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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Discovered husband has another wife and 2 sons

196 replies

Girlintherobe · 05/01/2019 15:26

Hi everyone
I’ve been a lurker on mumsnet for a while.
I’ve learned so much about life from you all.
I feel terribly lost.
I’ve discovered my husband has another wife and two sons that live half an hour away from us.he used to work away during the week and told me that he was earning extra money so we can go on holiday every year.Now he tells me that he’s with her out of guilt and he really loves me.im a SAHM.
He’s in charge of all the finances.

OP posts:
nailak · 06/01/2019 21:15

I would advise her to go through shariah courts for khula but use civil/family court for any financial or custody issues.

mathanxiety · 07/01/2019 01:48

All they have to do is pack up and leave for London. It would be perfectly possible for the husband to live in non-Muslim society if he thumbed his nose at the Sharia court. He has done so anyway, and it hasn't trimmed his sails at all. He insists the OP has to get used to what he has done, and feels entitled to everything.

Trusting in a court that essentially has no standing except for technical religious matters is the wrong way to go when it comes to money and property. The only court that reaches everywhere is the one in which the law of the land is upheld.

pissedonatrain · 07/01/2019 02:21

Put his clothes in bin bags and leave them outside. Tell him to go stay with the OW.

Apply for whatever benefits you can get.

Women's Aid CAB Freedom Programme

GigglesForEd · 07/01/2019 04:07

"There is little guarantee of alimony or child support, however, through the civil court, since they are not legally married" Hmm

Sure that the civil status has nothing to do with his parental obligations? Vhild support is independent of marriage or not

sashh · 07/01/2019 04:37

OP

If you are still reading, there is an organisation called, 'Karma Nirvana', they actually deal with forced marriages, but they might be able to sign post you to some suitable support and legal advice.

mathanxiety · 07/01/2019 04:44

True - you are correct.
Right to property unless it is jointly owned is another matter.

Despite the right of children to support, he can plead poverty (hide income if self employed, give up his job if employed and get the OW to take him in and support him, which she might do), he can also plead financial obligation to his other children, or go for shared custody that would make both parents' financial responsibility even. (His chances of being granted 50-50 custody are slim as the OP is a sahm.)

vardags.com/family-law/guide-to-child-maintenance-for-unmarried-parents
A legal opinion.

The Sharia courts have no teeth at all when it comes to financial support.

Prettyvase · 07/01/2019 04:57

He has done this deviously which is totally unislamic. Your DC are likely to be shocked and unimpressed by his behaviour on one hand but also curious about their new brothers on the other.

He has taken bits of the faith for his own selfish ends such as acting with authority over you and being master of the household and expecting your total obedience in accepting this.

You have been brought up to serve him, cater for his foibles and weaknesses and not rock the boat.

If you want to have an easy life you will do exactly as he says and accept it whatever the cost to your emotional health.

However you are also human, are kind, loving and caring, you have never been anything but a good mother and wife and have a strong faith and moral code and you can clearly see how unjust, unfair, cruel and heartless your DH has been/ acted towards you.

You don't deserve this and luckily as you are in the UK there is also alot of help and support for you within the Muslim faith and outside it if you don't feel you can cope with this news alone.

Good luck op Flowers

Mothergooseflying · 07/01/2019 05:20

So sorry for your situation, I cannot imagine how you are feeling, I think shock would be an understatement, not only are you coping with his betrayal, but also, the way your children must be feeling, you must feel so lost, really not knowing what is true, and how your life is or isn't, or what you are supposed to be (married or not).
If your his first wife, then by British law, you are legally entitled to be treated so, meaning marital status is your's, but I dont know if you had a British legal wedding , or not, so personally, being a woman, with children, not sure how old your children are, the first step for myself, would be to go seek citizen's advice, what have you got to lose? During a chat with a trained person,who may be able to give you legal, and financially, some good advice, that may at least, make you feel, that there is light at the end of a very upsetting road for you i'm sure. Best of luck in your families future plans,

mathanxiety · 07/01/2019 13:39

If your his first wife, then by British law, you are legally entitled to be treated so, meaning marital status is your's,

No, this is not so.

She is not legally married.

She is religiously married. There is a vast difference.

Go to a solicitor for legal/property/child support/maintenance/custody/visitation advice.
Go to CAB for advice on benefits.

whataboutbob · 07/01/2019 18:15

@Mothergooseflying there is no such thing as a first wife under British law. He doesn’t have two wives he has two concubines as far a British law is concerned.

funnylittlefloozie · 07/01/2019 18:25

whataboutbob did you mean to be quite so rude? The concept of concubinage doesnt exist in English or Scottish law. The OP is not a concubine ffs, she is an unmarried partner who now needs proper civil legal advice from an actual lawyer. She also needs to get onto the CMS sharpish.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 07/01/2019 20:26

There is no such thing in uk law as a
Concubine
Common law wife

mathanxiety · 07/01/2019 20:42

The concept of a common law wife does not exist either, in the UK.

You either are or are not a wife. There is no in between, no legal category for relationships outside of civil marriage.

She is a single mother, and hopefully the joint owner of the house she lives in.

whataboutbob · 07/01/2019 22:08

@funnylittlefloozie I agree the word is offensive and it was in no way directed at the OP ( who may well have left this thread by now). I meant it to say that the man in question has gotten himself two women, their emotional engagement, the best years of their life and a brace of children, without affording either of them the protection of the law. He’s quite the operator, that’s really what I meant to say. OP if you are still there that word is in no way meant to reflect on you but rather on him and his treatment of both you and the OW.

NothingOnTellyAgain · 07/01/2019 22:25

Concubine has v offensive connotations and in fact meaning if you look it up.

I think it was a cruel comment.

funnylittlefloozie · 07/01/2019 22:34

whataboutbob, thank you for clarifying. I absolutely agree with you that the OPs husband is the awful one here, by all cultural standards, and is treating both women very very poorly. I really hope the OP is getting some constructive help.

1Rose19 · 07/01/2019 22:34

You need to divorce that fucker!
I am muslim and if my husband does that he will have no balls and and be kicked out i do not give a flip hell no what does the other woman have that his gone after !! End of the day we all have holes .

Leave him your too good why should u suffer for his sexual needs?
He never thought abt u while going to her so why should u think abt shit.
Your IMPORTANT LOVE YOUR SELF AND LEAVE HIM YOU COME FIRST!!

mathanxiety · 09/01/2019 01:36

A religious divorce is irrelevant. It has no bearing on property or on the OP's legal relationship status. It is not the first thing she needs to get done.

nailak · 09/01/2019 18:23

Well thats up to her really isn't it.
You may not see it as binding because it is not enforcable by the legal system, but to people who chose to follow a faith then a religious marriage comes with rights and obligations and she may see it as important to free herself from these as soon as she can.

Haffiana · 09/01/2019 18:44

Hi everyone
Thank you for all the advice that you have given me.
I will make sure I make the best use of it.
I’ve asked to have this thread removed now.
Thanks again.

This thread, where people have made such an effort to be SO helpful to you, will also be helpful to others in your position.

Why do you want it taken down? You have hardly posted anything.

whataboutbob · 09/01/2019 20:05

Nailak her religious marriage was obviously meaningful to her, the problem is that it gives her no real rights which are enforceable by law. The “marriage “ seems to stack things on the side of the husband without providing her with the protection of a legal union. Unless I’m very wrong, Sharia courts can’t enforce child maintenance or help wives access their former partner’s finances.

mathanxiety · 10/01/2019 02:48

Yes, it's up to her, but she needs to make sure her H doesn't dispose of any family savings, drain any joint current account, or do anything nefarious about the deeds or the mortgage. She needs to nail down child support and her rights to the house that is home to her and her children.

I have a RC church annulment. I felt it was important to get it.
But it means nothing in legal terms, and unfortunately the legal or civil world is the one in which children eat three meals a day, need shoes, books, clothes, coats, internet, heat, hot running water, and a roof over their heads.

Areyouongluedear · 10/01/2019 03:04

You don’t have to accept it!
Be strong and take control of your life.
Change the locks, get a solicitor to look at finances, apply for maintenance and benefits/ look for work.
Be happy! You can do thisFlowers

nailak · 11/01/2019 22:03

If it's important to her is not irrelevant.
This is not an either/or situation. Hmm
Shes able to get legal advice and also get a religious divorce at the same time.
Getting a religious divorce does not imply she should not or would not be also getting legal advice.

kidsneedfathers · 12/01/2019 02:40

My 2 pennies opinion: theBritish law must be changed so as to recognize the first woman married by Islamic legislation as a legally married woman. That will give protection to Muslim women. I don't mean to hurt OP the heartless man and his whore (my apologies to their kids) hurt her enough but I am.afraid she has been brainwashed into submission to get man and might now feel guilty for daring posting here. I wish her the best and hope her daughters and sons will distance themselves from such behaviours