Wants to get engaged 2 weeks later calls it all off

[Ihatethis1]

I'm 24 (F) - I have a son (nearly 3) and a daughter (4 months)

I met my partner when I was 15, he's was 16. He was the first person I'd ever been with, my first ever love. Basically we were together 4 years, but the relationship was childish and we weren't ready for a relationship. We parted ways and never spoke for a couple of years. Then we met back up and I instantly fell back in love, relationship was rocky at first (I found out he had a gf when I got with him, he was chatting up other girls and going to his ex's house on sly) I was pregnant at the time and I forgave all. Our relationship has been good since then hence the second child. The only bad thing I can say about our relationship is that we don't have much time to spend together as children are ALWAYS there. We don't have a great support network. But regardless, we have been good, haven't argued for years or anything.

A couple of days before Christmas he tells me he has bought an engagement ring online. Obviously I'm excited, happy, thinking my whole life has come together ☺️ then it comes a couple of days after Christmas and I asked him if it's nice and he said he loved it, it's really classy it will suit me etc.

He plans to take nye off work to spend with me and last minute he says 'fcuk this I'd rather be at work' and leaves. So I'm confused obviously.

Anyway, skip forward a week and he's telling me that hes met a customer at work who he has feelings for. He's done the decent thing by discussing this with me before doing anything rash

He said seeing the engagement ring has made him realise that he doesn't want to spend the rest of his life with me. He says he loves me but isn't in love with me and can't stop thinking about this girl. I don't know anything about this girl and I feel I would do anything to be her so he would love me again.

Now that doesn't make sense to me as he is telling me he has spoke to her twice apparently. But he knows alot about her and wants to take her on a date. He said she reminds him of the 21yo me (and the only thing that has changed is i've had 2 children to him and put on a few pound)

I'm absolutely devastated. I'm truly madly in love with this guy. We live together, we have 2 small children and I don't see the future without him in it. It's going to kill our eldest.

I just don't know what to do anymore. We are currently living together and he's being really nice to me, talking about the future and how he will help me find a house first with the kids and help pay towards it etc.

I have just give up hope. I don't see any future at all now, I'm just sat upstairs crying all the time and being sick - it's not nice for the kids to hear. I feel like everyone would just be better of without me.

All everyone keeps saying is that it doesn't add up, him leaving me for some girl he's spoke to twice. But I think it's more the fact that he has realised I'm not his forever person. This girl might/might not be - but he knows I'm definitely not.

I really am having horrible thoughts and I spoke to the doctors who advised I go to councilling but he's leaving for work in an hour and all I'm guna be thinking about is them together.

I'm angry, sad, heartbroken and have no one to talk to. I need help and don't know where to turn.

"As long as it doesn't effect his kids life I don't see why that matters?"

But it IS affecting his kids lives. Its stopping them having a live in father, it's putting their mother under stress.

Are his meds being regularly reviewed? Hypersexual behaviour can be a symptom.

@BlueUggs

Your partner is a CUNT!!!

Exactly what I was thinking summed up in one sentence. If my DH came home and said he'd met another woman and was leaving me I'd say see ya later then and turf all his shit out on the road!!!!!

denial. you are in denial. and yes you are controlled by your insecurities. cult leaders don't directly control. they are like a virus that thrives on your vulnerabilities. build your immunity! you are in a toxic relationship. your kids are learning about gender roles, family dynamics and healthy relationships from you. it doesn't matter whether or not you cry in front of them. they are human and not stupid. they absorb a lot from their environment. you and the father of your kids are being selfish and actively abusing children. stop making excuses. what's that? are you typing up an excuse in your mind as you read?

and yes I don't think his ex is abusive. I think this guy is a mess who if he were put through the legal system, he would probably have very minimal time with any of his kids...………...

Did his GP really 'diagnose him bipolar'?

Some smells around here.

He sounds like a complete dick, why is he even looking at other women and chatting to them enough to feel a spark? It should be 'ID please, check it, thanks'

My DH has severe mental health problems including depression and anxiety & was treated like shit for 14 long years by his ex and he wouldn't ever dream of doing to me what your DP has done !

As hard and heart breaking as it is, you need to move on and be happy with your kids! Find happiness within yourself again and trust me, when your real Mr right comes along you will wonder why the fuck you stayed with the guy for such a long time.....

There are none so blind as those that will not see.

Oh dear.
This whole thing is so depressing.
In the words of the gorgeous Rupaul “if you can’t love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?”
Op, your self esteem is in your boots.
Don’t let this drag you down. It’s obviously hit you hard but you’ve got to fight. Not fight to get him back, that ship has sailed, but fight to find yourself.
You are young, a mother and have so much ahead to look forward to.
Look after yourself, your kids and your future.
X

What a sad thread to read and I agree with a pp that it's a painful read.

Do you live in the U.K. Op?
I was diagnosed with bi polar 2 years ago
and it was certainly not my GP who gave me the diagnosis. They are unable to diagnose such complex MH conditions. The doctor may have suggested that your ex fitted the criteria or that it could possibly be bi polar but then a referral would have to be made for numerous visits to see a psych and go through a full and thorough assessment.
Please don't excuse his behaviour on a flimsy diagnosis.

I don't know why you posted to be honest.
Everyone here is wrong and you are right.
What's sad is that you're making up every excuse under the sun for this man without realising you have been conditioned by him. It has well and truly worked and he knows if he clicked his fingers you would have him back in a heartbeat.

I find it sad that you cannot see what is in front of you.
What's that saying, when someone is telling you who they are- listen.

Nobody here wants to make you feel bad but the majority of us have been through similar and are speaking from experience.
24 is so young and clearly you have a lot on your plate.
I admire the fact that you want to parent together and don't like him being bad mouthed but the two aren't mutually exclusive.
I split up with my eldest's dad when he was 2 ( he's almost 16 ) and we do co-parent very well together. However, I am more than aware of his many flaws and remember how nasty he was when the real him came out, I have no doubt he feels the same about me.

Knock this one off the huge pedestal you've placed him on.
A good man doesn't split up his family on a whim.
Be prepared for the real truth to come out soon enough.
I hope that you tell him where to go.
sadly though I think we all know that won't happen and you will accept any crumbs thrown at you.

I couldn't help falling in love with him - you can't help who you fall for.

Bollocks, of course you bloody can. You just need to do "Woah, red flag" at a red flag and disengage.

Not that I would have expected you to know that as a child of 16, OP. And probably had been exposed to harmful media aka "romcoms".

But yea that definitely happened. Maybe it's different where you live, but that's how it works around here.

So which PCT trust is that?

Oh youre in the US? Well you elected a clown, what do you expect?

If you want him back, he needs to know what he is missing. So ask him to leave for now. Go VERY low contact (only about the kids) and ignore any questions about you personally, offer nothing about you personally.

Google the 180 and see how it works.

I've got my doubts - I think rarely would someone you meet at 15 still be a suitable partner at 25, let alone 55, but I know it does happen. People grow and change.

I don't think that a 4 month old baby or even a 2 yr old should be away from the primary care-giver for half the week. That is not recommended as being in the child's best interest at that age.

That is more for older kids. Babies should have daily contact with the primary care giver and regular short contact with the other parent.

Are you breast feeding? How will that work with him having them for 3 nights a week?
It sounds as though he won't be having them for 3 x 24-hours a week, just overnight 3x (conveniently enough to not pay child support whilst leaving you with all the costs, work, and childcare fees....)

I think either you or he need to move out now and go stay with MIL. Give notice on your house now, so there's a deadline. It's very hard living with an ex, especially if you don't want them to be an ex.

If you want to be loved, love yourself first. The rest will follow

• Serial cheat (and yes, he is)

• Wandering eye

• Bipolar

• Minimum dead end job (you'll never have nice things and holidays)

• Children with multiple women

• Cruel (giving the ring and taking it back)

• Willing to dump his family, for a woman he's never even dated (I don't believe that actually : men normally line up the next woman before they leave)

I'm guessing he's got a 12 inch cock, otherwise I really don't get it.

I'm not saying these things to be horrible, I want you to let the scales fall from your eyes. This guy is not a good catch. He's not even nice.

Tel him to sleep in his car, he will be under another woman's roof before the weekend.

He said when he got the ring in his hand, it made him realise I wasn't his forever person - and once he had that in his head, he felt there was new space for other people.

I'm sorry OP. Honestly, that was a crap hand to be dealt - leaving everything else alone, because it's too late to change any of it now, this is the crux of the matter.

You saw the ring and saw the man you want to be your husband, the family you want, the life you thought you'd have. He saw it and it stirred up the feelings that he doesn't want this with you. He won't be the first that happens to, it's not unheard of. Unpleasant and unfair, yes, but not a total rarity.

The only thing to do now is split. There's no real point trying to get it back when it's gone for him. You deserve someone who is just as excited about making you his wife, about having a family with you.

Try not to do the pick me dance. Your empathy for his situation will serve you well when it comes to sorting out arrangements, but be mindful that he's contributing and being kind to you too. Don't get taken advantage of.

For healings sake, get him out of your house for a while as soon as you can, so you can start new routines and let things settle. It'll feel horrid at first but you'll build a new normal.