DH and OW's baby. Can he see the baby without seeing OW?

[Lovelytea]

Husband cheated and got somebody pregnant but i decided to work on forgiving him to keep my family together. Would it be possible for him to have a relationship with the baby without having direct contact with the OW?

He confessed what he'd done himself I suspect because she was going to tell me anyway. We split for 6 weeks whilst i decided how to proceed. During this time I had conversations with the OW and I do believe it was just a one night stand that culminated from an EA and that he was no longer in touch with her. He has been transparent ever since.

He bitterly regrets the affair and cut contact with her before he told me what they'd done. Eventually I agreed to stand by him and we're now going through counselling to work through the problems we were ignoring prior to the EA, of which there were a few.

After coming to terms with the reality of the situation I realise the baby needs it's father. As far as our family goes I'm prepared to facilitate a relationship between our DC and their half sibling, I'm prepared to have the baby over our house and for our DC to slowly get to know them. It will be painful but I'd never begrudge an innocent baby a relationship with its relatives on my watch.

The babies mother has told DH in a series of rambling texts that the baby will have nothing to do with our DC and she won't allow them to come to our house. She wants him to spend time at her house with her and the baby if he wants to know him and that our family are to have nothing to do with him or be involved in discussions.

Unfortunately that doesn't sit right with me because she's made it very clear she wants to be with DH. I've seen messages where she has said as much and she's been particularly vile about me and our DC. I don't think I should have to put up with such vitrol after what they've done and if anything it should be me lashing out which im not. Although he has been unfaithful she isn't entirely innocent and is a manipulative, spiteful and so herself.

She isn't interested in being civil and adult about the situation and has done nothing but cause trouble since it became apparent I'd be standing by him. She was expecting me to leave him and for him to go and be with her and the baby. He has said he wants no contact with her whatsoever but does want to see his baby which I think he should.

So my question is, is there any way he can have a relationship with his baby without having to have direct contact with her?

We're trying to repair after what he did and quite frankly I cannot stomach the thought of him spending any time alone with the woman. I don't want to break up my family so please don't tell me to LTB as for now I've decided to try to make it work. It's been a long and painful period of deliberation but for now I'm satisfied that I've chosen what's best for my family.

A relative dealing with hand overs? A contact centre perhaps? If he took her to court would they support his stance of not wanting to speak to her? Is that even possible?

The baby is 2 weeks old now and he's yet to meet him.

Don't be disingenuous cassie.

Of course the ex rebuilding his marriage isn't the OW's responsibility or priority.

But, the other woman's priority should be ensuring her baby has adequate contact with both parents and to build an amicable co-parenting relationship for the sake of an innocent baby who didn't ask to be brought into this mess.

That cannot happen whilst she insists on pining for her ex and using the baby to try to get her ex affair partner alone whilst he is rebuilding his marriage.

This also will be difficult to arrange whilst she is being vile to her ex affair partner's wife who is being more than accommodating of the baby and who is keen for all siblings to develop a bond.

Refusal to act in the baby's best interest is poor form.

It's a sorry mess of a situation caused by two people but the actions of the OW right now come across more as a woman who wants to play happy families with her ex and is willing to use a child as a weapon to get it.

Ok so that’s the price the Ow has to pay is it? Because she had sex with a married man, now she has to have a stranger in her home when she has just given birth to oversee her and make sure her behaviour is appropriate?

This is of course an absolutely ludicrous proposal that no family court would support. We don’t live in Gilead.

Neither a meet up in the park nor a chaperoned meetup at the OW’s home are ever going to happen. The OW won’t agree and neither will the law, and they are the only two possible decision makers.

Maria, I was referring to the suggestion that the father take with him a third party to visit the OW and child.

This is so the OP is assured that nothing is going on between DH and OW and a suggestion that many PPs on here seem to think is reasonable.

I totally understand why OP would feel better about this, I really do. But like you say, it's not going to happen.

MaisyPops - your moralistic arguments would not stand up in court. The OW does not require any sort of chaperone when seeing the father of her baby.

Well, Maria, if that is so, that‘s on OW then. Personally, I don‘t think OP will be heartbroken if things play out like that, Cassie.

Cassie85 - I agree with you. It is very hard indeed for the OP to think of her DH visiting the OW and seeing their baby, but she cannot put any conditions on that event. She has no right at all to do so.

You two miss that OP did not put any conditions on that event, but DH. The guy who told OW she was free to abort or have the child but he wouldn‘t leave OP either way and the guy who went on to cut contact after things turned nasty.

No but he can, and will have to if he wants to hold onto his marriage.

The DH is clearly an idiot of the highest order, unable to think straight about anything.

MariaNovella
Gosh it's awful isn't it when people consider what the moral thing to do would be isn't it.
I'm not claiming that the reasomable suggestions would be insisted on in court. I'm saying they are reasonable in a situation where a family has been ripped apart by two people who magically lost their morals by shagging each other whilst the poor OP had a new born.

Reasonable and accepted in court are two different things. After all the court decides minimum child maintenance payments are reasonable. Anyone with half a brain cell knows the minimum is far below what should be morally given to financially support a child.

The other woman should be spending a little less time thinking about playing happy families with her ex affair partner and a little more time thinking about what is in the best interest of her new baby.

So, do you now want to drag DH to an unsupervised visit of OW, because he doesn‘t think straight?

Yes, astonishing that either woman wants him really. Hopefully OP will wait til he's completely burned his bridges with the OW and then divorce him.

The best interest of the OW’s new baby is to have two parents who come to a reasonable working coparenting relationship. Chaperones will not be helpful here.

The court can’t force the conditions of how or where the DH will visit his child, true, but then the outcome may be that the visitation just doesn’t happen...because that cannot be forced either.

The best interest of the OW’s new baby is to have two parents who come to a reasonable working coparenting relationship. Unfortunately those are not the parents this baby has.

I actually find it absolutely bone chilling that anyone could think that a chaperone for the OW might be a morally good solution.

Unfortunately those are not the parents this baby has.

They need to be given the chance.

Well, Maria, there are also two other DC (one baby) in the mix, whose best interests need to be heeded, and as things stand DH seems determined to heed their interests by not meeting OW alone. And that‘s that.

Surely it's a chaperone for the DH, who has no willpower and is easily confused?

MariaNovella

This isn’t just about the OW baby. There are more children involved. Stepping aside and letting ow have what she wants is not good for the existing children. Why do they not matter? Be realistic...if my husband did this to me and I chose to stay with him, I’d not be waving him off to play happy families.

If we can’t agree on this as outsiders, what chance does the family have. This is not workable and sacrifices may need to be made. That might be a DH leaving his wife. It might be OP leaving her husband. It might be DH having no contact with OW or the baby. Unrealistic to think the DH can just be a great dad to everyone.
The only people to blame...the DH and the OW. These are the consequences of your actions.

The other DC (the OP’s children) are immaterial to the issue of the OW’s baby. All three DC children deserve both a mother and a father and there is no hierarchy.

Why would a mediator be bone chilling? The status quo is that DH and OW have cut contact, after all (after OW denigrated DH‘s wife and children I gather).

Maria for DH there is clearly a hierarchy.