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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband throwing me out with child

176 replies

sher77 · 04/01/2019 15:16

Please help me. I divorcing my husband (against his will) because he has been emotionally and physically abusive to me. I have a three year old. In October I sent him the divorce terms to review and he wouldn't agree them and said 'it would be on his terms' when we divorce and when he has enough money (to take me to the cleaners).

We are still living together as he said we should continue to agree to live together until finances are sorted out (he was looking to remortgage a property he owns, however, he wasn't able to).

On New Years day, he told me he wasn't going to renew the tenancy on the current property we live in and the lease ends February 20th!! He said he doesn't care where I live and if I can't find suitable accommodation for our son, he will take him from me.

The only way I can move is if I go to my parents and hour and a half away but that means commuting to work (three hours total) and more importantly taking my son out of preschool as I couldn't feasibly get us both to my work and his school and pick him up as I work full time.

Anyone know what my rights are or what you would do in this situation?
Waiting for citizens advice to call me back, but they haven't been great to be honest.

I cannot afford legal fees and he knows that.

He said I can stay if I pay half the rent but he earns twice as much as I do and its not feasible to do so!

I've been with him for 16 years (married for 8).

Any help or advice or support as Im a mess.

I'm taking my son to my parents this evening to get away as its not healthy for him to be around my husband. He's alienating my boy from me and I just feel so low about this whole thing and worried for my son and I.

OP posts:
HeebieJeebies456 · 04/01/2019 16:37

i don't think it does Holly.
Only unpaid debt shows up and that's only when it's gone through the debt recovery procedure and still unpaid.
You can still make payments for recorded debt and then have it cleared off your file once completed.

Beelzebop · 04/01/2019 16:38

Hello OP, sorry to hear about your troubles. Just wanted to say, don't worry about your debt too much at the moment. That is the least of your worries. You can sort payment plans if necessary, but please don't stay until June. Trust me on this, personal experience!

Original poster
sher77 · 04/01/2019 16:43

What is LL?

I know I can apply for child maintenance and I will do that ASAP.

He pays most of the bills for the house, so I pay childcare, food.

Thank you for all your support. I really appreciate it.

I was trying to bide my time in this so called marriage but I can't let this wear me down. I'll just have to do what I need to do for myself and my son to get away from this horrible manipulative and emotionally abusive person.

OP posts:
Original poster
sher77 · 04/01/2019 16:45

Yes, my parents will help in anyway I can.

I know the courts look at stability though, thats what I am worried about.
Also, I am paying out for the nursery here as theres a three month notice period..So, I'd be paying out twice.

My son needs stability and thats why Ive tried to stay to get him into school and move out in the summer when I had more finances available.

All his dad cares about is hurting me and making me suffer.

OP posts:
Original poster
sher77 · 04/01/2019 16:48

I thought I could apply for a court order to remain in the property..

I don't want to face eviction though.

Does anyone knows anything about property orders?

OP posts:
peekyboo · 04/01/2019 16:53

Long term your son will have the stability of you and him being out of this marriage.

Short term, could your parents do childcare while you're at work? You'd lose the money at the nursery but also wouldn't have to fit it into your schedule while you were travelling more.

June isn't a giant distance away, long enough to find somewhere else to live, short enough to put up with the commute, esp without needing to drop off at nursery too.

For what it's worth, I think you should leave now. Go home to your parents, build emotional stability, be safe and start to find happiness again. Everything else will work out from there.

CocoCharlie83 · 04/01/2019 16:56

Users saying you can stay at the property are failing after tenancy has ended are failing to mention that your DH can as well. It may be best to get away from him to your parents so you have the space to get yourself organised away from him.

ISdads · 04/01/2019 16:57

Have you put in a claim for single parent tqx credits/universal credit?

RomanyRoots · 04/01/2019 17:07

Go to your parents, give notice at nursery, ask parents to child mind whilst you are paying notice.
Find a school local to your parents, save up a deposit and look for a job in your parents area.
Cut your losses and move to where you have a support network.
You'll get another job and make new friends. If your other friends where you are now are true friends well they'll offer help and keep in touch.
If they aren't the type well they aren't friends you'll miss.

ChristmasFlary · 04/01/2019 17:09

If it's not to personal a question, what is your yearly income? Are you absolutely sure you can't get financial help?

anniehm · 04/01/2019 17:17

I'll be honest, move home, pay off debts and look for work closer - yes moving isn't ideal but getting rid of debts means you can then move out without financial problems. Can your parents do some childcare? Anything to pay down debts. Meanwhile ensure you keep a diary of abuse including emotional and financial, the courts don't look kindly on a bully

Echobelly · 04/01/2019 17:19

I'm sorry you're being put through this. Abusive men often seem to play the line about getting the child taken away from the mother, but it's a hollow threat. I honestly wouldn't worry about disruption for your son, thankfully he's not at school yet and he's young enough to be adaptable, so I think you should go to your parents ASAP so you can rebuild your strength. Is your job at all doable from home so you could avoid commuting every day?

HollyBollyBooBoo · 04/01/2019 17:26

Just looked on Experian website for you...

While positive rental payment history may be included in your Experian credit report, your report will not show eviction information. Eviction records can be found in a separate rental history report, which can be obtained through a tenant screening company or through Experian RentBureauu_.

So personally I wouldn't want an eviction on any rental history report as I can't imagine anyone would ever rent to you again which could be very limiting for your future.

Original poster
sher77 · 04/01/2019 17:29

Thanks everyone.

I think building my emotional stability is the right thing to do. If I move back for a few months and commute (I work from home one day a week on a fri) so I can do it.

I have kept a diary for over a year and still continuing to make notes on his behaviour.

My parents would love to look after my son, they love him to piece and he loves them very much too. He'll think of it as a holiday I think.

I haven't put in any claims for anything yet as he chose to tel me he wants me out on New years day...

Id rather not disclose my income. ;-) But my husband earns twice as much as me. He said he owes me nothing and will only pay child maintenance and thats it.

We live in a five bedroom property and I couldn't care about that so much but don't courts take into account standard of living? Thats why I wasn't keen to move out now.

Im getting another opinion from a lawyer on Monday.

My support network is here where I live with my friends. Its only my parents at home I have no friends there and I think I'd feel worse.

OP posts:
Original poster
sher77 · 04/01/2019 17:31

Thank you Holly, very kind of you to take your time to research that for me :-)

I kind of thought about maybe getting someone else in to rent a room but I guess that would be weird.

I just feel like my soon to be ex has the upper hand because he has the money to take me to court and this is all on 'his terms' even at the detriment of our son.

OP posts:
Original poster
sher77 · 04/01/2019 17:32

I think uprooting my life somewhere else and changing jobs would be too much for me. A divorce with a bitter, abusive husband is quite enough for anyone to manage :-(

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 04/01/2019 17:32

You need references for renting. If you stay and don't pay all the rent...it can make it difficult.

You may then require a guarantor...who also needs a credit check.

A lease can run out after the agreed period if not renewed. It does not simply roll on.

A tenancy agreement states when it ends.

Please listen to your solicitor.

SandyY2K · 04/01/2019 17:34

And subletting is usually in breach of the tenancy...so be careful.

Original poster
sher77 · 04/01/2019 17:34

Thank you. I need to check the agreement but I think there must be a clause somewhere this close to the tenancy ending. I think its three months notice.

OP posts:
Original poster
sher77 · 04/01/2019 17:35

Thank you. I spoke to the landlord and he said it was fine to sublet.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 04/01/2019 17:36

Have you considered moving to a 1 bedroom flat for now. That'll be much cheaper than a 5 bed.

Your STBXH is trying to get a reaction from you. Don't engage with him. He may also be required to pay spousal support to you.

SandyY2K · 04/01/2019 17:37

I spoke to the landlord and he said it was fine to sublet.

Excellent. You can rent out a couple of rooms.

Applesaregreenandred · 04/01/2019 17:44

I think if you are going to family court in respect of child arrangement order / contact it will make very little difference to them if one parent earns, say, £60,000 pa and lives in 5 bed house and the other earns, say, £30,000 and lives in one bed flat. It won't make any difference to your DC either.

I would absolutely speak with Women's Aid. Domestic abuse is about far more than physical violence. I would also ask for advice regarding a solicitor who is experienced in working for women who are victims of DV.

Original poster
sher77 · 04/01/2019 17:50

Yes, thank you. I was looking today for specialist divorce teams dealing with emotional abuse and parental alientation cases and have examples of all of them for over a year.

Don't get me wrong, I don't want a 5 bed. I would happily live in a one bed just to get away from him and have peace of mind and sanity.

He bought my son a hamster two days before Christmas Day and knew I was very against it. We discussed it for years and I told him I didn't want an animal in the house. What does he do? Goes and buys a pet to provoke a reaction from me and of course use it against me as where will this pet live now? Not that important but you get what I mean about game playing.

OP posts:
Original poster
sher77 · 04/01/2019 17:51

He'll either have to pay spousal or lump sum thats for sure. Well, he earns £100k and thinks he can get away with not giving me anything but a drib from the house he owns.

OP posts:
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