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Original poster

Is this just normal for people in their 50s?

158 replies

User74000007 · 13/01/2019 09:37

Just wondered if anyone has ever experienced this, or maybe it’s normal and I’m being unfair.

My parents are reasonably well off (relevant). Neither worked for a period in their forties and both now work two days a week, with my mum working from home. Both 55. They don’t need the money but I think it keeps things ticking over so they don’t eat into pension funds. Mortgage paid off and they have a couple of investment homes.

So for as long as I can remember my mum in particular has felt tired and stressed. Both parents seem to feel hard done by in that they will complain if they’ve only had one abroad holiday a year. Last year for instance they went to Asia for a two week holiday, then a few uk breaks as well, and spent circa 10k doing up the house (not needed, just to freshen it up).

If me or my siblings suggest meeting up or them coming over (we all work full time), then there is a big drama over how far they want to travel as they’re ‘nearly 60 now’ and we should come to them. If we suggest meeting for lunch they will frequently say they don’t want to spend money on eating out, they can’t afford it, don’t want to drive, one of them feels ill. There’s always some sort of issue going on and they’re never really fully happy, always comparing with what others have.

My siblings have expresssd to me that they keep secret where they go on holiday as they feel awkward talking about it/feel guilty in front of my parents. I too have felt this (though it’d been a while since I had a holiday!). Is this normal?

I also find it difficult that mum will happily drive hours to catch a flight or spend money in nice places with our dad but never wants to splash out with her children? Am I being too critical?

They’re not like this all the time. Often mum will comment they are lucky, but on a regular basis I will hear how stressful and too much their lives are and how they never get chance to do anything or go anywhere.

Hard to hear when you’re struggling working full time and probably always will, with no weekend breaks let alone one abroad for the last three years. Then there’s the guilt asking them to visit or meet as one of them is undoubtedly too tired or feels ill.

Is this just normal stuff for people their age? Am I being a shit daughter by questioning it? Please be brutal...

OP posts:
Original poster
User74000007 · 13/01/2019 10:27

I think they have definitely always been like it and I am just seeing it now as an adult.

Only dad worked in their forties and it was part time. that seems crazy to me now...I don’t know anyone who has or can do that. Or would even want to.

They do not have marital problems. Neither wants to do anything without the other really, especially if it involves us, ie their kids.

OP posts:
Iwantdaffodils · 13/01/2019 10:28

I don't know anybody like this. I don't know anyone well-off enough to stop work like that in their forties and fifties, and I don't know any grandparents who aren't giving a lot of time, and those who have it, money, to their children and grandchildren.
People in their fifties are normally busy working.
Several different friends ten years older than your parents travel for hours every week to look after grandchildren who live quite far away, even though it's very tiring. And of course these people all worked till sixty or mid-sixties. That's what's normal in my world.

bibbitybobbityyhat · 13/01/2019 10:28

Are you kidding? Me and my husband are in our mid 50s. We both work (him long hours, me 20 hours although would love to do more) and have two school age kids living at home. I only know 1 person of my age who has retired and that was because he got made redundant from an academic job so he still earns money by teaching. My husband goes to the gym and I cycle or walk everywhere and go to 2 exercise classes a week. 3 of our 4 parents are still alive! Your parents are acting more like 75 than 55!

Strugglingtodomybest · 13/01/2019 10:29

I don't think this is normal, they sound old before their time. And unfortunately it sounds like they aren't prepared to make the effort to visit you.

My parents told me that it was my 'duty to bring the grandchildren to the grandparents' so maybe your parents think this too? Personally I think it's a load of crap.

bringbacksideburns · 13/01/2019 10:29

Odd.

I'm 50 and my DH is 55. We are working our arses off. I feel exhausted and stressed a lot. We have two teens and I feel guilty that we can't afford to give them driving lessons and Cars and do stuff with them at the moment that others seem to be able to do. I genuinely feel the worse off financially of everyone I know.

You say they didn't have to work much in their forties either. Did they inherit or just have amazing jobs when they were younger?

If we are lucky the mortgage will be paid off in 8 years.
Your parents sound spoilt and I'm damn sure if i was in their position I'd be helping you out with holiday spending or little treats if I could well afford it and not just spending it all on myself.

AuntyJackiesBrothersSistersBoy · 13/01/2019 10:29

Oh, and I’m in my 50’s. Worked hard for 26 yrs as a nurse in the nhs. Never really had much money but do get by. Still have a mortgage. Not had a holiday for two years. No investments.

HazelBite · 13/01/2019 10:29

I was just getting my second wind at 55. Kids more independant, career finally progressing after years of putting family first and a little more disposable income.
They sound like they have got in a rut, it sounds like they are very self involved and take no joy in their fortunate position.
Both DH and I are in our mid 60's and have never thought twice about travelling a couple of hours to help Ds and DIL out with their Dc's when asked.
Your 50's is usually that time you can pursue that interest/hobby you've always wanted to do as "family duties" are not so all consuming and you can look forward to having more choice over how you spend your time.
I think they are far too young to be only working part time, this (in my experience) is something people do in their 60's working up to retirement.
perhaps point out to them, very gently, that they (and their friends) are
really in a very fortunate postion compared to many of their age and even older.

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 13/01/2019 10:31

Is this just normal stuff for people their age?

"Their age?" 55?? I'm that age and there's no "that age" about it, ffs.

They may have issues, but please don't put it down to such a lazy stereotype.

Petalflowers · 13/01/2019 10:31

Maybe they are depressed. Also, they may have seen their parents retire at sixty and live an affluent retirement, and be worried that they won’t be able,to,do the same.

Toonly work a few days a week, and being able to afford lavish holidays in their 50s is very unusual in itself. They are obviously quite well off.

Maybe they afford the big holiday from their annual payout, but if they only work a few days week, struggle with money on a day to day basis, hence the misery and unwillingness to travel and to spend money.

Petalflowers · 13/01/2019 10:32

Sorry, i’ve Just realised I have contraficted myself, one minute saying they are wealthy, and the next saying they are not!

Original poster
User74000007 · 13/01/2019 10:33

What’s been the biggest problem for me is this:

I’ve often offered to travel to see my mum around an hour drive for me (30 miles) and 9 miles for her. We go to a little cafe (very cheap but it’s nice!) and have a chat. She is unable to actually schedule this in with me so I can organise my weekends. When I’ve got upset over this she says she is very busy and her and my dad want the freedom to go wherever they want at short notice. It seems like a small thing I guess and it’s not the end of the world for me to be flexible about it, but it would be nice just once if she came to where I live or actually put our meet up in her diary.

Incidentally she’s never once been to my house on her own since I moved in 4 years ago. Together they have been twice.

OP posts:
Original poster
User74000007 · 13/01/2019 10:34

petalflowers that’s it! That is actually what it is.

They don’t want to work so have to live off the shares and income they have to do nice things. That obviously has its limits. The older they get the less they want to work and the more acceptable that approach is.

OP posts:
Youbrokemytwatometer · 13/01/2019 10:35

Are you the poster who didn't get any of the £130k inheritance?

woollyheart · 13/01/2019 10:37

Don't they have elderly parents to look after? Most people in their 50s that I know have full time jobs, and are splitting spare time between grandchildren and aged parents. Most people in this age group travel a huge amount visiting and helping family. If anything, this travel ramps up in your 60s when you start to have more time.

If they don't have any responsibilities like this, it sounds like they have too much time for dwelling on things they might be missing out on.

And sadly, it sounds like you aren't too high on their list of priorities. Let them get on with it- at some point they may realise that they haven't seen their children or grandchildren for a while. Probably it will be after a friend has mentioned what a lovely time they have with their family.

CountFosco · 13/01/2019 10:39

That should read...

But there are older people who aren't on the final salary scheme who work FT and are still thinking about developing their career. The comparison is bizarre.

FWIW my MIL is in her 80s and when she was widowed she told us she'd be able to help us more with childcare! She has an old persons railcard and regularly travels several hundred miles to see us. It makes sense, it's easier for us to accommodate one extra than her have to accommodate all of us.

Original poster
User74000007 · 13/01/2019 10:39

woolley no they have nobody to look after, though one is in a home so they do visit.

OP posts:
Stormy76 · 13/01/2019 10:39

They sound really spoilt and ungrateful, they have a good life by anyone’s standards and still are not happy. Perhaps instead of biting your tongue when they are drowning on about how unfair life is ......you should point out all the things that you have told us. Veryself involved and selfish.

Mrskeats · 13/01/2019 10:40

Absolutely not normal
I’m 52 and my husband is 54
Both work full time and have 4 kids between us. Plenty of energy for hobbies, socialising etc.

Mrskeats · 13/01/2019 10:41

Wait. Your mother hasn’t been to your house for 4 years? Confused

Original poster
User74000007 · 13/01/2019 10:42

Yes she’s been twice with my dad. She says she doesn’t have time to come over just her at the weekend.

OP posts:
thebabessavedme · 13/01/2019 10:42

blimey! im 56, i dont even think of myself as 'middle-aged' - im just getting into my stride!

i reckon they are just 'glass half-empty' people, they have their health and the ability to earn but prefer not to, they compare themselves with richer friends and get pissed off - tough, some people will always be richer, better looking, etc etc, just get on with your life! as for you op, i would distance myself a bit, their attitude can be catching! and if they regard themselves as old now you could find yourself being blackmailed into caring for them for the 30 bloody years!

merrymouse · 13/01/2019 10:42

Did they inherit a lot of money?

It sounds as though their behaviour doesn’t have much to do with their age.

Missingstreetlife · 13/01/2019 10:43

Let them get on with it. Live your own life.

Stormy76 · 13/01/2019 10:43

They are out of touch with real life, I do t know how you all have kept quiet all this time....maybe it’s time for a sit down chat with you, your siblings and parents....being in your fifties does not mean you get to stop being a caring parent. DH and I are in our 40’s and we both work full time, we were talking the other day about a big family holiday ....our dc are older and all we would ask is for them to pay for is their flights.......and bring spends.

BlueBinDay · 13/01/2019 10:43

He’s so desperate to see everything and can be down about the fact he’s not done everything he wants to

I'm in my 60s and sometimes feel a little bit like that. Just about things that I've missed out on because of duty and responsibilities.
However, it's not very often, and always just a passing thought - but I would NEVER say it to my children. I don't want them to feel sad on my behalf.