Is this just normal for people in their 50s?

[User74000007]

Just wondered if anyone has ever experienced this, or maybe it’s normal and I’m being unfair.

My parents are reasonably well off (relevant). Neither worked for a period in their forties and both now work two days a week, with my mum working from home. Both 55. They don’t need the money but I think it keeps things ticking over so they don’t eat into pension funds. Mortgage paid off and they have a couple of investment homes.

So for as long as I can remember my mum in particular has felt tired and stressed. Both parents seem to feel hard done by in that they will complain if they’ve only had one abroad holiday a year. Last year for instance they went to Asia for a two week holiday, then a few uk breaks as well, and spent circa 10k doing up the house (not needed, just to freshen it up).

If me or my siblings suggest meeting up or them coming over (we all work full time), then there is a big drama over how far they want to travel as they’re ‘nearly 60 now’ and we should come to them. If we suggest meeting for lunch they will frequently say they don’t want to spend money on eating out, they can’t afford it, don’t want to drive, one of them feels ill. There’s always some sort of issue going on and they’re never really fully happy, always comparing with what others have.

My siblings have expresssd to me that they keep secret where they go on holiday as they feel awkward talking about it/feel guilty in front of my parents. I too have felt this (though it’d been a while since I had a holiday!). Is this normal?

I also find it difficult that mum will happily drive hours to catch a flight or spend money in nice places with our dad but never wants to splash out with her children? Am I being too critical?

They’re not like this all the time. Often mum will comment they are lucky, but on a regular basis I will hear how stressful and too much their lives are and how they never get chance to do anything or go anywhere.

Hard to hear when you’re struggling working full time and probably always will, with no weekend breaks let alone one abroad for the last three years. Then there’s the guilt asking them to visit or meet as one of them is undoubtedly too tired or feels ill.

Is this just normal stuff for people their age? Am I being a shit daughter by questioning it? Please be brutal...

They sound like miserable, selfish people, to be honest.

55 isn’t old. Almost everyone I know of that age still works full time!

The biggest issue seems to be their attitude towards their own children, though. They don’t sound very loving.

They’re not always miserable, in fact they’d say they were very happy together. They just have these ideas and plans and fixate on their own schedule.

I have no idea how they have money or where it is from. It’s always been very private and I don’t know what their actual income is overall except for the 10k yearly.

She only works 2 days a week though so it can’t be about time.

bluebin I feel bad for them regularly. Less so recently but my dad will often say he doesn’t have long left and he hasn’t had the opportunities me and siblings have. Strange because none of us have anything like the luxury they had at our age.

But I feel bad for him because he’s my dad.

I’ve often offered to travel to see my mum around an hour drive for me (30 miles) and 9 miles for her. We go to a little cafe (very cheap but it’s nice!) and have a chat. She is unable to actually schedule this in with me so I can organise my weekends. When I’ve got upset over this she says she is very busy and her and my dad want the freedom to go wherever they want at short notice. It seems like a small thing I guess and it’s not the end of the world for me to be flexible about it, but it would be nice just once if she came to where I live or actually put our meet up in her diary. Incidentally she’s never once been to my house on her own since I moved in 4 years ago. Together they have been twice.

I think this is awful, sorry. I would feel dreadfully hurt. My DC have very busy lives and even though I work FT I try to schedule myself around them and to be honest, seeing them is my priority. I have lovely friends but I have been known to cancel arrangements with them if one of the DC needs me (they don't take the piss)

They don't sound like very nice people. I think a PP wrote about the type of parents who see it as their role to raise DC and then forget about them until they need care. Maybe your parents are in that category?

I’m not sure cuppy

They simply say this is their time now and they don’t want to be tied down.

It’s difficukt because obviously it’s not a big deal to cancel a catch up like that at short notice. And we do meet. It’s just that I KNOW I am fitted in rather than prioritised and sometimes mum just simply says she’s too tired to do the 20 min drive.

My mum is very wealthy. Owns two properties in a very expensive, desirable area in central London. She lives in part of one of the houses and rents the rest out, earning £120k a year (mortgage free)

She lives very frugally, using tea bags three times and eats food well past its sell-by date (for example)

I asked if I could borrow £1k for my boiler than had broken down (we were on holiday while it happened, so had £1.5k in savings to cover the boiler but needed the rest)

She wouldn’t lend me the money, saying (and I quote) “she was down to her last £31k in her account”

I can’t imagine being the same when I’m older, but I’ve learnt a lot. I always need a bigger cash cushion myself so I don’t have to degrade myself by asking for help. I’ve applied for a credit card so I have emergency funds for if that happens again (boiler has a warranty this time!)

I’ve got to learn to accept her for how she is. It’s her money, she can choose to do with it what she wants. I should have been more prepared for our home issues as an adult. She’s taught me to be self sufficient but when she’s buying expensive Fortnham and Mason hampers for Christmas for herself and she says she’s too poor to lend me money when we have not hot water or heating (her only grandchildren, one being a baby) I just don’t get it.

I have to disconnect myself from it all, and at least all the money she’s saving can help with her care when she needs it.

Sorry for the hijack. In summary, what I’ve learnt is, you can’t force your parents to be something they’re not. Yours don’t want to travel to see you, seem quite selfish and self absorbed and miserable. In an ideal world we’d all get on with our families like a house on family but that’s seldom the case. They have issues (my mum had a terrible upbringing and was unliked by her father) so I have to aknowledge she’s doing the best she can. I’d just cut-off a bit from them if I were you OP and focus on your own life and the family you form yourself x

It's not normal. But they've put themselves in this position by stopping work in their 40s for some time, then going back for 2 days a week each. If they wanted to do more and see more, they should have worked more hours more years than they have ... they still could have stopped sometime in their mid to late 50s.

So he's whining they're partially retired and cant' have 'more'. Nice.

And acting older than they are on top of it. Really nice.

I'd probably simply tell them they're the oldest 50 somethings I know and they're doing it to themselves. You're sad for them.

(They're essentially living like some people with trust funds or potential inheritances they're waiting for do: as little as possible to get by until they get the money. And whining that they don't have it all now. Not a healthy way to live, frankly.)

I'm in my 50s (just) and DH is in his 60s. We have two primary aged DCs and we live our lives with no expectatIon family will dance attendance. We both work though both part time ATM. We travel a fair bit but some of that is to see family rather than obligatory fancy foreign holidays.
Not normal, therefore, no, and not an age thing.

My mum is in her 50's and has only ever worked 9am-1pm. She has now shortened that to 4 days a week. She is constantly stressed and exhausted and tells me how busy she is. I think it's a lack of perspective on her part really, she has lived and worked in same small town all her life. She once told us she had a really busy day because she had to go to the hairdressers and then to the supermarket and to the vet all in the same day.

She also lives like shes on a ration card, if we were all visiting (6 adults and a hungry child) she would open one packet of bacon. Yet they too go on 3 expensive holidays a year! Not the life for me but each to their own.

They sound like my folks though they are 10 years ish older. Frankly they sound spoilt and dont realise how lucky they were not to have to work full time. My folks had virtual live in childcare when I was young, never ever had to think about babysitters as we would be dropped off with the GP's so they just dont understand not being able to do the same. Also like yours will go for weeks on holidays even if it means missing birthdays Christmas ..today is DS's birthday and he hasn't even had a card as they are out of the country.

When I was expecting DS Mum told me not to expect her to visit during the week when he was born as she didnat have any holidays left...as she had booked a 6 week away with friends.

Like other posters have said it all boils down to your folks being very very selfish and not having a clue just how lucky they are. OH and I are in our 50's and still like most people have to work

What were their parents like when they were that age? I wonder if your parents were expected to do all the running once they were adults. Not everyone is emotionally literate to know otherwise (see a lot of mn posts) so I wonder if they think thats a normal relationship with adult dcs.

too tired to do the 20 min drive.
TBH I sometimes feel like this but it's due to having two demanding DCs and a job, and I often travel for work too so I may FEEL like this but I wouldn't cancel because of it!

Sounds like they just don't want to have to answer to anyone I would just humour them and leave them to it
I'm in my 50s by the way and I don't work very much, I love having all my time to myself to do exactly what I like, I would definitely block anything that threatened my self-indulgent lifestyle

This is not at all normal and I agree that it sounds as though they are withdrawing from their parenting roles to focus on other things, travel mainly by the sounds of it. It must be painful for you as you’re looking for a more family/grandchildren focused attitude from them, but I think you have to accept that’s not on the cards from them, for whatever reason. We’re they ever more involved with the grandchildren?

My partner and I are mid 50s. He runs his own company which involves long hours, I work three days a week which I enjoy. I am very knackered but this is purely due to menopause symptoms (hot flushes wake me several times a night). There’s no option but to keep on going and make the most of life despite the tiredness, otherwise life would be miserable - I know I’m very fortunate not to have to work full time.

We’re very fortunate that we now have the money and time (planned around the business) to travel, which we love. However we make time to see our kids and our elderly parents, most of whom live more than 50 miles away from us. It’s only 1.5 hours for goodness sake!

I think they must always have had slightly “alternative” approach if they didn’t work in their 40s, which is very unusual.

They sound lazy, spoiled, entitled, old before their time, hard work and the kind of people who just suck the life out of you. Be glad you live far enough away to have a bit of distance between you!

That’s the thing though, they can be great fun. They’re not horrible people and you can really have a laugh with them.

I just struggle with the stress, lack of money, exhaustion comments that they raise. I can’t identify with it. It’s not regularly but often and when mum cancels a 9 mile trip to see me which I then feel guilty about if I haven’t gone all the way to see her or haven’t re arranged my plans the following week at short for her. I just feel like I can never do the right thing and even feel guilty posting about this tbh

*short notice

They sound like they are 55 going on 70. I'm the same age as them later this year and to me they are old age pensioners in terms of attitude whereas I am bringing up DCs still and work but in a job that gives me time for my adult and teenage children.

You sound very different to them, it's like that with me and my parents - my youngest DC commented yesterday that it's hard to believe they are my parents as we have a completely different ethos. I took that as a compliment

You shouldn’t, they should be feeling bad but they won’t because you haven’t spoken to them and told them how you feel. It’s fine for parents to live their own lives but they will always be parents and you will always need them.......parenting doesn’t stop at 50 it’s for life. You need to communicate with them, you will feel better once you do

they are gradually working on you bit by bit
working towards the time in 20 years or so where they can have you completely wrapped around their little fingers running around and tending to their every whim

Run for the hills now or you will be forever enslaved by the oldies

I am not as old as your parents, and have adult children. I am not saying this is the case with you by the way but do you often complain about money etc? If so, could they be trying to 'train' you into not spending money on meals out etc?
They sound terribly selfish.

Is parenting really for life though?
do you still have a duty of care to your adult children?
forever?

My parents are mid 60s and don't seem "old" I think of them as more like middle aged. They're probably in a similar financial position to yours as well, they don't have to worry about money. However they prioritise myself and my siblings because they want to see us and spend time with us and to be honest enjoy that more than it just being the two of them. My dad works full time.

To be that insular and miserable in your fifties and moaning about having to work two days a week isn't normal. Don't try and work it out OP just accept them for who they are and let them get on with it. Maybe they're the type of people who resent having children, I know a close family member of mine thinks her adult son should fund her lifestyle now because she "paid to bring him up". Some people have strange values.

Maybe rebecca although all of us are financially independent. I don’t think it’s that.

I’m not too bothered about the lack of spending money on nice things with us (if they want to reserve that on meals they have together and save the cheaper places/experiences for us then I get that). It’s more that there’s never just a day mum would come over on her own just for a mother daughter day. It just wouldn’t happen. Closest we get is a cup of tea together which is fitted in and the bottom of her list of priorities.

Basically I think I need to get over it and leave them to it. They’re happy together so that’s what matters. I need to not take it personally!