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Original poster

Wants to get engaged 2 weeks later calls it all off

191 replies

Ihatethis1 · 11/01/2019 20:48

I'm 24 (F) - I have a son (nearly 3) and a daughter (4 months)

I met my partner when I was 15, he's was 16. He was the first person I'd ever been with, my first ever love. Basically we were together 4 years, but the relationship was childish and we weren't ready for a relationship. We parted ways and never spoke for a couple of years. Then we met back up and I instantly fell back in love, relationship was rocky at first (I found out he had a gf when I got with him, he was chatting up other girls and going to his ex's house on sly) I was pregnant at the time and I forgave all. Our relationship has been good since then hence the second child. The only bad thing I can say about our relationship is that we don't have much time to spend together as children are ALWAYS there. We don't have a great support network. But regardless, we have been good, haven't argued for years or anything.

A couple of days before Christmas he tells me he has bought an engagement ring online. Obviously I'm excited, happy, thinking my whole life has come together ☺️ then it comes a couple of days after Christmas and I asked him if it's nice and he said he loved it, it's really classy it will suit me etc.

He plans to take nye off work to spend with me and last minute he says 'fcuk this I'd rather be at work' and leaves. So I'm confused obviously.

Anyway, skip forward a week and he's telling me that hes met a customer at work who he has feelings for. He's done the decent thing by discussing this with me before doing anything rash

He said seeing the engagement ring has made him realise that he doesn't want to spend the rest of his life with me. He says he loves me but isn't in love with me and can't stop thinking about this girl. I don't know anything about this girl and I feel I would do anything to be her so he would love me again.

Now that doesn't make sense to me as he is telling me he has spoke to her twice apparently. But he knows alot about her and wants to take her on a date. He said she reminds him of the 21yo me (and the only thing that has changed is i've had 2 children to him and put on a few pound)

I'm absolutely devastated. I'm truly madly in love with this guy. We live together, we have 2 small children and I don't see the future without him in it. It's going to kill our eldest.

I just don't know what to do anymore. We are currently living together and he's being really nice to me, talking about the future and how he will help me find a house first with the kids and help pay towards it etc.

I have just give up hope. I don't see any future at all now, I'm just sat upstairs crying all the time and being sick - it's not nice for the kids to hear. I feel like everyone would just be better of without me.

All everyone keeps saying is that it doesn't add up, him leaving me for some girl he's spoke to twice. But I think it's more the fact that he has realised I'm not his forever person. This girl might/might not be - but he knows I'm definitely not.

I really am having horrible thoughts and I spoke to the doctors who advised I go to councilling but he's leaving for work in an hour and all I'm guna be thinking about is them together.

I'm angry, sad, heartbroken and have no one to talk to. I need help and don't know where to turn.

OP posts:
Helmetbymidnight · 13/01/2019 12:13

You poor thing op Flowers this sounds really shit.
He’s 24, he’s got three kids and he’s walked/walking away from their mothers but he’s a great dad?
He likes a woman who reminds him of you before you became a mother but he’s a great dad?
That’s not great, by any measure.

Let him go, op. One day, you’ll look back and realise he’s not all that.

Original poster
Ihatethis1 · 13/01/2019 12:20

Ino what your saying but even if he was a serial cheat etc (which he's not) that wouldn't make him any less of a parent. He is/will continue to be a brilliant dad regardless of what goes on in his relationships.

His own mam has just text me saying I'm perfect and that he is just thinking with his dick and not his brain and that he won't ever get anyone better than me 😊

OP posts:
loolooskip · 13/01/2019 12:26

But he knows alot about her and wants to take her on a date. He said she reminds him of the 21yo me

These were your words. Don't backtrack.

It doesn't matter what his mother thinks, HE doesn't seem to like or respect you much. Actions speak louder than words (although his words have been pretty awful too.)

I've been where you are. I've waited. I've hoped. I've sympathised. I had a very, very similar situation many years ago. He actually kept saying how he DID still love me. Just the butterflies had gone and he needed that.

He now has SEVEN kids with four different women.

Original poster
Ihatethis1 · 13/01/2019 12:31

Well more fool him for poping loads of extra kids out.

He has said straight up he doesn't want more kids - but if he does go on to do that then he's going to struggle.

I just feel sorry for your kids (and mine if the same thing were to happen) because the time spent with the father will need to be shared between that many kids and they will fight for attention which a child should never have to do 😕

OP posts:
OdeToDiazepam · 13/01/2019 12:42

It's his loss. I promise.

You can do better than this, you DESERVE someone who loves you for you and that will never change

OdeToDiazepam · 13/01/2019 12:44

Take the time out that you need for self care, tell yourself what I posted above.

Think of all the things you have, your children too, you can build a happy life without him. This bit is horrible, but stick it out and you'll be happier and better off without him. You can do it

AnotherEmma · 13/01/2019 13:18

GPs don't diagnose bipolar disorder.
It has to be diagnosed by a clinical psychologist or by a psychiatrist.

Helmetbymidnight · 13/01/2019 13:20

he is just thinking with his dick

Sign of a great father. Confused

Hollypink · 13/01/2019 13:21

Oh for goodness sake wake up WHEN he does move on to a new relationship of course he will have kids! He wants to be away from you and his hard life then fall madly in love get someone else pregnant in his loved up stage then move on to the next one when she's covered in baby sick and had bags under her eyes from being up every 4 hours and isn't fun anymore, you need to focus all those protective feeling you seem to have for him in to having a bit of respect for your self

Original poster
Ihatethis1 · 13/01/2019 13:22

Well I was with him at all his GP appointments and the GP diagnosed him with numerous medical problems - mental and physical and bipolar was one of them. The GP prescribed his medication and advised him to see a specialist team for support.

But yea that definitely happened. Maybe it's different where you live, but that's how it works around here.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ihatethis1 · 13/01/2019 13:33

Then he went to see the specialist team who changed his medication and confirmed that he definitely has bipolar.

Even the best father in the world might think with his dick. As long as it doesn't effect his kids life I don't see why that matters?

OP posts:
bluesaturday · 13/01/2019 13:38

Thank god for the hide button because reading threads like this with the OP not listening to anything anyone says is frustrating. I hope you pull your head out of the clouds soon OP.

Helmetbymidnight · 13/01/2019 13:42

Even the best father in the world might think with his dick. As long as it doesn't effect his kids life I don't see why that matters

Okayyyy. Maybe it won’t be until he’s walked away from the mothers of three more kids that you will finally recognise what an arse he is.

I hope your expectations for your ds are higher than they are for for your ex.

Helmetbymidnight · 13/01/2019 13:46

Op: as long as it doesn’t affect his kids life I don’t see why it matters.

Also Op: It's going to kill our eldest

Good luck op. I hope he doesn’t let down the kids as he has let you down. You can handle this.

Maelstrop · 13/01/2019 13:47

It's going to affect his kids because their mothers are going to be upset and he won't be loving with them. I wonder if actually his ex isn't such an abusive horrible bitch but is protecting herself and her son by keeping this idiot out of their lives.

goose1964 · 13/01/2019 13:57

All I can read is him and he, where's the I. This is as much as about you as him. Do you really want HIM with YOU whilst he's also seeing this woman? Start making yourself and the children your priority not him.

Robin2323 · 13/01/2019 14:01

Love addition.
Wanted the to feel the first flush of love - which never lasts.
Or immaturity and we all learn that without effort all relationship get into trouble.
You're still get butteries just not all the time.
There was a book I read in my early twenty's called :
Women who love too much.
By Robin Needwell.
There was an example of a woman like op.
(Don't think they had kids though)
The woman would do anything for dp but he carried in in his own sweet way.
One day she just 'enough' and went off to stay with friends in the next state.
She had reached her 'line'
In her head she was done.

This was the wake up call for dp.
For the first time the reality of losing gf hit him.

When you stand up for yourself
People respect you.
Otherwise it's more of the same.

Original poster
Ihatethis1 · 13/01/2019 14:07

Are you actually stupid?! People are telling me to grow up and your pathetic immature views on life are OK?

You can't expect for a couple to stay together if they aren't in love with each other just because they have kids.

Yes it will hurt the kids seeing a break up at first, going from one home to two. But they get used to it and they then get to see both parents living happy lives. Rather than living a lie and being miserable at home, the kids pick up on that.

THE CHILD NEVER NEEDS PROTECTING FROM HIS DAD. HIS DAD WOULD NEVER DO ANYTHING THAT WOULD HURT HIM.

People that play God with there children and use the child as a weapon and poision a child's mind for no other reason other than they are jealous, bitter, horrible people don't deserve to have their children. Its emotional abuse on the child. And they do it because they know it hurts the childs father.

And no parent in this world deserves not to see their children if all they have done is love for them and care for them.

If for example it was a dad stopping a mother from seeing a child, poisoning the mind of a child against the mother, I bet your views would be different.

We fought for women to have equal rights. So why should it be any different in this case.

OP posts:
Helmetbymidnight · 13/01/2019 14:14

Calm down op. No one is saying the kids mustn’t see their dad or should be used as a weapon or should be turned against him.

I’m not sure where/why you’re saying that.
And the op said he is immature not you.

Clearly you think it’s normal for a 24 yr old to have babies with no thoughts of a future with the mothers and to ask someone to marry them, then dump them because they suddenly met a non-parent who seems much more fun.
Most people do aspire to behave better than that.

Anyway, you’re the important one here- take care of yourself and try not to get sucked into his weird life.

vagan · 13/01/2019 14:16

Please read up on 'Stockholm syndrome' Op.

Original poster
Ihatethis1 · 13/01/2019 14:18

Maelstrop said 'wonder if actually his ex isn't such an abusive horrible bitch but is protecting herself and her son by keeping this idiot out of their lives'

That's what I'm referring to

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 13/01/2019 14:20

A good father is a man who treats the mother(s) of his children with respect, who considers whether he is meeting the needs of his existing ones before fathering new ones, and who considers the needs of his family and doesn't just "think with his dick".

HTH.

FlyingMonkeys · 13/01/2019 15:07

Brilliant, so his mum thinks you're fab and he'll not do better. Whilst he thinks a woman he's barely spoken to twice is a valid reason to leave his family... He said he'd tell her to go away? even though she knows nothing about it all I'm assuming if he said 'I've got 3 kids to two different women, and I bought an engagement ring for the mother of my 4mth old at Christmas, but then thought nah! You remind me of her at 21 pre kids and now she's 24'... The girl in question (Or any woman on the planet for that matter), would tell him to fuck off to the far end of beyond and not touch him with a 20ft pole.

calmsealife · 13/01/2019 15:07

I think the only stupid one in this is you OP, you can't see through the trees what kind of person he is. Casually dropping in conversation he likes somebody else, where is his remorse? The anger will kick in soon enough believe me.

loolooskip · 13/01/2019 15:54

Op if he cared about your feelings one tiny bit he would have said 'I don't love you, I'm moving out'. Not fucking told you about another woman.

He's either an uncaring, cold person or he's getting some kick out of telling you. Either makes him a bit of a cunt in my eyes. (And most people on this thread.)