Discovered husband has another wife and 2 sons

[Girlintherobe]

Hi everyone
I’ve been a lurker on mumsnet for a while.
I’ve learned so much about life from you all.
I feel terribly lost.
I’ve discovered my husband has another wife and two sons that live half an hour away from us.he used to work away during the week and told me that he was earning extra money so we can go on holiday every year.Now he tells me that he’s with her out of guilt and he really loves me.im a SAHM.
He’s in charge of all the finances.

Sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it.

Can you talk to CAB?

Under Sharia law, if you divorce him, will he give you a fair proportion? My wild! guess is you might aswell piss against the wind.

She can talk to whoever she likes, but it's not going to change the fact, that she's not married under British law, and she can either like it or lump it

Yes but if the nikah was performed legally in another country it may be recognised in the UK

Call this number, they may be able to advise you. mwrc.org.uk/what-we-do/helpline/

Snoz you’re really not helping:

He insists that I’m his wife and i have to get used it.

No you don't have to get used to it.
Thats abusive. Don't take a word he says on face value.

The biggest thing you need is advice. Your marriage is highly unlikely to be legal.

www.theguardian.com/world/2017/nov/20/women-uk-islamic-wedding-legal-rights-civil-ceremony-marriage

This article mentions the Muslim Women's Council which gets calls weekly from women asking what their legal rights on this are.

I bet thats a good place to start, as even if you aren't in their area the chances are they can point you to someone more local to you, who can help or give you support.

OP - what RL support do you have? Do you have a friendly and supportive mosque who can help with moral support at the moment?

You need proper legal advice on your options, so that you can decide what is best for you to do in terms of the house and your financial set up

If your ceremony was performed in the UK, it is not a legal marriage. If it was performed in certain other countries, it is possible that it can be recognised as a legal marriage under UK law

I'm going through divorce from a Muslim man at the moment, as is my SIL, who was married abroad. If you have only done the nikah, and it was performed here in the UK, with no civil marriage, you will not be able to divorce, as you are not legally married, and you will not have any of the recourse to financial provision that legally married couples have here. You're basically considered as co-habitees, so no rights to any assets that aren't in joint names. If however, you were married abroad, where the Nikah is a legally recognised marriage in the country it took place, you will be able to divorce here in the UK, provided you have the marriage certificate.

OP, you really need to decide what you want to do, and please get some proper legal advice if you are going to leave the relationship.

@MakeMyBrownEyesBlue polygamy ( or more correctly polygyny) is legal in most Muslim countries. Those that explicitly outlaw it eg Tunisia, are in the minority.

@whataboutbob yes it's legal, but rare. It's said less than 0.1% of men have more than one wife in the Islamic world. Many simply don't want another one, and there are certain rules they must follow according to Islam.

For example, the man must be able to treat them all equally and most of all, AFFORD to treat them all equally. That means buying them both their own houses, and spending the same amount of time with all of them.

Furthermore, some Muslim countries require men to seek approval from the family court before taking a second wife, where he must prove why he needs a second wife and how he can provide for her.

Snoz have you thought about taking the hint from some of your posts being deleted??

@MakeMyBrownEyesBlue- this probably isn't the place for a debate, but I suspect it's done covertly in many cases and not according to all the rules outlined in the koran. in the Muslim country I grew up in, most of the cases I knew of involved deception on the part of the man, as in the OPs case.

The nikah is not worth the paper it is written on as far as your legal rights go if issued in the UK. You may well be religiously married but you are not legally married. There are many important distinctions between the two.

Have the births of your children all been registered? Is your DP on the birth certificates?

If you decide to separate from him, get a financial settlement (child support, custody and visitation schedule), gain the right to live in the house or force sale of the house so you can buy somewhere else, please, please go through the civil courts, where the property issues will be decided under the terms of civil law.

Please go to a reputable solicitor and find out where you stand, what are your rights and the rights of your children.

Your 'H' sounds like a man who likes to get his own way.

Luckily for you, there are limits as to what he can get away with under the civil law.

Do not fall for his lies or threats. You have rights. Go to a solicitor and find out what they are.

As far as the house being co-owned - is your name on the mortgage?

This is separate from utility bills being under both names.

do your family and parents know what’s going on

I'd change the locks and go to citizens advice to see what support you can get then head to the job centre.

He has betrayed you in the most terrible way. I'm so sorry. Do you have a supportive family or friends? How old are your children.

This man sounds deceptive and controlling. You deserve better.

I know that the British legal system has recognised this problem of Nikah without civil ceremony and divorce .

I did a quick search and there’s a news article that you might be interested to read

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2018/08/01/british-court-recognises-sharia-law-landmark-divorce-case/amp/

‘British court recognises sharia law in landmark divorce case’

This might be good news for you .

Have a read and get legal advice as the lawyers will be able to advise you .

I hope U r okay

I’m sat here while he’s with her.
Feeling furious but nothing I can do right now.

Changing the locks is what I'd be doing

I can’t even begin to imagine what you’re feeling/how you’re feeling. This is an Everest climb as far as emotional processing goes. I wish you nothing but strength, for you and your four children, as you try and see your way through this. Can you talk to parents/siblings/cousins? Do you have a supportive person you can turn to right now?

What an awful shock, you poor thing. Plenty of sympathy from me here too. I hope that your future is the life that YOU want.

Bollix to her being ''more accepting of his needs''. You have the right and the need to be treated with honesty and respect.

Op there's nothing you do to change them but that doesn't mean you don't have choices

You have our support.

There’s plenty you can do, An day that’s to start planning for the future. Decide what you want to do. Don’t believe what he says.

Look up the websites listed above, and start getting informed. Find out your rights, what you are entitled to, where you can get support and help from, whats in your area etc

Stay safe.