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Original poster

130k - AIBU?

192 replies

user18504 · 09/01/2019 19:32

Parents just inherited 130k from a grandparent. Nothing gifted to me or my sibling in the will.

I’m 32 and in about 7k debt which parents are aware of. Not frivolous with money - it’s a result of financing car on interest free which will be paid off before interest free period expires. It’s heavy going though and need car for work.

AIBU to wonder why they haven’t gifted me and my sibling a couple of grand each?

They know I’m struggling, although I get by. In interests of being objective they did contribute about a third of my house deposit some years back so I could get on the property ladder, I had saved the other 2/3 myself.They are not hugely wealthy but own 5 homes (buy to lets woth mirtgshes and their own with mortgage paid off) and one works part time (late fifties).

I know they’re not obliged to do this, just wondering what you’d do in their position. AIBU to wonder why they’ve not offered? It’s less that I expect it I suppose but more because I wonder why they wouldn’t want to help where they can.

OP posts:
delilahbucket · 10/01/2019 12:37

If it is any consolation my mother inherited a similar amount. She insisted she needed it to live on and couldn't possibly give any to her children. She then blew it all on holidays/designer shoes and bags/posh meals out. Meanwhile her house is falling apart and she has nothing left. There will be nothing to inherit. I never expect anything, but blowing it on complete crap after saying it's needed for day to day living expenses did really piss me off.

VietnameseCrispyFish · 10/01/2019 12:40

It’s so odd that you see your parents as having a duty to give you endless handouts despite being an adult yourself now, OP. Did they raise you with this attitude by any chance? Or have you developed it on your own?

I can not fathom for a second having even a fleeting thought when my dad’s mother died that some of her money that she gave to him should then be passed onto me.

You’ve had £14k off them, then £300, and you’re genuinely querying why there isn’t more coming your way. I wonder if they’ve picked up on your attitude and are making a conscious decision not to feed it? They give you some cash now and you’ll be expecting more in future.

Your parents have been so generous already. It’s a shame you can’t see that.

VietnameseCrispyFish · 10/01/2019 12:42

If it is any consolation my mother inherited a similar amount. She insisted she needed it to live on and couldn't possibly give any to her children. She then blew it all on holidays/designer shoes and bags/posh meals out. Meanwhile her house is falling apart and she has nothing left. There will be nothing to inherit. I never expect anything, but blowing it on complete crap after saying it's needed for day to day living expenses did really piss me off.

Maybe she felt like she had to come up with a cast iron ‘excuse’ for keeping the money herself, rather than feeling able to tell you no, it was left to me and I’m going to enjoy it. Why do you think that is?

It really pissed you off that she spent it on what she wanted after saying she’d use it for living expenses: I wonder if she knew or suspected that she’d come up against some judgment if she’d been honest from the start?

Dimsumlosesum · 10/01/2019 12:45

Money can really bring out the ugly side in people.

ColdFingered · 10/01/2019 12:46

YANBU I hate this. What is the point of money if you can't help your children? What parent would sit on this amount of money knowing their children were struggling.
They aren't sitting on it - they've only just inherited it. Plus the OP has already had £14k for a house deposit, before they inherited anything, and £300 for Xmas. Plus they may have been equally generous to a sibling.

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 10/01/2019 12:49

Wow op. Entitled much!

My grandfather left everything to his children (my dad and his siblings) and no one else.

I don't expect anything to firstly, be left to me or secondly for my dad to give me some. It his from his dad to do with as he wished. He saved it so he has a bit spare and enough to enjoy not working.

You're an adult, your larnets aren't responsible for paying off your debt. Youre 7k in debt, well you'll have to find 7k to pay it thne won't you.

MyFamilyAndOtherAnimals1 · 10/01/2019 12:55

As many people have said, I'd never expect / believe anyone should be given money.
Saying that, if I had a spare grand, I'd like my kids/grandkids to enjoy something before I'm dead... just for the fact that it may make them slightly less keen for me to pop my clogs...

delilahbucket · 10/01/2019 12:59

@VietnameseCrispyFish she genuinely did need the money to live on, but that's not what she used it for. Her house is literally falling apart, it needs so many repairs it's unbelievable. That's what has annoyed me so much. I don't need money, I have a fantastic life and own my home. My brother is the same. My sister is a different kettle of fish and did "borrow" several thousand which will not be repaid.
My mum blew the money because her severe depression made her think it would make her happy, having spent her life struggling as she didn't work. In reality, it did give her a temporary happiness, but she's now more depressed than ever as it's all gone and she has nothing to show for it. She lost her car in an accident recently too and cannot afford to replace it and that is only making her mentally sink further away from life.
So yes, I am pissed off with her, but not out of greed, but because she has caused herself to be even more mentally unwell and as I'm the closest child, I have to pick up the pieces.

RepeatS1gnal · 10/01/2019 13:02

Perhaps your parents are taking their time to decide what to do with their money. Ever heard of the SKI club ? You have a mortgaged house and a car on finance, that's normal for your age. You could have bought a cheaper car. Perhaps they plan to take you on holiday in the future ? Perhaps you will have to wait until they pass away to see if you receive any inheritance (minus any care fees if needed)

howdyholdthedoody · 10/01/2019 13:41

Where the heck do you live that you needed £42k for a deposit?

Boysandbuses · 10/01/2019 14:04

I'd be annoyed if I was in your shoes OP and I'm sure any reasonable person would

No I would be grateful they gave me 14k and money as gifts.

BitchQueen90 · 10/01/2019 14:43

I can't imagine inheriting money and not giving anything at all to DS. It's just unfathomable to me. And I would need it as well, I have hardly anything saved into a pension currently. I'd still give some to DS.

lifebegins50 · 10/01/2019 16:02

I would give my DC everything BUT not sure it is sensible as I think it builds expectation.

You assume it was easy for them but I don't believe that to be the case and an attitude of "they had it easy" comes across as entitlement and woe is me.

In 25 years time reflect on your position rather than now, as you are not comparing like with like Also not sure I would give money for a car loan as it was your complete choice.

Are you married? Will they contribute to a wedding?

It is preferable to be young and poor than older and poor so they are sensible as ill health could strike at anytime for them.

LaughingCow99 · 10/01/2019 16:08

Why don't you just ask for the money. See what they say. They have already helped you out. Maybe they think you are irresponsible with money?

MsJuniper · 10/01/2019 17:13

My mum has done this twice; both times has actively promised me something from a large inheritance, after previously going on at length about how she wished she could help me if only she was in a position to. She even tried to pit me against my sister by saying if she helped her with something there would be less for me (I said no problem as my sister needed it) but both times she's not gone through with it and kept the money.

I'm not grabby, entitled or anything like that, and appreciate that she wants to enjoy her retirement, but it's hard to have your hopes raised and also it hurts to feel that she wouldn't want to help when she's in a position to. Every time I've seen her in the last few years her main topics of conversation are: how poor she is; and/or her latest cruise/home improvement/major purchase. I love her so much that I find it hard to think about so we just have a superficial relationship now rather than ever talking about anything meaningful like we used to.

Boysandbuses · 10/01/2019 17:23

My mum has done this twice

How is that similar to the op?

ColdFingered · 10/01/2019 17:23

MsJuniper That's awful. My mother did similar, in that I received an inheritance from her sister in law, and she thought she should have half of it. (I did actually give it to her, although my father - whose sister had died - didn't want to take any!)

I think, though, the OP's parents have done the exact opposite of this. They've given her £14k previously, and as they've only just received the money, they haven't promised her anything. They may even be planning to give her something, but they have only just received the money.

Ethel36 · 10/01/2019 19:45

Okay, I didn't realise that they had already gifted you £14,000 (according to the drop feed!!) No I don't think that they should offer you more money.

supergrains · 10/01/2019 20:17

I find it strange too op as you said if you had won a big amount like that on the lottery etc you would have treated them to something big or gifted them so money to help them.
Some of the older generation don't have a clue that they are so much better off than the previous generation or the one that follows them....

AnnabelleLecter · 10/01/2019 20:38

I don't understand why you wouldn't share any windfall with your dc. Our GPS left me and my siblings an equal share, same as my parents, who they had already bought a house as soon as they got married.
Money brings out the worst in people?
Yes the ones who hate sharing and want to keep it all for themselves.
If they have five rental properties they aren't exactly strapped for cash.

LEELULUMPKIN · 10/01/2019 20:45

My Dh's Grandfather was a multimillionaire and he left £500k to each of his two daughter's, my MIL being one. She never gave DH a penny.

jacksonmaine · 10/01/2019 21:13

Money brings out the worst in people?
Yes the ones who hate sharing and want to keep it all for themselves.
If they have five rental properties they aren't exactly strapped for cash.

^^ This

StillMe1 · 10/01/2019 22:51

I cant really say how your parents are feeling and what they think they should do. Everyone is different.
I can say what happened in my circumstances. I had always considered that I would help my DC if I inherited. At a later stage I did inherit money. I tried to offer things but constant met demands from one of the partners for more. I stopped making offers.
Perhaps your parents are worried about money for the rest of their lives or perhaps they feel that if they offer X more and more will be expected or demanded of them.

It is a delicate balance and a road fraught with difficulty

Alwayscheerful · 11/01/2019 08:02

I think winning the lottery and sharing with friends and family is lovely.

Something about treating an inheritance in a similar way to a lottery win makes me feel very uncomfortable. I am not sure why?

If you receive an inheritance it's a privilege and not a right and you are often bequeathed or entrusted with someone's entire life's efforts/wealth, that person could have shared that wealth around one or many relatives or left it to one person, their decision.

One could put forward the argument that there is an obligation to do the right thing with the money, treat it with respect and preserve for future generations.

Wealthy friends of ours received an inheritance from a parent, one third value ( 3 children) of an average terraced or semi so approx £30-50k can't remember exactly how much but they spent the lot on one extended summer holiday for the family they've flew to California presumably business class then by Hawaii. When they told us they decided to blow the money it made me very sad for the parents.

Palaver1 · 11/01/2019 08:58

But its theirs NOT yours.