I asked for the truth I got it ...

[blackandyellowbee]

Been having some intimacy issues with DH for a while. He just isn't interested.

We have 2 DC 5 and 2. I will admit by my own admission that after I had my youngest I let myself go. I stop taking care of myself. I didn't lose the weight, I gained it. I stopped doing my hair and makeup. I was unhappy I'd put weight on so I didn't feel there was any point. Stopped wearing nice clothes etc.
It just kind of spiralled.

Today I confront DH about his lack of interest in sex, we've spoke about it a few times but brushed over the topic and nothing got sorted. So this morning I text him and told him I wanted the truth. This is the reply I got...

You want me to be honest? Fine then I will. As I don’t feel remotely attractive myself because of my weight it’s come to the point where at the moment I don’t find you sexually attractive because of the weight you have put on. I was first attracted to you because you were thin. If you were the size that you are now I wouldn’t of looked twice at you. Sorry but that’s how it is. I do love you but just not sexually attracted to you because of your weight. Call me shallow and evil or what you like but at least I’m being honest. Like I said call me what you want but I’ve told you the truth which you wanted. I’m sorry.

I mean, I'm heartbroken. I know I asked for the truth and I have put on weight from a tiny size 6/8 to a 14/16. We are due to get married this year. Other than this our relationship is so good. I don't really know what I'm asking to be honest. I just need to offload as I have no one else to talk too.

Sure Tatiana, that's exactly the way it works.

Is that ok with you if I find that offensive?

Did I say it had to be ok with me? You are getting offended in the ops behalf, though and keep doing so.

But no I don't find the phrase offensive. I am been huge. And slim. When I have been huge it was definitely from shoving too much food in my gob. I am quite happy to admit that. Recognising it also made it easier to lose the weight.

@boysandbuses:

Why do you care what I get offended at, my posts have jack shit to do with you.

I don't care what you find offensive.

of course it’s comparable, it’s a physical change whether self inflicted or not

One is called ageing. It happens to everyone. We get old, we go grey, we get wrinkles & bits sag. It's a fact of life (unless you are weird, like Cher).

The other is called gluttony.

Why do you care what I get offended at, my posts have jack shit to do with you.

Wow. Maybe because it's a discussion and as part of that I am wondering why you find it so offensive.

It reads as projection. I wondered if that was true. Someone says something and you take it as a judgment of yourself and are making ridiculous statements on the back of it. It's relevant to the thread. Your level of upset over this suggests something deeper. I wonder what?

Didn't realise there were questions we could ask.

Who said you should care what I find offensive?

I am a size 12 and have never been any more than that if that helps you with your concern?

I find it offensive because at 5 feet 6 and a size 14, I don't think that massively overweight, yes it's over weight but not a big deal.

I'd give up trying to get me to change what i think, I just want the OP to know that not everyone thinks she's sticking pies in her gob, ok?

We can agree on something because I find your comments to me ridiculous, I really don't require your armchair psychology.

Adora10

I’m not sure if you realise this, but you’re coming across very aggressively.

I'd give up trying to get me to change what i think, I just want the OP to know that not everyone thinks she's sticking pies in her gob, ok?

From OP’s own post:

And it is my fault, I am over weight because I eat too much.

I would wager OP has a better idea of what's caused her weight gain than anyone on here, you included.

adora you clearly have issues and feel you can tell others what to post.

You are being ridiculous. Comments like it’s a physical change whether self inflicted or not

Taking offense on the Ops behalf, even when she isn't is ridiculous.

Again who said you required it? I wondered it and asked the question. You seem confused

Adora - I don't know why you seem so hellbent on trying to get the OP to feel that she should be ok the way she is. She is not happy with her weight and size. I am the same height and weight as her and I AM fat, I am far too overweight, it's not a "tiny bit", it's at least 2.5 stone over what I should be, and is 5 stone heavier than my lightest adult weight.

That's significant.

It's nice that you're trying to make her feel better - but it doesn't help her because what she needs is to find the motivation to do something about it, for her health and self-esteem, which she has already said is suffering.

I'm going to have to be one of the people who thinks he's being disgusting, sorry. He could have said he wanted the best for your health or anything really except what he did say! 'Would never have gone with you if you were like you are now' is a completely inappropriate and blunt way to say it. I will say though that in the beginning it sounded like he was trying to say his own weight was the issue too...If you think you can save the relationship then lose weight together. This would circle round and round in my brain until I felt worthless though. BUT that's only my opinion. Why don't you lose the weight or look nice for yourself and then tell him HE'S too fat to love?

I want to tell you something positive about a couple I know quite well, who were a bit like you describe you and DH. They agreed to lose weight together rather than splitting up and it worked and saved their relationship. They were really supportive of each other. They planned meals together at the start of the week then on set days she went to the gym straight from work while he looked after the kids and did dinner then he went to the gym when she got home and she put the kids to bed. It meant that 3 or 4 days per week they couldn't all eat together but something has to give when you have a busy life and children. Then at weekends they all went out walking as a family. I think it worked because they were doing it together. Years later they are both super -fit and really into fitness and are the sort of couple who post pictures on social media of them looking toned in their gym gear together and of their healthy, low carb meals! But I just think, good on them.

I have said repeatedly that the OP is indeed over weight; I find comments like shoving pies in your gob offensive and as the OP is clearly already devastated I don't see how this helps.

Not once did I say to the OP she should be happy as she is, we are all capable of change if we want to; I pointed out there are lots of size 14 women in the world and it's no big deal.

@boysandbuses, lost count of the times you have called me ridiculous, I don't care what you think of my thoughts, give it up.

Yes age changes us, but putting on weight is also, I don't care if it's self inflicted, if some of you do then bash on.

Good on the OP if she decides to lose weight, I certainly am not deterring her from doing so.

It’s total bollocks we don’t have control over who we are attracted to.

That's bullshit. I don't have control over not being attracted to quite overweight men because the thought of them squashing me with their weight during sex makes me want to throw up(for the record I have had sex with obese men before it's not an assumption). Is it bollocks to not be attracted to somebody with a huge scruffy beard? Is it bollocks to not be attracted to somebody covered in pus oozing acne??

lost count of the times you have called me ridiculous, I don't care what you think of my thoughts, give it up.
You don't like to give an accurate summary do you. Yes I did call your statements ridiculous. Then you said it back to me, so I clarified which statements.

Aging is inevitable. Weight gain isn't. We put on weight as we get older because it's raised to gain weight but if you adjust your eating and exverise you don't have to put on weight.

I think in reply to the pus filled acne comment, replace all those delightful visual aids with

In a wheel chair
An amputee
Chronic skin diseases
Depression
Anxiety
Hair loss
Scarring

Or any number of other physical or mental health issues and disabilities.

You sound like a very accepting person. As do many others on this thread.

God forbid anyone stop looking like your ideal, eh?

Find what you like attractive. But dont be so nasty about it.

Just be kind to everyone. We are all fighting our own battles.

When the person who is supposed to love you says shit things, its not very nice. And can de damaging to someone already down on themselves. No need.

*Why do you care what I get offended at, my posts have jack shit to do with you.

I don't care what you find offensive.*

Come on now ladies, we are all grown-ups aren't we?

MrsBrianWarner you don't see the difference in weight and not making an effort and disabilities or something you can't help?

Really?

Depends what causes the weight gain, doesnt it?

My weight gain was eating cakes. Comfort eating because of my son. That was indeed up to me to sort.

But life isnt simple. Things happen to people. They sometimes put on weight.

Being rude and shitty about that is unhelpful. Being rude about someone having acne is just shitty. And unneccessary.

Someone i know was on a course of steroids that impacted their weight drastically

My nan got MS and became wheelchair bound and put on weight

Etc etc etc

If you dont find someone overweight attractive thats fine. Doesn't give you licence to be a rude cunt to them about it.

He wants you back to a size 8, yet he's piled on the pounds.

Sounds hypocritical tbh.

I know you want to lose weight....but how would he respond if you said you aren't sexually attracted to him because of his weight?

The majority of people put weight in because of eating too much. Not medical reasons. We aren't talking about medical weight gain and therefore it's not comparable with disabilities.

And who knows, the husband may have a different view if his and his wife's weight gain (or just his wife's) was due to medical reasons. Rather than just lack of effort and self care.

I haven't been rude. I don't think anyone has. They have just been realistic.

I wasnt saying you had been rude. I was saying, weight gain isnt a good reason to be rude to people.

The pus filled acne comment? I think that was rude. But its a reflection on the person saying it more than anything else.

Its a judgemental attitude.

I am thin and i want thin people around me ergo you are wrong and excluded. Fatty.

That kind of school yard behaviour.

Loving supportive relationships dont equal being told you wouldnt have been a contender if you were a size 14. In sickness and in health is there for a reason.

Nah this man is a dick. He loves you but he wouldn't have looked twice at you when he first met you at your current weight, whats that got to do with anything?

Why do you think you let yourself go OP after your second child? Could you have had PND? Worn out perhaps with a newborn and what would have been a three year old at the time? Comforting yourself? Seems perfectly reasonable to me.

Having a baby does change you. Hormonally, physically and mentally. Having two pregnancies quite close together isn't exactly going to help matters either.

He is entitled not to find you attractive with your changed body shape. He is not entitled to make you feel even worse about it. He loves you but he's unable to be kind? Say, hey we have both put on weight and it can't be doing us any good health wise and enmotional wise, let's really get this sorted out together and I'm sure the sex side will come back.

Nah, easier to quickly mention his own weight gain to make it sound like he isn't being mean, then go on about your weight and make irrelevant comments about not looking twice at you. Not very loving.

Your babies will get older OP, you will begin to feel more like a person and not just mum and have more time and desire take care of yourself. Bet he will still be overweight though!

never ever lose weight for anyone else but yourself not to save your marriage etc just for you on the losing weight why dont you both say go to a slimming club sw or ww me and my dp go together we have found great enjoyment experimenting with new food ideas recipes and encouraging each other. you could take up going to gym together etc

The pus filled acne comment? I think that was rude. But its a reflection on the person saying it more than anything else

You are taking that out of context. That wasn't a comparison to putting on weight.