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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband throwing me out with child

176 replies

sher77 · 04/01/2019 15:16

Please help me. I divorcing my husband (against his will) because he has been emotionally and physically abusive to me. I have a three year old. In October I sent him the divorce terms to review and he wouldn't agree them and said 'it would be on his terms' when we divorce and when he has enough money (to take me to the cleaners).

We are still living together as he said we should continue to agree to live together until finances are sorted out (he was looking to remortgage a property he owns, however, he wasn't able to).

On New Years day, he told me he wasn't going to renew the tenancy on the current property we live in and the lease ends February 20th!! He said he doesn't care where I live and if I can't find suitable accommodation for our son, he will take him from me.

The only way I can move is if I go to my parents and hour and a half away but that means commuting to work (three hours total) and more importantly taking my son out of preschool as I couldn't feasibly get us both to my work and his school and pick him up as I work full time.

Anyone know what my rights are or what you would do in this situation?
Waiting for citizens advice to call me back, but they haven't been great to be honest.

I cannot afford legal fees and he knows that.

He said I can stay if I pay half the rent but he earns twice as much as I do and its not feasible to do so!

I've been with him for 16 years (married for 8).

Any help or advice or support as Im a mess.

I'm taking my son to my parents this evening to get away as its not healthy for him to be around my husband. He's alienating my boy from me and I just feel so low about this whole thing and worried for my son and I.

OP posts:
Santaisfastasleepatlast · 04/01/2019 15:18

Contact the ll and ask for the tenancy renewed in your name only.

Hopoindown31 · 04/01/2019 15:22

santa she can't afford it.

You need to get some legal advice, but you can't force him to renew the tenancy I'm afraid.

NotTheFordType · 04/01/2019 15:24

OK. You have a legal right to remain in the marital home until the lease ends on Feb 20th, so you have some breathing room.

If you could wave a magic wand, would you prefer to move back nearer your parents and find a job local to there, or would you prefer to find a new place for you and your son where you are currently?

I would really recommend calling Womens Aid for advice too. If you have any record of the physical violence (e.g. visit to GP, conversation with HV) you may be entitled to legal aid in your divorce.

Housing charity Shelter also worth a call.

If worst comes to worst and you don't have anywhere to go when the tenancy ends, the council will be obliged to house you and your DC. It will be in a shitty B&B, but you won't be on the streets and your H has no right to "take him off you" whatsoever.

JustbackfromBangkok · 04/01/2019 15:25

Call Womens Aid asap. They will give you advice and support.

NotTheFordType · 04/01/2019 15:25

And if you work somewhere that's a chain, could you look into transferring to a branch closer to your parents? I'm assuming your DC is in the early years of Primary school so moving schools at this stage is really not that big of a deal.

Santaisfastasleepatlast · 04/01/2019 15:26

Op you may be eligible for some housing benefit if you can't afford full rent.

Original poster
sher77 · 04/01/2019 15:31

Hello and thanks for your messages.

I can't move out of the area as my life is here (work, friends).

My work is important for me to keep as its a good job with a good salary and Id be stupid to leave it :-(

I don't think I'd get housing benefit as I earn too much. Whilst I earn a good salary my outgoings are very high as well.

My husband went to jail for a night for domestic abuse but he got away with it due to lack of evidence.

Im struggling emotionally with how someone can do this to me and what will happen to my son. He says he will take him away from me.

OP posts:
Original poster
sher77 · 04/01/2019 15:31

I think I tried a Women's Aid number and the office was closed today. Ill try Monday.

OP posts:
Original poster
sher77 · 04/01/2019 15:33

My husband hit me in front of my child and yet I am the bad mother apparently.

OP posts:
StillIRise87 · 04/01/2019 15:33

You will get legal aid if you are a victim of domestic abuse if you earn under a certain threshold. Please call rights of women or womens aid for advice.

StillIRise87 · 04/01/2019 15:34

020 7251 6577 Rights of women

Dragongirl10 · 04/01/2019 15:36

OP Take a deep breath, you must ignore all he says and get independant advice straight away.
See a solicitor, ( usually first 30 minutes are free)
Call Womans aid for advice.
Go on the 'entitled to' calculator to find out what benefits you can get.
Speak to Citizens Advice too.

Only then can you decide what to do.

Dragongirl10 · 04/01/2019 15:37

Just read your update....work out a budget, how little could you live on if you had to? What can you ditch?

Would it leave enough for a flat for you and your son?

Dragongirl10 · 04/01/2019 15:38

If he is abusive he will not be allowed to take your son, please don't listen to him he is trying to bully you again.

Original poster
sher77 · 04/01/2019 15:56

I'll be in a much better position in June when my little one goes to school as won't be paying out nursery fees. Its just managing until then.

I just spoke to a solicitor and she said I have no rights to stay in the home as it's rented and in both our names.

If I move back to my parents for a while, I can save enough money to move back to where I am now. Im just worried about my son and the impact on him (obviously not what my 'husband' is worried about.

The lawyer said I can start child maintenance process now so I will do that. By the time I move out in February hopefully that will kick in. I know he has to pay it, but he'll find a way around it for sure.

I just know he's going to be difficult and will say my son won't be allowed to come with me to my parents. I just want to protect him from all of this and he loves his grandparents so guess can say its like a little holiday? How do I explain this to a three year old who thinks his dad walks on water?

OP posts:
NewDOOFUSfor19 · 04/01/2019 16:01

Can I just point out that a lease doesn't "run out" it simply goes onto a rolling contract (so month to month). I also don't know what kind of solicitor you spoke to but you have every right to stay in the house, as does he, because it's in both names. I think you need to find another solicitor, the one you've spoken to hasn't advised you very well!

Dragongirl10 · 04/01/2019 16:02

OP you are doing the best for your son, he is 3 and doesn't know what is best for him, the good think is he doesn't need to know the full story, make it an adventure.

I feel worried H will up the abuse if he knows you are about to leave, can you speed things up?

Also as you are earning why do you not have any money?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/01/2019 16:02

Do not stay with him until June, it will simply give your abuser more time and opportunity to wear you further down.

Is this Solicitor you spoke to fully conversant with all the facts surrounding your case?. I would seek further opinions on the legal advice this person gave you. Is this person well versed in the ways of manipulative and otherwise abusive men?. The Rights of Women organisation are well worth contacting here and you may get legal aid.

Moving back to your parents seems feasible. do not stay with your so called husband until June. Doing that simply gives him more opportunity to abuse you and in turn your child who is picking up on all the vibes here.

Original poster
sher77 · 04/01/2019 16:05

Sorry I'm new to chat forums so don't know how to reply to each message.

Its a year contract for the tenancy. I thought the same thing about the solicitor advice as I thought he still had an obligation to myself and my son for suitable housing as we are still married.

I agree ie potential further abuse, he's pushing all the buttons to work himself and me up.

It was his idea to end the tenancy. Well only recently to screw me over as back in October he said we would stay until we worked things out but I think it was all part of his master plan.

My outgoings are very high. I pay nearly £600 a month in childcare and have a lot of debt.

OP posts:
Original poster
sher77 · 04/01/2019 16:08

I agree with last posters comments on further opportunity to abuse me. He calls me names in front of my son or says 'mummy is too skinny' or things like that.

I had a free consultation with a solicitor but don't feel entirely confident that I had the right advice.

I just called Womens Aid and couldn't get through but will try the other organisation as well.

I feel like his has won as this will make me suffer and in turn my child.

OP posts:
Original poster
sher77 · 04/01/2019 16:26

Also, I don't see my 'husband' much as he works nights. I see him for half an hour a day and thats it. Every other weekend he works. So, when he's not working, I won't be here in the interim period.

OP posts:
Hanab · 04/01/2019 16:30

Sorry that you going through all this op 🌷 may I ask if he is earning more why are you solely paying childcare? Surely he can pay at least half?

HeebieJeebies456 · 04/01/2019 16:30

I just spoke to a solicitor and she said I have no rights to stay in the home as it's rented and in both our names.
They omitted to mention that you could carry on staying in the property, paying what you can afford and let the LL apply to court for eviction.
That takes time so you would have time to find alternative accomodation/save up.
Also, if you were being evicted then you could apply for housing via the council etc.

Do your own research as well as getting new legal representation.

HollyBollyBooBoo · 04/01/2019 16:32

But eviction notices show up on your credit report don't they? Would the Op then be fucked in terms of ever renting again?

Op I really feel for you, absolute nightmare. If possible I'd go to your parents ASAP.

Villagelifer · 04/01/2019 16:36

Would your parents be able to help you temporarily with dropping off and picking up from a nursery local to them until you get back on your feet?
The commute is not ideal but it's doable if you get some help with childcare and being away and not on your own might be best if your husband is abusive.