Husband throwing me out with child

[sher77]

Please help me. I divorcing my husband (against his will) because he has been emotionally and physically abusive to me. I have a three year old. In October I sent him the divorce terms to review and he wouldn't agree them and said 'it would be on his terms' when we divorce and when he has enough money (to take me to the cleaners).

We are still living together as he said we should continue to agree to live together until finances are sorted out (he was looking to remortgage a property he owns, however, he wasn't able to).

On New Years day, he told me he wasn't going to renew the tenancy on the current property we live in and the lease ends February 20th!! He said he doesn't care where I live and if I can't find suitable accommodation for our son, he will take him from me.

The only way I can move is if I go to my parents and hour and a half away but that means commuting to work (three hours total) and more importantly taking my son out of preschool as I couldn't feasibly get us both to my work and his school and pick him up as I work full time.

Anyone know what my rights are or what you would do in this situation?
Waiting for citizens advice to call me back, but they haven't been great to be honest.

I cannot afford legal fees and he knows that.

He said I can stay if I pay half the rent but he earns twice as much as I do and its not feasible to do so!

I've been with him for 16 years (married for 8).

Any help or advice or support as Im a mess.

I'm taking my son to my parents this evening to get away as its not healthy for him to be around my husband. He's alienating my boy from me and I just feel so low about this whole thing and worried for my son and I.

Met my ex twice and no relevance to this. My husband also had an affair. Not looking for judgement.

My son is very close to my husband and I fear it’s going to be incredibly difficult for him when he has to move away from his Dad and how he will cope

Well you have decided to stay close geographically, so that something

I didn’t say that my outgoings affect it I just said that I have a lot that’s all. It wasn’t in reference to benefits. Not sure why I’m being attacked now

Thank you x

Not sure why you felt the need to do this either. My thread is on my husband throwing me out with my child and has nothing to do with affairs. My husband was physically abusive to me and had an affair before me which doesn’t make it right but I’m not looking for someone to try and shake me. No reason for it as not relevant.

AND I have nothing to hide. But go ahead and try and make me out to be a bad person.

This forum has been amazing for me to get support and really helped. I don't need to be attacked for something that is not relevant to this thread.

Don't worry about it. No judgement here from me anyway. Been there. It's not a game of moral one upmanship and life is complicated.

@WhatsUpHun
So your advice would be to Keep job.
Therefore violent STBEH collecting child daily. Most violent men are not just violent. They are controlling, manipulative, untrustworthy, spiteful, narsassitc. Excellent qualities for looking after a 3 year old.
The chances are unlikely that STBEH becomes civil after formal separation. Chances are his behaviour escalates.
3 year old used as pawn in a toxic break up. Op not that close to family, but as long as she has a job, i don’t suppose that all matters. It’s obviously all about the money (in your view)
Think about the qualities of a good parent that are absolutely fundamental in raising a child. Stability, safety, love, support ( not in that particular order)
Op knows her STBEH well. Sadly many of us do too as we’ve been there. Courts will eventually become involved and I know for a fact, whether op has s job or not is irrelevant. Whether she is able to provide for her child and give stability, safety etc is essential. Handing dc over to a violent man unsupervised is not necessarily essential.
If and when the time comes for courts to be involved as STBEH has escalated his behaviour etc, how do you think it will appear to the judge that op is complaining of his behaviour, yet saying, ‘well yes, I kept my job and continued handing my child over to this violent man even though I knew he was violent beforehand and these were the grounds for my divorce’
The op has asked for advice so she can make an informed choice for herself and her son. Please don’t belittle people’s advice in a derogatory way. It’s inappropriate.
Nobody is suggesting op doesn’t ever work. Just that it’s obvious she is expressing that it’s going to be difficult under the circumstances.

@ISdads Thank you for your message. I really appreciate it. Life is complicated and nothing is clear cut.

@ozziewossie

Thanks for your continued support here. Everyone has their opinions on this which is valued, but ultimately I have to make it as I am living in the situation and will not whats best :-)

Just know I appreciate all of your feedback ad kindness to take your time to give your opinions and support me x

BTW my grounds for divorce are unreasonable behaviour, lawyer suggested not to bring in the violence otherwise it could put his back u even more...

@Ozziewozzie
So your advice would be to Keep job.
Therefore violent STBEH collecting child daily

From the op other post

My son is very close to my husband and I fear it’s going to be incredibly difficult for him when he has to move away from his Dad and how he will cope

And did you miss the bit about alternative child care? Where is it in law that the other parent has to pick up from school?? You would rather the op gave up her career, had no way of supporting herself and child? Relies on benefits?

Op is on 50k, and can afford child care, if she can't because of debts, it's not going to be any easier if she gives up work and is suddenly on a lot less money....

Your advice is absolutely appalling

Ladies - everyone has their own opinion.

I didn't want this thread to be anyone attacking anyone.

Let's just be focused on sharing positive messages :-)

Everyone would have their own way of doing things ;-)

x

OP have you contacted Womens Aid and/or the rights of women family law helpline as suggested by PPs?

Do you have a solicitor with experience in abuse? If not you need one. Ask about legal aid and if you don't qualify you must use a solicitor anyway.

What's the total debt and are they debts in your name or joint names? It sounds as if there could have been financial abuse in addition to the rest? I don't understand why you were paying half the rent plus £600/month childcare costs and food, when he was earning so much more than you. He was paying the other bills but they can't have been more than the ~£800+ you were spending every month?

You said Citizens Advice haven't been helpful but I don't know if you've talked to them about your debts? As they are generally good on debts. Alternatively you could call National Debtline or Stepchange.

I'm an adviser at Citizens Advice and I would suggest that you put your debt repayments on hold or reduce them to the minimum repayments until you have resolved the situation with your separation/divorce and finding somewhere new to live.

You said you've applied for UC. Are you already claiming child benefit?

You’re not going to get a penny of benefits :s

I haven’t claimed any benefits before.

I tried calling Women’s Aid on Friday but offices closed so will try again Monday. I’m not sure if lawyer has abuse experience but I’ll ask. I need a specialist I think as you said.

Citizens advice suggested mediation which a man of this type would never do. My main query was on housing and my question wasn’t really answered on my situation or my rights to stay in the house.

Do I need to let debtors know I will stop payments? I’m already paying minimum.

My soon to be ex said I wasn’t contributing anything at all! He used it to undermine me. I’m so confused as other posters said I was paying a lot too and he said I was paying nothing. I’ve no idea how much he spent on bills.

I’ve just realised he threatened to knock my brothers head off in front of my son. Surely this can be seen as threatening behaviour and he can be removed from the property!?

How much are your debts?
Are they in your name?
Are they in joint names?
Are they in his name?

(Seriously, you will not be entitled to benefits. Do not give up your job)

OP your posts raise a lot of issues. I don't want to minimise the abuse but unless you are unsafe then the most pressing issue is to find somewhere to live. Then you need to file for divorce. All of which means you need to get on top of the family finances. By that I mean find out everything about the rental property, pensions, his income and debt.

I think you also need to face some facts which are important for the here and now. You cannot afford a 5 bedroom rental because of your personal debt. Equally if you earn c£50K you are unlikely to get benefits. You need to keep your job and relocation is probably not advisable.

As I see it you need to find a 1-2 bedroom rental that will allow you to get your son to nursery and you to get to work. For that you will need a deposit and a month's rent in advance, c£2-3K. But your credit rating is going to be a problem. So start thinking about guarantors and maybe 6 months in advance. Otherwise you will need to move in with your parents.

Try to not to focus on your ex's actions and behaviour. He's creating drama and trying to intimidate you. Whatever you do, don't instantly react to his drama. Start to be businesslike and organised about moving out and on.

The outcome of this is that your son will be living with you most of the time and your ex will have to pay CMS and give up a lump sum from the net assets. It you both accepted that 12 months ago it would be done and dusted and you would have saved yourselves a lot of money and avoided your ex-husbands arrest.

@WhatsUpHun
I will treat your response with the contempt it deserves.
How on earth could you possibly establish whether OP is entitled to benefits or not?

There is a process to be followed of which I am certain is not lead by you personally. Without a job OP will be entitled to Full universal credit, including reasonable rent payments, council tax contributions and a weekly income. Also, child tax credits with 0 working income.
In this situation OP will be able to write to debtors or contact debt support agencies and inform of her significant change in circumstances.

Without her current job, OP will be able to choose to live in an area far less attached to STBEX, perhaps closer to her parents.
I must highlight to you that these are suggestions so OP can make an informed decision. Many people on here are offering valuable advice based on real life experiences, to help OP, as opposed to being derogatory to others.
Op has already shared that she may consider setting up her own business, which could be tailored perhaps to work around her son. An au pair is good but would take to get in place. Op has already expressed that she has already had too much time off work.

@whatuphun

Debts in my name, around £15k.

I went onto entitled.com

Its capped above a certain salary.

Whatever I do or don't get is a bonus.

Ask a debt advice charity about a DRO

@Ozziewozzie

I will treat your response with the contempt it deserves.
How on earth could you possibly establish whether OP is entitled to benefits or not? You can do what you like love, but OP earns 50k.... do you think that she should be able to claim any benefits?

If OP gives up her job (she would be an idiot for many many reasons) then she will have to wait to claim, have a lot less money coming in, then would be expected to go back to work when DC reaches school age? She would have fallen off the career ladder, kiss goodbye to her pension....
What she could do, is think about going part time, or compressed hours, but to give up her career, where she earns a lot more than a lot of people, would be certifiable

OP also stated that DC and DP have a great relationship.....?

@LemonTT

Thanks, Im not looking for a 5 bed. I am looking at two beds.

Unfortunately, my STBEX wouldn't let go of me and I found it hard to leave. I've been stupid enough to think things would change, but it hasn't.

My parents are happy to stand as guarantors so thats good.

Yes, I will not rise to the bait from my STBEX. Hes doing it on purpose. I'll minimise the time I see him (its barely an hour a day anyway).

The divorce form is ready to be posted. Without going through the process, I can't get a financial order in place which is imperative.

BTW, I have NEVER claimed benefits and never considered it so I don't know what the issue is with anyone saying I won't get it or I 'earn too much' which is why I was reluctant to provide my salary details.

Its all relative anyway. Someone could earn £100k and have outgoings that leave them with £100 a month and someone earning £30k could have minimal outgoings and have £1,000 a month spare.

Anyway, this isn't about financials, this is about support - emotional, practical and not being focused on figures.

And I would never give up my job. Ive worked too hard to get where I am and my son needs a decent standard of living as do I (NOT a five bedroom house by any means) and I don't want to rely on a man or benefits solely to get me through this.