Husband throwing me out with child

[sher77]

Please help me. I divorcing my husband (against his will) because he has been emotionally and physically abusive to me. I have a three year old. In October I sent him the divorce terms to review and he wouldn't agree them and said 'it would be on his terms' when we divorce and when he has enough money (to take me to the cleaners).

We are still living together as he said we should continue to agree to live together until finances are sorted out (he was looking to remortgage a property he owns, however, he wasn't able to).

On New Years day, he told me he wasn't going to renew the tenancy on the current property we live in and the lease ends February 20th!! He said he doesn't care where I live and if I can't find suitable accommodation for our son, he will take him from me.

The only way I can move is if I go to my parents and hour and a half away but that means commuting to work (three hours total) and more importantly taking my son out of preschool as I couldn't feasibly get us both to my work and his school and pick him up as I work full time.

Anyone know what my rights are or what you would do in this situation?
Waiting for citizens advice to call me back, but they haven't been great to be honest.

I cannot afford legal fees and he knows that.

He said I can stay if I pay half the rent but he earns twice as much as I do and its not feasible to do so!

I've been with him for 16 years (married for 8).

Any help or advice or support as Im a mess.

I'm taking my son to my parents this evening to get away as its not healthy for him to be around my husband. He's alienating my boy from me and I just feel so low about this whole thing and worried for my son and I.

I'm 41, I will have to look into what benefits I am entitled to. I really thought he'd have to pay spousal.

Herts? So a 2 bed in Watford is about £1250 a month, discussed this today whilst fixing something for my tenants in Luton.

A residency order (gained through the courts) allows you to stay where you live and get your husband out but I think it would be silly to stay in a 5 bedroom property.

It doesn’t matter if your name is on the deeds - it is still a joint asset as you are married, so will be taken into account during the divorce.

Also you are doing an amazing thing - well done, stay strong

(& get yourself a shit hot lawyer ASAP - it’ll be worth it in the long run)

@maelstrop - Thank you. Yes, I feel very unsettled around him and hes just alienating me from my son. Its awful.

Im just thinking of options really.

I was going to contact the landlord today, but thought if my husband wants to end it, he should be in contact with the agency, not me. I think it looks worse on his part when it goes to court what he's done.

@maelstrop - Yes, Herts. I guess a residency order will take a while though.

I had a shit hot lawyer and then had a £1,500 bill for all of one meeting and a few emails. I just don't have the money and my credit rating is shit.

@chipsandgine - thank you. I don't feel that amazing at the moment but I must not let him pull me down more. Thats what he wants.

Your all amazing, thank you for your support. I wasn't sure if anyone would post and this is really helping me gain my strength and get my power back.

Honestly I doubt you’ll get spousal on an 8 year marriage given that you are in a high paid job.
Also as he is self employed it’s incredibly common that they cook the books to significantly lower their earnings to avoid paying the child maintenance at the level that they should.
Ring StepChange for some debt advice and see if you can do something to reduce your outgoings.

Hi OP, I just wanted to chip in as I have been through something very similar myself. Just practical legal stuff really. I self-repped through financial and children's matters in court. I just want to reassure you that you are not on trial here, particularly with financial matters. There is a formula and the court adhere to it, assets will be split in terms of your individual needs and currently yours are greater. Your STBXH can think what he likes but it works how it works and he will just have to suck it up. I think it's unlikely you will be awarded spousal maintenance as you are a reasonably high earner and that is usually reserved for different circumstances and indeed is often short term.

In terms of children's matters, I would ensure you apply for residency. How contact is worked out will be a different matter. As there has been DV, you should not need to attend mediation at all. There really is no point in mediating with people like this though, because they simply can't.

I wish you lots of luck and strength, I know you have a difficult few months ahead of you but once you are free of this prick, it will be well worth it. Good luck

@Ozziewozzie I just wanted to tell you to go back to the CMS and ask for a referral to the Financial Investigation Unit. There have a lot more power now. I won't go into masses of detail but your ex manipulating maintenance in the way that he is can be dealt with as can him diverting his salary to his wife. She can be brought into proceedings too. Go and visit Gingerbread. They have a lot of information and useful forums and it is clear that a lot of people are unaware of what the CMS can actually do. It takes some persistence but I think in your case it would be worth investigating! I hate these bastards who think it's OK to do this. Scum of the earth.

I wouldn't give up a good paying job like you have. You say all your friends are where you are now. Would one of them rent a room to you for a couple of months until you can get your own place?

Can you afford a 1 bedroom where you are if you don't pay his damn bills for February?

He may be bluffing about moving out too. Has he actually started packing up or found another place?

Since you said you credit is already shite, just stop paying anything except for the child care and food for you and your child. Then take your pay and get a small place asap. You can catch up and make arrangements with your creditors later. Do you have access to a joint bank account?

@Sher77 I'm in Herts too which means you'd likely be under the same court that I was. Contact and residency took 10 months from start to finish, however, we had to have Cafcass involvement and a Section 7 report. My ex-h also had to have a period of indirect written contact then supervised contact before the Final Hearing. I don't know enough about your circumstances to know if this would happen with you, but that was my general timescale.

You mentioned that working from home isn’t really accepted within your organisation, however you may wish to speak to your line manager about your current situation and propose this as a short term arrangement until June.

This might be more palatable to them than risk losing a good employee and having to recruit a replacement which may take longer.

My advice is to stop paying towards anymore bills for the house immediately.
Cancel everything with your name on it.
He has the money to pay, you don't because you need the money to live somewhere else.

Don't tell him any of your plans. Don't confide in him about anything, as he will only use it against you.

The first thing to do is to get all your mail redirected to your parents address for the time being because he will not let you have access to anything once you move.

You financial position is so precarious because he has you paying out far more than he is in proportion to your earnings....it's financial abuse and coercive control.

The fact that you have realised what a shit he is, is a major breakthrough for you.

When you go to your parents take as much stuff as you can each trip so that you can store it at their place. Take as much documentation as you can regarding bank statements, passports, birth certificates. etc.

You will be able to cut back on your spending when you have left him and will probably be so much better off once he has stopped draining your finances.

Don't rush to a solicitors as you know they are expensive.
If he wants the divorce let him pay and run up a massive bill.
If you want advice for free go to the wikivorce website and there's loads of info for free.

Just concentrate on finding yourself and your son somewhere safe to live e.g. an apartment with secure access if possible.

You could manage with one bedroom.

Make sure that you can take some furniture with you at least 2 beds and anything that will make life easier for you.

Talk to your friends about your serious situation and they may be able to help find you somewhere instead of trying to do it all on your own.

Check with solicitor or google it at a friends house (one you can trust)
But usually in uk when parents divorce there isn’t usually a custody battle. Kids generally just stay with mum (not always though)
Without a residency order, outlining the living arrangements agreed by court, your child has 2 official homes and 2 parents with equal rights.
Let’s say your dh wanted to be a bigger tosser than he already is and you’ve moved out with child. He could collect child and never return them. There is nothing you can do except go to court and battle for the return. A residency order (I think) prevents this. If you have one in place and your exh doesn’t return your child, police and ss can intervene.
I didn’t have one but by the time everything escalated, I was in a refuge at the other end of the country.
I would however, if you child hoes to nursery or day care, privately explain circumstances and make it clear your child is NEVER to be collected by exh without your permission as this could be very distressing for your child.
Before I left I’d arranged with my kids primary school a code word, just in case he got another female to pretend to be me. I was so glad I put all this in place as he did try to turn up in the middle of the day to take the kids, luring them with Easter eggs. The school called me instantly. Bastard. He was a horrible father to my children, and the thought of him swiping them makes my stomach feel sick to this day.

I know you live your job, but how good is a job if your personal life is at risk. I promise you, it’s VERY unlikely a new local address is going to make everything better. He will Be interrogating your child in visits, twisting things, accusing you of giving your child bruises. He will turn up late or not at all to collect child (purely because he won’t stand the thought of you having time to yourself and possibly going on a date. It will never end.

My exh was the model parent for the first 6 weeks, and I couldn’t believe my luck. I really thought he’d seen the light. Then he suggested we give it another go! I obviously said no and that was it. He stopped paying his money on time, I ran into debt. I had no idea I could claim benefits back then. It was hideous, court date after court date.
A new start far away from him was my shining star. My children have thrived in a balanced, healthy home. Ones at uni, one doing a levels and one doing GCSE’s.
Being a single mum is far easier than living in a toxic environment.
After a year, I went into ft employment and cane off benefits and worked my butt off for my children. Benefits helped me massively. That’s what they are there for, people in need. Sadly far too many abuse the system but you will not be one of those.
The system can rehome you, help you with furniture, money, debt, change of name. I did it all and to this day an still incredibly grateful.
Do this for you and your lo. Claim the life you deserve.
Or move to parents and find somewhere to rent, with new job. It could also work, but I personally wouldn’t stay close to him or allow overnight visits, not if he’s aggressive.

Thanks so much everyone. I am feeling empowered after reading all your posts. I cannot believe how supportive this forum is. So glad I posted.

I'm at my parents at the moment and for the first time in ages I feel like I can BREATHE.

I am going to start the child maintenance application today presuming that he will only be having him once every two weeks for an overnight stay. He's slightly screwed due to this working patterns as he works nights (6pm-4am) and every other weekend. Oh he did say that if 'I couldn't look after my child' he would pay a night nanny to look after him! WTF. Idiot. Like any court would see a stranger looking after my son.

He's running scared and making threats.

He does do collect and I do drop off so I'll have to see how I work around this.

Im in two minds about my job and whether to start afresh here at my parents.

Not sure a court would look kindly on me leaving a job and not being able to support my child financially? I don't want him to throw anything monetary at me in terms of not being able to support LO.

This morning, he's sent me a text of a video of my son - all mind games. He's so good at playing them. IGNORING it. All tactics.

I def won't stay in the rented property. Making plans to move and get all my ducks in a row. As one poster said why give him the opportunity to gain evidence on me and further alienate me from my son?

I'll check on the residency order.

Once June comes around and I stop paying nursery fees, I'll be in stronger position.

He had time off over Christmas (two weeks) as did I and he went to bed EVERY night at 8.00pm WITH my son. I felt alienated and alone. New Years Eve I said Im not spending it alone at home so I went out with friends at 10.30pm (When my son was obviously supposed to be in bed), but he kept my son awake on purpose and then the next day he was throwing me out because I had the audacity to 'leave' them on NYE. Its a joke. He doesn't want me to live my life - all control.

Not sure he will be aggressive now, he'll just push my buttons to try and make me a mess. But with these men you never know, do you.

My son bought up that he had hurt mummy and she fell on the floor on Christmas Eve and he blamed me for it! That was the turning point and why HE is upset with ME.

Cant wait to start my life over and get the one I deserve.

Action today on putting plans in place.

Im a strong woman and won't let anyone pull me down anymore.

I just looked at child benefit and tax credit and based it on my current address and living alone. I am entitled which is great. Should I do an application now on my current address or my parents? I don't know where I'll be in 6 weeks....

Also, anyone know how quickly it is processed? Thanks so much.

Also, how is it paid?

Oh STBEX was packing up and cleaning yesterday like he was moving. He maybe bluffing but I doubt it. Hes made comments the last few weeks about 'Im in for a huge wake up call' and he would find somewhere for him, the hamster and my son to live so...

@TheFormidableMrsC
Thanks so much
I have already passed it to them and received a call. 5 maths ago. I have heard nothing since.
I will chase it up on Monday though. But I feel his accountant knows all the CMS loopholes. He also had 8 years maintensnce free as back with the CSA dividends were not taken into consideration and so he paid his salary of next to nothing each month and then paid himself dividends.
Sometimes I feel the bastards in life seem to be the winners. So unfair.

@sher77
Get your son and go. He could take him from you. Just get in the car or call a cab and get the hell out of there. Taking your son will break your heart. Your ex is violent. He’s not safe to be around your son alone whilst under do much pressure.
If you can busy yourself around the house, grab essentials, papersetc get your son and ‘pop out for a walk’ Get your keys phone, purse now so he can’t withold them from you. Pretend you need nappies or something. If he insists on going with you, get to a public place and scream you need help.
He’s playing mind games with you which is worrying in itself.
Please make today the last day you ever share a house with him. In just a few hours you could be sat with your family, safe, supported and loved. None of which your test of a husband can give you.
Be cool, be calm be smart. X you can do this

@sher77
Tax credits and child benefit are paid normally directly into your bank account.
Give your parents address so you can receive post etc. Obviously not your current address. Tax credits under your circumstances should be quick.
You are going to be alright. In fact you are going to be far better than alright. Hang in there, you are doing great. Almost free with far more breathing space.

Thank you..

I've just made the application for tax and child credit, I have to verify my address so I hope its ok being as I am still registered at being at my 'marital home'.

I am at my parents now and will have to go back tomorrow for work on Monday. I have to..

I also have years of belongings in the house and will need to gather everything up and clear everything out in the next few weeks. I'll just minimise the time I am in the house when he is there. This weekend is 'my' weekend and the next is his so I won't be there.

He's just called me and left a voice message very calmly and sweet saying he wants to speak to his son. I've taken off my voice message facility on my phone and turned it off. He can speak to LO when I am ready, not him.

I agree ie the bastards in life winning. He will probably get much joy in m having the bulk of childcare as he thinks 'I won't be able to live my life' but in fact I will be free of his bullshit.

Sick of the mind games, tactics, manipulation, emotional and physical abuse, alienation from my son. No more. Enough.

Is your son with you now?

Fyi, Finances and child residency are separate processes in court and typically don't cross over. Courts don't look at behaviour as it's seen as "he said, and said". The dv will be relevant for legal aid and mediation waiver.
I separated from a similar man 2 years ago.
It is important to get into a different living space. You will be able to rent in the short term..see it as step 1.It may not be as comfortable as you are used to now but it moves you forward.
You can move to your "final" house when finances sorted.

The assets and debts will be considered in the overall solution. A judge would look at equity available less debts and legal fees and determine what should be shared. Your housing needs will be a 2 bed property and your mortgage raising capacity will be seen as good.
CMS is likely to be based on his tax return so if he suddenly reduces his income that will be seen as suspicious but often there is nothing a court will do about it.
So you will have your salary, tax credits, child benefit and CMS. Hopefully that will enable you to have a mortgage.
What do you know about the equity in the other property? Can you get info on that?

@lifebegins50

Yes, son is with me now :-) Having a lovely time with his grandparents.

I gave my parents address for benefits.

There is about £80k equity in the property. Not a lot but enough if its split in half (I won't consider Ill get more but anything more as a bonus, if so).

Problem is as he will be difficult it will have to go to court and the fees will need to be paid from the equity. I heard that you can sometimes get the fees back from the OH?

I can probably get £2k for a watch he gave me as a birthday gift. That will be enough to put a deposit down if I choose to get a place now, or later.

My exh tried to make out he was the only decent parent the dc had - told the school he was the only parent!! . Told them I moved out as I didn't want them. Supposed to share the dc yet he always had plans for them in my time. Took 4 years in court, a few years of major hassle, then dc hit teens and went nc with him. Their choice. Ds 17 hasn't seen him for over 2.5 years. Ds 15 2 years. Keep a diary op. Build a time line of events /abuse - all of it. Your solicitor will be very interested.
Best regards to you and your dc.
You can absolutely do this.