Wants to get engaged 2 weeks later calls it all off

[Ihatethis1]

I'm 24 (F) - I have a son (nearly 3) and a daughter (4 months)

I met my partner when I was 15, he's was 16. He was the first person I'd ever been with, my first ever love. Basically we were together 4 years, but the relationship was childish and we weren't ready for a relationship. We parted ways and never spoke for a couple of years. Then we met back up and I instantly fell back in love, relationship was rocky at first (I found out he had a gf when I got with him, he was chatting up other girls and going to his ex's house on sly) I was pregnant at the time and I forgave all. Our relationship has been good since then hence the second child. The only bad thing I can say about our relationship is that we don't have much time to spend together as children are ALWAYS there. We don't have a great support network. But regardless, we have been good, haven't argued for years or anything.

A couple of days before Christmas he tells me he has bought an engagement ring online. Obviously I'm excited, happy, thinking my whole life has come together ☺️ then it comes a couple of days after Christmas and I asked him if it's nice and he said he loved it, it's really classy it will suit me etc.

He plans to take nye off work to spend with me and last minute he says 'fcuk this I'd rather be at work' and leaves. So I'm confused obviously.

Anyway, skip forward a week and he's telling me that hes met a customer at work who he has feelings for. He's done the decent thing by discussing this with me before doing anything rash

He said seeing the engagement ring has made him realise that he doesn't want to spend the rest of his life with me. He says he loves me but isn't in love with me and can't stop thinking about this girl. I don't know anything about this girl and I feel I would do anything to be her so he would love me again.

Now that doesn't make sense to me as he is telling me he has spoke to her twice apparently. But he knows alot about her and wants to take her on a date. He said she reminds him of the 21yo me (and the only thing that has changed is i've had 2 children to him and put on a few pound)

I'm absolutely devastated. I'm truly madly in love with this guy. We live together, we have 2 small children and I don't see the future without him in it. It's going to kill our eldest.

I just don't know what to do anymore. We are currently living together and he's being really nice to me, talking about the future and how he will help me find a house first with the kids and help pay towards it etc.

I have just give up hope. I don't see any future at all now, I'm just sat upstairs crying all the time and being sick - it's not nice for the kids to hear. I feel like everyone would just be better of without me.

All everyone keeps saying is that it doesn't add up, him leaving me for some girl he's spoke to twice. But I think it's more the fact that he has realised I'm not his forever person. This girl might/might not be - but he knows I'm definitely not.

I really am having horrible thoughts and I spoke to the doctors who advised I go to councilling but he's leaving for work in an hour and all I'm guna be thinking about is them together.

I'm angry, sad, heartbroken and have no one to talk to. I need help and don't know where to turn.

He is immature and not ready to raise a family. He is disloyal. He is not a good guy. He chose to have these children, you should not pander to his self indulgent rubbish because he misses the way things used to be.

Please take the advice of pp about protecting yourself. Your feelings as they are now will change. That's a given.

As for the comment about her being younger than you? You are only 24. Never ever let yourself believe that any of your worth should diminish with age. I am in my 40s and a total fox. My partner knows he's lucky to have me. He will be lucky if he still has me in his life for the next 40.

Now pick your self esteem up off ths floor. This guy is a fool. Look after your kids. And realise that even though you don't now (because harsh as I sound I really do understand the wrench of heartache you're feeling) you will be so happy you didn't end up with this idiot.

Op you don’t need to get angry but you do need to get strong for your children’s sakes. They need their mum as she is the most important thing in their world. No more talk of ‘better off without me’ as that is incredibly selfish and short sighted on your part. That’s putting yourself first and not your children. I understand you’re heart broken but you need to somehow snap out of it and start functioning and focus on them.

Ok so your dp is leaving and there’s nothing you can do to change his mind. You need to come to an acceptance of that and start moving forward in planning what you do next. Find out what benefits you’re entitled to whether or not you are working and start budgeting for life by yourself. Don’t wait for him to start helping you look for a house, do it yourself. Very soon you’re going to be doing all this by yourself anyway so you need to start acting independently of him and start making your own plans.

You might not think you’ll need to take money from your exdp but your children will need money for clothes, shoes, school uniforms, school trips... and all this mounts up so if it’s you paying for all of this you’ll need to get some money from him to cover his half, whether or not he is an excellent dad.

It’s goid that you’re keeping a level head and not getting angry. But you need to use this level head to protect yourself going forward. Use it to secure yourself a property, get your financials in order and get ready for your new life with your children which will be as amazing as you make it. Life will be good again. You’ve just got to get through this rough patch first.

He's told you that he likes this girl because she reminds him of you when you were younger?

That is CRUEL.

Why do you think he told you that? Even a total idiot knows that will make someone feel like shit.

If he loved you he'd leave. Honestly, you're upstairs crying and falling apart. You can't even begin to rebuild your self esteem and life with him there. If he truly cared about you he'd rip off the plaster and let you begin the healing process.

He has offered to go but I feel like I need help with the kids. Honestly I'm just fed up.

Christ, get some self respect, and get ANGRY. Kick him out ASAP

he is indirectly breaking you down so you feel worthless, committed and dependent on him.
even your comments in this thread show instability. one minute he is nice the next he gets on your nerves.
you have yourself, family and friends. you don't need him. he will have to pay child support anyway. your kids are getting
these guys = stress, weihght gain, tears etc

I do feel angry. But I don't know who to aim that anger at. He hasn't done anything wrong, so I can't blame him. I haven't done anything wrong so I can't blame myself.

I'm blaming this girl and it's not her fault at all. Fair enough she shouldn't have continued speaking to him when she knew he had a family. But they literally just talked. There's nothing wrong with talking to the opposite sex

I just hate the way he's viewing this. He sees it as 'I got cold feet when I had the ring in my hand' so there must be space for someone else and starts to like a complete randomer.

I am worth more than that and he knows that too.

But it's not anybody fault I'm just left with this shitty situation.

I feel like I just want to hold on to him being here for as long as possible because I don't want him to go. I want him to change his mind and tell me he's made a massive mistake. I want what we used to have. But I know deep down that's not going to happen.

Take him up on his offer to live out of his car and then we will still be close at hand for the kids. See what he says.

You'll always feel like you need help with the kids. Forever and ever. One way or another. But when he's at work you manage, when he's gone out you manage. And I bet you do more than manage don't you? I bet you do great.

And you would if he was gone. You're struggling and feel you need more help because he's there and it's so much harder for you because the man that you love, who's told you his feelings have changed is right there in front of you. Give yourself some space. Sure, you'll still be in turmoil when he's not there, but you'll do better. I don't honestly think you two sharing the same space is going to help either of you, it could push you further apart, the awful atmosphere and sadness. Get some distance. Otherwise I fear it will get harder. You can cope and you WILL. Fair enough, you understand the situation but understanding it won't change it. You need to act to move forwards.

. I want what we used to have.

That is NEVER going to happen.
However you could have something better. (Yes even with him - together)
This mean turning your anger towards the problem - Him.
I don't mean uncontrollable rage - a simple :
' you're being a twat ' will do.
He's like a kid in a sweet shop.

And too many sweets make you sick.

You need to get your self esteem up.
Be the best you , you can be.
The best mum.
And when you look in the mirror you'll be telling your self, he'd be lucky Or any man , to have such a foxy lady (love that from pp)

I understand how you feel so I can tell you , until you get to the place and calming say:
'NO MORE 'you will be walked on like a carpet.

Have you noticed when you put your foot down with the child they start to behave ?
It s because you have given them firm boundaries and they feel SAFE

No lines in the sand. It's the same with adults (not just men)

People need healthy boundaries.

NRTWT but OP, please stop fooling yourself into thinking he's nice and lovely. If he didn't think you were his 'forever person' he shouldn't have had two kids with you. Having children will always be a bigger commitment than marriage.

In my experience, even men at 25 can be incredibly immature and sounds like he is. You should count youself lucky you're not marrying him, and as for this girl, she probably doesn't fancy him anyway. He's pathetic.

*I do feel angry. But I don't know who to aim that anger at. He hasn't done anything wrong, so I can't blame him. I haven't done anything wrong so I can't blame myself.

I'm blaming this girl and it's not her fault at all. *

The only person you should be directing your anger towards is him, nobody else.

Please listen to the advice given by pp you will be ok. Most of us on here have felt devastated and heartbroken because a relationship has ended, so we understand.

Don't give him the satisfaction of playing the "pick me dance". Listen to his words and believe what he's said. Even though he's being nice about his reasons for ending your relationship, he's actually a very unpleasant immature man and you're better off without him.

Your kids love you and need you, make the welfare and well-being of your kids be your priority and focus. You need somewhere else to live and you need to find out what benefits you're entitled to.

Big hugs...

This jumped out at me.

*He's not trying to comfort me. I'm just getting upset upstairs out the way whilst he is downstairs with children.

He says that I'm making him feel bad when I cry because the last thing he wanted to do was hurt me.*

So basically OP he was tired of you crying so he sent you upstairs?

No, not at all. I moved myself away from the children whilst I'm upset because they don't need to see it.

Oh dear God.
Your self esteem is non-existent, isn't it?
What were your parents like? How did they treat you, and each other?

stand up for yourself. move on. don't be nice. 24 is a good age to be resilient. you don't want to be 34 or 44 when you finally decide to move on. it can get challenging with time

He sounds like a right catch. Works as a bouncer and “falls in love” with a random customer?

Jesus Christ, OP, what has happened in your life that you think this is a good way to allow yourself to be treated? I’d love to give you a good shake.

He’s 20-something with three kids under five with two women he hasn’t married. He’s not going to provide for them (and any others he creates) on a bouncer’s wage.

You’re being deluded. You need to sort out everything yourself now, and take him through the courts to arrange child maintenance. Do not let him decide any of this.

Why are you defending him??
Has it not crossed your mind he's telling you he hasn't xyz with this other girl so it's an easier life for him?!
He's a known cheater as he cheated on his ex with you!
I'm sorry but it sounds like he'll say whatever he needs to. And don't be fooled about him paying. He won't.

You said : Then we met back up and I instantly fell back in love, relationship was rocky at first (I found out he had a gf when I got with him, he was chatting up other girls and going to his ex's house on sly) I was pregnant at the time and I forgave all

Then you said : Neither is catching at STI because regardless of what you all think, he has been faithful. He's not some snake that goes sleeping about

But he is a snake who sleeps about, isn't he? He cheated on his Ex with you, and now he's cheating on you with OW.

I'm not surprised that his Ex doesn't like you. In her eyes you stole her man, and now history is repeating itself.

This man thinks nothing of knocking women up, and leaving for the next conquest. He's going to have multiple Baby Mamma's and would be ideal as a guest on the Jeremy Kyle show.

No man leaves a reasonable relationship, for a woman he's only seen twice in passing, at work. Guaranteed if you made him leave, to "sleep in his car", he would be sleeping in this woman's home. How can he say things like, "I don't know if it will work out with her" if he hasn't even asked her out? They will be dating for sure, and he has probably told her hat you are separated and that you are "nuts".

You are so young, and naive, and when I was 24, I also allowed myself to believe the utter BS that my Ex spouted. When you are older, you will look back on this, and see him for what he is. He is a serial cheater, and a cruel one at that.

Who the fuck let's his Partner try on an engagement ring, then spouts all this shit about not loving you anymore. What a cruel thing to do!

When I left my first husband, for cheating on me, I didn't tell him about my next relationship as I didn't want to hurt him. If I thought he was popping in for the kids, I'd hide any photo's of us, because I didn't want to hurt him. That's what nice people do.

Honestly, kick the bastard out. Only let him have the kids a max of 2 nights a week. Get child maintenance from him. And honestly, in 3 months time, just place a pair of Men's size 12 work boots on the front step, and when he sees them and demands to know who you are seeing, tell him it's none of his business, but that you are super happy.

Watch the little fucker squirm.

He's not lovely.
People can fall out of love and it doesn't mean they have done something bad.
but the fact that he told you all about this girl and his feelings shows that if he got a chance today he would go out on a date with her today. It's obvious from his words to you that he is planning on moving on straight away.

He hasn't done anything wrong, so I can't blame him

Dear God! After 5 pages, still.... ?
What was your childhood like for you to have zero self esteem?

This is painful reading! ....

I'm not going to put him in that position, he will never have to fight to see them and as long as he fully provides for them when he has them - then I won't take money of him. thats the way it should be

Oh boy, this is a massive mistake. Yes, when the kids are with him, he will feed them and there'll be a roof over their heads, BUT child maintenance is about so much more than this.

Who is going to pay for everything else? Like school uniform, clothes, school trips, dentist, school books, haircuts, mobile phone bills, birthday parties, birthday presents, presents for other children's parties, swimming lessons, fees for other hobbies.....I could go on and on. Children cost far more than a few square meals a week. I suspect that you will end up forking out for these essentials, whilst all he does is feed them a few times a week. DO NOT BE THAT MUG.

Does he have another job, in addition to the Bouncers job? I bloody hope so, because I can't see how you can decently support 3 kids on a Bouncers wage. What does he want to be when he grows up? Or is bouncing his long term plan, for fucks sake?

I don't understand all the people who are saying being a shit partner = being a shit parent. The op has stated numerous times he's a good dad, and he's parenting is not the issue here. Op you are going through such a hard time right now and I wish there was a simple answer all I can say is it will get better over time, the main thing is getting yourself feeling better right now, your children need you, they always will, once you find your strength everything will start to feel better