I asked for the truth I got it ...

[blackandyellowbee]

Been having some intimacy issues with DH for a while. He just isn't interested.

We have 2 DC 5 and 2. I will admit by my own admission that after I had my youngest I let myself go. I stop taking care of myself. I didn't lose the weight, I gained it. I stopped doing my hair and makeup. I was unhappy I'd put weight on so I didn't feel there was any point. Stopped wearing nice clothes etc.
It just kind of spiralled.

Today I confront DH about his lack of interest in sex, we've spoke about it a few times but brushed over the topic and nothing got sorted. So this morning I text him and told him I wanted the truth. This is the reply I got...

You want me to be honest? Fine then I will. As I don’t feel remotely attractive myself because of my weight it’s come to the point where at the moment I don’t find you sexually attractive because of the weight you have put on. I was first attracted to you because you were thin. If you were the size that you are now I wouldn’t of looked twice at you. Sorry but that’s how it is. I do love you but just not sexually attracted to you because of your weight. Call me shallow and evil or what you like but at least I’m being honest. Like I said call me what you want but I’ve told you the truth which you wanted. I’m sorry.

I mean, I'm heartbroken. I know I asked for the truth and I have put on weight from a tiny size 6/8 to a 14/16. We are due to get married this year. Other than this our relationship is so good. I don't really know what I'm asking to be honest. I just need to offload as I have no one else to talk too.

It’s laughable how people say OP must have looked tiny/the size of a 12 year old girl at a size 6-8, but is normal/not fat/looks amazing to most men at a size 14-16. She was a healthy weight before, now she’s very overweight. Have people lost all perspective on what a healthy size is?

Yes to this. The nation really has lost perspective on healthy and unhealthy weights. So many people are overweight that it’s become the norm now, people don’t even realise.

I wouldn’t feel attracted to someone who was overweight, and wouldn’t be able to continue to fancy someone who was slim when we met but had significantly changed their weight. The ops husband isn’t the devil incarnate for not being attracted to her much changed body shape. It’s not just a case of having a relationship that is about more than just looks because being overweight has personality implications that are off putting as well: greed, laziness, lack of personal care etc.

These threads are always the same, it was predicated at the start of this one and so it came to pass.

There are two camps.

The first one understands love and sexual attraction are not one and the same thing and if your partner's physical appearance changes drastically then they may no longer be physically attracted to you but still love you.

The second camp think it's simply intolerable that your partner doesn't find you physically attractive no matter how much your appearance changes or how fat you get, if they love you they should wish to fuck you for ever more.

That is unless it's a bloke who has put on weight. Then the thread is always fairly unaminous with "this is understandable, you should be honest".

I genuinely believe given the constant predictability of the responses and the gender bias, that the second camp project. They relate it to themselves. There is no other explanation for the gender bias, and the total lack of realism and refusal to accept that if your appearance changes significantly your partner may no longer be sexually attracted to you.

You couple the weight gain with the lack of self care, the different way of dressing and presenting ones self, the difference in confidence levels and energy, and it's understandable a partner would no longer be sexually attracted. It doesn't mean all partner's would feel like this, but many do, both Male and female, as we see on often with these threads.

I think the OP and her husband have a lot to sort out for themselves as individuals and as a couple. I hazard a guess that this has made him confront his own issues with his weight and sexual desire/attraction. But not the OPs. He has been honest and frank, probably too frank. So have many people on here about themselves. I know exactly how a lot of people think about their body image and what they are attracted to.

After 10 pages I don’t know where the OP is with all of this.

Sadly I think he will probably take control of his issues. But I implore the OP to look at her own feelings.

Not all 'thin' people are healthy. It's the fat around your organs you can't see which is bad. Thin people who aren't active/healthy but are lucky to not put weight on can have this just as much as larger people.

But this post isn't about that is it? OP it's about how you feel. It's a very harsh message. You probably need to communicate in person, if you can get past his nasty words, can you make a plan together to get healthy? It may bring you back together... if you want that!? No one stays the same as they age is he going to be the husband you want with that attitude?

I THINK I'm update with everyone's replies. Thank you.

I do understand where DH is coming from. I have put on weight, I do look a lot different, my appearance and fashion sense is different than it was 2 years ago.

When I had my first DC I snapped back straight away then got really into fitness, HITT classes etc. I was 'fit' and toned. I'm not a fit size 14 I'm a sloppy lazy 14. I think there is a massive difference there. My own self esteem is zero. Which probably contributes.

I do think that his message was a bit harsh, although I know I asked for the truth. Knowing the type of person he is, he is rubbish with feelings and words. And to the poster who said about me pressing for an answer for a while - you are right. I'm glad he's finally been honest (albeit harsh) and I think it will give me the kick up the bum I needed, to get back to myself for ME.

I do agree that to some extent looks matter in regards to sexual attraction. But I guess that's up to the person. I still adore him just as much as always. He himself has put on about 5 stone. He does suffer with really low self esteem and being honest, probably let himself go a fair bit too. But I guess the difference is, it doesn't matter to me. But it matters to me that it matters to him if that makes sense.

It's made me realise that this issue runs a lot deeper. I think we need to sit down and have a long child free talk about where to go from here. He's made it clear he still loves me and still thinks I'm beautiful. Sees himself with me for life. It's purely the weight and sexual attraction.

No one stays the same as they age is he going to be the husband you want with that attitude?

I seriously don't understand this relating it to ageing. Ageing is a process we alll go through. Weight gain is not. It is not inevitable. It is not a given. Why pretend they are one and the same thing. They are not. The op is in her early thirties, she has stopped wearing nice cloths, stopped doing her hair and make up, and her self esteem has taken a battering, because of her weight gain, she hates it.

So what benefit is there in pretending her gaining weight and changing how she presents herself is akin to ageing, we all know it's not.

Good god there is honesty and there is cruelty. Was it really necessary to elaborate by saying he wouldn't have looked twice at you?

Anyway you are where you are. I think it also reads that he is frustrated and down - hence why he doesn't feel attractive.

Myself and my partner are about 15-20 lbs heavier each than when we met two years ago. Neither of us look drastically different (I'm tall he's naturally muscular) but we both feel less attractive. We are both into fitness activities but when we started dating there were lots of dinners in and out, wine etc. Then the baby came, then it was Christmas etc.

We are approaching it as a team. We are both signed up for a series of races so encouraging each other to train "go on, just get a short run in, I can manage here" or "no lets skip the biscuit aisle". We keep making jokes about the fitness dvd we are releasing. We squeeze in a quick kettlebellss workout in the sitting room if we have done nothing that day.

It is making it all feel completely different; its a fun pursuit for us both. I am very very conscious about my weight and I know in the past if a guy even said the word fat in my earshot all my insecurities would be aflame.

Could you try to change your mindset on this? Sit down with your partner and turn it into a "we need to..." approach? And no massive overtures either. You have NOT let yourself go or failed in any way, you have grown and been minding two babies. What I am currently doing is trying one improvement a week, a bit more exercise.

Good luck and big hugs to you. That email must have really hurt.

Good luck OP. I think having a good chat, as you have said, is a good idea and if you love each other you will be able to work it out.

But don't bodies/faces/appearances change as we age? So Of course it's comparable, her weight has changed and he doesn't fancy her when she isn't thin: so who is to say he won't fancy her when she looks older/appearance changes again? I don't know this but if I was the OP I would be wondering if. However she knows him we don't.

OP it sounds like your both unhappy where you are at with your weight/self esteem. So I hope it works out for the better for you both and you achieve what you want.

Five stone is a lot op, and unless he's the same sort of height and build as you, I guess you have both expanded comparably. Which makes me question your lifestyle, your eating habits.

And I notice when you talk about him you say adore, not fancy not anything to do with physical attraction. Doesn't he still adore you?

So deep down do you really still fancy him like you did five stone ago? I know if my husband gained five stone the physical attraction may still be there, but I can't say I would fancy him as much.

But don't bodies/faces/appearances change as we age? So Of course it's comparable

It's not remotely comparable, he's not said he turned on by youth. He has said she's doubled her dress size and he doesn't find it a turn on, making a mental leap to say this means he wishes her frozen in time and is also turned off by ageing is a bit much.

I'm not a fit size 14 I'm a sloppy lazy 14

I doubt you are as bad as you think OP with two kids under 5 to look after, a size 14 is really not as big as you seem to think.

He himself has put on 5 stone, you still adore and want sex with him, that's called love and devotion for the person not just what they look like.

I really hope he was having a difficult moment because to say he'd not look twice at you is unbelievably nasty and I think he got away with that because you feel so crap about yourself and he's done feck all to alliviate that, in fact, his horrible words have compounded your negative feelings about yourself.

He needs to quit the criticises and instead support you and take a good look in the mirror, all 5 stone extra weight of himself!

Please don't allow him to criticise you like this again, it's a sign of sheer disrespect, nothing else.

He himself has put on 5 stone, you still adore and want sex with him, that's called love and devotion for the person not just what they look like

And here we have it again. I feel like David attonburgh, love and sexual attraction are the same thing to this poster, your partner should wish to fuck you no matter how fat you get, and if they don't then they don't love you.

It's so unrealistic and what leads to so many disheartened people who believe this romantic shite.

Bluntness but if my partner was a size 14 I'd still fuck her, what else do you want me to say about the OP still wanting sex with her five stone over weight husband?.....that she shouldn't feel that way because you view it as romantic shite

It's perfectly normal and acceptable to still have sex with a partner when they have become over weight, it's not against marriage vows!

And yes equally ok to not find your partner attractive any more but to say I wouldn't look twice at you if you are not still a size 6-8 is shallow and hardly shows respect and love.

Some folk can look beyond the outer and see the lovely person as a whole and yes, still want to fuck.

There are two camps.

The first one understands love and sexual attraction are not one and the same thing and if your partner's physical appearance changes drastically then they may no longer be physically attracted to you but still love you.

The second camp think it's simply intolerable that your partner doesn't find you physically attractive no matter how much your appearance changes or how fat you get, if they love you they should wish to fuck you for ever more.

Orrrr, right, there's this thing called confirmation bias.

Your first camp from another perspective are the 'slim' people who think their genes are some sort of personal achievement and jump on any opportunity to bang on and on and on about vanity sizing and BMIs and all that, all the while confirming their own self worth which is inextricably bound up in their dress size. Since they themselves place inordinate value on exteriors, they see no problem with others doing so and project their own insecurities onto others. Evidenced by using such words as 'admit' (to putting on weight), like it's some terrible confession of weakness.

Your second camp are the people who understand that love is about the entire person, that weight fluctuations happen and don't change anything fundamental about that person, and who wouldn't tolerate such shallowness in a life partner.

Potato, tomato.

I missed that she said what her weight was previously.

However it is not healthy to be thin. If your on the lower end of normal BMI you are slim not thin.

Plus you can be within the normal BMI range and be unhealthy due to poor diet. BMI isn’t the be all and all where healthy nutrition is concerned.

I do think there is a lot of normalising overweight on this thread. I am a size 6-8 but not ‘tiny’ at 5’4’’ and not skinny just slim. I do agree bmi does not indicate health although op herself says she is not a healthy 14.

I do think he put it unkindly.

Normalising just means what the norm is... being overweight is pretty normal now. Even weight categories themselves are only shifted against what people actually weigh and stats: there’s no ancient script.

I agree iamiwas.

It would be much better if he said something like we’re both overweight and it’s putting me off. Saying he was only attracted to her because she was thin and wouldn’t have looked at her otherwise makes him sound like a shallow idiot.

love is about the entire person, that weight fluctuations happen and don't change anything fundamental about that person,

Weight gain that causes the person to cease to care about their appearance and the way they interact with their family, friends and the wider world and alters their personality and perception of themselves is a fundamental change in that person.

I agree with Bluntness, also wholeheartedly disagree with the many posters saying "Oh but you've had his children you are entitled to let yourself go and he should still worship you", that's a very poor excuse. I know no-one out of friends, work colleagues, or family across generations who thinks or behaves like that.

People come in all shapes and sizes, they always have. Yes people were generally thinner years ago but they were also generally poorer. Maybe plump is the new norm, considering the abundance of food and our sedate lifestyle. Men only finding slim women attractive is relatively new I think, if we consider art and fashion from years gone by. Modern men seem to feel entitled to fit, slim women also much younger with no body hair and huge knockers and seem to get very upset if their wives out on weight. even when they are huge themselves

Weight gain that causes the person to cease to care about their appearance and the way they interact with their family, friends and the wider world and alters their personality and perception of themselves is a fundamental change in that person.

Nah, that's someone going through a tough time who needs support more than censure. Do you honestly believe your personality is contingent on your body fat ratio? Does your empathy decline along with your dress size?

Hi OP,

I would look at this response as a good thing and not a negative reaction. I know its very upsetting to hear but you can make changes and so can he and you both can get back on track. I think you should lose weight but not just because of him but for your health, well-being and confidence.

I would advice (money dependent) that you get a personal trainer or start the gym on your own at least. I love the gym and have lost quite a lot of weight from excising so please pm me and I can go over a lot of work out and diet advice which will really do you wonders. First thing is first, join the gym, start cardio, HITT training and some strength training. Go to classes also and see if you can gym it like 4 times a week or 3 times to start yourself off! Try to eat clean and have one cheat day a week (cheat meal more like!).

Set goals such as:

When I have lost 5 pounds I will buy myself some new underwear.

When I have lost a stone, I will buy a dress dress for a night out

When I have lost a dress size, I will change my style

I aim to feel slimmer and buy a new outfit for Valentines Day

I aim to lose X much weight by first dress fitting for wedding

Things like that and do not overly go on to DP about this and say you are doing it for him. Just subtly start making changes to your diet and work out regime and when he notices you wearing sexy underwear and new sexy clothes, he will pick up interest again.

When you talk to him about his text, say It's okay, I asked you for the truth and as hard as it is to hear, I aim to try and make some changes this year to become healthier and happier in my body When you cook meals, cook them as a family so he is eating healthier also and then when he see's you going to the gym, he may tag along.

I think its really important that as a couple you understand the importance of losing weight and staying active and be healthy. Not because of being a size 6 or 8 but because you reduce the risk of heart disease and stuff like that. Also you will be more active and be a much more active mother when your kids get older. It will encourage them to be active and eat healthy.

I hate to say it but some of my bad eating habits were engrained in me from an early age when my parents would take me to McDonalds or buy takeaways.

I wish you both the best of luck.

I would be turned off my husband if he stopped making an effort. Not just in staying healthy but not trimming nose hair, ear hair, living in tracksuits etc. I would also be worried about him because that's not him.

Unless he did something unspeakable I can't ever imagine the day coming that I would not love him, that I would leave him if he got fat, but I can imagine not feeling particularly inclined to have sex with him if those things happened. I have to watch myself every now and then though - out of the two of us it is far more likely to be me slobbing about in leggings, slippers, old granny cardigans, with unbrushed hair etc. In the midst of a big crisis where it's a matter of survival (e.g. in your case looking after babies) fair do's, but outside of that, I do sometimes catch myself in the mirror and think "come on, just put on some actual clothes here and brush your hair, otherwise he'll think you don't give a shit"... that's what I'd feel if he started going down the same path. And that would be a turn off both from the perspective of his physical appearance and from my own self-worth.

I'm glad that you can see, OP, that you do need to have a child-free chat about where to from here. You need to sort yourself out for your own sake but he also needs to sort himself out both in terms of his personal issues and the way he has treated you. He has handled it badly and the "call me evil but you asked for it" thing is not good. You are so young still, you are both saying you love each other, you can both turn this around and actually make things better than ever, but if he can't get on board with that do not be gaslit into thinking this is all on you.

I've thought this one over and I'm in the "he's shallow camp" I'm afraid. It's the "I wouldn't have looked twice at you" comment that is really telling. It speaks of a man who will trade you in when he finds a younger or skinnier model. Sorry.