Wants to get engaged 2 weeks later calls it all off

[Ihatethis1]

I'm 24 (F) - I have a son (nearly 3) and a daughter (4 months)

I met my partner when I was 15, he's was 16. He was the first person I'd ever been with, my first ever love. Basically we were together 4 years, but the relationship was childish and we weren't ready for a relationship. We parted ways and never spoke for a couple of years. Then we met back up and I instantly fell back in love, relationship was rocky at first (I found out he had a gf when I got with him, he was chatting up other girls and going to his ex's house on sly) I was pregnant at the time and I forgave all. Our relationship has been good since then hence the second child. The only bad thing I can say about our relationship is that we don't have much time to spend together as children are ALWAYS there. We don't have a great support network. But regardless, we have been good, haven't argued for years or anything.

A couple of days before Christmas he tells me he has bought an engagement ring online. Obviously I'm excited, happy, thinking my whole life has come together ☺️ then it comes a couple of days after Christmas and I asked him if it's nice and he said he loved it, it's really classy it will suit me etc.

He plans to take nye off work to spend with me and last minute he says 'fcuk this I'd rather be at work' and leaves. So I'm confused obviously.

Anyway, skip forward a week and he's telling me that hes met a customer at work who he has feelings for. He's done the decent thing by discussing this with me before doing anything rash

He said seeing the engagement ring has made him realise that he doesn't want to spend the rest of his life with me. He says he loves me but isn't in love with me and can't stop thinking about this girl. I don't know anything about this girl and I feel I would do anything to be her so he would love me again.

Now that doesn't make sense to me as he is telling me he has spoke to her twice apparently. But he knows alot about her and wants to take her on a date. He said she reminds him of the 21yo me (and the only thing that has changed is i've had 2 children to him and put on a few pound)

I'm absolutely devastated. I'm truly madly in love with this guy. We live together, we have 2 small children and I don't see the future without him in it. It's going to kill our eldest.

I just don't know what to do anymore. We are currently living together and he's being really nice to me, talking about the future and how he will help me find a house first with the kids and help pay towards it etc.

I have just give up hope. I don't see any future at all now, I'm just sat upstairs crying all the time and being sick - it's not nice for the kids to hear. I feel like everyone would just be better of without me.

All everyone keeps saying is that it doesn't add up, him leaving me for some girl he's spoke to twice. But I think it's more the fact that he has realised I'm not his forever person. This girl might/might not be - but he knows I'm definitely not.

I really am having horrible thoughts and I spoke to the doctors who advised I go to councilling but he's leaving for work in an hour and all I'm guna be thinking about is them together.

I'm angry, sad, heartbroken and have no one to talk to. I need help and don't know where to turn.

You seem like a really big hearted woman. You are definitely being kinder about this man than it seems he deserves to am outsider. But things are always much less black and white inside a relationship. Someone can be totally lovely but also a completely selfish git.

What I feel is that he’s not one to stick around. This day would always have come. You’re very young. You have so much time to find someone who will love you the way you deserve and stay by your side. My husband left when my kids were 3 and 5. It has been tough at times, I won’t lie! But I’ve survived. And now I’m with someone who really really cares and I’m like ‘oh, that’s what it feels like to be loved’!

He has a 4 year old with someone else and he has fought and fought to see his child but the mother is an arsehole to put it nicely. One month he's allowed, the next he's not.. I will not put him through that.

He makes the kids happy and they make him happy. Who am I to stand in the way of that? A partner might only be a partner for so long but a parent is for life.

He will see his kids for half the week as we have both agreed. Of course it's going to kill me. Not only have i lost the love of my life but I will be missing the kids like mad for half a week.

But it will be the same for him when he's not with the kids. I want to make it as easy as possible for them and I don't know the best way around it

You do know what to do. You be thankful that he's made it clear that he's quite the headfuck because you don't want to commit to a life of headfuckery.

Leave him to the pretty girl he has rapidly developed feelings for because he will do this again and again.

Anyways, thank you all for your input and for taking your time to reply.

I've just been feeling all sorts of messed up and that many kids manage perfectly fine with one parent, so what difference will it make if I'm not here anymore.

I've got no friends or family that I can talk to, usually it's him who I tell everything. So thank you all for letting me get this off my chest ❤️

I don't want any money off him

Dear God. You owe it to your children to accept maintenance from him. He still needs to contribute to raising his children. You need to stop being so passive.

*He's fought to see his other child but the mother is an arsehole
*
Got a court order, has he?

It's currently going through court now. Everytime he starts the court procedures - she let's him see the child so that he drops the case. But this time he has stuck to his guns so he can not be controlled by her.

It's not just effecting him that he can't see his son. Its effecting my son - hes asking where his brother is all the time as they were really close send he used to stay every weekend. It's really sad.

You tell me what right do i have to take money of him if he is caring for the children for half the week?

He will be putting a roof over their heads, washing, clothing, feeding them exactly the same as me.

If he has to pay maintenance to me when he has them half the week then surely I should be paying it to him when he has them the other half of the week.

He hasn’t actually done any of this wonderful providing houses and washing and clothing yet.

And rn he's the main provider for all of us whilst we are living here.

So customer at work equals pissed woman at a nightclub? I'm sorry but I wouldn't buy the only met twice part. Do what's best for you and your kids.

Your kids do need you. You're the stable one in their lives, not him. He gets bored and moved on to someone else. You however, are there for them through thick and thin.

I know, sometimes I'm thinking the kids are better off without me and other times I feel I'm just being selfish and they need me.

They could probably live happy lives without me as long as they have their dad looking after them, but I'm guessing they would probably be happier in the long run having both parents.

I just feel sorry for them because I can barely look after myself now and it's not fair on them seeing me upset, so I'm staying out of the way and I don't want them thinking anything is there faults or whatever.

He might not be able to hold down a stable relationship atm but he will always be a stable dad giving it 100% of effort.

I'm sorry, but you sound very young and naive.
He's being nice because he's told you he likes someone at work but it's ok because he told you before he did anything about it??!!

OMFG, you think this is acceptable??!

You can't help who you fall for?! He's done a number on you my dear. When you're in a committed relationship, you chose your partner day after day after day. It's a conscious choice.

Your partner is a CUNT!!!!

Well I don't think its acceptable if your planning on staying with someone and for it to not be addressed.

Obviously the whole situation is proper shitty for me. But it must be abit shitty for him too? He doesn't want to hurt me but can't help how he feels. He is just wanting to be happy.

He doesn't care!!!!!!!! He wants to have his cake and eat it! Wake up and smell the coffee about this toe rag.

If he wanted to have his cake and eat it - then he had that. He was happy with me.

But then he realised he doesn't want this cake anymore and wants a new flavour.

He's not all bad, he's trying his best to be happy. But he's also trying to keep me happy.

Which he doesn't have to do - he could just say - fuck off, I've met someone else, I will be in touch about seeing the kids BYE.

But he's not, he's trying to be nice and be here for all of us, although not in a relationship - I'm still the mother of his children and he still cares for me

Op this is a really sad situation.

Ur kids need u, u need to give urself a shake and be strong for the kids. They don't need a mum who's going around crying all the time, if u need to cry do it out of sight. And please please don't let this man see u breaking ur heart crying, I think he would try and comfort u, then u would think he was being really nice and caring. But he isn't a lovely man. Sounds like he's trying to keep u sweet til maybe he can arrange something with this customer he doesn't know.

It's the end of the world just now I know, but every day you'll get stronger. I'd let him sleep in his car, being around u everyday isn't helping.

I hope u feel better and stronger and ur kids need their mum

He's not trying to comfort me. I'm just getting upset upstairs out the way whilst he is downstairs with children.

He says that I'm making him feel bad when I cry because the last thing he wanted to do was hurt me.

Thank you for your kind words though, I think this has made me realise my kids would be better off with me in their lives

Watch how quick he will withdraw offer to live in his car if you say "ok then I think that would be best".

If you don't grow a backbone OP this idiot will fuck this woman whilst living with you, and it will go in for years. Don't be a mug.

He is callous, and yet your posts read like a Mills & Boon story in praise of a man. Incredible.

Of course it's upsetting for you. Heartbreak is horrible. But in the midst of your upset if you don't set a few boundaries you will have plenty more tears to come. It's time for you to think about yourself and your children.

He needs to move out. Albeit he will only do that if she's willing to take him in - because it'll be cheaper to stay with you won't it.
As for have the kids several nights a week - he won't, because it will impact on his time and space to be with this new woman. Words are wind.

You don't want any money off him..? So what about your children, they have needs don't they it's not just about you and him.

I can't see how he can have the kids as many nights a week as he's said plus work?

How could your children possibly be better off without you? Please stop and think about what you are saying. You are the most important person in their lives, you literally gave them life. Please remember that your tiny children need and love you.

It won't go on for years because we both plan to be in our own separate houses within a few months. If he is sleeping with this woman whilst sleeping on our sofa, then so be it. Of course it hurts.

But hes my kids dad and he deserves and my kids deserve - more than me throwing him out because he doesn't love me anymore.

We will always be at least civil with each other,if not for us then for the kids. Yes I'm in pain, I'm hurting, I'm angry. But why should he sleep in the car because he's having feelings that he can't help?

So he wants to leave for someone he's met a few times? Sorry but cheaters minimise. He's not nice, he's protecting himself to make himself look better. Please stop with all the 'you can't help who you fall for' he was in a relationship, he shouldn't have started something with with someone else, he has probably at the least had an emotional affair to know he wants to leave.

I hope you have support in real life, it's such a horrible thing to go through when someone betrays you like this.

So is he planning on 50/50 custody? Or maybe now is the time for you to do any qualifications or career planning, so maybe best for him to have them more. So many men think they will - and then do - live a lovely bachelor life with a new girlfriend, playing fun-dad every other weekend, while the mum struggles on with zero time for herself. The grass might not seem so much greener if he has to step up and actually parent his kids and look like he cares about them, rather then bailing out at the first girl he fancies. He's not lovely, he needs to grow up.

He will work a day job, but pick them up after he finishes and drop them off in the morning (or take them to school etc as they get older) the kids come first and he will swap hours etc to spend time with them if he needs to.

He's been through this all before. He doesn't just want to be a weekend dad. He has never wanted that. He doesn't just want to do the fun stuff with them and hand them back when they are naughty etc. He wants to be and will continue being a good dad that is there for the kids day or night.

I don't see why a relationship breakdown effects his ability to parent like alot of you seem to think?