Is this just normal for people in their 50s?

[User74000007]

Just wondered if anyone has ever experienced this, or maybe it’s normal and I’m being unfair.

My parents are reasonably well off (relevant). Neither worked for a period in their forties and both now work two days a week, with my mum working from home. Both 55. They don’t need the money but I think it keeps things ticking over so they don’t eat into pension funds. Mortgage paid off and they have a couple of investment homes.

So for as long as I can remember my mum in particular has felt tired and stressed. Both parents seem to feel hard done by in that they will complain if they’ve only had one abroad holiday a year. Last year for instance they went to Asia for a two week holiday, then a few uk breaks as well, and spent circa 10k doing up the house (not needed, just to freshen it up).

If me or my siblings suggest meeting up or them coming over (we all work full time), then there is a big drama over how far they want to travel as they’re ‘nearly 60 now’ and we should come to them. If we suggest meeting for lunch they will frequently say they don’t want to spend money on eating out, they can’t afford it, don’t want to drive, one of them feels ill. There’s always some sort of issue going on and they’re never really fully happy, always comparing with what others have.

My siblings have expresssd to me that they keep secret where they go on holiday as they feel awkward talking about it/feel guilty in front of my parents. I too have felt this (though it’d been a while since I had a holiday!). Is this normal?

I also find it difficult that mum will happily drive hours to catch a flight or spend money in nice places with our dad but never wants to splash out with her children? Am I being too critical?

They’re not like this all the time. Often mum will comment they are lucky, but on a regular basis I will hear how stressful and too much their lives are and how they never get chance to do anything or go anywhere.

Hard to hear when you’re struggling working full time and probably always will, with no weekend breaks let alone one abroad for the last three years. Then there’s the guilt asking them to visit or meet as one of them is undoubtedly too tired or feels ill.

Is this just normal stuff for people their age? Am I being a shit daughter by questioning it? Please be brutal...

Maybe they are asset rich and cash poor.

I would say, 'mam, i would like to meet you on the first Tuesday of every month in that cafe for tea and a scone, i want to spend time with you. I will pay if that is a problem' then go anyway, whether she turns up or not and there is no more you can do then. Wash your hands of her excuses. Be there and enjoy your tea alone if your mother cant meet you.

Then i would say to both of them that they are very well off, and should consider getting financial advice as they dont have any cash flow, despite being wealthy landlords.

I think what’s frustrating particularly for one sibling who works all hours, is that when they say they’ve only had one holiday this year, you feel like saying ‘well just work a bit more?’

That’s been said many years ago and was met with all sorts of drama like they never had our opportunities and how rude it was for us to say that after all they have given us (they’ve given us a lot).

So it’s difficult. Mostly it’s hard to identify with. I wouldn’t expect to go on a holiday if I didn’t work for example.

3lucky if I did that she would probably forget or cancel last minute and it would just hurt me more. I’m not sure if that would work. I would love that though, it would be so much nicer to look forward to a planned day rather than all the arranging and re arranging that goes on!

Just one thought, they may not be as healthy as you think - they could be hiding poor health from you. I know that my Dad went through health concerns in his 50s but didn't mention it until many years later and still hasn't shared the details. Wanting the ability to do things "at short notice" might translate to wanting to do things "when they have the energy, when they are having a good day".

I used to be annoyed by my parents ability to drive 2hrs to get to an airport for a holiday, or 6hrs within the UK for a holiday; but seemingly unable to drive 3hs in the UK to visit us. Then I realised that visiting us was not restful (we have a disabled son) and they would also try to do the journey here and back in one day. When they go on holiday, they have a long rest before the drive home, so time to recuperate..

@Picasso that sounds very difficult!
how does the adult son feel about funding his mother's life style?
Does he try to explain to her that this isn't really fair?

We are only a year or two younger than your parents with two secondary school age children, both working and visiting/semi caring for ageing parents in late 70’s/80’s.
This isn’t normal for whatever reasons your parents are self centred and aren’t that into spending time with you or your DC and don’t want to spend/waste money to eat out or go out of their way to be in your company for whatever reason.
Mind you when I had DC late in life my parents would be older than yours, lived closer to us, weren’t working and didn’t go out or want to travel to see us it was always my/us visiting them.
I know as you get older you sometimes want to go out less at night and the world can sometimes become a smaller place in some ways. But this doesn’t seem to fit with your parents as they still holiday to far flung places. Do what another poster says and organise family get togethers without them.

I don’t want to be cruel though. I don’t want to be mean to them because I am hurt by them. They do lots of nice things.

I am concerned something else is going on that they haven’t told me. Although they’ve always behaved like this, they are also not bothering to be in contact as much either recently .

I don’t know how to even address that with them. I’d hope they wouldn’t hide things but who knows.

I am actually worried now. She said she wasn’t well but then that’s not unusual... argh stress!

Just do the cafe thing every month, turn up. If she keeps cancelling, then just go yourself. Yes it is hurtful, but it might help you put any feelings of trying to make arrangements to spend time with her, away from you for good.

Have you seen the Merowitz film with Adam Sandler, it is on Netflix and worth watching. The parents are well able to prioritise other people, but are full of excuses for their son. Its a good film.

Good luck.

Yeah, don't take it personally. You probably can't change it and it won't get better.

My in-laws are really "coupley" and their routine has only got more so. We drove for hours to see them a few months ago and didn't even get a biscuit with our cup of tea. My poor DH is really bereft and he's the age of your parents.

Definitely sort out seeing your siblings, I'm not close to mine and it's not helpful.

Right, back off to my life of lazy entitlement. One thought tho, I hate committing to definite times and dates, so I'm always vague, it turns out I do have some issues. Doesn't mean you're bottom of their list, it just means they don't quite get how that makes you feel. :-)

That film is called The meyerowitz stories

They just sound a bit loopy.

A think a lot of people need a reality check.

My husband is 54 and works full time, as do most people we know that age. We have young children so won't be retiring anytime soon and as for doing fun stuff we enjoy, we'll there is never anytime and very little left over anyway.

I know that by the time I retire I would be just grateful to have my health and time to relax.

My suggestion for people like this would be to do some volunteering - maybe coming into daily contact with the needs of others and feeli g useful might put things into perspective.. Could you suggest it?

Some people are just very self absorbed and it sounds like that's the case with them. I'd back off and stop asking them to make any arrangements at all. Maybe that will dawn on then after a while. They've conditioned you to think you should be worried about them and centred on their wants and needs all the time. That's what you need to work on changing in yourself.

Care less.

You don't understand why they are like this and you cannot make them do things any differently so you need to care less. Stop trying to arrange meet ups with your Mum and let some of the effort come from her. If nothing is forthcoming then you know where you stand.

Next time she says how tired she is, make a point of saying to her I hope it's not hereditary. There's no way I will be able to care for you and Dad if you need it.....

Some middle aged people, once they are free of responsibilities, regress back to being teenagers again. Most of what you described here is classic teenage behavior: unpredictable moods, feeling hard done by, lazy, entitled, unable to commit to future plans.

Maybe it would help you deal with them if you think of them not as grown adults but as a couple of annoying teenagers.

Sorry but your parents are only in their fifties, only now work two day a week with a period of not working in their 40s, yet have pension provision and acquired a couple of rental properties in addition to a 'family' home which is mortgage free. They can only manage one long haul holiday a year. I find it quite sickening when you tell me they find reason to complain.

They are tiresome and self-involved.

Your parents are very lucky to be where they are financially and work-wise in their mid-fifties. Most are still working their socks off at that age to try and get to the retirement winning post. We are at your parents’ stage financially but we’re retired and in our mid/late 60s. I think if we’d been at their stage in our 50s it might have felt a bit like too much too soon - and maybe there’s a bit of that with your parents. The longer you work for something, the more you appreciate it when you get it. It sounds as though they aren’t really committed to anything, by which I mean something that absolutely makes you get up in the morning and that to my mind is a symptom of having eased off too soon.

I’m 58, live alone and work full time. I’m fortunate to be mortgage free but will be working till state pension age and am perfectly happy about that. At Christmas I drove to Manchester, Scotland and Yorkshire to see my grown up kids (I live in the south) because it was easier for me to travel than them.

You can’t change them so don’t even try.

There's a couple of issues here tho.

One is that they're not parenting how their child would like and the other is that their life, tho seemingly great, doesn't satisfy them.

Neither you can really fix, tho you can highlight what you need for the first issue and maybe point out the cognitive dissonance with the second.

However, it's all a bit like the "why does my partner do x...", you can analyse it to death and it doesn't fix anything. People do what makes sense in their own heads, not what seems reasonable to others.

Ask if they're ok, ask to meet up, then leave them to it.

Not really sure what to think of how they are.

You have mentioned money quite a few times here.

Do you and your siblings expect them to pay for everything when you do get together?

When was the last time you have taken your parents out for lunch and paid for it?

You said they have given you a lot Maybe they feel used in that you are more interested in seeing them open their wallet for you than to actually visit with them?

I may be completely wrong of course but you have mentioned money a lot here.

I'm also in my 50s but I do work full time but I ended built in babysitter and bank of mum a long time ago.

I love my grands dearly but it went something like, I would go over to spend time with them and then 10 minutes after I got there, my DD would be off saying she needed to do something and then she wouldn't show back up until nearly midnight. And it happened more than once.

Seriously!! Too tried to drive 9 miles to meet you.

I am mid 50’s & drives 20 miles a day working full time for my journey to and from work.

I see my dgc 1/2 times a week 12 miles each way.

Very sad that your parents are missing out on making family memories.

My parents and in laws are like this. My mother will happily travel far to go on a cruise but even now won’t travel a couple of hours to come visit. Zero effort but lots of expectation/moaning that they don’t get to see us enough

What were their own parents like at a similar age? People have massively different expectations of age. When my DM was 55, she still had school-aged DC (really unusual in her generation), which is probably part of the reason I don't think of 55 as old at all. OTOH, I'm a doctor and have a lot of patients who think of themselves as old from their 40s

This is totally NOT normal. This penny pinching tightness is a very unattractive quality, don't you think?

Worse your mum spends it on herself, meeting dad for lunch, but quibbles about sharing it with you?

And not being able to be honest, about holidays? Seriously? Then, that's not a loving open relationship, is it?

You do know this, right OP?