I asked for the truth I got it ...

[blackandyellowbee]

Been having some intimacy issues with DH for a while. He just isn't interested.

We have 2 DC 5 and 2. I will admit by my own admission that after I had my youngest I let myself go. I stop taking care of myself. I didn't lose the weight, I gained it. I stopped doing my hair and makeup. I was unhappy I'd put weight on so I didn't feel there was any point. Stopped wearing nice clothes etc.
It just kind of spiralled.

Today I confront DH about his lack of interest in sex, we've spoke about it a few times but brushed over the topic and nothing got sorted. So this morning I text him and told him I wanted the truth. This is the reply I got...

You want me to be honest? Fine then I will. As I don’t feel remotely attractive myself because of my weight it’s come to the point where at the moment I don’t find you sexually attractive because of the weight you have put on. I was first attracted to you because you were thin. If you were the size that you are now I wouldn’t of looked twice at you. Sorry but that’s how it is. I do love you but just not sexually attracted to you because of your weight. Call me shallow and evil or what you like but at least I’m being honest. Like I said call me what you want but I’ve told you the truth which you wanted. I’m sorry.

I mean, I'm heartbroken. I know I asked for the truth and I have put on weight from a tiny size 6/8 to a 14/16. We are due to get married this year. Other than this our relationship is so good. I don't really know what I'm asking to be honest. I just need to offload as I have no one else to talk too.

Bluntness - you are just looking for an argument for no reason

Call me what you like but as we age we change including getting bigger in size, OP is over weight, her maximum weight should be 11 stone 2, she’s not massively overweight she has less than 2 stone to lose unlike his 5!

It’s not about her weight issue for me, it’s about his hurtful words, a joke when he’s five stone over his own normal weight.

OP I found going to slimming world with my DP really helped we both lost loads and because he was coming along (and usually getting slimmer of the week) it made it a lot easier for making meals etc.

It is a harsh response but something that you can both do something about and together which will help with connecting as well.

You are comparing what happens naturally, to something that happens as a result of shoving too many pies in your gob. Don't be ridiculous

Wow. What a cuntish comment. I don't think I have more to say. Just - cuntish.

She’s not massively overweight she has less than 2 stone to lose unlike his 5!

I'll say it again - we know that he's gained five stone, not that he's five stone overweight. He could be morbidly obese or he could have a lower BMI than the OP.

Ouch that’ll hurt.

I think you knew why, and have got to a bad place by asking him for the truth. You knew he’d say it.

Time to take a huge step back. Do you love each other? Are you generally good together?

I think you both need to give each other affection now, no matter whether you are sexually attracted. Love is affectionate too.

Ask for a hug. Non sexual. Ask for a hand hold.

Tell him it was brutal but then try to reconnect with your minds, go out more, bond more.

Then decide separately, whether and when you want to lose weight / buy clothes / be good to yourself. That has to come from you, to yourself.

love and sexual attraction are not one and the same thing

It doesn't matter if they are or not. In our current culture of monogamistic relationships, we pretend and act as if they are the same thing. Otherwise, if you knew that love and sexual attraction were different things, it'd be okay in a relationship to have casual sex with people you're sexually attracted to and then return home and raise children/maintain a household with the one you love.. but very few people can countenance this. So we all agree to pretend that love and sexual attraction are the same thing and continue to only have sex with those we love whether they are sexually attractive or not.

t'd be okay in a relationship to have casual sex with people you're sexually attracted to

No it's not the same thing and we don't pretend it is, and you're confusing it with monogamy, which is about commitment, and yes love. But sexual attraction is a physical reaction, it's not something we control, and we don't pretend it's the same thing.

If you're saying some people will lie and say they still fancy their partner sure they do, but it's still a lie, and it's still not the same thing.

Not fancying or having sex with your partner, as is the ops situation, doesn't mean her husband is shagging someone else or thinks it's ok to. But it's just odd to think he should lie and have sex with her anyway because that's what people do.

The op admits that she has pushed and pushed this issue.

She knew what the issue was kept pushing for him to say it and he snapped.

Can all these people ripping him apart, say they have never been pushed into a conversation they don't want to have and then it's been done in the wrong way. The op wanted an answer.

And it's not just about her weight. There are always loads of threads on here about men letting themseleves go and it making their female partner find them unattractive?

I have 2 kids. I have been where the op has. I totally get its easy to let yourself go. It's also not easy to keep on top of it when you are the working parent. Both sides are exhausting. I have done both.

But hopefully you get back into being yourself before it becomes a major issue. In the ops case and her OH it's become an issue.

The truth is most people would feel attracted to someone who made no effort and never practised self care, or cared what they wore etc.

People can pretend all they like. But you can love someone, admire them and want to be with them.....But not fancy them.

He's clearly projecting.

He told the truth, as hurtful as it was. And while I think he could have phrased it better, the sentiment is the same: He doesn't fancy his wife overweight.

Given that the op is unhappy with her weight herself, I'd use this as the momentum needed to get back in shape.

The thing with asking questions is the truthful answer can hurt.

There was nothing to stop the op from saying his weight is not attractive to her either. I'd have let him know that.

Hey OP. You say you let yourself go after birth of youngest. Do you know why? Post natal depression? How is your relationship in general? Is he a good partner in other ways?

Do you think you may be depressed? Perhaps a trip to the GP might be useful if you are? Losing weight and exercising takes a lot of motivation.

Can you do something together op to resolve this? Eight stone between you is a huge amount of weight to gain, particularly in your early thirties, so it would signify there is a lifestyle issue at play here.

Healthy eating, walks, even a diet club. Something with a joint goal.

I think a large part of your husband's feelings will,be biased by his own feelings about his own body, so working on it together could bring you closer and remove any bad feelings there are.

OP that weight gain in a short amount of time for both of you needs to be looked at - neither of you are taking care of yourself - why? What happened to cause this

Sometimes when we ask for the truth we are actually seeking reassurance and the "truth" can hit hard. However, the way your husband worded it is inexcusable and there are a million ways he could have phrased it without it being so nasty.
What stands out most to me about your post is "if you looked like that in the beginning I wouldn't have looked twice at you"
There is more to beauty than just dress size and I have seen numerous beautiful women that are overweight. No women should ever write themselves off, most of us will have fluctuations in weight throughout our lifetime and it's a shame you have found a man that is so shallow.
I hope you end up losing the weight OP and then see him for what he really is.

His comment says way more about him than it does about you.

I think his response was fine I would want my dp to be as honest as that if I had gained weight as I would with him I would definitely tell him if it was effecting the relationship.

I have seen numerous beautiful women that are overweight

Did you want to have sex with them?

She has already said he thinks she's beautiful.

busybarbara that is an utterly bizarre viewpoint. Sexual attraction and monogamy are not the same thing! You can stop fancying your partner while still loving them, that doesn’t mean you’d go and shag someone else? Monogamy is a commitment actively made to each other, a choice, and sexual attraction is involuntary. People should discuss this openly in loving relationships (not in the same words as OPs husband) and try and resolve things. Sometimes a lack of sexual attraction can lead to falling out of love - either because sex drives become mismatched, or one person feels rejected, or the other doesn’t want sex but feels obligated and doesn’t enjoy it. Far better to be open with your partner about not fancying them anymore and seeing if that can be reignited, than having joyless sex out of duty. What a miserable existence that would be.

By the same token, love and sexually attraction clearly are not the same thing, or people would want to be in a relationship with everyone they’ve shagged

@ragingmentalist of course it’s comparable, it’s a physical change whether self inflicted or not and yeah what a horrible comment to make re the OP 👏

bluntness yes, but the "I wouldn't look twice at you if you looked like this now" and "I was only attracted to you because you were thin" comments don't sound like he really means it.

would you still have sex with them?
Yes I probably would if I fancied them. I had an ex girlfriend who was very over weight and obviously we slept together. I'm not saying the OP's husband shouldn't have a preference on what he deems to be attractive, thats out of his control. I do however think that he should have phrased it more carefully and not been so harsh in his words.

Adora10 why do you keep getting offended on ops behalf. She says herself it's because you eat too much.

And of course it's different if a physical change is self inflicted.

Boys:

Because of this:
You are comparing what happens naturally, to something that happens as a result of shoving too many pies in your gob

Is that ok with you if I find that offensive?

It's not different, it's still a physical change, no matter how it came about.

I'm not saying the OP's husband shouldn't have a preference on what he deems to be attractive, that's out of his control

Well you did say that when you called him shallow for not seeing that "there is more to beauty than dress size" but of course the reality is we don't actually have control over what we are physically attracted to and he is no more or less shallow than people who only fancy "curvy plus size women".

Of course he should have phrased it better.

It’s total bollocks we don’t have control over who we are attracted to.
It’s usually trotted out to justify poor choices.

When I was young I only fancied very good looking athletic charming slightly shallow men. And then I grew up.