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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Discovered husband has another wife and 2 sons

196 replies

Girlintherobe · 05/01/2019 15:26

Hi everyone
I’ve been a lurker on mumsnet for a while.
I’ve learned so much about life from you all.
I feel terribly lost.
I’ve discovered my husband has another wife and two sons that live half an hour away from us.he used to work away during the week and told me that he was earning extra money so we can go on holiday every year.Now he tells me that he’s with her out of guilt and he really loves me.im a SAHM.
He’s in charge of all the finances.

OP posts:
LipstickHandbagCoffee · 05/01/2019 22:12

Ignore the change the locks advice, it’s mn perennial bad advice to any relationship difficulties
If he is home owner or joint owner you cannot lockhimout his own home
You need to stay on the right side of the law

Tweety1981 · 05/01/2019 22:38

You need legal advice . Then you decide what you want to do . You can be strong and independent . Women were not put on this earth to suffer .

OlennasWimple · 05/01/2019 22:53

Does he know that you know?

Are you safe when he comes home?

mathanxiety · 05/01/2019 22:57

It's really awful that your child was the one who found the photo.

Have you spoken to your children at all about this and about the morals of it - you say the children are startled that they have half siblings, but apart from that, how are they feeling?

I take it from your remark that your DP has been more loving towards you since last year that he hadn't been nice before then. How do your children feel about that?

You may want to phone Women's Aid 0808 2000 247.

Original poster
Girlintherobe · 06/01/2019 03:11

My children are aware that it’s completely wrong.
They don’t agree with it at all.
I’m in the north.

OP posts:
Original poster
Girlintherobe · 06/01/2019 03:23

I can hardly sleep.
I keep waking up and sending him lots of msgs but his phone is turned off.
I feel terrible.

OP posts:
nailak · 06/01/2019 03:26

Sis if your nikkah was abroad then it is legal in the UK. If it was done here then its not.
Were you born here? Whats your visa status?

You are his wife Islamicaly. But you do not need to remain his wife if you do not wish to. If you're in East London there's sisters I can refer to that will help
Firstly dont let him let you think this is because you weren't enough. You are good enough. You are attractive and desirable enough. His excuses are just excuses.

What is you relationship with his family? Are they aware? Would they help you?

If your nikkah counted as a legal marriage in the country you had it performed in (places like Pakistan) then if you wish to divorce you should get a legal divorce first then get a khula.

If your nikkah was done here you do not need a legal divorce as although you can tick the married box on forms, it isn't actually recognised as a legal marriage.

Have you got anyone in real life you can talk this all through with?

nailak · 06/01/2019 03:30

If your nikkah was done here and you wish to get Islamic divorce so you are no longer Islamicaly his wife then you can do that.

You have plenty of options. There so many people here that can help you think about finances and so on.

First think about what you want to do.

nailak · 06/01/2019 03:43

Don't disappear OP.
We all thinking of u/making dua 4 u.

Come back with any update in the morning
And feel free to inbox if you want a chat x

Original poster
Girlintherobe · 06/01/2019 04:07

Thanks
My nikah was done here but I was abroad

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 06/01/2019 06:07

That’s unfortunate. And where you were at the time won’t have any bearing imo. But I’m no lawyer.

And if you want to separate, it’s the same for any relationship especially, where children are involved. Getting as much information on his finances - bank accounts, share and investment information, his income and pay slips if you have them and information on the house and mortgage. Companies house will have records of business turnover if his business is a limited company. Then get legal advice before divorcing him (I imagine by repudiating yourself).

sashh · 06/01/2019 07:06

I’m his spouse legally.
But only had the nikah done.

Sorry those two statements contradict each other. Did you have the nikah in the UK? It is not a legal marriage if performed here, if the ceremony was in a country where it is legally recognised then it is legal here.

What an awful situation. Do his family know about the other wife and children?

EatCrisps · 06/01/2019 07:23

OP have you contacted anyone yet for legal advice?Thanks

Cherries101 · 06/01/2019 07:43

If you are not legally married your only option here is to go to Islamic / Shariah court. The fact that he didn’t request your permission for the second marriage, and that you have kids, should guarantee some kind of alimony for you if he’s religious and might even prompt some courts to not recognise the second marriage even if it was ‘legal’ (you should also be entitled to the same support as a wife would be, even after the Islamic divorce)

noenergy · 06/01/2019 08:55

Thanks
My nikah was done here but I was abroad

This is not clear. Do you mean the Nikah was done here but you are from abroad?

I am sure this whole situation is hurting you so much that you didn't know your husband was leading a double life. The thought of sharing your husband with another woman is heart wrenching. Do you have any support in real life?

What about his family? Are they nearby? I'm sure they know about it all!! It's always the first wife that is last to find out which makes the coverup by others feel deceitful.

How long has it been since you found out? I'm asking as it will take a while to think everything through very carefully so you can make any decisions carefully.

noenergy · 06/01/2019 08:57

One thing that is very important for you to find out is if he has had a legal marriage ceremony with her in a registry office. If he has this will leave you in a very bad position as she will legally be seen as his wife, not you.

Original poster
Girlintherobe · 06/01/2019 09:05

Hi everyone
Thank you for all the advice that you have given me.
I will make sure I make the best use of it.
I’ve asked to have this thread removed now.
Thanks again.

OP posts:
DavidBowiesNumber1 · 06/01/2019 09:10

To other PPs, it is possible to get the niqah over the phone, so OP could have been abroad and her (piece of shit) husband in the UK with the iman.

OP if you had your niqah in the UK (wherever you were, UK or abroad) then I'm afraid you're not married under UK law, so have no spousal rights.

I'm so sorry for you. Your whole world has been turned upside down Flowers

You do not have to accept this but it all depends on what you want to do. If you don't want to stay with him then you can easily "divorce" him - you know that.

Stay with him, or leave, you still only have the rights of a partner/co-habitee.

Do you have family who would support you in real life?

ColdCottage · 06/01/2019 09:19

@Girlintherobe I hope you find s solution which makes you feel happy and secure. This is such a horrible situation. I hope this thread has given you some strength. Take care Thanks

nailak · 06/01/2019 14:04

Also you need to check your immigration status and your recourse to public funds etc

MumsyJ · 06/01/2019 14:22

Poor OP Flowers as this is shit. Please listen to the above advice given and start doing something about it. My heart goes out to you and your kids. X

Alfiemoon1 · 06/01/2019 16:23

How awful for you op so sorry. Hope you have got some rl support

Twisique · 06/01/2019 17:32

Look for copies of paperwork about the house, is it jointly owned? Get copies and take them to a solicitor for advice.

mathanxiety · 06/01/2019 19:00

Not so at all, Cherries.

Her only option is to go through the civil courts, if she is in fact the joint owner of the house. This is her only property she can legally claim as a result of the relationship. She cannot count on child support or alimony. He can choose to be decent and offer child support, but she would be wise to make him do this under the civil law - to sign an agreement that the family court will approve.

There is little guarantee of alimony or child support, however, through the civil court, since they are not legally married.

But there is no guarantee of alimony or child support if she goes through a sharia court. No decision of a sharia court can be legally enforced so a settlement drawn up under the aegis of a sharia court is worthless.

He has already scoffed at the tenets of Islam wrt marriage anyway, so the likelihood of him respecting a sharia court is probably zero and the OP has no comeback against him if he decides to flip the bird at it all. He can scoff all he likes at the civil court though, and still be made to comply with any agreement entered into or face direct court orders that are enforceable, or contempt of court proceedings if the OP chooses to bring them.

Cherries101 · 06/01/2019 20:21

Some Sharia courts in the North of England have teeth. They would make it impossible for the husband and his muslim family to live in society unless the alimony was paid. Some even collect from relatives. That’s why it’s vital for her to go.

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