Husband throwing me out with child

[sher77]

Please help me. I divorcing my husband (against his will) because he has been emotionally and physically abusive to me. I have a three year old. In October I sent him the divorce terms to review and he wouldn't agree them and said 'it would be on his terms' when we divorce and when he has enough money (to take me to the cleaners).

We are still living together as he said we should continue to agree to live together until finances are sorted out (he was looking to remortgage a property he owns, however, he wasn't able to).

On New Years day, he told me he wasn't going to renew the tenancy on the current property we live in and the lease ends February 20th!! He said he doesn't care where I live and if I can't find suitable accommodation for our son, he will take him from me.

The only way I can move is if I go to my parents and hour and a half away but that means commuting to work (three hours total) and more importantly taking my son out of preschool as I couldn't feasibly get us both to my work and his school and pick him up as I work full time.

Anyone know what my rights are or what you would do in this situation?
Waiting for citizens advice to call me back, but they haven't been great to be honest.

I cannot afford legal fees and he knows that.

He said I can stay if I pay half the rent but he earns twice as much as I do and its not feasible to do so!

I've been with him for 16 years (married for 8).

Any help or advice or support as Im a mess.

I'm taking my son to my parents this evening to get away as its not healthy for him to be around my husband. He's alienating my boy from me and I just feel so low about this whole thing and worried for my son and I.

@santaisfastasleepatlast

That's awful! Wow! 4 years in court? So, you didn't get divorced until after 4 years??

Thankfully, I've kept a diary of abuse for over a year.

These men, honestly. Its beyond belief.

Divorced within 3 months. Very complex case as I had other dc he wanted. He lost.
Think on to take care of yourself both physically and mentally op. I developed ptsd symptoms and weighed 7st..
Me and dc are a very close family now, I am remarried and ds's are doing very well.
Exh has been single for over ten years and lives alone.

@santaisfastasleepatlast

3 months is very quick! I am sure that my 'husband' will want to continue being 'married' to me to make me suffer! He will also be alone for a very long time. Barely any friends and doesn't see family often.

I get you ie taking care of yourself. I am around 7.5 stone. Not been earring properly and had my 'ex' saying to my son' mummy is too skinny'. Bloody idiot.

Could you leave your son with your parents overnight and stay with a friend or lodge somewhere so you can keep your job going and maybe compress your hours as a temporary measure. So you could maybe do 2 short days and commute and then 2 long days and stay over near work 1 night a week to make the commute workable. It sounds like your son being at your parents is going to be safest option short term.

@nothernglam Yes, I could stay with a friend maybe once a week. I wouldn't want to leave my son too long.

I've been home for a day (at my parents) and Im finding it a struggle to be honest. My mum isn't here at the moment and my Dad isn't the easiest to get on with.

I really don't know what the solution is.

If I get a flat by myself, I will struggle to look after my son and work. If I don't work, I don't have any money and to rely solely on benefits would make me feel worse. I have to get up at 5.30am tues-thurs to go get him and myself ready and out the door. Half the time he doesn't want to go to school and he wakes up my OH because he's crying (he works nights) and then of course I get the blame for it and 'I can't cope'.

Was feeling positive earlier and now just feel like everything is a total mess.

Also, anything I do will be watched my by OH. When I've come to my parents before and would even go out for an hour or something by myself if I am here, he would say I'm 'palming him off' on my parents.

Feel completely trapped.

Not fair that I have full custody and have to suffer in this way, but then I don't want him to have my child either.

Compressing my hours would be tricky as the office has strict opening and closing times. Everyone is literally out the door by 5pm as it shuts the doors at that time.

OP, why will you struggle to look after your son and work at the same time? Isn't that what you've been doing before moving back with your parents?
You might be better off renting a small flat near your work and your son's future primary school.

Yes, its the mornings I struggle with when he doesn't want to go to school he is a nightmare. Neither my OH of myself can get him to school and ends up staying with his Dad (not ideal I know).

Other than that, I literally look after him myself anyway as OH leaves house at 5.30pm (I get home at 5pm) and he works every other weekend.

When he goes to school will be even worse as its five days a week. Im worried about the school run really. Everything else is fine.

An aupair could be an option when your son is at school.
There will be solutions for everything but I know it's scary to try to figure it all out.

One step at a time and you will get there.

I think this sounds like a good idea. Hadn’t considered an au pair. So many things to think about and really hasn’t thought of this so huge thanks 🙏🏽

Give Gingerbread a call and discuss what you may be able to claim as a single parent. You might be surprised. You should certainly be able to get help with childcare costs. Gingerbread is a charity to advocate for lone parents and have a long of very sound advice online and on their phone line

When I first went back to work as single mum, I got an au pair. He was 19 and superb, from Romania. He was like a big brother to my boys. He would play with them, Chuck them about, take them to school, collect etc. Whilst the children were at schoo he’d iron, cook and clean. It was like heaven. I just gave him £60 a week. They require usually a bedroom, tv etc but nothing major. He also got himself another pt job to top up his money, or I’d pay him to babysit if I needed or wanted to go out in the evenings. I used a company though who check them out and arrange everything etc.
It’s not for everyone but I loved it.

If not, is there anyway you could get a job working from home or set up your own business with your skills.
Until you’ve decided I’d take time off work for stress leave so you can set yourself up properly. Even if it’s just a couple of weeks. Your job have to allow this.

Sell your jewellery and use it as a deposit on a 1 bed flat. Could you find anyone to help out with picking up your child? Yes it will cost money but financially it might be worth it in the short term if it means you can keep your job and therefore your income. Longer term, you can decide if you want to look for another role (either one in your area with more flexibility, or one that's closer to your parents).

I wish you luck - I grew up in an abusive environment and I know how hard this must be.

@ozziewossie

Love the idea of an au pair and will def look at this a solution. Can an au pair do drop off and collect from school?

Funny you mention about a business, I started to set one up last year and had to stop because of all the problems I'm having. But, I went to see a clairvoyant who told me it would be the best thing I could ever do (She also told me to close the chapter on what was making me suffering for so long - funnily enough!). I will pick this idea up once I am settled.

I've taken off quite a lot of sick time last year due to stress so I think I need to just keep going and not let this situation get the better of me. That's what my STBEH will want and I won't let him win!

I spoke to my Dad last night and he said best to get a place up by work and not to take DC out of school to maintain stability and my mum will stay with me as long as needed (Have amazing parents!).

[Edited by MNHQ to remove names]

@ginswinger - I will def check out Gingerbread.

'We' are entitled to the 30 hours free childcare (Which doesn't really work out to be 'free' does it!). Anyone know if as I am now a single parent that it will make a difference?

@violetbunny - Yes, I enquired about how much I would get for my jewellery and I think I'll have enough for a deposit. Actually definitely.

I'll get a one bed or studio flat for now and then once I get to June Ill been a better position.

I've applied for universal credit which I think is about £160 a month so that helps a lot. By the time I move out fingers crossed the first payment will be made.

Don't know anyone that could help picking up my LO. For sure, my STBEH wouldn't allow just anyone to pick him up. He said he will continue to do it, however, I really don't want to see him everyday and have the rig moral of him brainwashing my child every day.

I think its the transition period I am not worried about with LO.

It sucks though that he gets to walk away 'scot free' without a care in the world. Literally hate him and what he's done to me and my child. He'll be sitting at home watching television (he barely goes out) and acting like he has no care in the world. Well, watch me do the same.

My Dad said I've aged so much in 6 months and Im not letting anyone age me!! He'd love to see me looking haggard and drawn.

Not being big headed but I know Im an attractive woman and I will not let this bring me down to a level where I don't recognise myself anymore and this is what is happening at the moment. I look in the mirror and can't even recognise myself.

I think your income is plenty to get by on. Plenty of people get by on a lot less.
Your outgoings seem to be very high.

Don't even consider staying in the house, make a fresh start in a new home which I'm sure will be considerably cheaper and you will have peace of mind.

I wouldn't move back in with parents if your dad is hard to get on with. I'm sure you have applied for primary school for your child so try and find somewhere nearby. You moving may also affect the application for school choice so be careful.

The courts look at emotional stability NOT whether you have a job or income.
Keep your job till you get a house, then consider giving it up. No exh needed to collect. No drop offs. No pressure.
You explain to the court that you’ve given up work to support your son emotionally and spend time with him whilst you start your own business which can work around dc. The court will love this.
They take a dim view on more money, better parent. They love a parent who can provide emotional support etc. I’d also be very careful that they make take a dim view on you allowing him lots of unsupervised access if he’s violent, particularly if he’s been imptisoned for it.
You have a responsibility to protect your child. He may not have hurt him to date, but he’s often out at night working and sleeping in day whilst dc at school. 30 mins a day most days doesn’t test his tolerance of a 3 year old.
Losing you temper demonstrates an inability to control oneself. That in itself is a red flag.
Seriously, whatever you decide, you have got to not rely on this man in any way shape or form.
New start, close to parents. Your dc is 3. He will cope really well with a change. Trust yourself. It will be a positive change.
If you explain to the court you’re maintaining contact with violent ex so he can collect your dc regularly so you can keep working (when you don’t have to). How to you think they will view this?
Everything you do has GOT to be for your child in the courts view.
If you’re worried about debt, I can help you. Just pm me x

Are you sure you will get benefits if you are on 50k?

How on earth will you get £160? That makes no sense

Keep your job till you get a house, then consider giving it up. No exh needed to collect. No drop offs. No pressure.

Terrible advice
Plenty of single parents work full time, childminders, au pairs. OP would be beyond stupid to give up a well paying job

What I get isn’t important. I knew someone would pick up amount. I’ve never claimed benefits and my outgoings are very high.

Maybe info I’ve had is wrong but I’m now a single parent don’t forget.

My income is high but yes my outgoings are high due to debts.
I’ve made the choice to move close to my job and not let my ex get anywhere near me and further abuse me.

Agree. Need my job for stability x

Your outgoings are not important to benefits, you have one child.

The benefit cap is about 26k, so why would they give someone with an income of 50k extra money? Makes no sense