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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

130k - AIBU?

192 replies

user18504 · 09/01/2019 19:32

Parents just inherited 130k from a grandparent. Nothing gifted to me or my sibling in the will.

I’m 32 and in about 7k debt which parents are aware of. Not frivolous with money - it’s a result of financing car on interest free which will be paid off before interest free period expires. It’s heavy going though and need car for work.

AIBU to wonder why they haven’t gifted me and my sibling a couple of grand each?

They know I’m struggling, although I get by. In interests of being objective they did contribute about a third of my house deposit some years back so I could get on the property ladder, I had saved the other 2/3 myself.They are not hugely wealthy but own 5 homes (buy to lets woth mirtgshes and their own with mortgage paid off) and one works part time (late fifties).

I know they’re not obliged to do this, just wondering what you’d do in their position. AIBU to wonder why they’ve not offered? It’s less that I expect it I suppose but more because I wonder why they wouldn’t want to help where they can.

OP posts:
AtSea1979 · 09/01/2019 21:40

@LadyLapsang very true, my parents would say the same but I do point out to them that it might all go on care until there’s nothing left! If OP parents can give something now before it gets eaten by care bills and inheritance tax then it sounds like a good idea.
OP why don’t you ask them for a loan instead of a gift? That way you can test the water and they might just offer it you or right the debt off after a few months

Stardustinmyeyes · 09/01/2019 21:41

My father died in 2007, he left everything to my son, cut me out completely.
My mother has also left everything to my son and cut me out too.
I'm delighted that my DS was able to afford to buy a home out right.
My parents made it clear to me that they would leave me nothing.

Their money, their choice.

Ethel36 · 09/01/2019 21:44

My mother inherited money from her father. She banked this large amount for a year. I wondered, just like you did, if they would offer a small amount to us children! Eventually they did share the money out, which was a God send and so kind of them. It literally meant that I didnt have to go straight back to work after my second child.

DBML · 09/01/2019 21:45

I don’t think parents have to gift you money from their inheritance, however I was lucky enough for my parents to gift me £10000 when they inherited after my man passed. Of that I gifted my own son (age 12 at the time) £5000, which went into savings for him. Sooo, whilst I would never expect any money, I also kind of see why you might be a bit ‘hurt’ if that’s the right word.

One thing I will ask is, how long ago did your man pass? Only because it took six months from my nans passing, until my parents received their inheritance from the solicitor. That was with them chasing it up frequently. I wonder whether you’ve assumed they are in receipt of money, when they actually aren’t yet? My parents knew the figure they’d be getting, even before my Nan died, so I just wonder that perhaps they don’t have it to give you yet? Wouldn’t you feel bad then ;)

But honestly, seeing what your parents have already done for you, I’d say you’re very lucky! I didn’t have help with a deposit and I don’t get £300 for Christmas. Be grateful for what you get when you get it :)

Best wishes!

Stopwoofing · 09/01/2019 21:46

Spending more time with a child is a bit different to an adult wanting a bit more spending money though isn’t it?

Maryann1975 · 09/01/2019 22:02

My parents received A similar amount to the op parents last year, including a massive chunk of inheritance. My dad always comments that we (dbro and i) will inherit when it is our turn. He fails to see that our turn may or may not even happen. My grandparents were devastated to realise that their savings had to pay for care home fees when they wanted their money to go to help family. by the time they knew this, it was far too late to do anything about it.
I don’t think my generation will inherit anything like the amounts our parents have inherited because of the cost of care (I completely understand that someone has to pay the cost of this though). We (she pays herself, but we organise it) currently pay over £1000 a week for my nans residential home. The average cost of a 3 bed semi, plus a few grand saved up over the years won’t pay those bills for many years.

But, it’s their money, and if they don’t want to share it’s up to them. I could never imagine watching my children going through the most expensive period of their working life without trying to help them out if I could.

AtSea1979 · 09/01/2019 22:04

stardust did your son give you any of it?

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 09/01/2019 22:10

Honestly, some people are unintentionally a bit self absorbed..

My DPs parents are LOVELY but a bit oblivious about things like this.
I'd bet my bottom dollar if they inherited this it wouldn't enter their heads to even consider that as people in their 30's we might need some help given we are buying...

Stardustinmyeyes · 09/01/2019 22:30

AtSea1979

No he didn't and I didn't ask for any. It didn't bother me, I understood why they did it. It's complicated to explain
My father in particular had given me plenty over the years so I had no expectations.

Stardustinmyeyes · 09/01/2019 22:36

One thing you should consider op is the tax implications.Certain amounts are tax free but there is a cap on how much money they can give you each year.
As they have investment properties then they will know this.

Dogsmellssobadbob · 09/01/2019 22:42

What stood out to me was that you posted you sort of suggested to them that they might like to give you some and they went quiet and haven’t mentioned it

To me that sounds like they see you as a bit grabby and ungrateful for the very significant sum they already gave you as probably now feel a bit upset or annoyed that you are laying claim on this too.

Although you say they have retired and do
PT work out of boredom, managing the paperwork and upkeep/maintenance for five BTL properties is not insignificant.
And although you may see them as wealthy, they may have had times in the past that you were unaware of when money was very tight and so they are careful now knowing they have likely 20-30 years ahead of them to budget for without a big cash flow/income.

The BTL’s may be their investment in your future and they see this cash as a chance to have more money around day to day.

Three holidays a year isn’t so unusual if some of them are UK based.

I think you need to look at the 14k they gave you in a better light- that was a huge sum of money that has made a very big difference to you in terms of you are now a home owner. I’m not really surprised they think you need to get on and earn your way now tbh.

Stopwoofing · 09/01/2019 22:50

The thing about all this stuff about care home fees etc. and help now is that our parents didn’t have that money from their parents when they were our age, so you’re asking them to unilaterally change to benefit you. Care home fees are a scary horror story but the incidence of needing very expensive long term care is something like 1 in 10 at present - far from a dead cert. giving your money away ahead of time to make the state pay is also not morally beautiful.

We feel perhaps their generation had it easier in some ways, but in the inheritance and money from parents stakes, our parents never had any inheritance doled our before their parents died.

That’s perhaps why they are struggling to see why they should help more now.

Cheerymom · 09/01/2019 23:05

Why why O why should adults in their 30s who ALREADY have been GIVEN money be given more? Where does this entitlement come from? I really want to know, why? Is being born a right for money all your life? Are you struggling to pay basic bills like food and shelter? Do you care about how other people spend their money, especially on themselves? Do you think every other human born before you has money 'given' to them?

Are you holding your lungs in until your parents die? What is this right and disappointment? Go NC then and give the 14 grand to charity.

Grow up!

VietnameseCrispyFish · 09/01/2019 23:11

YABU to be feeling aggrieved at this when they already helped you out significantly to buy a property!

Costacoffeeplease · 09/01/2019 23:24

Personification of grabby

Boysandbuses · 10/01/2019 05:54

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse the ops parents contributed a significant amount to the op purchasing a house and give cash gifts.

dimsum123 · 10/01/2019 06:06

I would absolutely gift some to my DCs if I were in the same position as OPs parents.

I don't see my responsibility towards our DCs ending as soon as they turn 18. I would much rather give money to my DCs than spend it on myself, but perhaps this is learned behaviour in a way as my parents are the same They gifted me a 6 figure sum a while ago, which they had deliberately saved to give to me, which paid off our mortgage meaning we are able to pay for private school for both DCs.

dimsum123 · 10/01/2019 06:10

Just to add I have never, ever asked my parents for any money, nor do I feel entitled to anything from them.

Returning2thesceneofthecrime · 10/01/2019 06:12

YABU

First and foremost, it is their money to spend, invest or give away as they see fit.

It is quite possible that they had been planning on giving you a token amount but decided not to after seeing your entitled attitude. I have helped both children and close friends financially in the past. I would do so again. But....if there is slightest hint of expectation there, I would not give them a cent. I don’t mind helping people but I am not your bank.

They have already given 14k which is not a small amount. Perhaps there were able to do that knowing that they would inherit this amount?

Are you quite certain of their financial situation? Have they perhaps got interest only mortgages, debts, plans for private health treatment, a life long wish to go on a world cruise? Or just a wish to be able to support themselves in their later years without having to rely on a paltry state pension, a council care home and/or their children?

Keep in mind that if they don’t spend it, you will probably inherit it. You’ll just have to wait, like they did.

pissedonatrain · 10/01/2019 06:33

YABU
They seem pretty generous to you with deposit money etc.

It sounds like when they pass, you'll do alright with all the property they own.

lightlypoached · 10/01/2019 07:16

Can I just derail the thread and ask why everyone (not just in this thread) is suddenly using 'gifting' and 'gifted' instead of 'given' (like we used to say) ?

Oh and if I were your parents I'd offer some to you as I wouldn't want to see you struggle so I don't think you are BU

Boom76 · 10/01/2019 07:26

You are being grabby. They gave you £14,000 towards a deposit which is a huge amount and you’re not even happy about that as you seem to think it should’ve been more. Very entitled.

adaline · 10/01/2019 07:38

You've already been given 14k!

If you couldn't make repayments why on earth did you buy a car on credit? Why not do what everyone else does and get a cheap second hand run around?

Returning2thesceneofthecrime · 10/01/2019 07:47

lightlypoached, I think it reflects demographics. ‘Gifted’ and ‘gifting’ are more likely to be used by Australians and Americans. The cultural influence of those countries is such that it will show in the younger UK generations first before becoming mainstream speech. Mumsnet has a lot of young UK mums and an increasing number of Americans and Aussies.

To my ears, it still sounds pretentious but I am sure that will change in time.

AlexaShutUp · 10/01/2019 07:59

Your parents gave you £14k towards your house deposit and £300 at Christmas, so it really doesn't sound like they're ungenerous. Perhaps they don't want to help with your car loan because they think you overstretched yourself buying an expensive car that you couldn't afford? They might feel that you need to experience the pain of having to repay the loan so that you make better financial decisions in the future.