Dating thread 145: new year new adventures

[Notcoolmum]

apparentlyacatch I’m sorry to be such a mum but please don’t invite men round to your house in the first date. You are putting yourself in a v vulnerable position. These men are strangers and you know nothing more about them than what they have chosen to tell you.

He now knows where you live, what possessions you have, seen pictures of your kids, your car, where you put your keys etc.

So 3rd date tonight with Mr S and we are totally DTD! Excited and nervous!!

Love - I'm 5.5 and turned down a perfectly good looking guy who's 5.3. I just can't do it no matter how perfect they seem. We all have that one thing we can't compromise on!

So, after last nights shambles over messages, we went out for lunch today. He dresses like a hippie and has the looks of Captain Picard, so he'll be MrPicard from now. I was surprised when he took me into a posh bar and shook hands with the owner and several others, same in a couple of other pubs we went - who knows! Despite his dress sense which could become a tad irksome he really is a lovely guy and has since msg to ask if I'll be his girlfriend! This is only date 2 but I've said yes! We've DTD already (date 1, lol) and not bad at all! He's local too.
Feel this could be an interesting venture .

Rich I usually find that the messaging intensifies after the first date, especially if it's with someone I've had a good date with. There's been some times where the date didn't go well and I haven't messaged afterwards or I have, just not as often and let it fizzle out really.

It's not the greatest sign that the messaging has stopped. If a girl likes you, she will find some way of letting you know, and will make sure she's in the forefront of your mind. I would say unfortunately she's going for the messaging less and letting it fizzle out by the sound of it, sorry mate.

Rich yes unfortunately it sounds like she's just not that into you. Hard as that can be to hear. Personally, if I had a date with a guy and it went well and I really wanted to see him again, I wouldn't go cold on texts! Even if she's trying not to appear too keen, do you really want a game player? Sometimes you can think a date went well but the other person didn't think the same.
I went on a date with a guy before Xmas. He was a really nice person, very respectful etc but I just didn't fancy him. It was a nice date and he obviously thought it went well when he contacted me again for a second. I had to decline though.

rich - pre meet messaging is always a bit heavier I find, than post. It depends how you left things with her. Did you get a 'great to meet you, lets do it again' type of msg? If I didn't want to see a guy again or was a bit unsure, yep, I'd slow down the msgs. However, she simply could be busy at w/e's and too much other stuff going on. I'd probably give it a couple of days and if it doesn't pick up, move on.

It was a fairly standard goodbye hug and kiss on the cheeks - fairly rushed as she had to make her train otherwise be in for a long wait so didn't really get time for a chat about doing it again or anything like that.

She was messaging me a fair bit on her journey home but yesterday afternoon following a short interaction she just left it with 'have a great day', similar today after asking how her night was last night. I know she has had a busy weekend but guess it isn't too promising.

I was going to ask her tonight if she wanted to do something during the week after work but the lack of any sort of messaging has meant I haven't really had the chance.

Just wondering now if I've fallen into the same trap as the last girl I dated - the one from Friday told me she was new to dating apps and I was her first Bumble date and perhaps has is amazed by the amount of choice and options.

Women do have a lot of choice now, and you only have to look to this thread to know how quick things change. You've got multiple dates at one time, people going on a date but wishing it was another one of their matches they were on a date with.

As hard as it is, this girl doesn't owe you anything, it was one off the cuff date you had with her that wasn't pre planned and maybe she has other people she's messaging or an ex she still loves, you never know. I think these days someone would really have to sweep you off your feet to consider becoming invested and wanting a second date as there's so much choice out there.

You seem like such a lovely guy Rich, and it's so sad that this type of thing happens and it's awful getting your hopes up and having them dashed again. Out of interest, has there ever been a time when you have had a first date and said no to a second or stopped messaging the person? One day you'll meet a great person who will show you every single day that she wants to be with you and not make you second guess yourself, just hang in there.

rich - I think when you are new to OLD, it's easy to get carried away. I used to, lol! Now though, if I make it to date 2 and I like them, then I don't mess them about. I might chat to a few existing irons but hide my profile and not actively look.
Maybe send her a direct msg, saying 'are you interested in going out xxx'. At least you'll know.

Rich if she is new to OLD then she might be juggling a few prospective dates so keeping her options open. She might really like you but is talking to others too. Perhaps she's been talking to someone else over the weekend, hence her lack of messages to you.
I would also suggest messaging her and asking if she would like to meet again and then you'll know one way or another. There is nothing worse than investing time in someone who isn't interested.

@Auba I've had a few whereby I didn't feel anything at all and you know you want to leave before you've even finished your first drink but I have always had the decency to let them know either when I got home or the next morning.

I find multi-dating and having lots of irons hard though, just isn't for me so it is hard not to get invested I guess in one - for example I haven't been on the apps since I started chatting to this one last week even though we haven't met as she seemed keen so it feels kind of wrong to continue chatting to others.

Just out of interest, with all you guys that do have a fair few irons, do you find yourself getting excited about some of them who you haven't even met or spoken to in real life despite perhaps having met a half decent guy in real life and then end up building up the person you haven't met yet into something he's not at the expense of making you switch off from the other guy? Does that make sense? I guess I'm wondering as I know how chemistry, spark, excitement, etc can be built over text and messaging as the mystery is there.

Rich, just ask her outright if she fancies meeting again.
If she likes you she'll let you know.
I'd been messaging for around a month with Mr24 before we met, several messages a day. After our first date I knew I really liked him and our contact only intensified. We arranged date 2 very quickly and the rest is history.
She might be busy yes, we all get busy, but I'd personally always appreciate someone who is direct with me rather than going around the houses.
It's true women maybe do have lots of choice, but when I knew I'd found someone I clicked with (and fancied the pants off) nobody else interested me.
If she's not that bothered then don't chase but at least you'll know one way or another

Rich yes because you are falling for an 'ideal' rather than a real person. You can build up a picture of what someone is like based on photos and text messages and that can give you the hope of the 'perfect' person. That, in reality, rarely exists. I really liked one guy just because he was handsome, the right age and he ticked all the boxes. I put all my eggs in that basket (so to speak) only for him to ghost me before we even met.

@crappyday2018 You are right in some ways, I don't think I believe that there is a perfect person as I'm quite a realist plus do know how hard life can be but I can be a dreamer and get carried away thinking things are going to work out at least in the medium term.... with the one I met just after the new year I was googling Valentines Day weekends after 5-6 dates which I know is unrealistic and setting myself up to feel awful when they eventually end it.

On paper I do feel I am a catch and should tick all the boxes for most women but really struggle with OLD.

Rich well I feel your pain. I've given up on it for now as it was doing nothing for my self esteem. I feel like I should be a catch too. I'm attractive (I think), don't look my age etc but I've had no luck whatsoever on OLD.
Unfortunately with OLD, there are a LOT of people who are just 'playing' at it. Then for some, its like being in a sweet shop and they are constantly looking for someone better because new choices keep appearing.

Just a quick update from me.

I had a major wobble with MrAbs on Friday night and I'm afraid I became the possessive, jealous girlfriend I'd always laughed about (before my exh had several affairs...) MrAbs mentioned that there was a girl at the gym that he hadn't seen for ages, she'd just moved back to the area and started marathon training, telling me how she's lost loads of weight by switching from weights to cardio. She said he'd really bulked up and was looking great. All I heard was "I told this girl she looked really fit and she said I did too"... It wasn't my finest moment and I just shut down completely, feeling really inadequate and insecure about me/us. He handled it in his usual sensible, pragmatic way, saying if he had anything to hide he certainly wouldn't be telling me about her, he's just really interested in fitness (understatement!), and likes chatting to other people about their progress. I hate the fact that my exH has made me feel this way, so it's something I'm really going to work on. I was convinced MrAbs was going to dump me on the spot (I probably would have done, it was a major red flag - I was a proper crying snotty mess ), but he was lovely and grown up about it and duly gave lots of reassuring hugs and words about how he's not looking for anyone else. Ever...

So, today went better than I could have hoped with my DD meeting MrAbs and his kids for the first time - my DD and his have already decided they are BFF's (they're 8 ), and DD was bowled over by his amazing roast chicken dinner - that's how he hooked me as well... They way to our hearts is definitely through our stomachs .

She'll see them again in a couple of weeks when he has them for his EOW contact.

MrAbs and I were grinning at each other like idiots at the way they were all getting on, so we've decided we'll keep each other forever. You know, for the kids 🤷‍♀️...

Sorry that actually wasn't very quick!

JeSuis - Aww, that's so lovely!

Aw you cockle warmer jesuis! I'm getting a contact glow from you now...

Joining you in the "bowling them over with our personalities hopefully" corner here, shit. We'll touch their perfect bodies with our minds *

*St. Leonard of Cohen

@JeSuisPrest that's so lovely!
He sounds like a keeper

My iron let me down today. I'm excessively pissed off because A I'm grumpy at the moment anyway for reasons.
And B I rearranged another date this week because of a combination of guilt and reasons.

Have made myself visible on the apps and doing swiping tonight while trying not to make any rash decisions...

Rich I think you have to message and ask her if she wants to meet again, as others said then you'll know. She might be texting less because of not being interested or it totally could be that she has been busy over the weekend, or that she doesn't want to appear too keen. I'm not sure I agree that a girl would always keep the texting pace up if interested, depending on how she has taken your texts she could be thinking she doesn't want to over do it.

I say this having had my recent date and enthusiastic messager suddenly disappear for two days, I was basically convinced he'd ghosted me and then texted him this morning and he texted back immediately saying it was really good to hear from me and he's now asked me out again! turns out he was just busy/hungover and took my last text as less than enthusiastic.

Not saying that is definitely the case here but my point is you can't know unless you ask her, I think we all sometimes read things into exchanges that aren't quite the case and you don't have anything to lose, if she doesn't want to meet up then you can move on.

My God, I've just read an article on Daily Fail that says there are 20 reported crimes a week from Tinder. That's actually insane the amount of nutcases on there these days.

Hi,
Just thought I'd give a quick update as I think I last posted a couple of weeks ago.
I think I'm seriously falling for Mr Runner. We've had 5 dates so far, I think when I last posted was after a bad kiss so I wasn't sure about him but it's got so much better since then. On the third date, when I was talking about stuff he'd written in his profile, he mentioned he hadn't been on the site in weeks. I'm kind of at the stage were I'm starting to feel bad if I'm chatting to one of the others and don't really want to be dating anyone else. I don't know what he's thinking though we haven't talked about how we feel about each other at all. We only text to arrange a date so there's no chatting in between times. If I break things off with the other irons now, things could fizzle out with Mr Runner? I'm just not sure what to do!
There are 3 other irons which I'm in contact with. One of them, Mr Money, I've been on 5 dates with him, he's a lovely guy but I just can't picture myself with him. I don't think the attraction is there for me, there's been no kissing.
Mr Trainer who I was meant to be meeting for the first time today, after being in contact for about the past month, texted me on Friday saying that he'd decided not to meet me. This was because he thought he was ready for dating when he signed up but realised he's actually not ready because he's still affected by a recent bad break up. Could have told me that a few weeks ago! Looking back I think he'd been putting off meeting. Just goes to show, don't get overinvested before meeting because you might never actually meet.

Rich I used to build people up before we’d met in person but not any more! I’ve met too many men who were socially inept/self-obsessed/6 inches shorter (yes, really) when I actually met them. These days, I treat the first meeting as a blank slate, imagining it as a business appointment to minimise nerves, and if I like the man then it’s a bonus.

rich she may be slow fading, or she might be waiting for you to make the next move. I'd message and ask her out again - what's the worst that could happen?!