny-pinching, totally took pleasure out of café and shopping trips etc. Now I am in my 50's (working, still have a primary child, not a total misery, your parents' age is completely irrelevant ) I sometimes have the desire to comment on the cost of something and I firmly bite my tongue - life is for living, not being a miserable, tea bag re-using miser. The fakeness of your Mum re her friends is also a sign of a very unpleasant personality and it sounds like as a couple they enable each other in bad, miserable and narcissistic behaviour.

Apart from the not-working, my DPs went through something similar. DF transferred to work abroad when he was 51 and suddenly they were socialising with people with loads of money, so were always comparing themselves unfavourably. He told us when he left UK that he wasn't planning on coming back during the 3-4 years out there, so we would have to travel to them. And we did, and it was awful.

As it turned out we had our first two DC during that time and they did come back loads, but when they did they would stay with us but go out to eat with friends and never us; DM refused to come back when I desperately needed her just for a bit to help with potty training (she couldn't possibly miss her art class ), and she was 48 then.

They also went on 3-4 holidays a year then moaned like mad when we got a cheap deal to Kenya because "they'd never been there". It was a crazy time. Unfortunately my DF died unexpectedly at 62. They'd been back in the UK 7 years by then and were still acting the same way, so we left a lot of stuff unresolved (and it still eats me now).

In contrast I am 55 and DH 58. We both work FT and have a preteen. I do get fed up with being expected to pay for adult children and DM when we go out, so I get where yours are coming from there. I got roped into babysitting on my one evening off every week for a bit and had to knock that on the end as it was exhausting, and don't underestimate how much the menopause can't affect your mood/tiredness/health.

Its not unfeasible that there are some health issues going on they haven't told you. The only way to know is to ask. It sounds as though they may not 100% agree on how to spend their retirement. Retirement is mindset. DM is just finishing a degree aged 71. DP has loads of hobbies. I love their attitude and independence. DP lives further away and doesn't want to travel as much. I feel you may have to stand up for yourself against the guilt tripping and protect yourself against their negative mindsets.

I think it's an issue of attitude. Your dad's in his 50s, he could spend the next 30+ years on complaining about what he's missed out on, or he could actually spend that annual 10k on doing stuff! Like they could visit 10 countries a year on that. Working 2 days a week he could write a masterpiece novel or play. So much opportunity!

Suspect they're comfortable/set in their ways and complaining as an excuse not to actually do much. Which is probably just going to make them more grumpy!!