Is this just normal for people in their 50s?

[User74000007]

Just wondered if anyone has ever experienced this, or maybe it’s normal and I’m being unfair.

My parents are reasonably well off (relevant). Neither worked for a period in their forties and both now work two days a week, with my mum working from home. Both 55. They don’t need the money but I think it keeps things ticking over so they don’t eat into pension funds. Mortgage paid off and they have a couple of investment homes.

So for as long as I can remember my mum in particular has felt tired and stressed. Both parents seem to feel hard done by in that they will complain if they’ve only had one abroad holiday a year. Last year for instance they went to Asia for a two week holiday, then a few uk breaks as well, and spent circa 10k doing up the house (not needed, just to freshen it up).

If me or my siblings suggest meeting up or them coming over (we all work full time), then there is a big drama over how far they want to travel as they’re ‘nearly 60 now’ and we should come to them. If we suggest meeting for lunch they will frequently say they don’t want to spend money on eating out, they can’t afford it, don’t want to drive, one of them feels ill. There’s always some sort of issue going on and they’re never really fully happy, always comparing with what others have.

My siblings have expresssd to me that they keep secret where they go on holiday as they feel awkward talking about it/feel guilty in front of my parents. I too have felt this (though it’d been a while since I had a holiday!). Is this normal?

I also find it difficult that mum will happily drive hours to catch a flight or spend money in nice places with our dad but never wants to splash out with her children? Am I being too critical?

They’re not like this all the time. Often mum will comment they are lucky, but on a regular basis I will hear how stressful and too much their lives are and how they never get chance to do anything or go anywhere.

Hard to hear when you’re struggling working full time and probably always will, with no weekend breaks let alone one abroad for the last three years. Then there’s the guilt asking them to visit or meet as one of them is undoubtedly too tired or feels ill.

Is this just normal stuff for people their age? Am I being a shit daughter by questioning it? Please be brutal...

They have friends with lots of money, more than they have probably, and they do compare a lot.

I think this is the problem! My parents can be a bit like this but are comfortably off (better than us) but they have neighbours who are incredibly wealthy. Comparison is the thief of joy! To be fair though, they are a lot older and are retired and are worried that they can't go back to work if they should need extra money in the future.

Very, very few 55 year olds can afford not to work and many, many have children still at home and are caring for elderly relatives.

They are middle aged, not old.

Social anxiety, a theory by Alain de Botton, is all about this.

Anyway, better get off this thread before my self-worth evaporates.

I think "old before their time too". My parents are mid 70s and travel double your distance to see GC

They sound very spoiled. My dad is 60 and the same . Retired for ages, plenty of money, moans about how hard his life is to his kids who have no money / work all hours / huge childcare costs / children that keep them awake. I’ve very little patience for it to be honest.

Having a warm and generous nature/spirit is far more important than money/health either mental or physical and so when you meet people who seemingly have it all but are always complaining then they can't help it as it's their nature.

You can try and help them or pity them if it helps get your head around the fact that some people just don't have generous or helpful souls.

It was very interesting to me to know of my fairly wealthy mil who was a person who would never go out of her way to help others who unfortunately got cancer and then relied on wonderful volunteers to get her to hospital and back.

She really appreciated them and I think the fact that it never crossed her mind she could have been a volunteer when able bodied and that would have helped her get out and about and give purpose and meaning to her life.

Some people are just selfish minded op and there is a world they will never experience: the love and happiness you can get in life by having a kind and thoughtful nature.

Some people just love a good bitch and a good moan and they are not necessarily the people you want to spend a lot of time around with children so better accept them for how they are I think!

Look at it this way : George Clooney is 57, Tom Cruise is 56 and Brad Pitt is 55.....do they seems "old" to you?

55 should be a great phase for them. Young enough to still be fit & healthy, but the children up and grown.

I'm not quite in my 50's (I'm 49) and DH is 46...our kids are away at Uni and we are very active and have fab holidays. We both work full time and neither of us have any ailments.

I have no idea why they are behaving "old", but their inability to travel to you for meet up's, due to tiredness, doesn't tie up with their ability to visit Asia, which I imagine involved a lot of walking and sight seeing.

The next time they moan about money, just give it to them straight! I'd say something like "well, if me and DH only worked 2 days a week, we wouldn't be flush either".

Just thinking about this, and I've realised that actually, I am the youngest of my friends : they are all in their 50's....they all work full time, they mostly have children still at school (I had my kids a lot earlier than them), they still travel extensively and they do things like music festivals etc. They are in no way old people.

People do age differently though, I know some people in their 70's that would pass for 55, and some who look very old. But, come on, 55 is not old, in any way, shape or form. How sad that they are wasting their lives behaving this way.

Really helpful posts, thanks.

I don’t think it’s as black and white as they’re just miserable. Often they are not. I think it’s more their expectations of life that differ from mine so much and my own life experiences. Not working at 50 for me would mean fully being involved with my family. But then I wouldn’t want to not work at all.

Of course they want you to move closer.
One day they really will be old and decrepit.. That's your time to shine as far as they are concerned.....
Until then they have bowed out of having you in their lives.

I'm in my 50's and DH and I don't feel this way. Regularly travel 4 hrs to DD at university, and help the step-kids out regularly. I do get more tired in my 50's, just getting older, some health issues and medication which is known to make people more tired, but it hasn't stopped me being out there. And yes we still work, i work part-time, DH full-time.

Just to add neither parent is even old for their time.

Both look young even, especially my mum who could easily pass for mid 40s.

I just don’t know how to deal with it. I feel bad for them one moment then the next I think wait why is their life so bad and why can’t they drive to see their kids on their days off?

Not normal, just miserable

Not normal imo - my mum is in her 70s and does loads, dancing, tai chi, travelling. I’m in my fifties and would be delighted to visit my adult children if I only worked 2 days a week and could afford it.

Do you think there’s something else going on? Eg a healt scare or something?

My parents were very selfish at this age
We were ‘off their hands’ they took early retirement and travelled the world - had very little to do with self and DB or our DC
I’m now 55 work full time and look after those now elderly parents
I’m worn out
Spent most of DC lives as a single parent and therefore have little savings no pension and struggle to afford what they can and could at my age
If I ever have GC will try and prioritise them, meanwhile I travel as much as possible it’s my only escape

Have you got my ILs?

They go on 5/6 holidays a year but complain about the price of petrol to visit us.

Not normal.

I am their age. I still work FT but am thinking of slowing down now and going PT. I am incredibly fortunate to be able to do this.

My adult DC live about 50 miles away and I visit them regularly. We go to events together, out for lunch, and on holidays.

Last year I paid for the two of them (they are thick as thieves) to go on a luxury holiday together, just them. Nothing makes me happier an being able to share my good fortune with them.

I have friends who are far better off than me. Bigger houses, better cars, etc etc but I still love spending time with them. Comparison is the thief of joy.

As PP have said, are you sure they haven't always been like it and you only just noticed? Do they have new friends who are influencing this? If DF wants to spend money on travel, why did they spend £10k on the house if it wasn't necessary? Could they be having marital problems and that's why they don't want you around?

I know this sounds harsh but they have each other and I would ignore it for now. Focus on your own happy life. If they are getting you down then limit frequency or length of conversations.

Btw we still have a child of school age and we both work ft oth

Do you feel up to asking them about it? Why they don’t want to come and see you?,maybe it’s something you haven’t even imagined eg dad has a bad back and can’t sleep elsewhere, it could be something mundane like that. Or maybe they don’t realise how miserable they seem?

Im 40 anyone i know under the age of 60 still acts a lot like my age group but with older dc and enjoying life bit more, usually have older parents to worry about but thats it.

Sounds like your dp are miliking so perceived elder status to get you doing what they want and get out of doing what they dont want to do.

It has worried me that maybe something else is going on but when I’ve made a fuss and said why can’t you visit or meet etc they simply get defensive and say they are busy and worn out and can’t keep going for expensive lunches. I suppose you can’t when you’ve spent 10k doing up a house that was fine to begin with!!! (That’s just me being mean).

I think if I have kids I imagine I will want to have full days with them where I can and want to use some of the money to do nice things with them as well as my husband. I can’t imagine prioritising time and money always with my hubby and never my kids? That’s just me though and I could feel differently in future I guess

For all the 'work to live not live to work' rhetoric that you hear I think unless you have a hard physical job then there's no reason to be winding down work and retiring in your 50s, rewarding work gives your life purpose. I think stopping work young makes you old before your time. I see this at work with the people on the gold plated final salaries, they all start complaining about getting tired of work in their early 50s and cut their hours and retire by 60. But there are older people

Their behaviour is not normal and I would guess some kind of mild depression is going on. Probably could be solved by doing more .

And I’m loving all the positive posts about people in their 50s on this thread 🙂

My DH is mid 50's and he works full time, has a very active hobby (which he think nothing of driving several hours to facilitate) and youngest child just started high school.
It's just your parents! You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about!! If you can't tell them about your holiday because they'll be jealous they're pretty shit parents frankly.
Stop pandering to this silly self indulgent behaviour. Whinging because they've spent all their dividend money on doing up the house instead of going on holiday is a joke. Zero sympathy from me.

I'm also thinking 'comparison is the thief of joy'. If your parents compare yourself to better off friends.... How were your grandparents OP? Were they miserable oldie wonks had they raised their expectations that everyone would travel to them, etc? FWIW my DGM packed up doing stuff at about 50, and expected to go to different DD's every crimbo, having declared she wasn't doing it any more. What was sad was that she had single-handledly brought up 3 DC's and run a farm during the war when my DGD was doing national service.

Good grief. Why do you even both with them, they sound bone idle and entitled.

You deserve a medal, OP.

Doesn't sound normal to me! DH and I are the same age as your parents. We are both working and often travel to visit our DCs and the rest of our family. We have less energy than we used to but no way do we feel old yet.

I'm sorry to hear your parents are like this. Were they like that when you were growing up?