Wants to get engaged 2 weeks later calls it all off

[Ihatethis1]

I'm 24 (F) - I have a son (nearly 3) and a daughter (4 months)

I met my partner when I was 15, he's was 16. He was the first person I'd ever been with, my first ever love. Basically we were together 4 years, but the relationship was childish and we weren't ready for a relationship. We parted ways and never spoke for a couple of years. Then we met back up and I instantly fell back in love, relationship was rocky at first (I found out he had a gf when I got with him, he was chatting up other girls and going to his ex's house on sly) I was pregnant at the time and I forgave all. Our relationship has been good since then hence the second child. The only bad thing I can say about our relationship is that we don't have much time to spend together as children are ALWAYS there. We don't have a great support network. But regardless, we have been good, haven't argued for years or anything.

A couple of days before Christmas he tells me he has bought an engagement ring online. Obviously I'm excited, happy, thinking my whole life has come together ☺️ then it comes a couple of days after Christmas and I asked him if it's nice and he said he loved it, it's really classy it will suit me etc.

He plans to take nye off work to spend with me and last minute he says 'fcuk this I'd rather be at work' and leaves. So I'm confused obviously.

Anyway, skip forward a week and he's telling me that hes met a customer at work who he has feelings for. He's done the decent thing by discussing this with me before doing anything rash

He said seeing the engagement ring has made him realise that he doesn't want to spend the rest of his life with me. He says he loves me but isn't in love with me and can't stop thinking about this girl. I don't know anything about this girl and I feel I would do anything to be her so he would love me again.

Now that doesn't make sense to me as he is telling me he has spoke to her twice apparently. But he knows alot about her and wants to take her on a date. He said she reminds him of the 21yo me (and the only thing that has changed is i've had 2 children to him and put on a few pound)

I'm absolutely devastated. I'm truly madly in love with this guy. We live together, we have 2 small children and I don't see the future without him in it. It's going to kill our eldest.

I just don't know what to do anymore. We are currently living together and he's being really nice to me, talking about the future and how he will help me find a house first with the kids and help pay towards it etc.

I have just give up hope. I don't see any future at all now, I'm just sat upstairs crying all the time and being sick - it's not nice for the kids to hear. I feel like everyone would just be better of without me.

All everyone keeps saying is that it doesn't add up, him leaving me for some girl he's spoke to twice. But I think it's more the fact that he has realised I'm not his forever person. This girl might/might not be - but he knows I'm definitely not.

I really am having horrible thoughts and I spoke to the doctors who advised I go to councilling but he's leaving for work in an hour and all I'm guna be thinking about is them together.

I'm angry, sad, heartbroken and have no one to talk to. I need help and don't know where to turn.

Please don't do anything stupid. No man is worth it. Right now it may feel like the end of the world but I PROMISE you that it will get easier with time. You are in the thick of it right now so just hold on and soon it'll be ok.
Your kids do need you more than anything in the world. Nothing is more important in a child's life than a mothers love. You are their whole world.
Please be strong for them. You did the right thing my going to the doctors. If you ever feel like you might do something to harm yourself, please go straight to a & e or call 999.

You are beautiful and you are worthy of so much more. You are going to have the most amazing life and you will get through this.

Stay strong mama. You got this ❤️❤️❤️

What makes him think this girl is even remotely interested in him? He's splitting up your relationship based on someone he's seen twice in passing. No, OP. Wake up and smell the bullshit. It stinks to high heaven.

Thank you Mrsmummy90 ❤️

AGAIN - he could take this girl out on 1 date and hate her. But he's still won't come back to me because he has realised he's not in love with me anymore. Its not the girl that's the issue - it's that he's fell out of love with me very quickly for no apparent reason other than 'people change'

He did this whole 'keeping you sweet and clueless' routine with fucking his ex when you got back together.

He is being nice because he knows you are in love with him, hurting (because he has hurt you) and well within your rights to get angry and fuck him off and that's not convenient for him yet.

He is showing NO decency to his kids or you.
You are crying and sick with it because he is dragging it out, why hasn't he moved out to family or a bnb so you can recover and the kids can be with a mum who is able to focus on them?

He has said he will be walking out on his kids, he will no longer part of your household when it is convenient for him, you are hurting so much you are hiding upstairs away from the kids, but he will only walk away when it's convenient to him yet he is still the nice guy??

He doesn't give a shit is the ONLY answer. Stop lying to yourself, he is telling more than enough lies for all of you.

He sounds about 6 years old, or like hes on a lot of drugs

I haven't said any of that though did I? I didn't say he slept with his ex.

He has offered to leave, but I've told him there is no need.

And he is here looking after our kids because for the first time in my life - I feel like I can't. Its not that I'm hiding out the way. Yes I'm sitting up stairs so the kids don't see me upset, but if he wasn't here to look after them - then I would be like this in front of them.

Atm I feel like I'm struggling to look after myself and I don't think I would be able to look after myself aswell as 2 young children whilst I feel like this

So no. He's not manipulating me, he's not controlling me, he's not nasty and he's not a bad dad.

He's just hurt me. It wasn't on purpose but it's happened. Everyone deserves to be happy and regardless of what you all think he is actually a really nice guy.

(I found out he had a gf when I got with him, he was chatting up other girls and going to his ex's house on sly)

He is manipulating you. He did not have to tell you until he was ready too leave.

He has chosen ALL of this. Yes it was on purpose No he is not a nice guy he is a liar.
He says you make him feel bad by being upset that he haas destroyed you? That is manipulating you.

Wake up

Can you not see everyone is saying the same thing to you?

All these women are understanding the situation wrongly?

I mean this kindly, you're in denial about who this man and is and his motives.

If you need someone to talk to, please call Samaritans (UK and ROI).
They are a 24 hour, anonymous helpline and are there to listen. They've helped my a number of times when I've been at my lowest and just needed an impartial shoulder to cry on.

Their phone number is: 116 123

It's free to call xxx

"He did not have to tell you until he was ready too leave."

Tell me what? I found out about the stuff at the beginning of our relationship a couple of months after the relationship started. We've been perfectly strong since then.

Ready to leave? Ready to leave where? Nobody is ready for anything. We have alot to prepare for as we both need to find new homes.

He told me as soon as he knew how he was feeling.

Your ready between the lines and there's no need to.

Its black and white. He isn't in love with me anymore - hr can't help that. He isn't a serial cheat. Our relationship has been good until now - so for all of you to accuse him of crap that's not true is just upsetting.

Far Fetched Friday...

Look, your dd is 4 months old. You are a mum with two very young children and he chooses now to follow his dick dreams and do what he needs to do to be happy.

Christ on a bike op, it's all about him, why can't you see that? Even though he's the reason you're crying, he still manages to re-focus the attention on himself by telling you that you crying really upsets him because he didn't mean to hurt you. Poor little lamb, he's just a sensitive guy. In between fathering children and eyeing up new women, he really just looking for happiness.

Anyway, you don't want to hear any of that but what I will say is that your kids need you. They really need you.

Please stop worrying about this man and look after yourself.

This is one of the reasons I only really feel sad for people when they marry their 'first love' from a young age. They have a teenage view of acceptable relationships. you cant see how disgusting his actions are or how normal people should act in relationships.

You're making it sound like he's doing you a favour by parenting his own kids. The reason he's looking after them right now while you're sobbing your heart out is because of a situation of his own creation.
He isn't the great father you think he is: for one he should've gone and got his court order over his first child. Would you let anyone get in the way of access to your children? Of course not. And secondly, a good father does not treat the mother of his child this way. It is emotional torture. And yes, he can help it. He would be much more blameless if he sat you down and said 'I'm so sorry I'm not in love anymore but I will see you right' and then moved out straightway. Instead, he's had to put you through the pain of a potential new woman on the horizon, he's still living in the family home that he is no longer committed to....oh, the scales will fall from your eyes eventually. When they do, you will find it much easier to move on as you'll not want him anywhere near you.
And yes, it gets easier. That I promise you

You say he can’t help his feelings. But that’s what adults do; especially adults in long term, committed relationships with kids. If we notice there’s a temptation from Bob at the office, or Sue at the bat or Les on the checkout we make the effort to avoid that temptation. When we notice the spark has died down a bit at home with the other half, as it does in long term serious relationships, a committed and good partner doesn’t bail, they bring back the romance and the spark.

You say you’ve had no time alone, you made the effort to create that time and he blew you off because of this girl. When was the last time he organised a babysitter and took you out for a drink/meal/coffee/stroll in the park? When did he last put the kids to bed and cook a romantic meal for just you two? When did he last bring you flowers just because?

I think you’ve had a lucky escape. Don’t let him walk over you any more.

Find a new place and take the kids there. Ask for child maintenance. Look into what you’re entitled to as a single mother. Find a support system of friends and family. And (big one this) ask him to take the kids twice a week and start using that time for you. Go out with friends. Go on dates (I know you don’t want to right now but you’re young, it’s nice to feel attractive and desired, you can skip home early if you don’t reciprocate the feeling and you aren’t having fun). Go and learn something. It doesn’t really maybe what you do as long as it’s not staying home alone moping. Let him know you have plans that don’t include him.

It’s good for your kids to see their strong, confident mum conquer the world. A split won’t destroy them, it will become the new normal. How you move forward will define this for them much more.

BlancheM - You don't know him at all, for you to say he's not a good dad is an absolute joke.

You can't judge him on his parenting skills when you know nothing about them.

I'm the mother to his children, I think if anyone has the right to judge - it's me. I know 100000% he is a brilliant dad.

OP I understand where you are coming from and why you are getting frustrated with the responses. I think you are mature and a lovely person. Don't feel bad that you don't hate your ex. The way that most women are encouraged to find their "strength" in breakups is to get very angry and start demonizing their exes for all sorts. You see it on here all the time. Even when there's no real reason to do so.

The reality is that I don't think your ex is a bad guy. I think this all just happened too young. I mean even him 'cheating on you" - you were both teenagers - but because of the baby it's too real. People are arguing he has some responsibility to stick around even if he doesn't think it's going to work out - ridiculous. Most "teenage first loves" don't work out. They just don't.

What I suggest though is that you use this time to really build up a good support network other than your ex. I'm not saying he's a bad guy but over time it might be difficult for him to be your primary support. He might get a new gf. It might get awkward. Do you have friends or family you can talk to? Do you work or study? Hobbies?

And make sure you take care of yourself. it's okay to be a little bit selfish and guard your own feelings and your own heart. Dont' feel obligated to spend time with him or put him first when it hurts you. You don't have to hate him or demonize him to take care of yourself.

Ihatethis1

People on the thread are making stuff up about him because they want you to hate him. They think it will help you to be strong. Some people derive strength from that. I personally don't.

The most important thing to understand is that being empathetic and kind doesn't mean it's wrong to take care of yourself. Your children need you healthy and well and you deserve to be happy with someone who chooses you and takes care of you. I know you trust your ex but for your sanity you need to distance yourself a bit from him and build up other support.

You sound awesome and I'm sorry this has happened to you.

I think he's not ready for marriage. The bad thing was telling you about the engagement ring.

I can see you being saddled with the kids all the time...so I would stress how you need him to have them too... including overnights in the week.

They aren't in school yet..so he can do that. It gives you a break and time to go out and meet others.

If you're going to coparent it's pointless being angry and bitter. That won't help and it's not good for the kids.

I think he's done the right thing in letting you go... I just can't believe he didn't think it through before buying the ring.

That's incredibly hurtful.

No-ones making anything up. We've just all heard it before sadly. I wish someone had told me to wake up a bit when I was told by my cheating ex that he had only been seeing the ow (teenager!) for 2 weeks. He had been seeing her for 6 months.

As the mother of his kid his ex will also be a good judge of his character as having his kids bestows that.

Apparently she doesn't rate his parenting.

Was she ever in your shoes? Your original post says yes she was being fucked about by him because (despite their child) he was shagging you behind her back or 'kindly' forcing her to accept it because he's a nice honest guy.

But you now deny that he would do that and claim he is a great dad. The best!

Someone is lying no matter how offended you are by it.

No-one is reading between the lines as your words paint a very clear picture.

I agree with vuri

You were children when you fell in love. Both of you. Keep being empathetic; keep being positive; keep being kind. That is how the future will look best for all of you.

Sausage101
No-ones making anything up. We've just all heard it before sadly. I wish someone had told me to wake up a bit when I was told by my cheating ex that he had only been seeing the ow (teenager!) for 2 weeks. He had been seeing her for 6 months.

I guess if this guy fucks a teenager then that experience will be relevant. But unless you wanna make that up too, it didn't happen.

Bitterness isn't the only source of strength women can have.

First of all I'd like to say sorry to all the women who are slating your kids dad, they've clearly been hurt and are under the impression that all males are the same (they're not). And yet refuse to believe that women are capable of using their children as a weapon - like his ex, saying he's not a good dad because some (probably jealous, callous) 'Mother' decides to be god and prevent the child from having a father in its life, It would be totally different if he was stopping her seeing the kid though, he'd be the shit dad still so there's no winning in that scenario.

If you say he's a good dad, then believe that he is, if you know he's going to be there for your kids no matter what, then believe that he will. Stay positive, stay strong, and stay amicable. It's all too easy to get sucked in to the hating game, or the demonizing game as seen on here.

You do need to put some space between you, and it sounds like he's trying to help with that by offering those things, if he would genuinely stay in his car to make sure you and the kids got a house - he does sound like a decent human being. Not many would do the same. It's going to hurt now but once you have your kids in your own house and realise that they come first as you are their world - this will be a memory.

If he will support you and your children, and would rather go without so that they were looked after well, then let him do that, if he says he will have your children half the week or whatever then believe it if you know he's the dad he says he is.

Your kids need their mom, you are their absolute universe, you're beautiful and amazing inside and out, time is a great healer and you need to stay positive. If it's meant to be, it'll be, so just let it be.

Much love ❤️

He talked and talked about this ring but did you ever see it?

He seems to have very shallow and fleeting emotion packaged up in this nice guy persona but him being the nice guy seems to his benefit.

He seems to make lots of promises he doesn't keep. Pathological liar perhaps? Sociopath?

Does he pay his ex, child maintenance for his other DC?

Have you actually sat down one on one with his ex and talked to her?

Do you have any sort of qualifications?

I think the best thing for you to do is follow up on the counselling and do the freedom programme. Sort things out for you and your children instead of leaving it to this flake you don't know if he will be around one day to the next. Get some training and a good career.

Please stop sleeping with him and don't let yourself get pregnant by him again.

As for him not being able to control who you fall for. Yes, you can. We do control ourselves every day. We have societal and social norms and values most of us stick to. Most of us follow the traffic signals. When we go to the shops, we pay for the things we buy. If we see something we like, we just don't take it because we want it. We don't just walk into random people's houses because we fell for that house. So yes, we do have control over ourselves.