Emotional affair and ruining OW's career

[HaveNCedjustforthis]

Hi all, I have NCed for this but I am a regular here. I find myself in a difficult situation and I could use a bit of advice.

My DH and I both work for a big corporate, in different offices. He works in the big HQ and I work in a smaller office. We have both been working for the company for over a decade. Until 3 years ago I worked in the HQ too, so I know virtually everybody there and I have a fee good close friends that still work there. DH and I have 2 DC.

Three weeks ago I caught dodgy messages on DH's phone. After a few conversations, it appears he has been having an EA with a younger colleague. He admitted there was a kiss once a few months ago, but he swears it never went beyond that and flirty messages. I think he is not lying, as the messages between them seem to confirm the story.

I know OW superficially, she works in a more junior role than me but in the same area of work (for example: I am a Director of Operations and she is an Operations Manager). We don't work together directly, but her direct manager (and the manager of her direct manager) are quite close friends of mine. He gave me full access to his phone so I went through everything.

I don't know if my marriage will survive this, I am still working things out with my husband. My dilemma here is: do I talk to my friend (OW's manager) about what happened, and potentially ruin any chance for OW to progress in our company? Do I let the word spread around the office, so that everyone knows?

I doubt they would fire OW, but I am pretty sure most of the people that have been knowing me for over a decade would rightfully and openly judge her and "take my side". I imagine the work environment would become quite uncomfortable for her, and she'd deserve it. Maybe she'd leave.

However I feel a bit guilty at the idea of potentially ruining OW's career, while at the end of the day it was my husband who was unfaithful to me, not her.

What do I do? Please help

I don't think even one person has said she is blameless. What's been said is he is the ops problem. Not her.

However the other thread the op posted indicates this is much more than she's said here, he isn't more senior, they have been meeting for coffees alone, they have told each other they loved each other. It's a much bigger deal than a couple of snogs.

I suspect the op is looking for away to get rid of this woman as she can't trust her husband.

Don't do it. I can totally see why you want to, but don't. It will backfire on you somehow. I would get her in a dark corner and tell her exactly what you think about her.

There is no way I would employ such a petty, vindictive and spiteful person who would be willing to turn on anyone who scorned them
As opposed to a moral less, unprofessional slapper who happily gets close to married men at work?
OK then.

Do she not realise the implications of her behaviour to another woman and her children?

Does he not realise the implications of his behaviour to his wife and his children?

I don't think the OW should be punished or held responsible for a husband who chooses to cheat but even if I did then why does the person doing the actual cheating get to put his mistake behind him, keep his family in tact, keep his senior position at work and move on but the person not in the marriage and not cheating should be the one made to consider how her behaviour has affected another woman's family and potentially have her career ruined as punishment? Why does she deserve to lose her career and not the cheating spouse?

moral less, unprofessional slapper

I don't think I'd call her a moral less unprofessional slapper ( I hate slut shaming and some sickening women are the worst for it). But this woman is single. She owes the op nothing and fuck knows what the husband has been telling her about his marriage. I very much doubt it's that he loves and fancies his wife.

Did the selfish cow think about you and your children!? No! I wouldn't let her off scot-free after something like that.

So the man who didn't think about his wife and children can be forgiven and mo e on with OP and his family and not have his work or career affected by his personal life but the person who he cheated with, the person who didn't make promises to the OP is the selfish one who shouldn't be able to get away with it?

I'm not saying the OW made good choices but she shouldn't have her career ruined esp as the bloke who actually betrayed his wife isn't.

Do you really want your whole work place to know all this about your personal life and your marriage?
What are you thinking will happen, that your work colleagues will be so horrified on your behalf they'll drive her out of the company and close ranks around you while you waft around acting hurt and injured ?

Its not going to happen.

Your friend will be outraged but she's not going to do anything to this woman. She's not going to treat her differently or get her to leave. This is her job she's not going to risk her job because your husband can't keep his hands to himself.
So then what are you going to say to her when she's not doing as you want?

Keep your dignity say nothing at work and sort things with your husband, whichever way.

I would agree with pp and not direct your anger at the OW. However, would you tell your 'friend' about this situation if the OW was not a work colleague? If so then definitely tell her it's no different!
If your friend decides to make her work decisions on the OW career, based on emotion to what your husband, did then that's on her, that's nothing to do with you.

Talk to your friend - to be your friend and support you through a difficult time, focus on rebuilding your relationship with your DH if that's what you want. What happens to the OW now is irreverent to your life and out of your control

I genuinely know a very senior man who was ‘eased out’ in a very similar situation in a large corporate , whilst the women remained, I would not risk this

So, your DH in a senior postion has had a dalliance with a junior and you want to find a way to get rid of her. Is your name Melania?

If I heard of someone at work in your position telling all about the OW at work trying to discredit her I would consider you unprofessional, petty and spiteful. I'd also think your husband was a grade A asshole. I think it would make me lose my respect for all three of you tbh. Others may judge you as weak for taking him back.

At the end of the day HE is the one most in the wrong as he is the married one. Yes she isn't blameless but why should she suffer at work? Why does work have anything to do with your private life?

Her ability to do her job is not hindered by the fact she made a misjudgement in her personal life. Nor is your husbands. They both fucked up. Leave the personal stuff at home.

If you air your dirty laundry in public expect people to judge all 3 of you. I'd keep your mouth shut personally. There's a reason it's called a personal life. You may well find she leaves as soon as she can anyway, don't make yourself look petty and Spiteful, it's not worth it.

Confide in other friends and only in the friend who is her manager if it becomes absolutely necessary. Even then I'd be asking the friend to keep it to themselves.

If you drag it out people then know that not only is she a "mistress" but your husband is an adulterous asshole. I doubt your marriage would survive if his reputation is ranked and
You are responsible for it.

Position!

Op has said very little on this thread

Just enough to keep it bubbling under, in fact

Was just thinking that AF

Exactly the same as the last thread too.

I think OP is pulling our legs.
Nobody is that green surely?

If you did tell your friend and she did hinder the OW career advancements because of it she’d be extremely unprofessional and opening the organisation upon to legal action as a result. Would she be so emotionally invested to do this really?

popandcrackle but of course because their children play together

I can’t believe OP has got to this senior position in her organisation and is still naive enough to think that the OW will be forced out for this (very) illadvised snog

I wouldn't do it. If I were the other manager, I'd be thinking 'why is she telling me this?' It could make YOU look bad. That said, you could say something like 'I've been having a few problems with my marriage' when asked how you are etc and leave it at that. Chances are the other manager already knows or others do and can put two and two together which doesn't make you look spiteful.

Oh fgs pull yourself together OP! Your post is an embarrassment! Hoping to ruin the ow’s career because your husband can’t stay faithful to you.

This woman has done nothing wrong - your anger should be directed at him not her! Why would your manager even give a shit? I mean really - it makes no difference to your manager who your husband is shagging.

You claim to be in a more senior position which surprises me because you quite clearly come off as bitchy and revengeful.

Your energy needs to be spent dealing with gimp! Undoubtedly this affair would have continued if you hadn't discovered the truth! Get rid.

if I were interviewing you and the OW for the same job and knowing what I know I would employ the OW and wouldn’t touch you with a barge pole. There is no way I would employ such a petty, vindictive and spiteful person who would be willing to turn on anyone who scorned them

Oh please...

More of this nonsense that by virtue of she being Woman, OP must kiss her arse then toddle off into the sunset like a good girl as the OW by virtue of her actions is clearly the better person.

Do what you feel best OP - remaining mindful that your H could be dragged down to.

As to those suggesting OW could claim sexual harassment etc -that goes both ways, men can claim it too.

They are BOTH wrong, never mind this penchant of absolving women of responsibility for shit that they do and so what if it helps to hurt another woman.

So don't scaremonger OP into thinking if she opens her mouth OW will ruin her.

Much of MN really seems to hate wives and elevate OW. From the pleasure taken in scorning brides and weddings, right thru to appearing positively gleeful in telling a wife in various ways how 'stupid' she is when it's not her that cheated. Madness.

Cheating Hs are dickheads but the women who allow these men a way in are not to be revered, in my book. Both lack control and have slack morals.

OP clearly isn't feeling so good. When a woman is clearly down, confused and upset, nothing like piling in to make her feel even worse is there... 🙄

Ok ok, I get it. I am being extremely unreasonable to even consider this. This is what Mumsnet js for, letting you see when your thoughts are not making sense..

Thank you all for your comments, food for thought for sure!

*him, not gimp haha

misskiki best typo ever!

Personally I would prefer to retain my dignity and self respect. Why would you want people knowing what your husband has been doing with another woman?

Of course the OW was wrong as she knew he was married with a family. I understand you want revenge but will destroying her career solve the problem you have with your DH?