Emotional affair and ruining OW's career

[HaveNCedjustforthis]

Hi all, I have NCed for this but I am a regular here. I find myself in a difficult situation and I could use a bit of advice.

My DH and I both work for a big corporate, in different offices. He works in the big HQ and I work in a smaller office. We have both been working for the company for over a decade. Until 3 years ago I worked in the HQ too, so I know virtually everybody there and I have a fee good close friends that still work there. DH and I have 2 DC.

Three weeks ago I caught dodgy messages on DH's phone. After a few conversations, it appears he has been having an EA with a younger colleague. He admitted there was a kiss once a few months ago, but he swears it never went beyond that and flirty messages. I think he is not lying, as the messages between them seem to confirm the story.

I know OW superficially, she works in a more junior role than me but in the same area of work (for example: I am a Director of Operations and she is an Operations Manager). We don't work together directly, but her direct manager (and the manager of her direct manager) are quite close friends of mine. He gave me full access to his phone so I went through everything.

I don't know if my marriage will survive this, I am still working things out with my husband. My dilemma here is: do I talk to my friend (OW's manager) about what happened, and potentially ruin any chance for OW to progress in our company? Do I let the word spread around the office, so that everyone knows?

I doubt they would fire OW, but I am pretty sure most of the people that have been knowing me for over a decade would rightfully and openly judge her and "take my side". I imagine the work environment would become quite uncomfortable for her, and she'd deserve it. Maybe she'd leave.

However I feel a bit guilty at the idea of potentially ruining OW's career, while at the end of the day it was my husband who was unfaithful to me, not her.

What do I do? Please help

I would!!

Do it if it makes you feel better about yourself. Your DH and the OW lost all their rights to anonyminity when they began the EA.

I'd think your husband was a sleazy wanker, him being older and in a higher position and I'm sure a lot of others would do. So it could make his work life quite uncomfortable too.

He deserves punishment, he has the contract with you not her.

Oh and they never ever admit everything, just what they think they can get away with.

Do you actually BELIEVE that your friend will treat her direct report differently because of this op? Because she'd be very foolish to do so. Not to mention a terrible manager.

Don’t do this! You are putting your friend / her manager in a really difficult position. It’s not a fair basis for denying her a promotion.

I would OP.

If my DH did this I’d struggle to get past it and question my relationship.

But in relation to the OW, she knew he was married, to someone who worked in the company, and regardless of who kissed who, she copped off with him. What a cow! Doesn’t matter where the loyalties lie, I would never cop off with a knowingly married man. Do she not realise the implications of her behaviour to another woman and her children? Bork!

And she’s 30, well versed in behaviour having consequences. Not a bloody 18 year old.

Tell your mate.

Your DH needs to find another job if he wants to salvage his marriage.
Under no circumstances would I compromise my professional integrity by 'outing' their affair at my workplace.
As an aside, why on earth do you both work for the same employer & location?
Can only think of one couple who did likewise & it made for a very difficult environment.

Naw. She could claim slander/libel - can't remember which one it is now. She could easily force your friend to testify exactly what you said etc. You could potentially drag lots of people into this who don't deserve this shit. So no, I wouldn't. I think you'd also be surprised at how few people "sided" with anyone. Most people try to stay a million miles away from something like especially if your DH is senior. It can get messy fast. If you do end up divorcing him it would be better if he still has a job!

If someone tried to stymie my career because of personal issues, I would go scorched earth... as people say, she'll come out fighting. Wouldn't be at all surprised if both you and your husband suffer more than her. If you're slagging her off to her management, expect a complaint of harassment against you - and it will be well deserved. You sound utterly unprofessional.

And yes @fanoffleetwood... couldn't agree more!

It's 2019...

Metoo was not left is 2018.

It will end badly and has more potential to hurt your husband when he is fired for gross misconduct with a junior employee... after all she'll say it was sexual harassment/ slander. Well that's what I would do... then it will be my word against his and with the current political climate around these things good luck to him. He's reached his peak... he's an old dinosaur they can surely find someone to replace him... younger .... hungrier etc he is not indispensable.

Good luck.

Also, I suspect this is not the first time your sleazy husband has had an affair and I bet it went beyond kissing in the previous ones. He sounds like a predator!

I would and hope she gets everything she deserves.

Did the selfish cow think about you and your children!? No! I wouldn't let her off scot-free after something like that.

It's normal to talk to friends about something this serious, and she should have thought about that before she tried to get involved with your husband.

I hope it all works out for you.

It's MN so you'll be expected to only blame your H, and be oh so sweet about the totally blameless delicate OW, not feel any animosity towards her at all. As if she doesn't exist.

In your shoes I wouldn't give a fuck about her career - she should have been paying attention to her work, not some silly married bloke bending her ear with stories, aiming to get his leg over.

If she goes down your stupid H may too, tho. He won't crash as hard as she will, but still..

You need to think about that.

What do you think will happen to the OW exactly? People find out and are shocked for a short while but it soon becomes old news? Office affairs happen more often than not and often become old news.
Yes be angry at this woman but take it out on your good for nothing partner.

Just found your old thread

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3459979-this-was-an-affair-wasn-t-it?pg=1&order=

You are still out for revenge having decided not to tell HR

You've also got to consider worst case scenario here. They did obviously have feeling for one another. If you leave him he may well end up with her and be stepmother to your kids....I've seen it happen....it's worth thinking about.

I think if you openly tell people what your husband has been up to, you’ve no hope in trying to repair your marriage.

The OW is pretty insignificant in this equation, even though she seems like the biggest thing. Your OH is the one who made and broke promises. It’s him that needs to make things right. Going into work and being the subject of gossip will not help any of you. People will not let you forget it and move on.

Focus on positives and how you can move forward. Yes, it’s hurtful, but there can be a way through, if you both want it enough.

Were you the OW per chance? Because you are so spiteful and vindictive that it puts me in mind of something who will stop at nothing to get and keep what they want.

But even if not, if I were interviewing you and the OW for the same job and knowing what I know I would employ the OW and wouldn’t touch you with a barge pole. There is no way I would employ such a petty, vindictive and spiteful person who would be willing to turn on anyone who scorned them.

Assuming that your workplace has no policy against relationships in the workplace your manager won’t want to know. And I guarantee you that there will be couples in your office who started out as affairs.

Leave your husband by all means, or demand that he changes his job, but the rest is your personal business,and putting it all over the office just makes it all seem a bit grubby and will lead to people asking questions, including some who will express the view that they’re not surprised he found someone else if that’s the way you behave. Seriously these things never turn out as people think they would. This will most likely end badly for you.

I repeat, what do you expect work to do about it?
As I said previously a large organisation will have a policy on close working relationships, ethics or a Code of conduct for staff. He won't need to report a snog but if they are having a relationship then they are probably duty bound to report it so that appropriate measures are put in place (eg conflict of interest, audit purposes etc). Nobody is going to get sacked but if you make things difficult then the OW will hold all the cards.

Read the policies and get your facts sorted before you make a fool of yourself.
Outside of work, I'd play a very different game and take him for all I could.

My ex had an affair with a colleague - equal rank. It started as your DH's did, with an emotional affair, and then progressed. Small but highly regulated company - there is no way that colleagues didnt know. I obviously didnt hear a word from any of them about it. The only time I was ever tempted to contact their company was when I found out that they had each provided the other with "glowing" 360 colleague reviews. Both my ex and the OW are professionals - think highly qualified, highly respected professions. I didnt because at the time I was still dependent on my ex for maintenance (small children, I had given up my career). I was also not sure how the company would deal with any of it. But that betrayal of their professional ethics, let alone any personal morals, still rankles with me. What is the point of any of us behaving appropriately when people like that drive a horse and cart through any ethics and remain unaccountable.

I dont think you will gain anything by telling your friend with the motive of getting OW into trouble. If later it comes out and she asks why you didnt talk to her your friendship will be better protected if you simply say she was better off not knowing. I have found that even decent people really couldnt give a shit about sexual misconduct. But I would look long and hard at your current decision to work at your relationship with your DH. The mismatch of ethical behaviour will be hard to reconcile.

Oh your other thread is slightly different isn't it? You say you don't think he is more senior to her, that they have been meeting secretly for coffees etc, have declared their love for one another.

You were angry with him then. Now you're angry with her. Are you scared to be alone without him? Are you trying to get rid of her because you're worried he will leave you for her?

I'd be very careful if I were you. Depending on the country you live in and their IR laws, this could backfire badly (on you and/or your husband).

I’ll never understand this mentality that an ‘affair’ is the fault of the OW and the poor man is blameless.

I'll never understand the mentality that the OW or OM if they know the person is married and gets involved or pursues anyway is totally blameless. The fault lies with the husband or wife who cheated but if the person they cheated with knew that person was married they deserve some blame too and whatever karma comes their way.

I don't know what I'd do in this situation. My friend would probably have been told anyway if our kids played together and we saw each other socially/were close. I'd probably have vented about it in this scenario. If not that close maybe I'd plant the seed with the biggest gossip I am not sure. She deserves to be outed/talked about for what she did as does he, I wouldn't be protecting him from it either.

It's a horrible thing to find out @HaveNCedjustforthis and I can understand how angry and hurt you are right now but remember which of them has actually betrayed you. Whilst her behaviour is dreadful, he is the one cheating on his wife.

To mess up her career is legally and morally wrong and whilst you say there is no reporting line between your husband and this woman, he is in a position of authority.

Deal with your relationship and make decisions about what will happen between you. It's worrying that he only ended it after being found out and not of his own accord so any feelings he had are clearly still there, he's just been caught.

So your husband is a sleaze bag who has acted unprofessionally and now you're going to try and ruin her career by trying to persuade your mate to act unprofessionally. It sounds like an unbelievably lax office. Speaking out would give them loads to gossip about - not just about her!

I can see why you'd want to, but you'd be better putting your energies into deciding what you want to do, or planning a split, before you throw a grenade in!