I asked for the truth I got it ...

[blackandyellowbee]

Been having some intimacy issues with DH for a while. He just isn't interested.

We have 2 DC 5 and 2. I will admit by my own admission that after I had my youngest I let myself go. I stop taking care of myself. I didn't lose the weight, I gained it. I stopped doing my hair and makeup. I was unhappy I'd put weight on so I didn't feel there was any point. Stopped wearing nice clothes etc.
It just kind of spiralled.

Today I confront DH about his lack of interest in sex, we've spoke about it a few times but brushed over the topic and nothing got sorted. So this morning I text him and told him I wanted the truth. This is the reply I got...

You want me to be honest? Fine then I will. As I don’t feel remotely attractive myself because of my weight it’s come to the point where at the moment I don’t find you sexually attractive because of the weight you have put on. I was first attracted to you because you were thin. If you were the size that you are now I wouldn’t of looked twice at you. Sorry but that’s how it is. I do love you but just not sexually attracted to you because of your weight. Call me shallow and evil or what you like but at least I’m being honest. Like I said call me what you want but I’ve told you the truth which you wanted. I’m sorry.

I mean, I'm heartbroken. I know I asked for the truth and I have put on weight from a tiny size 6/8 to a 14/16. We are due to get married this year. Other than this our relationship is so good. I don't really know what I'm asking to be honest. I just need to offload as I have no one else to talk too.

I'm not saying this makes it better (it definitely doesn't) but this is obviously - at least partly - about his own lack of self-esteem and not being where he expected to be at this age (feeling fat, old before his time, etc. etc.) I don't think his message sounds like someone who's looking to trade you in for a skinnier model because that's all he cares about; I think it stems from deeper dissatisfaction with where his life is at. Not uncommon.

The only way is up for YOU from here OP - I hope he comes with you on that "journey" (which I know is cringeworthy term). If all he can do is lash out, take no responsibility, and expect you to do all the running, it doesn't bode well, but as I said, if he gets on board with you on this, it could be the end of the baby years blip and things could be better than ever...

I disagree that his comment is shallow about not looking twice at her if she was fat.
It's an unnecessary comment and hurtful but not shallow.
First attraction is about looks in just about every case. Someone catches your eye because they have something that you find subconsciously and consciously attractive. If the way we looked were no issue I'd have been on fire when I was in my twenties being chatted up by everyone I smiled at. But it is and I wasn't. So it is an issue and everyone has their preferences, he was an idiot to admit what his was in that message that's all.

'slim' people who think their genes are some sort of personal achievement and jump on any opportunity to bang on and on and on about vanity sizing and BMIs and all that

"all that" is actually a real thing and I think relatively few people get to ignore it over the age of 35-40 because they are lucky with their genes. We are in denial about the amount we're eating, exercising, drinking booze etc. My genes mean I would never, ever, have the chance to be a supermodel or whatever. I don't care - I'm in that age bracket now that my health is far more important to me. Doesn't mean BMI has no value for your average person (not, say, super muscly people) or that "vanity sizing" has not got out of hand in the UK meaning it's impossible to say "I'm a size x,yz".

"all that" is actually a real thing

...jump on any opportunity to bang on and on and on about vanity sizing and BMIs and all that...

Uh-huh.

Do you honestly believe your personality is contingent on your body fat ratio? Both the OP and her dh have admitted their personalities have changed.

Does your empathy decline along with your dress size? No, but physical attraction may well alter.

Nah, that's someone going through a tough time who needs support more than censure and if they ask for the truth should be given it.

Madeleine - you're being ridiculous.

If I was choosing to give him the benefit of the doubt I'd say perhaps his comments were almost self aimed ie he finds himself repulsive.

However it always amazes me when someone says they chose someone as they were thin/muscular/tall etc. Obviously you notice that but it may just be me but someone can look sexy but until I know there personality I'm not going to think how drsirable they are.

It just goes to show how personality lasts but looks don't - so to solely go for the latter you're setting yourself up to fail.

I think the way he said it as he admitted himself - was shallow and unnecessarily rude. He could've easily said he isn't as turned on since you put on extra weight and left it at that.

The fact he's gained weight and still said this speaks volumes of what is expected of a woman. How would he feel if you said the same? How would society take it? It's such a shame that he didn't adapt to the new ways. Because you have a reason you gained weight. Unless he has a really good reason his is due to letting himself go.

I've only read first few pages but just wanted to state how I feel.

I hope you're feeling OK. Lose weight for you, not to be someone's sex object. Especially when said person doesn't take your feelings into account. I'd be willing to hazard he's notvery good with dealing with emotions. Tough though, really.

Agree with Katgurl - 'there is honesty and there is cruelty'.

Mind well and truly blown in this post.

12 pages which pretty much sums up why the majority in this country are overweight, with fat kids.

We should NOT be normalizing a size 14 or a size 16 as average. That's big & fat, and for most people obese. Dress it up however you like, big & beautiful, cuddly, whatever. It's not. It's fat.

Fatness is not because people have children, fatness is because people are eating too much and moving too little.

Being fat isn't attractive for men, or women. Being fat isn't good for your health, physical or mental. There is nothing good about being fat and unfit. Watching an overweight person blowing like whale surfacing for air just walking up a set of stairs? What have we become.

Being normal (and normal is a healthy BMI, and before some idiot chimes in with the cliche about sports people and BMI, don't - just think about what you are saying before you say something stupid) is hard work, it takes effort and dedication to eating well, looking after yourself and doing some exercise.

Do it & feel better about yourself and your life.

PS - The OP's partner was an incentive arse in how he said what his issue was. But maybe it will have the effect needed. You know you are overweight and being lazy OP, do something about it, but I suggest that comes from you, and for you. Make yourself feel great again for you & the rest will happen.

if u were the size u ar enow i woldnt have looked twice at you

thats the shallow part-u prob wouldnt have looked at him either or maybe u would- size 6 was too thin for yur height so thats what he wants is it

Normal literally means what most people are. You can’t normalise something that most people are - it’s normal by default. Why are you not getting that?

This depresses me beyond belief. I have no idea what you should do but I'd have wanted to hear I love you for giving birth to our beautiful children and for being a loving wife. You mean so much to me and it hurts me that you have put on so much weight because I can see you are not happy.
If someone told me they only fancy me at a specific weight they would be dumped.
Nobody ever has ever seen me without makeup though no matter how fat I've been. You have to make a bit of an effort.

madcatladyforever eh? So its not ok to find her less attractive because of her weight? But would be ok if it's down to the lack of make up?

Why is one ok and one not?

@madcatladyforever Yeah you really shat on your own argument at the end there.

On EVERY thread about weight, a bunch of posters pop on with their claims that they are a size 6 (or even a size 4!) and 7 stone, and 5 ft 6 to 5 ft 8!

' I am 42 with 3 kids - and I am only a size 6! .. 'they claim.' Yet, I can count on the fingers of one hand the amount of women over 30 I know who are that size. (Especially those who have had kids!!)

I do agree that you can't use JUST pregnancy/childbirth as an excuse to be overweight, as many women in other countries regain their figure quickly (and some over here,) but let's not come out with such astronomical bullshit as 'a size 14 is VERY OVERWEIGHT! '

OP, your other half WAS rude, but he said he hates himself for it too, and he WAS only being honest. Can you both diet/exercise together?

Good luck. I bet you're gorgeous!

I agree raging that normalising obesity is dangerous. Size 14-16 is not ‘normal’ and we shouldn’t be saying it’s fine (although obviously that does depend to some degree on height and build) but in general it shouldn’t be taboo to say someone is overweight. I’m nearly 30 and have been a size 8-10 my entire life, being a 14 would be very abnormal for me (and no I don’t have to work at it to stay this size). I still think he worded it badly but I don’t agree it was shallow - you can’t help what you’re visually attracted to. There would have been better ways for him to broach the topic though. Also, it shouldn’t be taboo for a fat person to say ‘I don’t like this, it isn’t normal or healthy and I want to be thinner’ but in some quarters that’s seen as some sort of betrayal of body positivity

re @snoutandab0ut post ^

I REST MY CASE!!!

Your second camp are the people who understand that love is about the entire person, that weight fluctuations happen and don't change anything fundamental about that person

Yeah it does, it fundamentally changes your appearance, and it can fundamentally change many other things, the things the op mentioned, confidence, how you dress, how you present.

Pretending that nothing has fundamentally changed about yourself when you double your dress size might make you feel happy, but I think uou know deep down it's a lie.

One very depressing thread, a size 14 is very overweight for a woman who is 5 feet 6 and is seriously harmful to her health, utter bullshit.

He’s five stone over weight folks I reckon he has more health issues than the OP, yes he’s no doubt unhappy about that but since when was it ok to insult your partner? Is it therefore ok to say I’m turned off you because you’ve lost your hair, your boobs have dropped, your teeth are not looking great, your legs have developed veins, the list goes on, I guess some think it’s ok and that’s fine I just honestly can’t imagine saying the words he used to my partner, he must have known it would hurt you, there’s much nicer ways of expressing his lack of desire due to your change of size and I find it bloody ridiculous when he’s sitting there with his five stone of extra weight, he’s the one who needs to spring into action as it’s him who is morbidly obese, funny how nobody’s saying feck all about his health.

I’d also guess you did let yourself go and mainly down to the fact your times been taken up looking after two small kids, bet you’re a great mum.

OP you can lose the little bit of weight you certainly dont need to go back to being a size 6, get your hair done and your nails and let big boy stay home and look after his kids whilst you have a night out for your enjoyment, sounds like you more than deserve it 👍💕

Is it therefore ok to say I’m turned off you because you’ve lost your hair, your boobs have dropped, your teeth are not looking great, your legs have developed veins, the list goes on

If that's the case and someone PUSHES you for the truth as to why you're tuned off sexually... yes, it is, and it is ok for the other person to tell them to gtf as a consequence.

Honestly red I can count on one hand the number of people I know who are size 16 or above. Just because it might be commonplace doesn’t mean it’s good!

One very depressing thread, a size 14 is very overweight for a woman who is 5 feet 6 and is seriously harmful to her health, utter bullshit

She's 5ft6 and 13 stone. She knows that's not a healthy weight. What is depressing is this insistence on a "size 14" as meaning something and the idea of people who say otherwise as being genetically thin and fat-shamers

What is depressing is this insistence on a "size 14" as meaning something and the idea of people who say otherwise as being genetically thin and fat-shamers

Stop with the fat shaming thing, it's gone too far, I agree with you dress size means nothing but she's went from a fit size six/eight to a 14/16, she will look very different, she is overweight bordering on obese, playing rhe fat shaming card is beyond pointless. It's meaningless it's been played so much.

s it therefore ok to say I’m turned off you because you’ve lost your hair, your boobs have dropped, your teeth are not looking great, your legs have developed veins, the list goes on

You are comparing what happens naturally, to something that happens as a result of shoving too many pies in your gob. Don't be ridiculous.

One very depressing thread, a size 14 is very overweight for a woman who is 5 feet 6 and is seriously harmful to her health, utter bullshit.

Women's clothes sizes are not a meaningful indicator of health. The fact is that OP has a BMI of 29.2, which is at the top end of the overweight category. And she says herself that her weight gain is the result of an unhealthy diet and lack of exercise.

He’s five stone over weight folks I reckon he has more health issues than the OP [...] I find it bloody ridiculous when he’s sitting there with his five stone of extra weight, he’s the one who needs to spring into action as it’s him who is morbidly obese, funny how nobody’s saying feck all about his health.

Hang on a second, the OP said her husband had gained five stone, not that he was five stone overweight. So she gains four stone, and you say the idea she might be unhealthy is bullshit. But he gains five stone, and you say he's morbidly obese

People aren't talking about his health, because nobody on here is trying to say that he must look 'gorgeous' and 'attractive to women' with his five stone weight gain, or that he's a totally normal size.