Messages between DH and ex - don't know what to think

[Worriedandveryconfused]

I’ve NC’d for this but I’m a longstanding poster. I don’t know if I’m BU or what to do next. Apologies if this gets long but I don’t want to be accused of drip feeding.

Background: DH & I married 10 years, 1 DD. We married when I found out I was pregnant. I’d have liked more DCs, DH didn’t so DD is an only. DH has an ex who is his “one who got away”. They were together through university and broke up through circumstances rather than any issues or mismatch. I struggled with this at first, eg DH kept all the cards, notes etc she’d sent him and was reluctant to get rid. We had a real wobble a couple of years in when she contacted him to tell him she was getting married and he didn’t deal with it very well. But we got through it and he’s been a good husband and father since.

About a year ago I noticed her name pop up as having replied to one or two of his FB statuses. I didn’t say anything but I sent her a friend request myself, which I admit was a bit weird as I don’t actually know her. Nevertheless she accepted so I had a snoop round her profile, as you do. A few things made me a bit uneasy, first she’s really pretty, good figure etc, second her relationship status said “single” and also although she hadn’t posted that much my DH had commented or liked or put a heart reaction on literally everything she’d posted, going back weeks and weeks. Again I didn’t say anything but the next time I saw she’d commented I asked “is that Such-and-Such?” and when he said yes I asked casually if she was still married. He said no, they’d split up quite recently.

A month or so before Christmas a mutual friend of theirs from university posted some old photos from that time and tagged my DH and this woman in them. Even though it was from years ago, it really hurt me to see photos of them together with their arms round each other etc. One of the photos they weren’t the subject but off to one side, kind of in the background they were kissing really passionately. On this photo my DH had commented “I remember that night ‘wink’” and she’d replied “I do too ‘wink’” then he said “BBJE still” and she’d responded with “naughty...but thank you” and a blowing kiss emoji. I asked him what “BBJE” meant and he brushed it off as an old university in joke, when I pushed to know what it stood for he got irritated and said it was ancient history and to drop it.

Just before Christmas he left his iPad lying around and I’m embarrassed to say I went snooping. I found dozens and dozens and dozens of messages between them, going back all year. There was nothing to suggest an affair, most of them were just chit-chat about their day, but there were quite a few compliments from my DH to her, eg he asked her where certain holiday photos had been taken and when she said which ones, he’d said “where you’re in the gorgeous red bikini”. (of course I went looking and the photos were from yonks ago, it took me ages to find them so how long had he spent going through her photos? And she hasn’t had kids so of course there’s no stretch marks or c-scar or pouch, she’s all long tanned legs and toned belly and perky boobs, there’s no way I can compare). Their recent messages talk about her moving to a city not exactly on the doorstep but where DH has to go minimum of once a month for work. One of his last messages says to let him know when she's found her place and they can meet up and he'll show her round, and she replied with "I'd like that."

I chewed over this for a few days, could hardly think about anything else but between Christmas and NY I finally asked him about the messages and he said she's been down and lonely since splitting with her DH and he's just been trying to build her confidence back up. I said I wasn't happy about them meeting up, he said it probably wouldn't happen anyway but even if it did it was just a friend helping another friend. He was annoyed that I'd snooped on his iPad which I understand and we had an argument about trust, he said I've always been jealous of her for no real reason as he's always been faithful to me. It's true that I've always had a bit of a jealousy problem where she's concerned so there is some truth in what he says.

We had friends round on NYE and shortly after midnight I put our DD to bed while he stayed downstairs with our guests. I tried to have another look on the iPad but he's changed the passcode but there was an unread message from her on the lock screen sent just after midnight, wishing him happy new year and calling him "her rock" and saying she's looking forward to the "next chapter". I haven't said anything to him because I'm embarrassed to admit I was trying to snoop on his iPad again, but I don;t know what to think, what's normal, if I'm BU or he is or what the hell's going on. I want to believe they're just friends but my gut is constantly churning just thinking about them messaging each other and DH looking at photos of her looking gorgeous and sexy in a tiny bikini.

I agree with other posters. It’s very disrespectful to you. It’s an emotional affair building into something else. The fact that’s hes changed his pass code implies he’s hiding something.
You snooped because you sensed something, yet rather than understand how this could feel or appear to you, he berated you for snooping and trust. That’s defensive.
Is he suggesting that if one of your exes was sending you multiple messages, loving all your bikini shots, reminding you of an amazing blow job you’d given him and saying he can’t waut for you to show him around a place, your dh wouldn’t mind at all?

If he says he wouldn’t mind if roles were reversed then he clearly isn’t that bothered about you.
He will respond by saying he trusts you.
But the point is, would someone want their spouse to spend alone time with another person, knowing they not only have history but are clearly flirting and affording each other a lot of time.
Does your dh like or love lots of your pictures and spend lots of his time messaging you complimentary things?
You haven’t done anything wrong here at all. He’s incredibly unfair to imply you have. If this is all innocent and yet it’s coming between you both, why is he continuing?
You deserve far better. X

Did you get a chance to check out those blogs, Chump Lady and Baggage Reclaim OP? It’s just a starting point but I think they would really help, they are written by women who have been in your situation and outline how you can change your behaviour which is something you can control.

I would definitely look into counselling for yourself and as a couple. I think you really need to reclaim your identity and sense of self so you can stand up for yourself more - you seem absolutely lovely but he is massively taking the piss.

I will look at those blogs, thank you Bellend. And thank you everyone who has continued to support me with your posts, even though some are hard to read.

I do want to make more of me, it's been too easy to get stuck in the Mum rut. To be fair to DH he does encourage me to make more of myself too, so he will be supportive of any training I decide to do or getting back into work. That's a daunting thought in itself after 10 years out of the workplace!

I thought about telling him, when he gets home tomorrow night, that counselling is important to me and I do want us to go, but I want him to organise it? That way it might test how serious he is about fixing this?

Feckers he travels to this other city for work once or twice a month, has done more or less since we moved here and he started working here six years ago and this particular trip has been in the diary for a while. Obviously it is a massive coincidence that of all the places she could have decided to apply for jobs and move to, it's the city he regularly works at.

This is so easy for me to type but put his work travel right out of mind for now.

Working on you:
What do you want your life to look like?
Do you want to go back to the job you were in?
Do you want to brush up on the sills that would get you back in there?
What outside interests do you have? Cycling? Running? Ju-jitsu? Cross stitch? Deffo get a course going in one of those to light up the “fun” part of your brain.
Can be done in tandem with refreshing the “work skills” part of your brain.

If dH is encouraging you to get out and do more - great. Time to call it in. Heaven knows you’re owed.

I would highly recommend counselling. The fear of his contacting her or seeing her without your knowledge is firmly planted in your head and that needs to be worked through.

Good luck op

To be fair to DH he does encourage me to make more of myself too,

Might he be sending you a message @Worriedandveryconfused ?

Might he be asking you to be more than a wife and mother?

Perhaps he's looking for you to expand you?

Not suggesting he is , nor am I suggesting that if he is, he's right

But it's a thought

I do want to make more of me, it's been too easy to get stuck in the Mum rut. To be fair to DH he does encourage me to make more of myself too, so he will be supportive of any training I decide to do or getting back into work. That's a daunting thought in itself after 10 years out of the workplace!

My dh loves me to bits and as always encouraged me to make more of myself.
He knows how important it is to Have self fulfilment.

Just start small.
Bit of retraining and maybe a couple of morning a week in a job to get your confidence up.

I would organise the counselling yourself. Him doing it won't prove anything.
Him going will and he's already said he would.

If your marriage was in bad shape this friendship '
may' have led somewhere. But things pretty good otherwise between you and he us now taken on board your feelings regarding it. And listening to you.

Don't make this woman something she isn't.
Sounds like he got slightly carried away but the novelty is warning off. She's is not the woman she was. And he can see that now.

He obviously values what he got with you.
A great mother of his beloved child and a great wife / woman.
You are doing great.
Just keep working on yourself.
The trust will increase as your confidence in yourself does.

Hi op,

I would just go ahead and organise the counseling.

He has been very silly and disrespectful. But maybe you can turn things around together.

Good luck.

I hope you work this out, I really do. However if it was me I just couldn’t forgive his behaviour. It’s completely beyond the pale. He’s obviously still carrying a torch for her and she knows it. It’s just a matter of time till he takes action . If he had nothing to hide he would be totally transparent. He’s been massively disrespectful and he’s humiliated you. She is leading him on knowing he is married too.

WAVC, please don’t do the pick me dance by ‘expanding’ yourself to suit your husband. His infidelity has nothing to do with you and all to do with his sense of entitlement.

I do think that couples counseling is worth a try. He may stonewall with ‘We’re just friends. I’ve been faithful. I’m not lying.’ A good counselor will inform him that an emotional affair occurs when a person secretly channels emotional energy, time and attention into someone other than their partner. Doing so breaks trust. Breaking trust equals being unfaithful.

Good counseling will expose his sense of entitlement to pursue an adventure with his ex and will investigate his weak boundaries with her. Reasons may include a desire to connect with a nostalgic version of himself and to explore a road not taken. He will have to face the trauma he has inflicted on you. If willing, he can learn how to counteract his selfishness, strengthen his boundaries, and work to restore your trust.

You will benefit by having a safe place to express your feelings, thoughts and questions. I would relate the whole saga, from his grief at her marriage to his behavior on learning of her single status: heart stamping, secret messaging, planning to meet, public sexual overtures and photo drooling, her calling him her rock, as well as his gaslighting, minimizing, and locking you out on discovery and now. The counselor will need to have ALL the information to get the whole picture and to see how things have escalated.

Be proactive in counseling and leave no stone unturned, even if you normally avoid confrontation and suppress your feelings. I think you are a very brave and lovely person. Your precious daughter will benefit from your courage.

Msdoglady amazing post really sensitive.

Expanding yourself beyond being a mother and a wife should be for you, not him.
It won't prevent him from leaving, like counselling won't either.
He'll take from counselling what he wants, if he goes.
You should do both, for yourself, not to keep him.

As MsDogLady has said. If you go first at counselling and put it the way she has put it, he will hopefully have a, 'Oh! When you put it like that I see your problem', moment.

It is appalling taken all together. It paints a bleak picture. He needs to see the picture you are seeing.

MsDogLady No one has suggested the OP 'expand' herself to suit her husband. It's entirely for herself.

@SchnitzelVonKrumm but her DH has suggested she expand herself and it’s probably wise for OP to keep in mind (and to make possibly clear to him) that this “expansion” is for herself, not him.

Thank you MrsDogLady, that's great advice.

I do feel I should stress though that when I post about starting a course and going back to work, it's all things I've thought about doing for myself on and off anyway and this has really brought home how financially vulnerable I am, and also what kind of role model I want to be for DD. The point about DH supporting me was really just in response to a PP, to make it clear that he wouldn't put any obstacles in my way or have any objection to it.

I have been following this thread OP and just wanted to say that I think you've handled it really well so far and I wish you all the best for the next few months as I'm sure it's going to be hard to work through it all but it will be worthwhile.

Regardless of going for counselling with him, I was going to suggest you write him a letter. I had an issue with my husband (not cheating) and I was worried about discussing it with him because I tend to get flustered and upset and then it becomes more about him trying to calm me down and then I forget half of what I wanted to say or things don't come out the right way etc. Anyway this time I decided to avoid all that by putting my feelings in writing. I really took my time, re-wrote much of it and in the end the letter was concise and said exactly what I wanted it to say. When he read it, he was shocked. It really hit home and got through to him in a way that I don't think I could have if I'd just brought it up in conversation. We were then able to sit down and discuss it all, and things have worked out really well, but I do believe that my letter was (for me) the best way to approach it. Maybe you could try something like that too, so that he can really see how all this seems to you and how you're affected. MrsDogLady's post would be useful in in helping you put your thoughts down in writing.

Whatever you do, I wish you the very best and I hope your husband appreciates what a lovely lady he's married.

MsDogLady

• great post!!

MacNab is right too. I have done this in the past. A letter is something else again. Set it out how you see it. Tell him how this is making you feel. Tell him further contact is a dealbreaker. Make him make some difficult decisions instead of you having all the pressure.

You mentioned his other phone.I hope you checked that as wel.

@Worriedandveryconfused, how are you doing?