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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Discovered husband has another wife and 2 sons

196 replies

Girlintherobe · 05/01/2019 15:26

Hi everyone
I’ve been a lurker on mumsnet for a while.
I’ve learned so much about life from you all.
I feel terribly lost.
I’ve discovered my husband has another wife and two sons that live half an hour away from us.he used to work away during the week and told me that he was earning extra money so we can go on holiday every year.Now he tells me that he’s with her out of guilt and he really loves me.im a SAHM.
He’s in charge of all the finances.

OP posts:
Yellowpanther · 05/01/2019 15:53

What are you going to do? Why is he telling you all of this now? I'm sorry for you and your family xxxx

SexNotJenga · 05/01/2019 15:53

You need proper legal advice. I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

ShesABelter · 05/01/2019 15:54

How many years have you been together. What does your husband work as?

NotTheFordType · 05/01/2019 15:55

If the house is jointly owned then you're pretty much in the same position you would be if legally married. The only thing you miss out on is a claim on his pension.

He will still have to pay maintenance.

Serialweightwatcher · 05/01/2019 15:56

Don't know what the heck to say other than I'm so sorry - how awful for you ... an affair is bad enough, but this Sad Sad ... I hope you can work things out Flowers

MeganBacon · 05/01/2019 15:56

I have learned the hard way in life that if a partner really wants to hide some truth from you, and he's a good liar, he can, and it is no fault of yours that you believed him, it's a sign that you were a normal trusting person who lives by a moral code. Nothing to be ashamed of at all, not stupid at all.

PoutySprout · 05/01/2019 15:58

I’m not legally married.

Oh shit.

WhatsUpHun · 05/01/2019 15:59

Anyone who is human will have sympathy for someone who thought they were in a committed relationship ( 1 2 1) and finds out they are being cheated on - makes no difference what religion they are

gottastopeatingchocolate · 05/01/2019 16:02

So sorry, OP.

I assume he isn't legally married to the OW, either?

I have no idea where you stand in all this, but hope that you can find proper legal advice.

BIWI · 05/01/2019 16:04

Is he legally married to the other woman?

MamaDane · 05/01/2019 16:04

Leave him. Don't stay in the marriage just because of financial reasons. He literally lied and betrayed you for years. I am disgusted on your behalf. I don't care what religion you have, but you deserve better.

peridito · 05/01/2019 16:06

There is a section on MN that concentrates on Legal stuff ,maybe post on there ?
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/legal_matters

I'm so sorry that you are in this position OP Flowers

Ovendoor · 05/01/2019 16:07

This is awful. I've no advice but wanted to send you huge hugs.

diddl · 05/01/2019 16:09

So neither of you are legally his wife?

Does that mean that you could just leave him?

Snoz · 05/01/2019 16:09

Ok, so he can't be done under bigamy law. Why do you call him your husband if you're not legally married? Did he spellbind you with some religious bullshit?
I couldn't give a shit what religion you are, but there are cunts who use religion to leave women in utterly horrendous situations (my religion of childhood being one).
You have as much rights as a live in partner. I.e. None.
Which, if you decide to leave him, is going to leave you screwed really if there are accrued assets - you'll have no rights to those.
You will have rights to maintenance for the children.

What do you want to do?

Snoz · 05/01/2019 16:10

I will also hazard a guess that he's not a PAYE employee, but rather a 'businessman'? So he can fiddle the accounts? Tell me if I'm guessing wrong, but I've come across this bullshit personally unfortunately.

Snoz · 05/01/2019 16:12

The other reason possibly that the OP mentioned their religion is that men are allowed several wives, as many as they can provide for emotionally and financially under Islam.

FrancisCrawford · 05/01/2019 16:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Missingstreetlife · 05/01/2019 16:14

Sorry op, you don't deserve this. Your husband is a liar and a cheat, not your fault.
If she also isn't legally married you could be beneficiary of his pension etc. You could legally marry if you want, or he could marry her.
You have two issues, whether you want to stay with him, and are you prepared to share. In either case you must get legal advice and protect yourself and your children.there are Muslim women lawyers who will not stereotype you.
She should do the same but went into this willingly so less sympathy there. This is not a traditional polygamy because it has been kept secret and without consent, nothing to do with being Muslim. You are entitled to respect in any faith.
Do you have family members who will help you, is there anyone in your community who will support you and advise your husband of his responsibility?
You will get through this op, your sons need you. It's a terrible shock.

Snoz · 05/01/2019 16:14

Technically, the cunt hasn't broken any law, British or Islamic. So he will see no issue with what he's doing. Is he abusive?

Original poster
Girlintherobe · 05/01/2019 16:15

I’m his spouse legally.
But only had the nikah done.

OP posts:
Flamingchips · 05/01/2019 16:15

Did he spellbind you with some religious bullshit?

Please don’t be so disrespectful. The OP has said she is religious herself.

brizzledrizzle · 05/01/2019 16:15

If you are his first wife then I don't understand why you aren't legally married? Was it a religious marriage and not a civil law marriage?

Original poster
Girlintherobe · 05/01/2019 16:16

He insists that I’m his wife and i have to get used it.

OP posts:
Salmakia · 05/01/2019 16:17

Am so sorry this has happened to you, I can't imagine the shock and upset you're feeling. Not having a legal marriage will make things trickier if you separate but you should be able to get some advice and support. Muslim women's network run a helpline, the number is 0800 999 5786/ 0303 999 5786 I hope they can give you some guidance on what's best to protect yourself financially going forwards.