Dating thread 145: new year new adventures

[Notcoolmum]

apparentlyacatch I’m sorry to be such a mum but please don’t invite men round to your house in the first date. You are putting yourself in a v vulnerable position. These men are strangers and you know nothing more about them than what they have chosen to tell you.

He now knows where you live, what possessions you have, seen pictures of your kids, your car, where you put your keys etc.

So 3rd date tonight with Mr S and we are totally DTD! Excited and nervous!!

I've only been doing this six weeks or so but my default position is that they're likely to fuck me over in one way or another so I don't invest anything in them at all. A couple of men have made comments about me coming across as no nonsense and strong and direct. I'm not really any of those things but when you get a barrage of people behaving rudely or, which in my opinion is worse, making out you've had a great date. Kissing you, messaging you then disappearing, then you can't ever really feel safe to be yourself.

Wow thread 145! Was still catching up with the last one. No exciting update from me, I'm still on Tinder but I've developed the confusion disease! One day I hide my profile & the next day I unhide and on and on it goes. I'm swiping left on EVERYONE! I've now got this obsession with finding an iron from a particular country (which is obviously like looking for a needle in a hay stack!) I'm convinced I can only be with someone that speaks my native language. I know i need help

Hello folks, just placemarking on the new thread. Nothing interesting to report; I'm chatting to various blokes, but haven't got to the point of setting any dates up (except for Mr Urbanite, who lives 150 miles away, and who I've been trying to meet for several weeks. He says he's up for it- he did suggest next weekend, and now he's suddenly not child free, and hasn't suggested any alternative dates yet. Can't help feeling I'm keener than he is).

Apparently I do agree but tend to send that message and block because I've had so many abusive dicks sending horrible messages/texts/voicemails. Just my experience, you may have turned down nicer men than me!

batshit unfortunately it's me who tends to be turned down!! I did send one to a guy after I met him for a drink and said I didn't feel a spark his response was 'ha well good luck finding that' - bitter!

Wow! Just found this thread. So interesting reading everyone's experiences.

So DP and I broke up just over a month ago. I initiated it but we both knew it had been heading that was for the last couple of months, and in September and October I went abroad for work for a 6 week block which had already given us some distance. We had been together for almost 8 years. Lived together (renting) but no DC.

So at Christmas I decided to myself I'd start dating casually to see what life is like being single...the last time I was single I was 24 (I was with ex DH for 6.5 years then almost immediately with ex DP). I'm now 38.

I was too chicken to try internet dating as friends have had experiences that they were fine with but sounded scary to me. Now that's ironic given what happened with the first guy I dated...

So I met an artist, let's call him A, in a bar before Christmas (after a dinner with my sports' club) and chatted to him for about 20 minutes. I had had a few drinks which is unusual for me but I wasn't completely drunk. He gave me his number so I could contact him regarding his upcoming exhibition. I left it until 29th Dec. then sent him a little Merry Christmas message. He replied instantly and we chatted a couple of times over phone about art, also books and films. He asked me out and I agreed to go for a coffee with him at 11am on NYE.

I had already arranged to meet a close male friend (not like that!) for breakfast that day so as I was a bit nervous I asked my friend if he'd meet A. and then disappear after 5-10 mins. I told A. about this and said to meet at the same café where I was having breakfast with A.

A. turned up, my friend said hi, then left, A. and I enjoyed chatting for about 45 mins. over coffee and he was interesting and sweet but I didn't fancy him. Then I said thanks, I've got to go now to sort out NYE stuff (true). Cheek kiss goodbye (we are abroad and this is the norm at all times, not romantic), have a good New Year. I didn't say anything about seeing him again.

A. then bombarded me with messages. Hundreds of them. 28 calls in one day. After 2 days of this I sent him a message saying he'd completely overwhelmed me, I'd just come out of an LTR (he knew this) and wasn't looking for a boyfriend but I could see he had a lot of care to give and wished him luck finding someone who was ready for that. He then sent a stream of messages begging me to reconsider, saying he'd be whoever I wanted him to be. I replied again, "no - sorry". He then sent a stream of vile messages saying people like me are repulsive and make the world a bad place, how dare I play with his emotions and make a fool of him. Really scary and aggressive male entitlement and rage just flowing out in text and voice messages. I blocked him.

3 days later I go to meet my male friend and he says, "oh it's great that we are the first ones here (we were going for coffee with a group of people), I've got something a bit delicate to show you." Pulls out his phone and shows me where A. has found him via Facebook and sent him a stream of messages - immediately after I'd blocked him - saying that he had accidentally deleted my number and was desperate to contact me and could my friend tell me to call him asap. Friend had twigged that something was a bit fishy and had sent a very firm response telling A. to get lost.

So that was my first dating experience of 2019!

Ok so I've sent this:
Hey, just wanted to say it’s a shame you’ve chosen to ghost me especially after me inviting you in to my home and being intimate together. I had a nice evening but it’s ok if you have changed your mind and no longer want to go forward in any way with me and want to pursue other people I understand that - it would of just been nicer for you to tell me instead of leaving me feeling used and wondering that there must be something wrong with me when there isn’t. We are adults and the dating world is seemingly brutal but we are still human beings and I feel being open and honest is a better way no matter what the outcome is x
He's ignored it again so I've blocked now! Closure had and now on to find mr right! 👌🏻

Since the awkward experience with AI met a guy, N, last Saturday at a festive parade in my district of the city and got chatting. The parade was around 7pm in the evening and we ended up deciding to go for a drink. Stayed out until midnight - we are very Spanish so we had hot chocolate/coffee, cake, a couple of small beers, and tapas (didn't get drunk). Had really nice chat and kissed quite dramatically on the way home.

On Thursday we went for a drink and he gave me a book that we'd talked about together. Had a really nice chat and some more very sexy kissing (and a little groping 😳☺). He also asked me if I wanted to go on a roadtrip with him to the country this weekend but I said I had plans already (which is true but I also felt it's a bit early!)

As well as meeting N, I went for dinner on Friday with J who is a friend of my friend, I'd met him twice before (when I was in a relationship) and our mutual friend told me when I broke up with ex DP that J likes me. She told him to ask me out!

He had planned out a really nice date that was thoughtful and romantic but also laid-back and fun. We had nice, unforced conversation and amazing food. He is also even better looking than I remembered and we kissed. He asked me to the cinema yesterday but I had plans already but would see him again if he asks. Also he has the most gorgeous dog which is definitely attractive!

So basically I've dated 3 guys since becoming single. 1 turned out to be very odd but the other 2 seem nice and I'm open to seeing them again.

Yesterday I played sport with my team in the morning then most of us decamped to a bar for some coffee/breakfast.

To enjoy my new single status and new year fantasies of being calm and relaxed I had brought a book and decided to stay in the bar after the other girls left to read and enjoy another cup of coffee (books and coffee are my favourites).

A guy came over and asked for a light. I told him I didn't have one and he made a joke about me not looking like I smoked (fair enough - I was wearing - extremely sweaty as yesterday was unseasonably hot here - sports' kit).

He, let's call him T, went outside then came back in and passed by my table and said, "I didn't think you'd have a light but I just wanted to talk to you." He was very good looking with an amazing gym body but I was pretty shy especially as I looked so rough. However we chatted a bit, he said he had wanted to talk to me but was scared of my loud gang of equally sweaty friends. He ended up confessing that he didn't smoke was the first excuse he thought of to chat to me.

Ended up swapping numbers, he sent me a message as soon as I'd left the bar. Going for coffee in a couple of hours. I have showered! And will apply make up and brush my hair! So he may not recognise me ...

Oh wow julianna, ignoring the one odd ball, you are doing much better than me! You go for it!

Hi everyone
I have a pof date tonight. First since before Christmas when I had those second dates with muscle guy and mr rugby which both ended in snogs but then mr rugby ghosted me and muscle messaged no spark.
So,my question is,do I put loads of effort into how I look tonight to try and draw date in. Or do I go more natural and risk he not fancying me so much. As in an every day situation i'm not glam.Such a mad question at my age. His last message last night was ' so glad I logged on and you messaged,lets hope for that spark tomorrow night'. Pressure!!

Juliana you're on fire! Your experience with A is similar to some of my experiences - it's shitty, scary and entitled But your two others sound great!

user I think you should dress/present yourself however you feel comfortable - feeling comfortable and confident in how you look is attractive. Getting all gussied up when you don't normally will mean you feel self-conscious.

user1466783975 good luck for your date tonight!

This isn't useful for tonight but in my very very limited experience I'd say that casual meetings for coffee or a drink, in the daytime, (or early evening if you can't do day time) are ideal for first meetings as you feel a lot less pressure.

For what to wear tonight, it's a cliché but go with tried and tested, something that makes you feel good about yourself. A nice coat so you're warm and look confident and attractive upon arrival from the wintery outdoors. Same for makeup, hair, accessories, stick to what you know you like. Hope this helps? Have a lovely evening.

julianaa good luck, I think we are all a little bit jealous of you meeting someone in rl 🤣. Hope all goes well, looking forward to the update.

I have been chatting to a few people on POF (I have a virus and am stuck at home with too much time on my hands), I’m finding it frustrating because there’s just no one who lives near me. Most are 50+ miles away. I have started talking to a old iron who I have been speaking too on and off for 2 years, he is quite local, I need to arrange meeting him before he vanishes again, he’s my age and pretty good looking.

user I usually go to a first date in casuals clothes and minimal make up, I kind of have the idea that if they see me looking too amazing they will expect it all the time and I rarely wear make up or a dress, I would prefer they saw me looking like I do most days.

Can someone who is tried and tested kick some sense into me please?

I was messaging a guy for only over a week, we hit it off completely, totally the same sense of humour, his lifestage was perfect for me, total match. He really ramped it up, talked to people about me, told me he was scared as it felt so special.

We met, got on really well in person. I was nervous so drank 3 glasses of wine which was stupid as I think I must have said something wrong. We did have a cheeky snog which was amazing, next day texting chasing me when I didn’t reply

Then boom out of the blue, saying he wasn’t 100% and had reservations, then I messaged back and he responded not interested. I again probably said something wrong to move him from “reservations” to “out” and if I’d have left it/said something different he may have been ok.

And I’m crushed. It’s stupid, its one date. Feel I’ve messed up with the only person who was perfect for me and keep going over what I did/said wrong. Thinking I can’t go back online again as there is no point.

HELP oh wise date threaders! I am being ridiculous. What could have happened?

That’s ok shit your advice on rereading the rules was a kick anyway! You are right, I totally overinvested. FML

Leather what was the thing you think you said that was wrong or upset them?

It doesn't really matter. Unless you said something that was blatantly rude, bigoted or offensive then chances are this one is just not for you. There is no sense trying to work them out.

Leather You over invested. You have to remember that people can come across as amazing whilst texting, they tell you what you want to hear, they make out they are interested in the same thing and share the same views as us, we then think “wow, this person sounds amazing” when actually they are not what they seem. I try not to text for too long before meeting but sometimes it’s hard and I end up building a picture of how amazing they are before meeting only to be disappointed or for them to ghoast me after the first or 2nd date. It does hurt even though you only went on one or two dates with them. The best thing to do is find someone else and meet them ASAP.

No Daniel, just that I liked to have a social cigarette with a glass of wine now and then, and I got a little annoyed at some noisy people but didn’t say anything to them. He asked me if I’d ever had a FWB and I didn’t answer as I thought he may judge. Little things.

Had my third date. Great in loads of ways. But... death grip. Not sure I can handle this shit. 😢

Sorry leather. The rules are so helpful. It’s not real until it’s real. It really can be brutal out there.