Husband throwing me out with child

[sher77]

Please help me. I divorcing my husband (against his will) because he has been emotionally and physically abusive to me. I have a three year old. In October I sent him the divorce terms to review and he wouldn't agree them and said 'it would be on his terms' when we divorce and when he has enough money (to take me to the cleaners).

We are still living together as he said we should continue to agree to live together until finances are sorted out (he was looking to remortgage a property he owns, however, he wasn't able to).

On New Years day, he told me he wasn't going to renew the tenancy on the current property we live in and the lease ends February 20th!! He said he doesn't care where I live and if I can't find suitable accommodation for our son, he will take him from me.

The only way I can move is if I go to my parents and hour and a half away but that means commuting to work (three hours total) and more importantly taking my son out of preschool as I couldn't feasibly get us both to my work and his school and pick him up as I work full time.

Anyone know what my rights are or what you would do in this situation?
Waiting for citizens advice to call me back, but they haven't been great to be honest.

I cannot afford legal fees and he knows that.

He said I can stay if I pay half the rent but he earns twice as much as I do and its not feasible to do so!

I've been with him for 16 years (married for 8).

Any help or advice or support as Im a mess.

I'm taking my son to my parents this evening to get away as its not healthy for him to be around my husband. He's alienating my boy from me and I just feel so low about this whole thing and worried for my son and I.

Forget your debt short term.
You have to think long term. You have to think of yourself and your son. You are the decision maker. Trust yourself.
Personally I would get myself to Womens Aid Refuge. Just go. They give you support, advice and a lovely new start in s new area.
I know this because I’ve done it with 3 kids. I have never ever looked back.
I made it an adventure for my children. All 3 were in primary school. The support available is huge and I was set up with a gorgeous new life in 3 months. My kids are thriving, Everything is ours. Nobody can take it away.
Your little one needs you to stand up strong for him. This is your chance to make that stance. Fuck abusive men. They will always be that way unless they seek professional help themselves.
My ex h did everything he could to leave my children and I in the shit. Woman’s Aid saved us. The second I stepped into a refuge, I could really breathe again. My kids were supported, I was supported. Why the dick ass government spend more money on nuclear weapons than women’s aid I’ll never know.
Whilst your lo is do young, do it now. Please don’t believe, living a few streets down will things change. My ex h just raised the game. Shouting abuse through my letter box, stopping money, punching me then denying it. Emotionally abusing my children. It was hideous. Your dh will never ever allow you to move on with your ds. He will make your life a misery. Start afresh and bite the bullet now whikst you can. I told my boys we were secret 007 agents in hiding. They loved it.
Woman’s aid also get you great debt advice so you can start again on the right foot. Cab is incredibly slow. There’s enough help online. Keep your phone on you at all times. He will do anything to stop you being ok.

Thank you so much Ozziewossie for this message. Its really inspired me and wow well done to you for being so brave and with 3 kids! Amazing.

Yes, my phone is with me at all times.

I am just waiting for him to 'switch' on me. He has a split personality as one minute he's kicking off and the next he's dancing downstairs without a care in the world with my son to show me he couldn't care.

I trust in the journey and it will all work out, I have to. I have no choice. do I.

Because I earn less he always made me feel inferior like I was worth nothing and I didn't 'contribute' which is nonsense. Have seperate bedrooms and lives for years. Didn't let me go out with friends, if I did I was selfish. Doesn't have any friends himself, doesn't see his family and his family never see my son. Its so fucked up.

Im a strong person, but its just knowing that Im in for a hell of a ride with him.

Sounds exactly like my exh. I worked too but left my job and went into the refuge. Best thing I ever did. It gives you breathing space to work out what to do next with no pressure. The support is huge.
I saw it as an adventure. New start, new life. You’ve got the whole of your life ahead of you with your lo. Don’t kid yourself in thinking time will heal. 12 years on my exh is still an angry twat with the world. My revenge on him abusing me for so long was to fly, with my kids without him dragging me down.
How important can a job be when your world is falling apart. X

Op I was in a similar situation 10 years ago with 2 pre school children. Only difference was I was in our mortgaged home. I ended up out of the house and struggled to find anywhere as I wasn’t working due to kids ages and had no references or any money....

If you have ‘proof’ of domestic abuse you could get legal aid. For me there was never (stupidly) and police involvement but I went to the doctors previously and mentioned it in passing and was on my medical records so thankfully ended up with legal aid.... I was granted residency of my children despite the fact we were almost homeless (2 days to spare) with nothing to our name so don’t worry about that.

Also make sure you’ve got his national insurance number and employer details as this will make the child maintenance situation a lot easier to get processed. Don’t accept him going for 50/50 custody as he will only pay you peanuts. Make sure child benefit (if you get it) is in your name only. If you don’t have your own bank account get one now and make sure it only goes into your own account.... I know you don’t want to say what you earn but definitely go on entitledto.com and put your details in there. It’s very accurate.

You must keep strong. Men like your H are unpredictable and will lie and cheat their way through life. My ex used to use my kids against me when he had them every other weekend. It traumatised my dc. Thankfully now, after me going back to court, he is now not allowed access

You can arrange for the hampster to be rehomed or given away when you move. Find a story to spin to your little one.

If he wants him to have a pet... it can live with him.

I can see why he's not in contact with his family.

OP, if your husband earns £100k, which is double what you earn (so 50k) you should be able to rent a much cheaper place in your name easily. Can you consolidate your debts for much lower payments?

You’re taking home £3k a month. Hard as it might be to believe, £600 a month for childcare is actually a fairly low childcare bill so you’ve still got £2400 to play with. Even if you say £500 for Bill’s, £250 for food you’re still looking at being able to pay £1500 on rent without breaking a sweat.

You’ll be fine.

And you’ll be able to claim child benefit which will bump it up.

Hi there,

My outgoings are £2,200 per month on bills including the rent I pay towards my husband. Rest goes on food and petrol and living expenses.

I will have to cut back. Husband was taking equity out the house so we could repay off debts and reduce our monthly outgoings. Id be able to manage easily then. Of course, he won't do anything about it now until it goes to court.

Yes my husband is very unpredictable. Albeit I think he's planned this all along to be honest.

Can I claim child benefit based on my earnings?

My husband is self employed (contractor) but I think he's employed through a company so Ill find out details.

I have proof of abuse as he went to jail in April...Then I left and came back and he kicked off again so the police were called by a neighbour.

Cant believe this is my life.

From a lovely family and had a good upbringing and had someone drag me down for 16 years.

Ozziewozzie - so you ex still plays games after so long? How lovely.

Biggest mistake of my life marrying this piece of shit.

Ok you probably won't like this but I have experience of this myself and I know what the courts will say and do in your situation.
Firstly nothing is on his terms a divorce will be on the courts terms so don't let him bully you.
Secondly my advice is to give up your job straight away and move in with your parents.
I know this is tough but you then qualify for legal aid and can fight for your child and you also have a nice secure home with family support.
The courts love this and will not take a child away from a secure home like this.
There is plenty of time to get a new job when the divorce is over.
He won't be so cocky then, he will be paying maintenance and doing as he is told.
A court will not be impressed at all with you travelling for hours a day and unable to look after your child properly.
I did it and won and it was worth it. It did not damage my long term career prospects at all and I got another job as soon as everything was settled.
Good luck.

He was taking out equity? Of a rented house ?

Are you paying half the rent? Or is it proportional to your income?

Get advice from Shelter but on your income you should be able to rent.

Do you have any access to savings, can your parents help with a deposit, or will there be a deposit back on current house?

Going forward on finances, standard of living is not really a factor, unless he had mega earnings. Depending on your age it's unlikely you will get spousal, perhaps enhanced CMS to reflect childcare.
You will be eligible for child benefit if under 60k, graded if above 50k.Assume 50:50 on assets split and anything else will be a bonus.

I understand the shock of when a husband turns on you as I had similar. I naively thought Ex could be reasonable but I had caused him a narcisstic injury so he was very vindicative. Be prepared for smear campaigns so it will be best to live separately as he will use anything against you. A friend stayed living with her Ex for practical reasons and he used the time as "evidence " to claim she was an unfit mother..such as photos of unmade beds,dishes left unwashed.

It is likely your Ex will block any future moves (common abusive men tactic) so only stay in the area if you are sure you have sufficient support. Now you could legitimately move as potentially homeless. It will be trickier to prove to court later on when your son is settled in school and contact with his dad established.

I think a hamster might be good for your son so perhaps embrace it if your son is very keen.

You can’t take equity out of a house you don’t own. Does he have another property?

Would your employer consider letting you work from home more often for a period of time considering your exceptional circumstances?

You currently have a 5 bed house- can you not start looking ASAP for a 2 bed( either house or flat) for you and your son. I don’t know where you live but I think that would be doable cost wise rather than moving back to your parents?

@sher77
My exh is self employed high earner but has his accountant fix things so it looks as though he earns 9k a year. He offsets the majority of his salary to his new wife. CMS cannot do anything about this.
Going into the refuge got me rehomed to other end of country. He’s made no attempt to see kids (thankfully) but try to say to CMS they were not his kids! Luckily they ave DNA test procedures. By law he must pay Maintensnce unless he can prove by dna he’s not biological father. Of course he’s declined the tests. Rather than get 850pm I get far far less, and it includes 4K arrears.
If your ex has been violent, and you have a child, I would cut your losses and get out of there.
Seriously, men like this can be incredibly dangerous. The pressure of losing you can push them over the edge. By filing for divorce as I did whilst still living with him, his behaviour escalated and he went to great lengths to try and leave me with nothing. In the end I just walked away with minimal money and left him to everything in the house. Believe me starting again was exhilarating. Every single item I lay in our new home was untouched and unchosen by him. He had no control whatsoever.
Afterwards though the court cases followed, accusing me of being a bad mother. Luckily courts are used to this and pretty much laughed him out of court.
My only regret is that I’d left sooner. I really worried about my kids missing their dad, but surprisingly we all just got on with our lives. He’s practically never been mentioned again.
Your role is to look after yourself and your 3 year old. If your ex wants a relationship with your lo, he needs to engage and complete courses for his anger.
I would put in an application for residency order too. As sadly I found out ex has as many rights to kids as I do. He once collected them from school and threatened to never return them again. Police can do nothing. Protect yourself and your lo ASAP.
I gave up my job and spent a year settling my kids and making our new routes. It was well worth it. Please don’t sit it out thinking he will suddenly wake up reasonable.
Your rejecting a very sad pathetic narsasist. In his view ‘How dare you. You will pay’

@madcatladyforever
Great advice

He owns a property in his name...we lived in it for ten years together. He never put my name the deeds.

I don't think my employer would let me work from home more. Im the only person in the company that does and it just wouldn't be feasible :-(

The agreement we had for years was I would pay half the rental (he pays the other half, in addition to the bills on top) and I pay childcare costs and food. Considering what he earns, I don't think that this is me 'not contributing'. Its all control and bullying.

Yes, I can well believe he will be gathering evidence against me. To be honest he told me that I am doing the same as he's doing it to me. I don't have access to savings. I am tempted to sell my wedding rings and a ridiculously expensive watch he gave me, but I guess I should do it after the divorce?

Regarding property, I live in Hertfordshire and its expensive. I could probably manage a one bed for now, its just I don't think I can move in six weeks time.

I feel like I need the stability of my job, but if the courts look at it dimly that I will be commuting, I'll have to reconsider, however, surely, this is negative on him as he was the one who is essentially giving me the ultimatum to move.

@ozziewozzie - you describe my ex very well....he's a narcissist and controlling. Funnily enough, someone else said to me that they are worried as men like this can be dangerous...you just don't know what they are capable of. And its exactly that 'How dare you, you will pay'.

Everything was always MY fault, couldn't do anything right, put me down for years, couldn't even wash up as he had to do it his way and when I did he would say 'What have you done, wiped the dishcloth with your arse'!!!

I think I need some counselling to be honest with you.

I feel very scarred from this.

What's a residency order??

Best thing for you and your ds is to move. If you're near him, he will piss you off. Subletting is fine BUT how do you propose screening tenants? What if one of them is a total PITA/unsafe around children? Rent somewhere smaller and more affordable. You do not need to stay in a 5 bedroom house or the hassle of finding tenants.

You need to ask the landlord if your husband has given notice.