Wants to get engaged 2 weeks later calls it all off

[Ihatethis1]

I'm 24 (F) - I have a son (nearly 3) and a daughter (4 months)

I met my partner when I was 15, he's was 16. He was the first person I'd ever been with, my first ever love. Basically we were together 4 years, but the relationship was childish and we weren't ready for a relationship. We parted ways and never spoke for a couple of years. Then we met back up and I instantly fell back in love, relationship was rocky at first (I found out he had a gf when I got with him, he was chatting up other girls and going to his ex's house on sly) I was pregnant at the time and I forgave all. Our relationship has been good since then hence the second child. The only bad thing I can say about our relationship is that we don't have much time to spend together as children are ALWAYS there. We don't have a great support network. But regardless, we have been good, haven't argued for years or anything.

A couple of days before Christmas he tells me he has bought an engagement ring online. Obviously I'm excited, happy, thinking my whole life has come together ☺️ then it comes a couple of days after Christmas and I asked him if it's nice and he said he loved it, it's really classy it will suit me etc.

He plans to take nye off work to spend with me and last minute he says 'fcuk this I'd rather be at work' and leaves. So I'm confused obviously.

Anyway, skip forward a week and he's telling me that hes met a customer at work who he has feelings for. He's done the decent thing by discussing this with me before doing anything rash

He said seeing the engagement ring has made him realise that he doesn't want to spend the rest of his life with me. He says he loves me but isn't in love with me and can't stop thinking about this girl. I don't know anything about this girl and I feel I would do anything to be her so he would love me again.

Now that doesn't make sense to me as he is telling me he has spoke to her twice apparently. But he knows alot about her and wants to take her on a date. He said she reminds him of the 21yo me (and the only thing that has changed is i've had 2 children to him and put on a few pound)

I'm absolutely devastated. I'm truly madly in love with this guy. We live together, we have 2 small children and I don't see the future without him in it. It's going to kill our eldest.

I just don't know what to do anymore. We are currently living together and he's being really nice to me, talking about the future and how he will help me find a house first with the kids and help pay towards it etc.

I have just give up hope. I don't see any future at all now, I'm just sat upstairs crying all the time and being sick - it's not nice for the kids to hear. I feel like everyone would just be better of without me.

All everyone keeps saying is that it doesn't add up, him leaving me for some girl he's spoke to twice. But I think it's more the fact that he has realised I'm not his forever person. This girl might/might not be - but he knows I'm definitely not.

I really am having horrible thoughts and I spoke to the doctors who advised I go to councilling but he's leaving for work in an hour and all I'm guna be thinking about is them together.

I'm angry, sad, heartbroken and have no one to talk to. I need help and don't know where to turn.

Crikey OP, you really see no wrong in this man! I lack words .

He’s such a brilliant guy that he bought an engagement ring (that you’ve never actually seen by the way) and dangled it in front of you...then cruelly snatched that dream away. That’s not nice. You don’t suddenly realise all the stuff he suddenly realised. He’s fooling you. Have you asked to see the ring? You do realise that normal men don’t actually tell the girl that they’ve purchased a ring. They show the ring when they propose. Right? You know that. He’s telling you lies. All of it is lies. That makes him a liar and not a nice person and my bets are that he’s been sleeping with other women the whole time you’ve been with him. You really need to go get yourself an STI check to make sure you are safe.
You’ve asked why should he be made to move out when he’s having feelings he can’t help. He can help his bad behaviour though. The way he’s acted about the ring. The way he’s acting around other women. Normal people have consequences. Why does he get to be different? It’s only with consequences that people learn how to be a decent person and how to treat people properly. What’s he learning? That you’ll be there regardless of what he does. That you are weak and will believe any old rubbish he says. So yes, he should be made to leave and sleep in his car or whatever so 1) he can feel consequences for his behaviour and 2) you can get strong without having to see him and get used to not being around him. You can live without him. He’s just one immature man. There are millions of people in this country OP. He doesn’t want or value or love you so you should want, value and love yourself. You really need a support system around you. Have you relied on him for friendship and support since you were 16 and not made any adult friends because you’ve been solely focused on him? I think you should make him leave immediately and focus on building yourself a friendship group. We can help you with ideas on how to do that if you need them?

He's offered to live in his car while he sorts out a new house for me and the kids and that he will sort himself out after. Obviously I'm never going to let that happen.

That's why he offered it.

There's all the assumptions again. Yes I seen the ring and stupidly I asked if I could try it on. I don't know why I do these things to myself, it just makes me hurt more.

I've never had a large friendship group, but I did have a few close friends - male and female - over the years they have just disappeared one by one but they have disappeared for good reason - so no, I won't try and build bridges with these people.

I would say I have 1 real friend, and when I tried to speak to her about it I just kind of got brushed off. Shes going through a divorce rn so she has her own problems.

For the last couple of years, it has been him who has solely dealt with all my shit and problems and he has been great support through everything. But now I feel I don't have any support at all.

I see my mam occasionally but when I tried talking to her about this she just turns it around on her self and starts crying and tbh it just feels like it adds to the problem.

I feel like I need someone to talk to and I don't have anyone. So I've come hear as a last resort as there is no appointments for councilling for a few weeks

We already spoke about more children and both agreed we didn't want anymore so that's not a worry. Neither is catching at STI because regardless of what you all think, he has been faithful. He's not some snake that goes sleeping about.

He's hurting about this situation aswell. I'm guessing not as much as me, as it's his choice. But it's still not nice for him

And yes he pays maintenance for his other Child, he pays more than he was asked for

That's the thing though, he actually not been horrible. He's been lovely about it all.

Wow

He's done a real number on you hasn't he?

He's a very very nasty narcissist

And you think he's lovely?

Just - wow

When I'm going through stuff, I am the type of person who needs someone to talk to, get some rashional advice. And tbh I don't feel much help from here whatsoever - more so because most people seem to be just jumping to conclusions and reading between the lines and giving advice based on that and not what's actually been said.

He doesn't have a great support network either. But he's not the type of person to talk about his problems anyway. But if he did want to - he'd have his group of bouncer friends who's response would more than likely be 'do what makes you happy, plus your getting a pretty new girl wheyyy' he has his mam who'd probably say 'you need to be happy, so do whatever makes you happy but be careful' and his dad who will probably say 'go try make yourself happy, but I think your throwing away something good'

(obviously I don't know what they would say for definite - that's just my opinion on the thoughts of other people)

Regardless of what anybody says to him, it's not going to make him change the way he's thinking. Only he knows what's going on in his head and only he knows how he feels. He needs to put himself first and I get that.

Also in reply to his ex. Yes I have sat down and talked to her. On a personal note, through mediation, through family.

But she is all kinds of messed up. She uses the child as a weapon as she knows that's how she can hurt him.

She is a compulsive liar, she has tried to spread rumours about me, she poision the child's mind against his dad. For example 'daddy's having another baby so he doesn't love you anymore - just mammy loves you'

She is nasty peice of work, Her and her family are horrible people. When I was 38 weeks pregnant her mother had thrown a drink over him and tried to attack me (all in front of my 2yo)

Yes I'm hurting atm because I still love him, but he's been through enough shit and maybe he can't deal with it anymore and this is his way of coping? Like i say, you don't know what's going on in someone's head.

Ok, he’s lovely, he’s amazing. Nobody will tell you different.

Has it crossed your mind that his main drive for joint custody might be that he won’t have to pay you any money. He will be able to keep his earnings and you will have to survive on benefits or a low paid job.

This will play out in one of two ways. It will either work out for with him and this new woman (and he’ll probably get her pregnant too) and you’ll find out that he was full of false promises of help and really he doesn’t give a fuck or it will fail with new woman, he’ll come back to you with apologies, true love declarations etc and then a little while down the line he’ll do it again.

You need him out of the house so you can think about what YOU want (yes, I know you want him but you need to plan a future for you without him). You can parent your children without him whilst this happens. They would force you to be stronger.

I’m not saying you have to hate him. Maybe he is a good guy but for your own self respect, please don’t facilitate him starting a new relationship whilst still living with you. If nothing else, that is totally unacceptable and this good guy should see that.

Get him out, look after your kids and move forward.

OP, your approach to the parenting situation is to be admired, you're right that you don't want any conflicts or issues with the father of your children.

However, you need to recognise your own value and stop gushing about this man and what will make him happy.

He's being nice now but he's just feeling guilty and overcompensating. All these arrangements and statements are just to stop you from waking up and smelling the bullshit. He's getting exactly what he wants from this situation. But he's manipulative. Suggesting he lives in his car? Nah. He'll stay in the house because he knows he can keep sleeping on your sofa while dating this girl. Best of both worlds then.

You need to remember you are worthy and your children really need your strength, just focus on being the wonderful woman and mother you can be, without this man propping you up. You can be an effective co-parent and be firm at the same time. You're so eager to facilitate his own fairy tale ending you're not even thinking of yourself.

And tbh I don't feel much help from here whatsoever - more so because most people seem to be just jumping to conclusions and reading between the lines and giving advice based on that and not what's actually been said.

I can promise you that my comment did not involve any jumping

You have been brainwashed and gaslighted by your partner and you seem unable to see what he's doing to you

It's impossible I change people unless they want to change

The only thing one can do is put up with it or leave

Therefore, I'm leaving this thread as , respectfully, you do not seem to want to change your perception of your partner.

Good luck

Is this man the second coming of Christ?

Or are you just unbelievably gullible?

Sorry OP but I have to agree with PPs. He's totally done a number on you, you're still very much in love and can't see it yet. It's a matter of time. Also no one ends their long term relationship over someone they've seen only twice. He's the savvy one here and working it out all to his best advantage. He's being tactical, please reread the messages when it's less raw.

He sounds manipulative and just plain awful.

There are no excuses for the way he's behaved. You need to wake up or he will continue to manipulate you.

But he's not ending it for this girl.

Hes ending it for me and for himself. Its not fair for him to be stuck in a relationship that he's not happy in. He's ended it because its not fair if he stays with me when I love him and it's not the same the other way around.

He's even said I deserve better, I deserve someone to love me the way I love them. And he's right.

Hi, I've read through your posts and I agree, I am of the same mind as you, he can't help it if he has feelings for someone else, and he can't help it if his feelings for you have changed.

However he does have control over whether he does anything about them. You're saying you trust completely that he hasn't acted on them. If that's the case, then that's admirable and I frankly can't see how else he could have dealt with it other than talking to you about it.

You both have control over how you move forward though. If nothing has happened is he not open to trying to get things back on track? It won't come quickly but does he feel it's really not worth trying for keeping his family together and potentially finding the love he once had again?

If not... Being in his company seems to be causing a lot of anguish for you. Is there not someone he can stay with, if not long term, for a week or so to give you some space? A friend or colleague or anything? I'm sure there must be someone who would let him stay on a sofa for a week. Being in the house together must be constantly confronting for you. You're not going to heal in a week but it would give you time to dust yourself off a bit and get some headspace without him. Then when he returns sit down and formulate a timeline for the separation, a plan and stick to it. So you have an end date. And something to work towards where you know you can start moving on.

Needsomebottle - thank you.

He spoke to me about it and said we are worth trying for, so he said next time he sees this girl that he will just tell her to go away as he's at work and not there to talk. (she doesn't know how he feels)

But a couple of days past and although we were still in a relationship, I can see its not in him. When I look in his eyes I know he's not thinking of me. I asked him if he's still thinking about her and he broke down and said he can't stop, he's so sorry he doesn't mean to hurt me.

The way I put it was 'well your saying you still love me, but your leaving me for someone you might or might not even like'
And he said he knows it sounds bad - but even if things don't work out with her - it's made him realise he's not in love with me anymore. We both deserve better than that

However he does have control over whether he does anything about them. You're saying you trust completely that he hasn't acted on them. If that's the case, then that's admirable and I frankly can't see how else he could have dealt with it other than talking to you about it.

Good point.
It's not been unheard of for people to realise they 'do' love their partner after all. ( usually when they have burnt all their bridges)
It takes effort but it does happen.
But in all cases it means you have to build yourself up and focus on yourself too.
Doing what you need and want to fill yourself up and be happy.
How many times have we read on here, as soon as the women starts to get her self together, building a new life, starts being happy without ex, he back, in love and begging to be taken back.
You don't have to be mean but you do have to have self respect. Men find this very attractive.

And tbh I don't feel much help from here whatsoever - more so because most people seem to be just jumping to conclusions and reading between the lines and giving advice based on that and not what's actually been said.

People are giving you advice based on what you have said and on their own experiences. We all read between the lines. You wanted people to reply and say how great he is but he actually isn't. You can't see that as you are in denial. People are taking time out of their day to try and help you, please listen to what they are saying.

A PP mentioned about 50/50 custody to be sure he doesn't pay you any money, I suspect you have completely dismissed that idea, saying in your head 'he'd never do that, he would do it as he loves his kids'. While you think like that and not with the cool head of protecting yourself and your children, he could easily screw you over and by the time you realised you've been played, there'll be nothing you can do about it. How do I know? Because I've been there, as have many others. 'I'll look after you blah blah blah', you believe them and then later on is when you realise how naïve and foolish you were. I remember sitting in the benefits office explaining my situation and I finished the explanation with 'I trusted him'. The woman just looked at me and said with sympathy 'Well that was stupid, wasn't it.' I've never forgotten that.

He's told you it's over so you need to stop thinking about him and his 'happiness' and put you and your children front and centre of the all decisions made.

The children are coming first.

He has tried to do the same for his other Child, even when he got in a relationship with mr and had kids with me. He has had to fight to see his son and he hasn't and wouldn't give up. He will be there for his children no matter what. I'm sorry you've personally had a bad experience with this but I've seen him first hand break down and fight for his kid.

I'm not going to put him in that position, he will never have to fight to see them and as long as he fully provides for them when he has them - then I won't take money of him. thats the way it should be.

To be honest I think he probably needs space as much as you. He said he wanted to try, then couldn't get her out of his head. That's because she is not there, and you are. So be the one who isn't there.

Get the space. Tell him he needs to stay with a friend for a week. Tell him you need to space to get your head round things. That you don't want to hear from him by text etc. Make arrangements before for when he will see the kids (like the old days pre mobile - it's possible!) so you get as much distance as possible. Don't beg for another chance, just keep it simple that you want space. Maybe a bit for him will make him realise he doesn't want to throw it all away. Maybe it won't too. But at least you won't have to see him all the time which is never going to help you move on. And you won't move on in a week but where you both are at the moment, moving around each other, seeing each other, you feeling devastated, him feeling guilty for bringing that on, it's not healthy and you can't get any perspective. It's nice that you credit his good points but you need to look after yourself. If you're home alone with the children you'll have to just carry on, and that will show you the inner mummy strength I'm sure you have!

Op, when you said you spilt up previously and you didn't speak for a couple of years did he still see your DS during that time??

We split up before we had kids. Didn't keep in touch at all, both got in new relationships and thats when he had a child with his then partner at the time.

Oh my goodness PP, no one is making things up.
OP, I've given an opinion based on the info you've given. That's the idea isn't it? I didn't say he is a crap dad, but he isn't the amazing father you believe he is. He just isn't. For the reasons I gave you and others have also pointed out to you. People are speaking from experience, and are empathising with you.