Emotional affair and ruining OW's career

[HaveNCedjustforthis]

Hi all, I have NCed for this but I am a regular here. I find myself in a difficult situation and I could use a bit of advice.

My DH and I both work for a big corporate, in different offices. He works in the big HQ and I work in a smaller office. We have both been working for the company for over a decade. Until 3 years ago I worked in the HQ too, so I know virtually everybody there and I have a fee good close friends that still work there. DH and I have 2 DC.

Three weeks ago I caught dodgy messages on DH's phone. After a few conversations, it appears he has been having an EA with a younger colleague. He admitted there was a kiss once a few months ago, but he swears it never went beyond that and flirty messages. I think he is not lying, as the messages between them seem to confirm the story.

I know OW superficially, she works in a more junior role than me but in the same area of work (for example: I am a Director of Operations and she is an Operations Manager). We don't work together directly, but her direct manager (and the manager of her direct manager) are quite close friends of mine. He gave me full access to his phone so I went through everything.

I don't know if my marriage will survive this, I am still working things out with my husband. My dilemma here is: do I talk to my friend (OW's manager) about what happened, and potentially ruin any chance for OW to progress in our company? Do I let the word spread around the office, so that everyone knows?

I doubt they would fire OW, but I am pretty sure most of the people that have been knowing me for over a decade would rightfully and openly judge her and "take my side". I imagine the work environment would become quite uncomfortable for her, and she'd deserve it. Maybe she'd leave.

However I feel a bit guilty at the idea of potentially ruining OW's career, while at the end of the day it was my husband who was unfaithful to me, not her.

What do I do? Please help

yes she is a friend outside work, we always talk about personal stuff

You discuss this with her and you put her in a poor position. If she is professional at all she will report the dilemma to her seniors. You will look horrendous. If she doesn't and this woman makes a complaint because she misses out on something your friend could be included in the fall out.

I work with my best friend. She is also my sil. No way would we ever discuss something like this. And yes that means not disclosing something in my personal life if work is involved. We both know this is a line that isn't crossed.

Which is why we work together well and professionally.

I can't believe you would be ok with her career being destroyed and happy his wouldn't be touched.

I hope to god you are a troll. Because if not you are unprofessional and sexist. I wouldn't want you to be a senior manager in my work.

I am also glad my company has a very strict ethics policy and ethics department.

Wow i really wouldn’t do this

Have some dignity fgs

Just because you haven’t seen anything too bad on his phone doesn’t mean she hasn’t got evidence on hers.

Messing with the other woman might feel good in the short term but you should really be focusing on your narriage and whether or not you want to forgive him

And as others have said, if this is the first time he’s done this i’d be astonished

Look. If I was in your shoes i would jump at the chance to do something that messed with her career as long as it had no negative effect on me.

This is not that chance. It will end up a tangled dirty mess and you'll look at least as much of a twat as her.

I understand wanting to go scorched earth on the pair of them but you have to think about what you want long term. If that's stability and financial security for your children then you need to keep your job and for him not to be an arsehole about child support. I honestly think that he's gone way beyond kissing and you need to ditch him.
If they end up together, it goes in the divorce papers and life may get difficult for them but you will have kept your dignity.
Your friend probably already knows, people are shit at hiding affairs.

Let’s take the people individually:

You: IMO, deliberately telling a manager with the intention of impacting OW’s career is not good for your soul. However, telling the manager because she is your friend, the mum of your dcs friends in order to get personal support from her is ok if you would have told her anyway, had the OW been unrelated to work. Although it could have consequences for the OW, that is her tough shit if this manager person is part of your support system. I just want to add that there are a lot of people about who have secretly cheated and so the righteous anger you expect might not be forthcoming.

Husband: dirty shit bag bastard. Needs to be very fucking sorry for what he has done to you and your family. If you do end up telling someone in the HQ, he will probably not suffer in terms of his career, since he is very high level but there will be some people who will think he is a dirty sleaze bag, like him less etc.

OW: dirty also. You feeding the information into the office may or may not impact her career. People might think she’s naive (given the age difference or they may dislike her. Although she has no morals kissing a married man, making work difficult for her won’t solve anything for you or your cheating husband.

I actually think you'd find that people would care less than you think, then you'd be hurt by that too I am sure. She will have her own cohort in the workplace who will be on her side, then there will be the ones that don't want to take sides and just want to be professional, then the ones who are at it too so will not judge. You risk creating a horrible situation for all within the environment and you'll be resented for that in the end.

I think spreading it around is very embarrassing for you.
Also if it was just a kiss and that redeems it in some way for your husband then you are being very petty.

Also surely she has friends within the company and her version of the story will be spread around too then. Do you really want people knowing all of that?

Just to add: noone in my work would care less. What is your workplace culture? Really??

Anyone else have the distinct feeling OP has already made up her mind?

Don't say we didn't warn you, OP

You suppose your friend doesn't already know.

Also, this kissing/EA has gone on for months. Your DH is not the innocent party in this. As you say, he's in a far safer position - he's not risked anything as he's advanced his career as far as he can. So yes, his position is much less vulnerable than hers, which he must have been aware of when weighing up the risks. I mean, you didn't kick him out or anything, so his perception of the risk was fairly accurate, i.e. not much, to him personally. You found out because you caught him out. How long would it have carried on if you hadn't found the "dodgy messages"? He's hardly the tortured soul here, is he?

If you do end up telling someone in the HQ, he will probably not suffer in terms of his career, since he is very high level but there will be some people who will think he is a dirty sleaze bag, like him less etc

Actually that's not true, as said, I work for a huge corporation and this would negatively impact him more than her, because of his seniority, the more senior you get the higher standard you are held to.

I have seen senior men forced out for this sort of behaviour, and I mean just rumours of the behaviour and not the junior female. As they get to claim basically fear of their job by saying no.

In most corporations, abuse of power and sexual misconduct with a more junior female is seriously frowned upon. And it's the more senior person who is held to the higher standard of accountability. Be they make or female.

But let's face it, it's nearly always some senior bloke chasing a younger woman, we have all worked with him. We all know that guy.

the righteous anger you expect might not be forthcoming

^ this

In fact I'd be very surprised if there was righteous anger. An office EA is likely to elicit a response of 'meh'. It's not rare, or interesting, and it's not enough to make someone hated.

People are not going to compromise their professional reputation by bringing up your issues in their work place. And if they were stupid enough to do so, your husband is likely to be just as despised as she is.

I think you need to start a new thread tbh. ‘One of my close friends is the manager of the woman who has kissed my DH. I would usually confide in her about personal things but this obviously is complicated - I really need a friend to talk to - should I tell her or not?’

For someone who has 20 odd years experience you're not very politically savvy.

If you are seen as trying to wreck this women's career you're going to do untold damage to your reputation. At best your DH will look like a sleaze and at worse he'll lose his job because these days corporates don't want sleazy head of depts who have affairs with junior managers to deal with.

Whilst I completely understand that your hurt and upset and rightly so I don't think you have really thought this through.

If you're friend decided to do as you wished the OW would have very good grounds to sue for constructive dismissal via a tribunal which wouldn't really factor in her kissing your husband as a valid reason for the treatment.

This in turn would leave your friend and yourself open to disciplinary action within your company which could leave you both potentially fired for bullying and harassment/misconduct.

So about the only person whos career isn't potentially destroyed is your husbands who is the person in the wrong in the first place.......

Like I said I get that your hurt but you need to take a step back for a minute and really think about it.

Also, when stuff like this has happened at my work, it's the senior guy that is viewed as a nasty sleaze, not the junior woman.

You'd be very naive to expect otherwise op.

@fanofleetwoodmac - I agree with you as the OP hasn't acknowledged anyone's advice which is an obvious 'don't do it' !

I would keep your dignity and not mention this within your work place. Like it or not you to will be judged if this news gets out. People don't like to feel they should pick sides especially at work. It creates uncomfortable atmospheres and others just don't want to be dragged into people's personal problems when they are trying to remain professional.

Let her sweat. She will be expecting consequences I'm sure and so she should. But ultimately is was your DH who shit on you, I'd be thinking of the consequences he will be facing.

at worse he'll lose his job because these days corporates don't want sleazy head of depts who have affairs with junior managers to deal with

This,

The days are long gone where the junior female pays the heavy price for the senior males indiscretions. Companies know the risk of looking like they forced out a young woman a senior manager was sexually harassing. At best they treat them both equally but more commonly now rhe senior party takes the punishment.

Nah fuck it. Divorce your cheating husband and tell your friend what a cunt OW is too.

If you are prepared to ruin someone's career then be prepared for the possible backlash. I'm sure she won't take it lying down.

Wreck your husband's career, not hers. He's the one who broke vows to you. He's the one in the more senior professional role. What she did was fucking wrong, but pales into insignificance next to what he did.

To be fair I know a lot of colleagues with the morals of alley cats - it's never hindered their career progression. If OW is good at her job it's not on for your friend to make her work life suffer because of a loyalty to you.

Are you worried op that if he continues to see her in the work environment he will continue to cheat ? And that's why you're hoping you can have her forced out?

He won't stop fancying her because you found out. You either decide to continue with this marriage or not, but forcing her out won't work. And if it did, would make it safer for them to have an affair.