Husband throwing me out with child

[sher77]

Please help me. I divorcing my husband (against his will) because he has been emotionally and physically abusive to me. I have a three year old. In October I sent him the divorce terms to review and he wouldn't agree them and said 'it would be on his terms' when we divorce and when he has enough money (to take me to the cleaners).

We are still living together as he said we should continue to agree to live together until finances are sorted out (he was looking to remortgage a property he owns, however, he wasn't able to).

On New Years day, he told me he wasn't going to renew the tenancy on the current property we live in and the lease ends February 20th!! He said he doesn't care where I live and if I can't find suitable accommodation for our son, he will take him from me.

The only way I can move is if I go to my parents and hour and a half away but that means commuting to work (three hours total) and more importantly taking my son out of preschool as I couldn't feasibly get us both to my work and his school and pick him up as I work full time.

Anyone know what my rights are or what you would do in this situation?
Waiting for citizens advice to call me back, but they haven't been great to be honest.

I cannot afford legal fees and he knows that.

He said I can stay if I pay half the rent but he earns twice as much as I do and its not feasible to do so!

I've been with him for 16 years (married for 8).

Any help or advice or support as Im a mess.

I'm taking my son to my parents this evening to get away as its not healthy for him to be around my husband. He's alienating my boy from me and I just feel so low about this whole thing and worried for my son and I.

@anotherEmma - I will ask about DRO-Thank you.

So much to think about and organise in a few weeks! Really don't know how to digest it all. I guess priority is getting somewhere to live.

BTW, I have NEVER claimed benefits and never considered it

sher77 Fri 04-Jan-19 22:28:16
I'm 41, I will have to look into what benefits I am entitled to. I really thought he'd have to pay spousal.

sher77 Sat 05-Jan-19 11:25:58
I just looked at child benefit and tax credit and based it on my current address and living alone. I am entitled which is great. Should I do an application now on my current address or my parents? I don't know where I'll be in 6 weeks....

Also, anyone know how quickly it is processed? Thanks so much.

Fantastic that you wont give up work though! you can do this!

Op, well done..it will all fall into place.

Good idea to hang on to your job, it will give you the independence.

An pair can be a fab solution to childcare at school as it works well with the hours allowed. If you get the right person it will be so beneficial.
Keep going, it will get easier.

@whatsuphun

Thank you! xx I've got this..kept telling myself that!

@lifebegins50

Really liking the idea of the au pair. If I start looking now and have a transition period before LO starts primary school, it could work. I have a friend who uses one and she couldn't live without them!

The only problem then would be I'd need a three bed place. Eugh. Positive thinking. Positive thinking mantra.

So sorry you are going through this OP, I think you’re doing everything you can. I would sell the expensive watch and get a deposit together for a flat in the area which you feel you can afford on your budget. Apply for all the benefits you are entitled to and leave the big expensive rental.
Whether your STBex likes it or not you will be entitled to half of everything he owns and they may give you half his pension and some spousal maintenance also. As you are the primary carer of your son he will have to pay maintenance. Be prepared for him to kick off big time when his Lawyer tells him these facts. Also financial proceedings take a while so I would just prepare to pay things on your own for the time being but it will be worth it to get away from him. When you commence divorce proceedings ensure your top reason for divorce is physical and mental violence and abuse. He will not be able to contest this and the divorce will be pushed through by the judge whether he agrees or not. You should also be entitled to legal aid in these circumstances. HTH

@Middersweekly

Thank you...I feel I've achieved a lot already by putting things in action.
You are right, he will kick off as he said 'he doesn't owe me anything and I need to stand on my own two feet'. He did say many moons again I would get half but then he starts saying about taking off things like costs of refurbishment to the property he owns, credit card debt we lived on when HE wasn't working, etc...

My lawyer advised to kept the divorce form 'vague' and not go into emotional and physical abuse in case he doesn't agree with it (Well, he hasn't 'agreed' to the vague terms Ive put down, so he def would have a problem with anything more targeted to paint him out as the horrendous person he is.

I hope the judge also takes into account his behaviour in terms of giving me six weeks to find somewhere to live (regardless of what happens to his son as he cannot look after him working nights!). This will hopefully all go against him.

This is so exhausting and only just the beginning :-(

I will def check on legal aid as I don't have savings etc to pay for lawyer fees.

@WhatsUpHun
Please read carefully before you jump down peoples throat. This thread is not about me and is certainly not personal to you. Nobody has suggested Op will receive ‘benefits’ whilst earning from her job. The benefits would come into play once she is unemployed.
The possible break suggested would be either a) to set up own business or b) once settled and took up a new job. We were talking 6 mths/year as a suggestion!
A pension won’t be lost in this time. Op would not have fallen off career ladder. Op has already implied starting her own business is a positive idea.

With regards to STBEH and ds, I’m sure all is currently ok in your view. Op has been victim to his aggression. Whilst living with him she has been his focus. He has been working nights and every other weekend as stated.
A violent person lacks self control. There is a real danger that this could occur with ds. Op has also stated that STBEH is using son as a tool and manipulating him against her. This is incredibly toxic and very damaging to a child. A 3 year old is not mature enough to work things out for himself. So daddy being all ‘wonderful and mummy being so very terrible is not father and son ‘getting on well’.
People who are violent and controlling have emotional issues and they require help. STBEH is NOT seeking this. Everything is of course op’s fault ‘in his opinion’

Now please either offer something constructive or move to another thread.
Op has asked for support, not interrogation or to witness derogatory remarks on yet more people in this world.

@Ozziewozzie
You read what you think you are reading, and feel free not to read what I put. HTH

Keep your job till you get a house, then consider giving it up. No exh needed to collect. No drop offs. No pressure

How is this going to help OP with no income?

@WhatsUpHun
Need I say more? You’re just beginning to make yourself look silly now.
Bye

Hi ladies,

I just wanted to say thanks for all your help and advice.

I've found a place that I love thats super close to my sons preschool and my work! My parents will help out in the interim period until my son is settled and the place is available immediately so I can move before my STBEX does!

Today he sent me a text to say we can renew the tenancy contract and he wants to keep trying!! NO THANK YOU.

Just wanted to update you as so much can change in a few days. I feel empowered and ready to take the next step and hope its for the best.

Distance is what is needed and I feel like I can breathe finally after years of stress and upset. I know theres more coming, but I'll expect the unexpected.

Sending love to you all and thanks again x

Well done indeed. I strongly suspected he was bluffing and all credit for calling it. Don't tell him what you are doing yet. He told you he was ending the tenancy so he must have assumed you were looking for somewhere else. Tell him you will let him know nearer the time when it is settled if he asks.

Please move on with your life. Get the ball rolling on the divorce and make you CMS claim. Ask him what he thinks is fair in terms of access. When he tells you, just thank him and say you will consider it. Take you time responding and be assertive but dispassionate. He will be trying to goad you by being unreasonable, dont react. Be reasonable and show willing to compromise.

Have been following this thread, pleased to read Op's update.
Onwards and upwards OP!

@LemonTT

Indeed! Bluffing or not, he will pay the price now! I won't tell him anything albeit would love to see his reaction if I told him I've secured somewhere to live!

I've done so much in the last couple of days and feeing proud of myself :-) Applied for CMS already to get the ball rolling as know it takes a few weeks. Hopefully I will get it settled by March.

I can just about manage February as sons nursery fees are lower next month.

Really looking forward to starting afresh.

Just hope I can manage my son, but my focus is just him now, so fingers crossed.

@HazelBite - thanks for your message xx Onwards and upwards - absolutely x

So very very happy to hear you have found a place and have the help of your parents!!

I kinda thought he might be bluffing since he is a mean arse.

It might be difficult for a month or two but you certainly will make it.

You have the benefit of a good well- paying career that many of the women on here don't have, and no way I would give that up either over some asshat man!

Again, well done and cheers to your new fuckwit free life.

@pissedonatrain

Thanks so much!

I am actually so excited! Strong, independent woman! Screw him!

Agreed. Also if she gets evicted then she will be seen by the council as having made herself homeless, and they will not be obligated to rehouse her. If she appealed she might get a long term room in a shared house if she was lucky, but I highly doubt she’d be given a flat or house by the council if she gets evicted. If she goes to the council and says she is a victim of domestic abuse they have to give her some sort of housing. She will become a priority. It may not be a palace but it’ll be better than having an eviction on your record, and they are likely to offer something better fairly quickly.

Wow, disregard my message. Well done on sorting things out. May your life be full of wonderful things. Good luck to you. X

@pink993

Thanks for your messages! I'm just waiting for the tenancy agreement to be agreed and he's now begging to stay! Kharma.

Onwards and upwards! Hope my experience inspires other women as things can change so quickly and I'm looking forward to a new chapter in my life without an arsehole husband!

xx

Well, I guess theres such a thing called Kharma. My soon to be ex just got sacked! Great.

Anyone know if he still has to pay child maintenance? I know they wrote to him last week about it and he's agreed in writing to me a set amount until its sorted out via gov.

Any advice please?

Thanks x

@sher77
How are you doing?
I hope you have managed to move to your new place and your life has started to get better

@butterfly56
Thanks so much for checking in! I am doing just great thank you.
I move into a lovely new place on Saturday and feeling positive about my new chapter. Ex is being a nightmare, but to be expected!
Onwards and upwards :-)

xx

@sher77 ...that's great news and wishing you loads of luck with your new chapter/life.
The peace of mind you get when closing your own front door and not having to put up with anymore crazy making behaviour is priceless!!
You're a star!