Discovered husband has another wife and 2 sons

[Girlintherobe]

Hi everyone
I’ve been a lurker on mumsnet for a while.
I’ve learned so much about life from you all.
I feel terribly lost.
I’ve discovered my husband has another wife and two sons that live half an hour away from us.he used to work away during the week and told me that he was earning extra money so we can go on holiday every year.Now he tells me that he’s with her out of guilt and he really loves me.im a SAHM.
He’s in charge of all the finances.

Of course it's not either/or.

But she has to ask herself if her H is likely to drain any joint current or savings accounts while she goes through the process of the religious divorce. He has been revealed to be a liar, an adulterer, a bad husband over the years even before all of this came out, and he has gone against the protocols of Islam to boot in engaging in the second relationship. He has brought several children into this sorry and sordid mess he has created and seems to value the OW only for her sexual services. He seems quite openly hostile toward the OP, completely unwilling to admit any wrong, and in fact exhibiting an attitude of arrogance and entitlement, and he refuses to to apologise or assure the OP that he holds her in any sort of regard. What she has reported of his remarks is basically, "Me, me, me, me, me, me, me. Me and my prerogative, my sexual satisfaction, and you can like it or lump it."

I wouldn't put it past this man to steal money from the OP and from her children or to leave them penniless and even homeless. He sounds like a nasty piece of work and from what she says he has been nasty for a long time.

So she can waste time and energy securing the religious divorce when she really, really should be pursuing whatever legal/civil rights she has. It doesn't have to be either/or, but she needs to prioritise and her priority should be her legal rights and the rights of her children to financial support and to keeping their own roof over their heads.

kidsneedfathers I disagree in the strongest possible terms with your contention about changes to UK law.

My two pennies worth - all Muslim religious officials need to make it clear to Muslim couples marrying that their marriages must be registered with the relevant civil authorities. Put their money where their mouth is if they truly care about the welfare of Muslim women and children, and acknowledge the primacy and relevance of the civil law.

Out of interest @Mathanxiety , why do you think an Islamic marriage carried out by a registered celebrant shouldn't be given the same legal/civil standing as a Christian wedding that takes place in a church?

My 2 penn'orth is that we cannot rely on male Muslim religious officials to make it clear that the Nikah has no legal validity in the UK to often young vulnerable brides in arranged marriages. The have a vested interest in keeping the status quo. Sadly this is a common story and many many wrongly Muslims believe their religious marriage has legal standing in the UK. It's only when they try and get divorced or their husband throws them out that they discover they have nothing. The only way to support women like the OP in the future is to ensure her marriage is actually recognised legally.

Even if the celebrant did spell out the legalities, as long as there are brides who can be married over the phone often without speaking English, how likely is it that she would be able to insist on marching down to the register office once she finally arrives in the UK?

not wrongly Muslims of course. Sorry!

A wedding in most Christian churches involves signing the registry, which is not part of the religious ceremony but actually the civil registration of the marriage.

Registration of marriages has been a complicated matter in England in the past due to the fact that the state church (C of E) had a privileged position and was an organ of the civil administration for a few centuries, with Catholics and nonconformists and Jews obliged to have weddings in a C of E parish church. That situation was resolved.

why do you think an Islamic marriage carried out by a registered celebrant shouldn't be given the same legal/civil standing as a Christian wedding that takes place in a church?

Because in a CoE marriage in England, the officiating clergyperson is authoried to act as Registrar, and is therefore certifying the marriage on behalf of, and for, the State. At a RC marriage, a civil Registrar has to attend, as RC clergy are not authorised to act as Registrars themselves. I can't speak for churches in Scotland. It's not discrimination against non-Christians by Christians, just a consequence of having an Established Church.

A Niamh isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.

You are definitely not legally married. Unless you also had a civil marriage.

Every mosque you go to will tell you that, some even want you to have the civil ceremony done and you show them the paperwork before they will conduct a nikah.

In this case as you own half the house you are in a good position you should go speak to a solicitor and find out exactly what you can do.

You can also get child maintenance from him but I don’t think you’ll get much else. Ask a solicitor tho getting your legal position sorted out should be your priority.

Some mosques are registered to carry out legal marriages, you’ll sign the legal paperwork after the nikah. But the imam will tell you that.

I agree with your basic premise though. There seems to be a vested interest in keeping nuptial matters in the community and firmly within the religious context, arising from paternalism. Obviously this has serious drawbacks for women and children. The same dynamic used to operate in Ireland.

Imo Muslim clerics should be obliged to provide a registry book and do the necessary admin to register weddings with the civil authorities when they conduct weddings, and weddings over the phone seem to me to be a recipe for disaster on both legal and personal levels.

It does seem to be the case that a religious Christian or Jewish marriage will be automatically registered as a civil marriage by the celebrant, but not a religious Islamic one. I genuinely wonder why
www.gov.uk/marriages-civil-partnerships/religious-ceremonies

To be married legally, certain requirements have to be carried out. At my sister’s wedding, something was omitted so they had to repeat part of the ceremony, to include it.

So it’s not a wedding in a church, per se, that makes it legal. Certain criteria has to be fulfilled as well.

legal

What makes a marriage legal is signing the register, which is produced after the ceremony/service or after the vows or as part of the ceremony in a registry office. Sometimes in a church or temple the register is kept in a separate office apart from the space the wedding takes place in, like the sacristy in a RC church.

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/getting-married/
You can get married by a civil ceremony or a religious ceremony.

In both cases, the following legal requirements must be met:-

• the marriage must be conducted by a person or in the presence of a person authorised to register marriages in the district
• the marriage must be entered in the marriage register and signed by both parties, two witnesses, the person who conducted the ceremony and, if that person is not authorised to register marriages, the person who is registering the marriage.

If someone had to retake vows then the problem was with the religious ceremony, not with the legality.

Sorry - posted same link as you, Petalflowers.

I am so sorry, but please do not blame yourself for not knowing - we are taught to trust people we love so you have done nothing wrong. My great aunt had a relationship with a man for something like 30 years - he lived with his family and children on the weekends and her during the week. The wife never knew.
This is too new for you to make any decisions. You need to process things and decide what you want for yourself and your children.

Zombie thread!

I'm not Muslim but I have a muslim friend this happened to. She was well supported by an imam (not sure if he was already someone she knew or not) and she got an islamic divorce. Her family at first struggled but the mosque and Imam strongly advocated for her and her family then came to see (within weeks) that she was the victim. She is much happier now. You absolutely don't have to put up with this. You have every right to be appalled and your religious beliefs don't rob you of this right. You didn't agree to this. He lied and cheated.

Wow
I feel like I've entered the twilight zone.
So sorry op. I hope you sort out this mess.

Oh this is so sad, why couldn’t he have been open about this sorry OP, didn’t want to read and run, wishing you all the best, and your children

How awful for you, it must be a dreadful shock :( If you aren't legally married in terms of civil law (which you aren't if you only had a religious ceremony- only C of E ones count without also signing the book with a registrar etc) I fear it will effect the financial situation. You need to speak to a lawyer or something to see where you stand. The CAB might have a clue. I think you can get a free half hour with a lawyer- others will know more. Hugs and best wishes xxx