DH and OW's baby. Can he see the baby without seeing OW?

[Lovelytea]

Husband cheated and got somebody pregnant but i decided to work on forgiving him to keep my family together. Would it be possible for him to have a relationship with the baby without having direct contact with the OW?

He confessed what he'd done himself I suspect because she was going to tell me anyway. We split for 6 weeks whilst i decided how to proceed. During this time I had conversations with the OW and I do believe it was just a one night stand that culminated from an EA and that he was no longer in touch with her. He has been transparent ever since.

He bitterly regrets the affair and cut contact with her before he told me what they'd done. Eventually I agreed to stand by him and we're now going through counselling to work through the problems we were ignoring prior to the EA, of which there were a few.

After coming to terms with the reality of the situation I realise the baby needs it's father. As far as our family goes I'm prepared to facilitate a relationship between our DC and their half sibling, I'm prepared to have the baby over our house and for our DC to slowly get to know them. It will be painful but I'd never begrudge an innocent baby a relationship with its relatives on my watch.

The babies mother has told DH in a series of rambling texts that the baby will have nothing to do with our DC and she won't allow them to come to our house. She wants him to spend time at her house with her and the baby if he wants to know him and that our family are to have nothing to do with him or be involved in discussions.

Unfortunately that doesn't sit right with me because she's made it very clear she wants to be with DH. I've seen messages where she has said as much and she's been particularly vile about me and our DC. I don't think I should have to put up with such vitrol after what they've done and if anything it should be me lashing out which im not. Although he has been unfaithful she isn't entirely innocent and is a manipulative, spiteful and so herself.

She isn't interested in being civil and adult about the situation and has done nothing but cause trouble since it became apparent I'd be standing by him. She was expecting me to leave him and for him to go and be with her and the baby. He has said he wants no contact with her whatsoever but does want to see his baby which I think he should.

So my question is, is there any way he can have a relationship with his baby without having to have direct contact with her?

We're trying to repair after what he did and quite frankly I cannot stomach the thought of him spending any time alone with the woman. I don't want to break up my family so please don't tell me to LTB as for now I've decided to try to make it work. It's been a long and painful period of deliberation but for now I'm satisfied that I've chosen what's best for my family.

A relative dealing with hand overs? A contact centre perhaps? If he took her to court would they support his stance of not wanting to speak to her? Is that even possible?

The baby is 2 weeks old now and he's yet to meet him.

SchnitzelVonKrumm
I'm with you.
Dealing with this fallout is punishment for DH and the OW.
Right now they can either do what is right for the child and that means (contrary to Maria's claims that morality doesn't matter) probably both finding an awkward way to middle through to a point where both parents see baby or they can choose to put themselves first.
The wife having an input was inevitable from the point the husband chose to break his vows and the OW chose to sleep with a married man. This wasn't a one night stand mistake. It was an affair cultivated by the pair of them.

Keep evidence of all offers and then when the time comes the child can judge for themselves. Personally, i'd not be too impressed if the reason I didn't see one of my parents was because my other parent refused to meet up in public.

I do not think OP should get involved in encouraging or discouraging DH to meet baby at all. I think she should insist that no maintainance gets paid without positive DNA test, after all it is the family‘s money, but that is it.

Echoing what others have said- this won’t work long term, you’ll go mad.

Sadly for you, he has to do the right thing by child he had a hand in creating and that means communicating with that child’s mother/seeing her/being alone with her. You need to reconcile yourself to that and go how it will fit in with rebuilding your marriage. I do feel sorry for the OW and her son and I feel sorry for you and your children.... I don’t feel sorry for your husband and am not sure you should. He rolled the dice in a very dangerous game and has ruined lots of lives by losing.

I agree @deepwatersolo x

@Lovelytea I hope you're ok xx

Yes. We aren’t living in Saudi Arabia or Iran you know!
First endless Gilead references, now this.

Let's put a note on the relationships board saying 'if your spouse has had an affair then you morally have to allow them to continue 1 on 1 contact with the affair partner'. What nonsense.

Personally, i'd not be too impressed if the reason I didn't see one of my parents was because my other parent refused to meet up in public.

You'd blame the parent who refused to meet you despite being offered because it wasn't on his terms over the one who raised you?

Dealing with this fallout is punishment for DH and the OW.

They have done nothing illegal! No crime = no punishment. You reallly do seem to be living in a different country!

Sorry wrong way round- meant to say 'you'd blame the parent who raised you over the parent who refused to meet you?'

Reggie DH does not have to do the right thing at all. There is now living proof of that.

twisted
I think most people would get to an age where they understand affairs and cheating. A visit in a cafe isn't hard for anyone. If my two parents couldn't do that for me as a child then I wouldn't view them favourably. It wouldn't make me turn on the person who raised me, but would make me wonder why they decided tryinf to get a married man alone again was more important than me seeing my other parent.

They have done nothing illegal! No crime = no punishment. You reallly do seem to be living in a different country!
Again. Having an affair isn't illegal so who cares?
Clearly I'm living in another country for thinking there are consequences if people cheat.

You don't think the OW's child could ever feel sympathy for their father's betrayed wife and children and understand the DH's desire to compromise by meeting in public?

OP what a horrific situation for you and all children involved.

Personally if I was in your shoes and chose to stay then I would be doing everything by the courts starting with a DNA test. Followed by assessment and contact centre and formal access agreement.

The reality of the courts means that this would take time for hearing dates, assessments etc so he wouldn't bond in this time but it would be set up for the future with proper access agreements. Courts go for what is in the child's/childrens interest which would be establishing father and baby relationship followed by siblings relationship this can be in a contact centre but usually will be limited to a certain number followed by potential reassessment. After time the access agreement would be changed as long as no issues to potential overnights which would include yourself. As said courts act in the interest of the children not wishes of the parents/parties involved.

Some may say that's bonding time lost etc as this wouldn't happen whilst newborn or probably even before 6months but given the OW flip in position of not wanting your DCs to ever be involved there is already warning signs of using the baby as a weapon.

In all reality it will probably involve back and fourth with the courts but if set in place as soon as it can be then it's in the best interests of all children involved. Which at the end of the day is the best outcome anyone can hope for.

I think it's also worth saying that you have shown remarkable strength in extremely difficult circumstances. You wish to keep your family together but fully recognise the importance of having a father to a child. I don't think I would been able to be as level headed as you have shown.

And also, as a mother you must have some sympathy for her not wanting to let the baby out of her sight? Especially if she’s breastfeeding. I remember when my DD1 was around 10 days old, my parents offering to walk her in the pram to the local park and round it and back between feeds (we all live, and the park was within, a couple of streets) just to give us 45mins for a nap. I jumped at the chance in theory but immediately felt bereft and worried sick and rang them within ten minutes to bring her back!

Clearly I'm living in another country for thinking there are consequences if people cheat.

The consequences are having to sort out a difficult situation. There is no punishment, there are no chaperones, there is no meeting in public, there is no stoning. Your “morals”, MaisyPops, are truly abhorrent and belong in other, far less evolved societies. You need to think hard about the judgements you make.

ReggieKrayDoYouKnowMyName
I get her not wanting to leave baby alone. Earlier in the thread I said the OW is reasonable for not wanting to leave baby alone and the OP is reasonable for not wanting her husband and the OW to be alone.

In messy situations there has to be compromise in my eyes.

I think expecting somebody who was ignored by their parent to say well that's understandable, he didn't want to upset his wife is a bit unrealistic tbh. They may feel sympathy but not believe that it warranted their abandonment. And the child would grow up with the mum's version of events anyway which may not be that she was desperate to get him alone but that she was tired, bleeding, embarrassed, emotional, didn't want an audience.

You don't think the OW's child could ever feel sympathy for their father's betrayed wife and children and understand the DH's desire to compromise by meeting in public?

It is most definitely not for the OW’s child to be burdened with the responsibility of the OP’s feelings of betrayal.

You don't think the OW's child could ever feel sympathy for their father's betrayed wife and children and understand the DH's desire to compromise by meeting in public? That's a shit ton to unpick and only really for adults, isn't it? In the meantime, child grows up without contact because daddy can't be trusted to be in the same room as mummy in case he falls in her.

Reggie she has said she does. But once again, the baby is tiny and oblivious so the only beneficiary of contact now would be the DH, who frankly has given up his right to nice things. Oh, and the OW if she succeeds in getting him alone and jumping him.

The consequences are having to sort out a difficult situation
Yes which will have to involve compromise on both side, including the other woman not demanding to see her ex alone in private as a condition for him meeting his child.
There is no punishment, there are no chaperones, there is no meeting in public, there is no stoning.
Who mentioned stoning? Or are we back to your references to Gilead and Iran?
Your “morals”,MaisyPops, are truly abhorrent and belong in other, far less evolved societies.
You need to think hard about the judgements you make
That it's wrong to have an affair?
That it's wrong to use children as weapons in your love life?
That it's wrong to be vile to a woman whose husband you've slept with knowing she was at home with a new born?

Horrible points of view to hold.

Well, considering that DH and OW started on their affair because DH felt neglected with the new baby at home and he wanted to escape that, and OW offering him this childless levity, which now has turned into an additional mother-baby situation, rendering OW unattractive for DH, as she turned into what he sought to -at least temporarily - escape, it is fair to say DH and OW punished themselves.

Generally, from my observations the most cruel punishments are often not administered by laws and judges but by ourselves.

DNA test is really needed here! What if the child isn’t his?
Don’t arrange maintenance until this is done as it’s taking your resources away from your own family and it’s not been proved that it’s his. I’m not sure why DH isn’t on the BC when she wants to play happy families! Does he have your DH surname?
What does DH family say as it’s their grandson?

Why can’t DH have a chaperone as he could be accused of anything if ow is being manipulative! Using a family member such as his mum is the babies family now too! So why isn’t that acceptable.
Maybe I was lucky but a few hours after giving birth I was taking my other children to school. Unless she’s had stitches or anything else then yes maybe she’s uncomfortable. We don’t know what her birth experience is. She sounds like she was determined to wreck their marriage and gave no thought to the DC and newborn at home with the DH of OP so that in itself is a reflection of what kind of a person she is. Degrading the OP is awful but again she’s also pissed she didn’t get her happy ending and claim the DH for herself, but to start degrading OP and DH other children is just too far and fucked up to fathom. Honestly who the hell does that to children I doubt she’s met and why the hell would she do that to a baby or child? That’s just twisted and evil. She’s not right in the head even having just given birth. I think the texts to OP were before the birth. She’s just awful

Yes which will have to involve compromise on both side

Where is he compromising though? If he gets contact on his terms against her wishes?

If the DH wants to patch things up with the OP, and vice versa, the DH needs to leave the OP well alone for now.

Very fair point deep.

It's a horrible situation. And if I'm honest, even if OP left her DH and he settled down with OW and played happy families, deep down OW would know what he was capable of (and what other women are capable.of). She'd find herself wondering where he was every minute he was late because She'd be at home with the baby knowing last time he had a woman at home with a baby he was sleeping with her.

It's a horrible situation and nobody wins.