Wants to get engaged 2 weeks later calls it all off

[Ihatethis1]

I'm 24 (F) - I have a son (nearly 3) and a daughter (4 months)

I met my partner when I was 15, he's was 16. He was the first person I'd ever been with, my first ever love. Basically we were together 4 years, but the relationship was childish and we weren't ready for a relationship. We parted ways and never spoke for a couple of years. Then we met back up and I instantly fell back in love, relationship was rocky at first (I found out he had a gf when I got with him, he was chatting up other girls and going to his ex's house on sly) I was pregnant at the time and I forgave all. Our relationship has been good since then hence the second child. The only bad thing I can say about our relationship is that we don't have much time to spend together as children are ALWAYS there. We don't have a great support network. But regardless, we have been good, haven't argued for years or anything.

A couple of days before Christmas he tells me he has bought an engagement ring online. Obviously I'm excited, happy, thinking my whole life has come together ☺️ then it comes a couple of days after Christmas and I asked him if it's nice and he said he loved it, it's really classy it will suit me etc.

He plans to take nye off work to spend with me and last minute he says 'fcuk this I'd rather be at work' and leaves. So I'm confused obviously.

Anyway, skip forward a week and he's telling me that hes met a customer at work who he has feelings for. He's done the decent thing by discussing this with me before doing anything rash

He said seeing the engagement ring has made him realise that he doesn't want to spend the rest of his life with me. He says he loves me but isn't in love with me and can't stop thinking about this girl. I don't know anything about this girl and I feel I would do anything to be her so he would love me again.

Now that doesn't make sense to me as he is telling me he has spoke to her twice apparently. But he knows alot about her and wants to take her on a date. He said she reminds him of the 21yo me (and the only thing that has changed is i've had 2 children to him and put on a few pound)

I'm absolutely devastated. I'm truly madly in love with this guy. We live together, we have 2 small children and I don't see the future without him in it. It's going to kill our eldest.

I just don't know what to do anymore. We are currently living together and he's being really nice to me, talking about the future and how he will help me find a house first with the kids and help pay towards it etc.

I have just give up hope. I don't see any future at all now, I'm just sat upstairs crying all the time and being sick - it's not nice for the kids to hear. I feel like everyone would just be better of without me.

All everyone keeps saying is that it doesn't add up, him leaving me for some girl he's spoke to twice. But I think it's more the fact that he has realised I'm not his forever person. This girl might/might not be - but he knows I'm definitely not.

I really am having horrible thoughts and I spoke to the doctors who advised I go to councilling but he's leaving for work in an hour and all I'm guna be thinking about is them together.

I'm angry, sad, heartbroken and have no one to talk to. I need help and don't know where to turn.

I have no words...

Well, yes I have actually.

He has done such a number on you!

Please, when all this is done, and he's walked away without a care in the world, will you please get yourself to a counsellor?
The shit you are accepting is beyond belief. Talking to someone neutral as you won't listen to us is an absolute necessity.

Op he doesn't love this other person, he loves the idea of them. Especially the phrase about how she reminds him of a younger you. What happens when the new one gets a bit older or changes a little bit?

He doesn't sound like he has very deep feelings, stay civil for the kids but move on from him (I know that sounds harsh and it takes a while for the shock to wear off) and be happy with yourself before you meet anyone else (I know you won't want to think about that but you are really young and have your whole life ahead of you.

He's shown you that he will drop you for someone new for very shallow reasons, you don't want to live a life worrying about that and trying to be something just for him.

Good luck. :)

I’m not going to argue with you about your partner, as you’ve clearly made your mind up. I hope you’re right about him, and I wish you well.
I’m more interested in the practical stuff.

Where are you going to live? Are you just waiting for him to find you a home? Might be a better idea to be pro-active and find somewhere yourself.

What are you going to do for money to live on? If he’s having the children 3 nights a week, he won’t be under any obligation to give you much in the way of maintenance. Also, if he’s paying rent on his own place, he’s not going to have much money left after he’s paid his bills anyway, unless he’s an extraordinarily well-paid bouncer.

It doesn’t sound like you are working just now. Have you worked recently? Are you qualified for a particular job? Would you be able to find and afford childcare if you got a job?

It’s all very well sitting upstairs crying, and telling us how truly wonderful your partner really is, but none of this is going to house you, or feed and clothe your children. What are your actual plans for how you’re going to live after the split?

relationship was rocky at first (I found out he had a gf when I got with him, he was chatting up other girls and going to his ex's house on sly) I was pregnant at the time and I forgave all.

I read he had Three of you on the go GF, Ex and You? as well as chatting up other girls while you were pregnant.

Is that what it says or am I reading it wrong? Who are you looking at when you see him? because you've described someone very different to the man you seem to insist he is.

I'm angry for you and so are a lot of the other posters.

I'm saddened by your absolute refusal to believe he's a wanker. A pp is right, you describe him as though you were writing a Mills and Boon, it's ridiculous and OTT.

He's not a nice person doing this to you. If he were nice-and yes- perhaps he can't help his feelings, but he is torturing you and that is totally deliberate. He's horrible to you and you're making out he's amazing. What a number he's done on you. 😢

OP you're not ready to do anything about this, so what is it you're asking Mumsnet exactly, because I'm confused ?

He’s been honest with you . That’s good .

It’s not about him treating you like this that’s the issue here , it’s about whether it’s right for you to have this man walking in and out of your life .

You deserve better than this . Be cool . Get yourself together and start planning a life without him in it.

If and when he comes running back after his next round of girlfriends or whatever , which I feel sure he will , you will be so damn independent , sophisticated and happy without him you will not want this part-timer hanging about ....

Honestly ... do you really want to spend the rest of your life stressing about whether he wants to be with you and what he’s getting up to ?

Don’t waste your life .. you can meet someone else who will never do this to you .. be brave and strong and end it with him for good ..x

I know you don’t want to dump him because you love him ... flaws and all .

Yes it is going to hurt if you end it with him and stop trying to get him back ... but it is better that then you waste another ten twelve years of your life chasing him , doing the on and off thing , and then he goes off with someone else anyway .

You are young ! You have your whole life ahead of you ! ! Go and have fun of your own and dump him .

Bloody hell, never has the saying 'The grass is always greener on the other side' been more true.

You're right that he can't help it if he's fallen out of love with you but how bloody nasty of him to tell you that this new girl reminds him of you when you were younger!!! That is not the action of a lovely person!

You are in absolute denial right now but one day you'll see it but right now, he has got you just where he wants you. He's got you crying over him upstairs and a free ticket to go and shag whoever he likes.

You need to wake up my girl and kick him out so that you can start to heal.
The grass will always be greener on the other side to him and he'll just carry on moving from partner to partner and probably leaving a trail of babies on the way.

Wake up!!!!

Oh sweetheart, you sound so lovely. He may be a great father, but he isn’t a great partner. In the space of four months after giving birth (when a women is most vulnerable) he has told you he wants to marry you and then told you that he actually can’t spend his whole life with you and is not in love with you. Can you see how cruel that is?

Not only that, it’s a woman he’s only seen a couple of times and barely knows! That’s lust/a crush. We all get it, we don’t act on it, we don’t ruin our relationship/lives/children’s lives on the basis of it.

Men do typically begin very nice at the start of this kind of break up. They feel shit and guilty, but it doesn’t stop them pursuing greener pastures. Was the women he cheated on when he meet you again the mother of his son? If so, I certainly can understand why she is mad and angry.

I know you feel people have been mean about your ex here, but it’s because they are worried about you being hurt - you’re so young and vulnerable and you seem really kind and considerate, and actually a great Mum. Many of us have been in your position and as time has gone on, we realise the situation isn’t what our DPs have actually said. They actually didn’t care about us, and we’ve been incredibly hurt. People just don’t want to see you in this position. They see a young beautiful girl who is actually being told by a man that they new person than fancy remind them of what you used to be like. Sweetie, that is so incredibly insulting. You have such an amazing life before you, and they want to tell you you can do it. I guess like we would if you were our dds. Sending you strength - you can do this

No he broke up with his babys mam when she was abusive to him during pregnancy.
He had met someone else in town after his first son was born - he had only known this other girl a couple of weeks (he said they weren't properly seeing each other but she said different)

Abut a year and a half ago, he told me he loves me but doesn't want to be with me and he doesn't know why. He ended up going to the doctors and being told he has bipolar - this was all at the same time he hadn't seen his other Child for a few months.

How do I know it's not just this happening again, that he has other stuff going on in life rn as he hasn't seen his son for a few months again, maybe he doesn't know how to deal with it and his way is pushing everyone away.

I've asked him this, that maybe his mental health conditions are just putting a haze in his head and he needs to get that haze cleared before he knows what he actually wants

I've told him that I'm fine with him not being with me, but he needs to go back to doctors to see if they can help and sort his situation out with his son before he makes any rash decision. Weather that be with me or this other girl.

He's has agreed that's the right thing to do - for everybody involved. He needs to focus on himself rn and if he gets involved with this other girl whilst feeling like this, I won't last anyway because he's not in the right frame of mind.

He has said it's not so much that she reminds him of the 21yo me, it's more the feeling he had when I was 21. And I asked what he meant by that and he said he'd rather not say because he doesn't want to upset me. So I asked if he means 'butterflies in tummy, lump in throat, heartbeating out of chest kind of feelings' and he didn't answer - just looked at floor. So that's a yes.

It would be nice for the doctors to say - he needs new medicine and once that kicks in for him to realise he was wrong about all of this and his mind has just messed up - that actually he is in love with me. I'm not counting on that happening however just purely based on how he feels about this other girl.

Also im not just going to take him back forever like alot of you think. I'm in the process of trying to find a new house, and once we move there's no going back because regardless of how I feel - it's not fair on the kids.

That sounded wrong - he's not going to doctors to get help seeing his son I meant he needs to get his health sorted out - and he needs to get his son back in his life permanently (obviously seperate issues)

I suspect he has cheated on you with this girl, and bought the ring out of guilt and in order to attempt to get back on track.

I also suspect that all of his promises will disappear as his guilt wears off and his new relationship flourishes.

Maybe he will pay for you to pass your driving test, help you to set up a new home and parent 50/50 from his new home in the same village as you. We will see soon enough won't we, I really really hope so.

My advice then would be to take action sooner rather than later, while he still feels guilty, while he's still offering. If things are amicable now, why rock the boat. Book a course of driving lessons and ask him to pay for them. Give notice on your current place and look for somewhere else, two separate homes. Let him see the reality of what he has promised and begin to put it all into place.

Are you ok financially? Able to return to work full time soon, aware of any benefit entitlement? As 50/50 parents he can claim certain benefits too of course.

Sorry only just saw your latest update.

The butterflies doesn't last. If he's one of those men always pursuing that then he's got an unhappy life ahead. Thank goodness you found out now. I know you're sad but you'll be so much happier in the long run.

He needs to focus on himself. I bet he does.

Please work to improve your self esteem. You should be very angry with this sorry excuse of a man.

Just a slightly different perspective. Having young children is really hard. I've got a friend who is in similar situation but her dh did cheat. He's now not sure if he wants to try and make their marriage work. This time of life is relentless and the appeal of life without children can be very tempting. Ultimately he will either be the bigger person and commit to you and make it work or he won't. If it's the latter you have to let him go and build a better life for you and your family. Blaming him doesn't help but you can still be angry that he won't put the effort required to make a relationship with his family works. Because it does take effort!!

im guessing you pretend you're going through nothing to people you know. I bet the ones that do know your issues don't support investing in him. sounds like you are lost but want to believe a lie. you've turned to mumsnet but no one is giving you what you want.
im going to take another crack. have you heard about mind control cults? read about how the leader of these cults end up popular and the techniques they use to control you. the cult leader is usually a psychopath that ruins the lives of his followers. they are charismatic, charming and appear innocent but they suck you dry. leaving such a leader is difficult. read about this and you will hopefully realise the vulnerability in you that let him in.
fix your psychological issues that are making you STUCK. reinvent your life. keep moving. life has to happen for issues to be resolved. why are you in the waiting place? forget about the love of your life stories inspired by Hollywood that you tell yourself. first build YOUR life. be stable yourself. build meaningful friendships. date. forget about him. sounds more like a bruised ego wanting to salvage this messy relationship with a narcissistic guy

He isn't some nasty or( nice) controlling person. I'm aware of how cult leaders work and he's nothing like that. What makes you think I'm controlled in the slightlest?! What makes you think my mind has been poisoned?!? Thats not the case!

OP this guy is 24/25 years old, very immature and has a diagnosed mental health condition (Bi-Polar). I understand that you love him but he will never be able to be the partner you need. He seems to be in Limerance with someone he’s just met and he’s prioritizing that over and above his long term partner and family. It’s certifiably crazy! You are allowing him to behave in such a way that he knows if he just butters you up a bit, you will forgive him and take him back. He’s clearly got the gift of the gab. But he is gaslighting you beyond belief! I wouldn’t believe for a second he hasn’t been sleeping with other women behind your back.
The best thing you can do now is build up your self confidence. You are stuck in a mindset that is making you think you don’t deserve any better. For the sake of yourself and your children get rid of him and focus on yourself and your children. You deserve better! You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. You have a 4 month old baby and a toddler who need their mum. You don’t need this stress and headfuckery!

Why ask people for their opinions? From reading the thread you don't seem to want any opinion that goes against what you already think? I'm not sure what you want from people, what do you want people to say?

FUCK ME! He has done an absolutely blinding number on you.

Reality:

1 I'd bet good money he's already slept with her and that she's far from the first! Bouncers are NOTORIOUS for cheating and you already know he has in the past.

2 stop falling for his emotional manipulating (frankly abusive!) bollocks! 'I'll live in my car if you want me to leave' aye right! He's got a job, presumably parents nearby? Is he fuck gonna live in his car! He knows you're soft as melting butter and you won't call his bluff - YOU SHOULD!

3 go to Drs for the depression you're clearly suffering - caused by him!

4 get your "ducks in a row" collect up all financial and legal documents & put in a safe place including copies of his wage slips and your tenancy, bank statements, kids passports & birth certificates. (Is he on the birth certificates?). Do you normally work and are on mat leave or are you a sahm? Either way check what you'd be eligible for benefits wise when he leaves. Do you have any joint accounts with him?

5 don't depend on him behaving reasonably after you split.

People in relationships are occasionally attracted to others that's just biology. BUT doing something about it IS a choice.

"He has a 4 year old with someone else and he has fought and fought to see his child but the mother is an arsehole to put it nicely. One month he's allowed, the next he's not.. I will not put him through that." This is presumably the woman he was with when he got back with you? Despite your claims otherwise the timing just doesn't ring true. So he cheated on a pregnant/just given birth woman and you're slagging HER? When you were the OW (albeit unwittingly)? GROW UP!!

He's being "nice" so

1 You won't throw him out
2 You'll bend over backwards over contact
3 You won't pursue maintenance (even if he doesn't actually have 50/50 contact
4 You won't give him a "hard time"

5 he'll still get the odd shag off you (I'm assuming you're still having sex)

Wow! His plans for working a day job AND having 50/50 care how the hell is that going to work? There really aren't many jobs at all let alone ones as flexible as he'd need with a baby and pre-schooler! Is he going to pay for childcare when he's working and they're supposed to be on his time?

Was bipolar diagnosed by GP? Has he been seen by proper mental health professionals? Is he medicated (not clear from what you’ve said). I don’t know that much about bipolar, but my dsis and Bil have it. bil would do something like this during a manic phase. Is this what is happening? (Doesn’t excuse it).

Yes it was diagnosed by GP, I don't know if that's what's happening. Something similar happened before during a manic phase - but no other females were involved then.

I know he isn't taking medicine because he feels it doesn't help and he has been fine with out it (well keeping it under control to some extent)

Graphista-
You can't say he cheated because if the job he does. That's so stereotypical.

He isn't manipulating me

I went to doctors, cried my eyes out - explained what happened - GP who told me I don't have depression - what I'm feeling is normal for the chappy hand I have been dealt.

& we are split, he is acting reasonably and will continue to do so - he still acts reasonably with his ex even after everything she always put him through.

I don't need to throw him out, we are both looking for our own places. He has a right to see his kids as much as I do. If I don't take maintenance of him, he will put it in bank accounts for the kids so it's not about saving money for himself. I don't need to give him a hard time, whats that going to help? I'm going through a hard time and he needs to be strong for the kids he is taking care of & we aren't sleeping together.

Not JUST because of the job! His own actions make it pretty bloody likely!

Also I don't think a GP has any business dx someone with bipolar and not referring them to a psychiatrist. It's a serious and complex condition and difficult to treat.